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From: fringe@kalypso.cybercom.net (Matthew Duhan)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,alt.fan.mst3k,alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.bonehead.tom-servo,alt.tv.comedy-central,rec.arts.tv,rec.answers,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: Mystery Science Theater 3000 - List of Lists
Followup-To: poster
Date: 18 Jan 1996 06:24:42 -0500
Organization: fRiNgEnEt, on the edge of WWW technology
Lines: 1157
Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.EDU
Message-ID: <4dlalq$bak@kalypso.cybercom.net>
NNTP-Posting-Host: kalypso.cybercom.net
Summary: LOL for MST3K
Keywords: MST3K FAQ Tom Servo Crow Mike Joel Gypsy Dr. Forrester Frank
Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:21938 alt.tv.mst3k:53510 alt.fan.mst3k:7337 alt.fan.tom-servo:671 alt.bonehead.tom-servo:516 alt.tv.comedy-central:3003 rec.arts.tv:201172 rec.answers:17813 alt.answers:15027 news.answers:62600
Archive-name: tv/mst3k/list-of-lists
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 1996/01/18
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_
List of Lists
This guide was compiled in order to list all the various lists that have come
up during the course of the show's history. If you have a list that you don't
see but would like to, please e-mail me (fRiNgE@cybercom.net) with "list" or
"lol" in the Subject: line.
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1995 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central or its employees. This FAQ is
free to distribute not-for-profit as long as this notice remains intact. If
you would like to reprint any part of this publication, please drop me a line,
so I can add it to the FAQ. No part of this publication may be reprinted, in
whole or part, for profit or in hard printed form without express written
permission of the maintainer, Matthew Duhan (fRiNgE@cybercom.net).
Last updated January 18, 1996
*List of alternate video titles for MST3K films:
(Asterisk denotes MST3K title)
Ep. Common Title Alternate Titles
K01: Thunderbirds are Go *Thunderbirds in Outer Space
K1X: *SST: Death Flight SST: Disaster in the Sky
Flight of the Maiden
K1X: A Cold Night's Death *The Chill Factor
K20: *Hangar 18 Invasion Force
101: *The Crawling Eye The Trollenberg Terror
The Flying Eye
Creatures from Another World
The Creeping Eye
105: *The Corpse Vanishes The Case of the Missing Brides
106: *The Crawling Hand Strike Me Deadly
The Creeping Hand
201: *Rocketship XM Expedition Moon
202: Five the Hard Way *The Sidehackers
204: *Catalina Caper Never Steal Anything Wet
211: *First Spaceship on Venus The Silent Star
Spaceship Venus does Not Reply
213: *Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster Ebirah, Terror of the Deep
301: The Blade Master *Cave Dwellers
Ator the Invincible
302: Gammera, the Invincible *Gamera
303: The Unearthling *Pod People
304: *Gamera vs. Barugon War of the Monsters
305: The Stranger *Stranded in Space
307: *Daddy-O Out on Probation
308: *Gamera vs. Gaos Return of the Giant Monsters
312: *Gamera vs. Guiron Attack of the Monsters
313: *Earth vs. the Spider The Spider
315: *Teenage Caveman Out of the Darkness
317: *Viking Woman vs the Sea Serpent The Saga of the Viking Woman and
their Voyage to the Waters of the
Great Sea Serpent
319: *War of the Colossal Beast The Terror Strikes
320: *Santa Claus Conquers the Martians Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens
322: *Master Ninja The Master
401: Marooned *Space Travellers
404: *Teenagers from Outer Space The Gargon Terror
405: Time Walker *Being From Another Planet
406: *Attack of the Giant Leeches The Giant Leeches
Demons of the Swamp
407: The Killer Shrews *Attack of the Killer Shrews
411: *The Magic Sword St. George and the Dragon
St. George and the Seven Curses
412: *Hercules and the Captive Women Hercules Conquers Atlantis
Hercules and the Haunted Woman
416: *Fire Maidens from Outer Space The Thirteenth Moon of Jupiter
418: The Eye Creatures *Attack of the the Eye Creatures
419: *The Rebel Set Beatsville
422: *The Day the Earth Froze Sampo
423: *Bride of the Monster Bride of the Atom
503: Swamp Women *Swamp Diamonds
Cruel Swamp
505: *Magic Voyage of Sinbad Sadko
508: Operation: Kid Brother *Operation Double 007
OK Connery
Secret Agent 00
513: *The Brain that Wouldn't Die The Head that Wouldn't Die
515: *Wild World of Batwomen She Was a Hippy Vampire
516: *Alien from L.A. Odeon
518: *Atomic Brain Monstrosity
519: The Outlaw of Gor *The Outlaw
601: *Girls Town The Innocent and the Damned
606: *The Creeping Terror The Crawling Monster
Dangerous Charter
610: *The Violent Years Female
613: *The Sinister Urge The Young and the Immortal
Hellborn
616: Pin Down Girls *Racket Girls
Blonde Pickup
617: *The Sword and the Dragon Ilya Mourometz
The Beast
619: Night Train to Mundo Fine *Red Zone Cuba
620: Death Ray *Danger! Death Ray
622: Angel's Brigade *Angel's Revenge
701: *Night of The Blood Beast Creature from Galaxy 27
702: The Brute Man *The Brute
*List of unusual closings. This includes any audio or video differences that
appear after the words:
Created by
Joel Hodgson
211: First Spaceship On Venus ..... Dr. Forrester retching
307: Daddy-O ...................... broken button
311: It Conquered The World ....... Peter Graves' speech
312: Gamera vs. Guiron ............ Michael Feinstein / Gamera's theme
322: Master Ninja I ............... "MASTER NINJA THEeeme song"
414: Tormented .................... hand grenade explosion
417: Crash of the Moons ........... Bannergram
419: The Rebel Set ................ TV's Frank: "Who is Merritt Stone?!"
424: Manos: the Hands of Fate ..... Torgo's theme
508: Operation Double 007 ......... Torgo's theme (reprise)
513: The Brain that Wouldn't Die .. "DEEP HURTING" chainsaw
516: Alien from L.A. .............. Vend-a-Gut coin return
521: Santa Claus .................. Merry Christmas - If That's O.K.
522: Teenage Crimewave ............ Dr. F. sprays Frank with Mace Mousse
523: Village of the Giants ........ The Greatest Frank of All
603: The Dead Talk Back ........... Endless Jerry guitar riff
606: The Creeping Terror .......... Creeping Terror dance music
610: The Violent Years ............ Frank lists music on FRANK
*List of Jumpsuit colors worn by Joel or Mike.
Joel:
KTMA
Tan
1st season:
Always bright red, including the opening credits.
2nd season onward:
Opening credits: bright red, teal
201: Rocketship XM .................. teal
202: The Side Hackers ............... teal
203: Jungle Goddess ................. teal
204: Catalina Caper ................. bright red
205: Rocket Attack USA .............. bright red
206: Ring of Terror ................. teal
207: Wild Rebels .................... teal
208: Lost Continent ................. cyan
209: Hellcats ....................... pastel green
210: King Dinosaur .................. pastel green
211: First Spaceship On Venus ....... cyan
212: Godzilla vs. Megalon ........... maroon
213: Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster ... maroon
Starting with season 3, always maroon except:
314: Mighty Jack (pre) .................................. pastel green
404: Teenagers from Outer Space (post [fashion show]) ... turquoise, navy blue
Mike:
Always lime green except:
512: Mitchell (before he became host) ... navy blue
522: Teenage Crimwave (pre) ............. gray
Red Cross PSA ........................... electric blue
601: Girls Town ......................... black (Tuxedo jumper)
*List of shadowrama colors during season 1 shows
(when BBI was still experimenting with the shadowrama effect):
101: The Crawling Eye ............... gray
102: Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy ...... gray
103: Mad Monster .................... green
104: Women of Prehistoric Planet .... black
105: The Corpse Vanishes ............ green
106: The Crawling Hand .............. green
107: Robot Monster .................. green
108: Slime People ................... black
109: Project Moonbase ............... black
110: Robot Holocaust ................ black
111: Moon Zero Two .................. black
112: Untamed Youth .................. black
113: Black Scorpion ................. black
*List of actors who have appeared in more than one film:
2 episodes:
K C Adams
204: Catalina Caper
409: Indestructible Man
Hugh Beaumont
208: Lost Continent
420: The Human Duplicators
Jim Begg
204: Catalina Caper
523: Village Of the Giants
Peter Breck
106: The Crawling Hand
415: The Beatniks
John Carradine
320: The Unearthly
619: Red Zone Cuba
Dick Contino
307: Daddy-O
601: Girls Town
Timothy Farrell
613: The Sinister Urge
616: Racket Girls
Coleman Francis
610: The Skydivers
619: Red Zone Cuba
Clu Galager
322: Master Ninja 1
614: San Francisco International
Peter Graves
311: It Conquered the World
517: Beginnig of the End
Ross Hagen
202: The Sidehackers
209: HellCats
Alan Hale, Jr.
106: The Crawling Hand
622: Angels Revenge
Tom Hansen
209: HellCats
619: Red Zone Cuba
Richard Keil
420: The Human Duplicators
506: Eegah!
Tommy Kirk
204: Catalina Caper
523: Village of the Giants
Bela Lugosi
105: The Corpse Vanishes
423: Bride of the Monster
Jack Palance
519: Outlaw
622: Angels Revenge
Mamie Van Doren
112: Untamed Youth
601: Girls Town
Timothy Van Patten
321: Master Ninja I
323: Master Ninja II
?Don Nagel
423: Bride of the Monster
521: Mitchell
???
209: HellCats
418: Attack of The [The] Eye Creatures
????
309: The Amazing Colossal Man
319: War of the Colossal Beast
the coffee guy
609: The Skydivers
621: The Beast of Yucca Flats
the FAA/water guy
609: The Skydivers FAA official
619: Red Zone Cuba
3 episodes:
Harvey B. Dunn
404: Teenagers From Outer Space
423: Bride of the Monster
613: The Sinister Urge
Beverly Garland
311: It Conquered the World
503: Swamp Diamonds
511: Gunslinger
Tor Johnson
320: The Unearthly
423: Bride of the Monster
621: The Beast of Yucca Flats
George Nader
K19: The Million Eyes of Su Muru
107: Robot Monster
420: The Human Duplicators
Lee Van Cleef
311: It Conquered the World
321: Master Ninja I
323: Master Ninja II
4 episodes:
Anthony Cardoza
209: Hell Cats
609: The Skydivers
619: Red Zone Cuba
621: The Beast of Yucca Flats
Bruno VeSota
307: Daddy-O
406: Attack of the Giant Leeches
511: Gunslinger
515: Wild Wild World of Batwoman
*List of roles Mike Nelson has played:
104: Women of Prehistoric Planet .... Issac Asimov Literary Doomsday Device
201: Rocketship X-M ................. Valaria
202: Sidehackers .................... J.D.
203: Jungle Goddess ................. Imperialistic Alien #2
205: Rocket Attack USA .............. Russian version of Joel
208: Lost Continent ................. Hugh Beaumont (of the Apocalypse)
211: First Spaceship to Venus ....... Abe Vigoda, TV's Fish
213: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster ... Mothra
302: Gamera ......................... Gamera
307: Daddy-O ........................ Nearsighted nerd
309: Amazing Colossal Man ........... Glen Manning
310: Fugitive Alien ................. Jack Perkins (first appearance)
312: Gamera vs. Guiron .............. Michael Feinstein
313: Earth Vs. the Spider ........... Janitor of the Universe
316: Gamera v. Zigra ................ Kenny
319: War of the Colossal Beast ...... Glen Manning returns
403: City Limits .................... Morrisey
405: Being From Another Planet ...... Holo-Clown (returned in 406: AotGL)
408: Hercules Unchained ............. Steve Reeves
409: Indestructable Man ............. Officer Mike
413: Manhunt in Space ............... Winky
415: The Beatniks ................... Tony Travis (voice only)
417: Crash of the Moons ............. John Banner
420: The Human Duplicators .......... Hugh Beaumont
424: Manos, the Hands of Fate ....... Torgo (first appearance)
501: Warrior of the Lost World ...... Megaweapon (voice only)
*List of Things that Fly Past the Blackboard in season 5 Mike episodes.
513: a paper airplane
514: a crumpled-up piece of paper, apparently Hell's Own Spitwad
515: another paper airplane
516: a nearly full roll of toilet paper
517: a petrified waffle
518: another spitwad; there is also one already stuck to the black-board
519: the troll derriere from 414 "The Beatniks"
520: a curly auburn wig
521: a cannonball, which strikes a plastic Santa square in the chest
522: a football, thrown sideways
523: a bone of unidentified origin
524: Gypsy's bra from 519 "Outlaw"
*List of Guest Characters who have Appeared in More than One Episode
Torgo ......................... (424, 508, 523, 614, 620, 624)
Jan-in-the-Pan ................ (513, 614, 616)
Joey the Lemur ................ (210, 612)
Glen Manning .................. (309, 319)
Krusher Kringle ............... (521, 614)
Pitch ......................... (521, 614)
Nuveena ....................... (524, 614)
Huggy Bear .................... (610, 614)
Rooster ....................... (610, 614)
*From 110 "Robot Holocaust"
A list of the crew's attempted interpretations of the big evil guy's name as
spoken by Malaria.
"Stuffed One"
"Stockwon"
"Lockjohn"
"Pork One"
"Dagwan"
"Boog One"
"Stockwatt"
"Stockworm"
"Stock One"
"Duck Bun"
"Dagwah"
"Dark One" (? Not sure about this one...)
"Baghwan"
"Dogma"
"Dartboard"
"D'Artagnan"
"Dortmunder"
"Dog Wong"
"Bwok Dwon"
"Bogwon"
*From 206 "Ring of Terror"
The Old School Curriculum
Department of Health Studies
102 Blue Rinses
121 Corn Sanding
213 Intermediate Crankiness
355 Laxative Symposium (Lab)
410 Walker Workshop
500 Hearing Aid Maintenance
Department of Geriatric Behavior
111 Napping
241 Soup Slurping (discussion and Lab)
312 Television as a Drug
456 Advanced Nodding Off
School of Social Skills
534 Seminar: Advanced Check Paying and Tip Shorting
556 Remembering your name
600 Sex Without Heart Failure
*From 304 "Gamera vs. Barugon"
Things in the 5,000-Piece Fightin' Men and Monsters Set ("some pieces not
included"):
500 Japanese Light Infantry (body parts may not be missing)
36 helpless officials
20 tanks
15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set)
24 Bazooka Gum-runners
18 ambulance chasers
12 jet fighters (6 not included)
16 helicopter parts
200 shooting grocers
19 fighting clowns
8 deserters
6 geese a-laying
24 Mohawk Indians
"...and much much much much more!"
The optional (at half the extra value) Mystifying Monster Action Pack:
Gamera (torso sold separately) - spits real fire and causes real pain
Solid-rubber Barugon complete with optional Ram-Tongue Action (not
responsible for nerve damage)
Topol, Meat Thong [?] and Bart the Battlin' Belgian Endive (some parts may
not exist)
Snap-on set:
The entire Tokyo Metropolitan Area, complete with buildings, bridges and the
breakway Montinuko [?] Dam (smaller than shown)
Add-ons:
Hapless Citizen Playset
Anti-War Protest Pack (Senator Wolfstone not included)
And finally, in the "Lights - Gamera - Action!" Series:
The gimp
The goon
The shame-filled brother
The hapless geisha
The fall-apart Voodoo Kenny
The Frisky Kitten Revue
Tokyo Tower
["offer not available in Utah and Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please
wear rubber underwear, and some parts may be made of chicken"]
*From 304 "Gamera vs. Barugon"
Famous people "appearing" in the movie:
Edward G. Robinson
Elvis Costello
Peter Ustinov
Lon Chaney Jr.
Steve Allen
Claude Akins and Harrison Ford
Oddjob and Willem Dafoe
Robert Blake and Willem Dafoe
Hank Williams Jr.
Jerry Lewis
...and Willem Dafoe!
*From 307 "Daddy-O"
Names of baby's...
Checher
Ca-ca
Po-po
Nimbus
B.M.
Poopies
*From 317 "Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent"
Some important new uses for Waffles:
Crow: Easy-to-read waffles with large squares for the flavor-impaired.
Tom: Buckwheat waffles make an excellent chamois for cleaning your car.
Gypsy: Dr. Scholl's Waffle Pads?
Tom: Waffle dress shields, waffle desk organizers.
Crow: Hollywood Squares waffles, Paul Lynde to block, Wally Cox in the Secret
Square waffles...
Tom: Acoustic tile.
*From 401 "Space Travellers"
Advancements from the Space Program
Things in ( ) are asides from Joel and the 'bots. ?'s are
unknowns. It's not complete, but it's a good start
The vitamin pill (a space race advancement)
Frozen Dough (thank you NASA)
The Tie clip (keep it going now)
The coffee table
Spats
CHIA technology
Tin whistles
The nylon windbreaker
Naugahyde
Swirled yogurt (*essential* for space flight)
Battered fish sticks
The collapsible top hat
The Thingmaker
Helicopters,planes,and ordinary table salt
Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo
Bradford, Winton and chicken marsalis
The meatball (100% space technology!)
The styrofoam peanut, the circus peanut and a woozle whose name was peanut
The bendy straw
Jim Mitchum
The bassett hound
Scattergories
Police Woman (the TV show)
Margarine
Crust
Jim Belushi
The cocktail weenie
Whatever
John Connolly
Corndogs
The infield Fly rule
The V-shaped leg
The Oedipal complex
Artificial nails
Mah Jong, really cheap game of tiles
The Shakespeare plays
Doorbells, spring rolls, and whiskers on kittens
Ennui
SPACOM
Bikini wax
White Corpuscles
The Swedish Steamcooker
*From 402: "The Giant Gila Monster"
Things the Gila Monster "said".
"I'm feelin' mighty peckish. Snack time. Blalalalalala"
"I just love dining al fresco."
"I'll eat him with relish, heh heh. Lizard jokes, heh heh."
"Hey - can I bum a smoke?"
"Y'know, when I look at the human race I gotta laugh. I got a chick-pea for a
brain and I'm still smarter than they are. Go figure. I'll be right back
after these words."
"I sing whenever I eat the teens, I sing, blalalalala"
"I'm your boyfriend now. Blalalalala"
"Oh, I'm big, I'm really big, there's no way to describe just how enormous,
but thanks for your patronage. Enjoy this next upcoming event from
(Northwest?)."
"Now that was a huge log I was hauling earlier. I'm very immense, I'm huge,
believe me, thanks a lot. Enjoy the rest of the show, and head out to the
lobby and enjoy a delicious bon bon."
"I don't make this noise myself, folks, it's called `Foley.' I'll be back
later with another fun fact. Thanks, and enjoy."
"Ah, don't drink that, that's my urine - I don't even do that."
"I like to watch. Blalalalala"
"No, we'll do it like this. Blalala"
"These kids today, I tell ya. Blalalala"
"Folks, I tried to get them to rewrite this scene. Next time I'll insist on
final cut. Enjoy my special spring project."
"I sing whenever--oh, now I'm doing it. Ohhhh"
"I'm getting really hungry. I've gotta stop letting them get away, folks.
Until next time, good night, and God bless."
"I just know I'm gonna take the blame for this, and I wasn't even close."
"Ooops, that's me, I did that, sorry."
"Billy goat, billy goat, get off my bridge, heh heh."
"mmmm I like butter, look - my chin's yellow, blalalalla, that means I like
butter, blalalalala"
"Blalalalala!"
"Where's the dining car? Ha ha hah mmmmmm"
"mmmmmmblalalala hey - there's meat on the inside! blalalalala"
"Barbecue! Whoa! I don't know where to begin, it all looks so good."
"And the Lord said, `taste my lizard steel!' blalalalala"
"blalalalalalala"
"And the Lord said, `die children die.' blalalala"
"Hey - you forgot to stamp my hand, heh heh"
"Ow, ow, ow."
"Hey, leave me alone, I paid the cover."
"aaaaah, I can take a hint, I don't need a barn to fall on me, aaaaah"
"aaaah, I'm going back to Jurassic Park. Ah, fooey on you crummy
townspeople."
"gotta drain the lizard, gonna go drain the lizard, that's what I'm doing,
yup."
"I will prevail, I'm a survivor like Cher."
"It's showtime - let's party blalalala"
"I saw this coming a long way away."
"the horror...the horror."
*From 403: "City Limits"
The Fantastic 85:
Manman "Bestowed with all the powers of a man, but he's a...man."
Lumberman (and his sidekick Woody)
Elbowman
Mr. Papercut "47 different angles of paper juts from his body!"
The Punisher "Wait! Isn't there a punisher already?" "Well, he's a different
kind of punisher. He just sends people to their rooms."
Lint Attachment Man
Jazz Trio Man "Able to trade fours with himself!"
The Human Dog
Professor Hitler and his Invisible Knee Machine
Really Deep Man "He's really deep, man..."
The Pheasant-Plucker and the Pheasant-Plucker's Son
The Black Nun "All black, none of the white bits."
Always Smells Like Maple Man
Absorbeen Sr.
Servo-Croatian Boy
Moon Man
Calamari Man
The Buttercats
Foam Face
Mrs. Martian
Media Man
Super Scarecrow
Super Bonaparte
Bay City Roller Man
Dead Boy
Sergeant Spike and Leather Woman
Super Harry Connick's Girlfriend
Super Dana Andrews and Velvet Woman
Super Kim Cattral Woman
Twelve Step Man
Middle-aged Boy
The Incredible Adventures of Bobby van Luke and his Radioactive Sweater Vest!
Madame Bovary Man
Perfect Paul and his Magnetic Spleen "He has only one flaw!"
The Girl Who Smells Like Soda Crackers
Uncle Roger the Airline Stewardman
Porter Wagner "Don't you mean *Super* Porter Wagner?" "Noooooo!"
Super Fanny Bryce
The Clam
Steakface and Weasel Woman
Dr. Doorknob and his Incredible Electro Magnetic Thing
Skinny Arbuckle
Burger Chef "He's Incredi-Burgable!"
Larry King "Just Larry King?" "Well he'd have to have a really good guest!"
Johnny Action Finger
Bullet Proof Vest Boy
*From 405: "Being from Another Planet"
List of movies that this movie is worse than (according to Tom Servo):
102: Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
202: The Sidehackers
301: Cave Dwellers
204: Catalina Caper
303: Pod People
209: Hell Cats
307: Daddy-O
205: Rocket Attack USA
313: Earth vs. the Spider
206: Ring of Terror
311: It Conquered the World
208: Lost Continent
111: Moon Zero Two
104: Women of the Prehistoric Planet
306: Time of the Apes
207: Wild Rebels
305: Stranded in Space
210: King Dinosaur
314: Mighty Jack
201: Rocketship X-M
321: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
320: The Unearthly
315: Teenage Caveman
211: First Spaceship On Venus
401: Space Travelers
402: Giant Gila Monster
404: Teenagers from Outer Space
403: City Limits
319: War of the Colossal Beast
309: The Amazing Colossal Man
310: Fugitive Alien
318: Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
322: Master Ninja I
302: Gamera
213: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
316: Gamera vs. Zigra
304: Gamera vs. Barugon
312: Gamera vs. Guiron
323: Castle of Fu Manchu ("Okay, Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, BUT
WE'VE NEVER DONE A WORSE FILM!!")
*From 407: "The Killer Shrews"
Things Joel and the 'Bots call the Killer Shrews:
shrews
dogs
Rick
delicious
Dixieland Jazz Band
big dogs
puppies
Ren & Stimpy
wet
adorable
shoes
Scooby
Muppet
puppets
weasels
rat pack
Frank
Sammy
Dean
Joey
Shamu
cute little paws
*From 407: "The Killer Shrews"
Ingredients in a "Killer Shrew"
Chocolate ice cream
Cap'n Crunch with crunchberries
Peanut M&Ms
Mrs. Butterworth
Circus peanuts
Mr. Pibb
Marshmallow Peeps
SweeTarts
Vanilla frosting
Good 'n' Plenty
*no* wax lips
Garnish with a wind-up shrew
*From 410 "Hercules Against The Moon Men"
Tough-Guy Names for Bots:
Drake Tungsten
Russ Tile Floor
Rick Drywall
Adam Plexiglass
Vic Kevlar
Nick Pigiron
*From 414 "Tormented"
Tom Servo's "Sessions Presents" songs:
"Sessions presents...Soft Rock Classics:"
Leo Sayer: "When I Need Love"
Ann Murray: "You Needed Me"
"And many more!"
David Soul: "Don't Give Up On Us"
Paper Lace: "The Night Chicago Died"
Hamilton, Joe, Frank and Reynolds: "Don't Pull Your Love Out On Me"
Commodores: "Three Times A Lady"
Sammy John: "(Made Love In My) Chevy Van"
"Sessions presents...Summer Hits"
Terry Jax: "Seasons In The Sun (We had joy/We had fun...)"
Mark Linsday: "Indiana Wants Me"
Paul Anka: "Having My Baby"
Barry Manilow: "Can't Smile Without You"
Micky Lawrence: "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia"
Rupert Holmes: "The Pina Colada Song"
Donovan: "Way Down On The Ocean"
Olivia-Newton John: "I Honestly Love You"
Bobby Goldsborough: "And Honey I Missed You"
"And many more!"
Looking Glass: "Brandy"
Fianlly,...
"Sessions presents...Faces of Death"
Joel: "Oh, stop it!!!"
*From 416 "Fire Maidens from Outer Space"
Things the Twin Screw Universal Controller can do:
When Joel is in command:
It controls the ship's yaw
It controls the ship's pitch
It controls the ship's environment
It controls the ship's temperature
It controls the lights (movie sign, commercial sign, Mads' calling)
It controls the doors
It controls the hexfield viewscreen
It controls people's opinions, emotions, attitudes; specifically, it can make
Tom Servo say this about Steve Guttenberg, a man whom he really, really
dislikes: "I think 'Three Men and a Little Lady' was a *terrific* movie!
Steve Guttenberg is a patriot, a hero, and one of the finest men I have ever
known."
It controls the time
It can make supper in a jiffy
It lifts
It separates
It can turn you into a 9-year-old Hindu boy
It takes a rat and turns it into a delicious...unknown
With Timmy at the levers, the T.S.U.C. can do these things:
It can make Joel wear a cowboy hat, a walrus mustache, and hold an
umbrella. It can put Tom Servo in a dress, replace his bubble with a
model ship, and make him hold a pennant with pictures of a screw and a
ball on it. It can place a root beer float on the desk.
It can roast Tom Servo on a spit over hot coals. It can put a propeller
beanie, clown nose, and troll hands on Joel, and make him wear his jumpsuit
backwards (I think). It can also make Joel turn the spit, presumably to
make sure Tom Servo doesn't get too well done.
*From 422 "The Day the Earth Froze"
List of things Joel and the 'bots think a sampo might be:
Tom: A small taste of no-fat cheese at the grocery store.
Crow: A really good can-opener.
Tom: A strapless evening gown.
Joel: A hand-hammered conch belt with turquoise inlays used to accentuate an
oversized blouse.
Crow: That dent between the nose and the lip.
Tom: Some sort of wrinkle cream.
Joel: A progressive new corporation with an eye towards the future. Sampo is
a corporation for people by people.
Crow: Increases corn yields.
Tom: A nasty little rubber novelty item.
Crow: Something not tangible that's found in the laughter of children, roar of
the tide, or the capacity to love and be loved.
Joel: A new, high energy prop comic.
Tom: Whatever it is, the U.S.A. still makes the best ones.
Crow: An exciting new fragrance by Prince Macciabelli.
*From 424 "Manos: the Hands of Fate"
List of exaggerated features that are scarier than Torgo's big knees:
Joel: ...really huge forearms.
Tom: ...one big droopy pinky, and I'd drag it behind me.
Crow: ...one buttcheek that was WAY bigger than the other...
Tom: My head a canker, a big, giant canker, nothing but.
Joel: ...one really big flared nostril and inside would be lots of red matted
hairs.
Crow: An ear that would cover me like a shroud and a thumb the size of a
juggling pin, but not on my hand.
Tom: Nipples, many sizes, many shapes, some on my back.
Crow: A tongue the size of a sleeping bag and my fingers would fold the other
way...
Joel: On my face, everything except no nose...not even holes...
Tom: My intestines on top of my head, where I would have to keep them
greased.
Crow: I'd remove my skin, restitch it and wear it as a cardigan.
Tom: I would have a dulap (???)
*From 501 "Warrior of the Lost World"
What the "Bitter Sweethearts" (candy hearts) say:
Joel: Get out
Crow: Owie, owie, owie
Tom: Love me
Joel: Still mad
Crow: My needs
Tom: Bite me
Joel: Drop 'em
Crow: I'm tested
Tom: That hair
Joel: Can't leave the county
Tom: Weird face
Joel: You'll do
Crow: Like a brother
All: It's blue!
*From 501 "Warrior of the Lost World"
Possible post-apocalypse activities ("factor out the unfathomable human
loss and a guy could really get a lot done!"):
The lines at Nordstrom's would actually be quite light
Play endless games of stickball on I-94
Take some time off and do some entertaining
Make a nutritious well-balanced meal, then just let it go bad while you cram
your face with T.J. Bearwich cookies
Drive a tank everywhere, blowing the bejeebers out of some of Man's greatest
architecture as you go along
Walk around totally naked holding a Big Gulp Terminator 2 glass
Start cars, put bricks on the accelerators, ansend them screaming down the
highway for days on end
Feel completely unselfconscious about renting videotapes like "Turner & Hooch"
and "Three Men and a Little Lady"
Head down to Wimbledon, hit around a little bit, then truck on over to St.
Andrews to do a quick nine
Put football pads on and go up and down the street diving through plate-glass
windows
Go into the Taj Mahal on your mini-bike and spin donuts
Then bust out the windows with a wrist rocket, using diamonds for ammo
*From 501 "Warrior of the Lost World"
Cool People at the Rally (given by Tom Servo)
First Row:
Robby Benson
Jack Burns
Andrea Martin
Dennis Hopper
Jody (?)
Garry Shandling
Paul Reiser
Peter Cook
Junior Semples
Elayne Boosler
Adam Sandler
Barry Sobel
Second Row:
Garth Brookes
Bruce Smailer (?)
Les Paul
Patrick Swayze as Gandhi
Sheryl Lee Ralph
Robert Carradine
Bruno Kirby
Griffin Dunne
Mike Nichols
Ron Reagan
Demi Moore
Gabriel Byrne
Gallagher
Robert Loggia
Janis Joplin
Jonathan Schwartz
Third Row:
Lyle Waggoner
Tom Dreisden
Steve Rubell
Alan Alda
Michael Ironside
k.d. lang
Kate Clinton
Lee Van Cleef
Marli Matlin
David Byrne
Linda Hunt
Leslie West
Sandy Duncan
Craig T. Nelson
David Letterman
Tony Danza
Anthony Quinn
Edie Brickell
Tony Bill
On Stage Left:
Roland Gift
Jerzey Kozinski
Rene Aburjonious
On Stage Right:
John Hurt
Cicely Tyson
Michael Pare
Center Stage:
Persis Khambatta
I can't quite place him, "Paper Chase" guy?
*From 503 "Swamp Diamonds"
New nicknames for Mike "Touch" Connors, as suggested by Joel, Crow, and Tom.
"Thrust" Connors
"Jab"
"Fudge"
"Crunch"
"Blast"
"Smidge"
"Shout"
"Batch"
"Scrod"
"Flake"
"Wink"
"Sploot"
"Pinch"
"Probe"
"Wing"
"Snake"
"Grunt"
"Flink"
"Branch"
"Pinch"
"Pat"
"Hal"
"Snack"
"Slap"
*From 505 "The Magic Voyage of Sinbad"
Other Names for Sinbad:
Skinbag
Zigzag
Whizbang
Tinpants
Shinblend (?)
Skinsnag
*From 516 "Alien from LA"
Really Femme-y Movies:
Lonely People
Beaches
Men Don't Leave
The Lemon Sisters
For The Boys
Yentl
Mystic Pizza
The Four Seasons
Places In The Heart
Steel Magnolias
The Goodbye Girl
Late For Dinner
Six Weeks
Cousins
Irreconcilable Differences
Don't Tell Her It's Me
Dying Young
Stella
Herb Ross Film Festivle
Always
Not Without My Daughter
Mermaids
Savannah Smiles
Ice Castles
Madame Souszatska
Fried Green Tomatoes
Rich And Famous
Forever Young
*From 519 "Outlaw"
Plays Mike Was In (In a Sailor Suit):
HMS Pinafore
South Pacific
Anything Goes
Moby Dick: The Musical
Death Of A Salesman
Inherit The Wind
Waiting For Godot
Hamlet
Spoon River Anthology
`night, Mother...
Murder In The Cathedral
[?]
Richard III
Oh, Calcutta!
*From 519 "Outlaw"
Suggested Names for USA-Network original movies:
Mike: "Malibu Death Breast".
Crow: Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat-and-
mouse in "Murder Most Moist".
Tom: Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in "Peekaboo Lace,
P.I.".
Crow: Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in "Dark Underpants".
Mike: Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist in "Tongue Lashing".
Tom: Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in "French Pistol" ...catch
it!
Mike: Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with
him in "Death Spank".
Crow: Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime-fighting unit in "The
Lingerie Justice Files".
Tom: Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are "The Crotchless Killers".
Crow: Hart Bochner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and
Ben Vereen in "Tap Pant Desire".
Mike: William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in "The Hawaii
Edible-Underwear Murders".
Tom: Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who traps a killer in "Cheek Beat".
Crow: Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in "The Waco Panty Raid".
Mike: Eric Roberts is a freaked-out artist who gets more than he bargained for
in "Naked Came The Nude".
Tom: Peter DeLuise and Tommy Tune are "Cod Police".
*From 520 "Radar Secret Service"
Names for the Radar ball on top of the car.
Chrome golf balls. On sale now.
Colander warehouse. All we do is colanders, and we do them right.
The Melon Squad is in hot pursuit.
And the Goiter-Mobile is there.
That's right, kettle drums, all sizes, kettle drums, get them here.
The Chevy with the rice cooker on its roof is following us again.
Bobbers. Red and white plastic bobbers. They float. Use them.
Acorn squash. Make a delicious winter soup.
Van de Graaff generators. Practice science in your own home.
Beach balls. Get your beach balls. Throw them back and forth on the beach.
Stainless steel Swedish meatballs. All stainless, all Swedish, all meatball.
Get them here.
Round things. Today we are promoting round things. Half off on all round
things.
Attention all squirrels: squirrels need round things too. Think about it.
You too mule deer -- round things.
We have stainless steel truffles.
Silver almond cookies. On sale now.
Toilet tank floats. Stop your toilet from always flowing.
*From 522 "Teenage Crimewave"
List of Dougy Guys
Ernest Borgnine
Jack Weston
Charles Durning
Pat Hingle
Dom Deluise
Hubert H. Humphrey
Nelson Rockefeller
Alvin Barkley
Lyndon Johnson
Wendall Willkie
Huey Long
Fiorello LaGuardia
The Commish
Dan Ackroyd
Ed Koch
Mario Lanza
Ed Asner
Stephen Stills
Penn Jillette
David Crosby
Stubby Kaye
Charles Kurault
Richard Daley (both of them)
Ben Alexander
Fred Clark
Jesse White
Bill Clinton
TV's Frank *is* Doughy Man
*From 524 "12 to the Moon"
Tough-guy names used to describe the beefy captain.
Tom: Yes, I'm Captain Cliff Beefpile, that's me.
Crow: Gonna set this to Central STUD Time, `cause I'm Sledge Riprock!
Crow: Tank Concrete, Astro-NAUT!
Mike: Bronc Drywall.
Tom: Stump Hugelarge at the controls!
Tom: Chunk Pylon here.
Crow: Chunk Manmusk.
Mike: Captain Ron Codpiece on the Moooon!
Mike: Sledge Fisthammer.
Crow: Clint Stompheader.
Tom: Is this the end of Captain Chuck Hardslab???
Mike: I did it! I saved us all! I'm Chunk Ironchest, and I won!
*From 603 "The Dead Talk Back"
Set list that Mike and the 'bots were going to play.
Gypsy: After Alpine Valley, they did Love Light, into Sugaree...
Crow: Wow..
Gypsy: ...into Dark Star...
Crow: Cool...
Gypsy: ...into Love Light...
Crow & Tom: Yeah...
Gypsy: ...into Sugaree...
C & T: Woah...
Gypsy: ...into Love light...
C & T: Man...
Gypsy: ...into Dark Star...
C & T: Yeah...
Gypsy: ...into Sugaree...
Mike: ...um, can anyone tell me why we're dressed like this, again?
Tom: Mike, remember? The name of the movie is "The Dead Talk Back"--we're
the Dead, get it?
Gypsy: ...and then the *moon* came out, and it was like Jerry willed it!
Crow: Come ON, Mike! Freak freely, dude!
Mike: Well, okay.
*From 610 "The Violent Years"
What they play on FRANK
Clay: Turn your crank to FRANK.
Frank: Less talk.
Clay: And more new country.
Frank: Wynonna.
Clay: Billy Ray Cyrus.
Frank: Love that FRANK.
Tom: Okay.
Mike: Yeah, I can't promise that I personally will be turning my crank to
FRANK but I ...
Frank: But it's a radio station, called FRANK.
Clay: More Garth. More Reba.
Frank: Wynonna.
Tom, Mike, Crow: general mumbling
Clay: Brooks and Dunn.
Crow: Well, I don't ...
Clay: Brooks and Dunn.
Frank: Wynonna.
Tom: What is Wynonna?
Mike: I don't know.
Frank: Don't you see how great it is? My name is Frank, the radio station's
name is FRANK. It's totally uncharacteristic to name a radio station FRANK.
Clay: More Garth. More Reba.
Frank: Wynonna.
Tom: Am I out of Reba? Do I need more Reba?
Crow: Or any Wynonna?
Mike: I don't know. Sorry guys, have to think about this one, turning my
crank to FRANK
[...at the end of the episode...]
Clay: You see, it's a radio station called Frank. Rarely is a radio station
named after a person. And when it's given a solid name like Frank, well it
becomes campy and endearing.
Frank: Wynonna. Vince Gill. Berlin Husky[sic]. Roger Miller.
Clay: Oh fine. Don't turn your crank to Frank, you stupid fatheads.
Frank: Tex Ritter. Pat Butrum[sic]. Slim Whitman. Hank Snow. Marty Robbins.
Nancy Bachner[sic]. Sonny Burgess. Dag Hammerskjold. Donna Fargo. Crispin
Glover. C. W. McCall. Zamphir. Barbara Mandrell. Maury Povich. Coco Chanel.
Ernest Tubb[sic]. Larry Storch. Jerry Lee Lewis. Edward Everett Horton[sic].
Gentleman Jim Reeves[sic]. Boss Jim Gettys[sic]. Mrs. Miller. Karen Valentine.
Stonewall Jackson. Charley Pride.
Special thanks to:
Douglas Carroll, Stuart Carroll, Robert Chmilnitzky, Mike Czaplinski, Kevin
Days, Paul Debraski, Clifton Derrick, Matthew Duhan, Fred "el phred" Francis,
Nate Heckel, Chad Gould, Brian K!z!K MacDonald, Matthew E. Merkelson, Petrea
Mitchell, Perri Mongan, Phil Mueller, Jess Nevins, Mark Odell, Mike Pearce,
Chris Piuma, Ken Prechtel, Tom Salyers, Chris Seale, M Sipher, John Sizemore,
Michael L. Susz, Kathleen Tibbetts, Julie Walker, Marissa Westerfield, Marilyn
Wilkerson, Jim Williams, Chris Wolvie, Mike Zavisca
And to many other MiSTies from coast to coast.
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1995 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central or its employees. This FAQ is
free to distribute not-for-profit as long as this notice remains intact. If
you would like to reprint any part of this publication, please drop me a line,
so I can add it to the FAQ. No part of this publication may be reprinted, in
whole or part, for profit or in hard printed form without express written
permission of the maintainer, Matthew Duhan (fRiNgE@cybercom.net).
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