Source http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Lot/5700/mitchtop5.htm 03/05/01
Since the late fifties, my good friend Torgo and I have been corresponding. Sure, those early years were erratic, what with messenger pigeons and unpredictable weather patterns of the time, but still we managed to communicate. Things sure have improved since the advent of electronic mail. Here's a fine example of our online thought exchange.
JOE DON BAKER'S TOP FIVE Y2K WORRIES5. Nacho cheese dispenser at local 7-11 will stop working
4. With public transit system down, he'll have to walk to the 7-11 for smokes
3. Clock on VCR will go back to flashing "12:00" again
2. His `72 LTD won't turn over on New Year's Day
1. Dream of women in space-age spandex jumpsuits in the year 2000, alas only a dream
TOP FIVE FEATURES OF MITCHELL BEANIE BABIES
5. Merlin Olsen beanie comes with adorable pike embedded in gut
4. "My Dinner with Mitchell" beanies packaged with boom mic
3. Linda Evans beanie complete with exotic smoking accessories
2. Gallano and Mistretta beanies interchangable
1. Mitchell beanie doubles as loveseat
TOP FIVE WAYS TO TELL IF JOE DON BAKER HAS WORKED ON YOUR PC
5. Chocolate sprinkles on the keypad
4. Most recent IE bookmark: Persian Kitty
3. New folder on your C:drive named "People I wanna shoot"
2. BTO wave file executed on startup
1. Schlitz Win95 theme
TOP FIVE WAYS JOE DON BAKER PLANS ON STOPPING EXPERIMENT 1008:FINAL JUSTICE FROM AIRING
5. Smother Sci-Fi channel satellite uplink with chunky salsa
4. Start a rumour: Crow and Servo, gay lovers
3. Merlin Olsen to personally deliver Pick-Me-Up bouquets to Pearl Forrester every ten minutes
2. Blaze into Best Brains offices weilding the big stick from Walking Tall
1. Hunger strike... Um, on second thought, maybe not
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT GHOST HUNTER
5. Being "slimed" a lot like Linda's baby oil backrubs
4. Owns a poker table that doubles as a Ouiji board
3. Seen most of the Casper cartoons as a kid
2. Hasn't seen Ghost but has seen Striptease many, many times
1. Almost appeared in an episode of Tales from the Crypt-Keeper
TOP FIVE FEATURES OF THE JOE DON BAKER PAINT PROGRAM
5. Roscoe Wizard draws dorks on your favourite pictures
4. Schlitz Vision graphics filter
3. Cedar Lattice paint texture
2. Chalk Outline wizard
1. Lipstick paintbrush
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S EXTERIOR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AND DECORATIONS
5. Christmas lights spell "Buzz off!" on roof
4. Empty beer cases stacked to create a magical Santa's village
3. Christmas wreath hung on door actually a hubcap off the Ford LTD
2. "Seasons Greetings" written in snow... Don't ask how!
1. Big yellow thing festively decorated with tinsel
TOP FIVE COOLEST THINGS ABOUT JOE DON BAKER REPLACING THE LATE PHIL HARTMAN ON THE SIMPSONS
5. Troy MacLure now has more bad movies to add to his resume... and they're real!
4. Business picks up at Moe's Tavern
3. Barney no longer the drunkest man in Springfield
2. Burns and Smithers replaced by Balsam and Olsen
1. Gives Homer's slouching a run for his money
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MITCHELL CAST REUNION CELEBRITY GOLF TOURNAMENT
5. Martin Balsam and Merlin Olsen making snow angels in the sand trap
4. Tiger Woods blindsided by the big yellow thing
3. John Saxon last sighted searching for a stray ball in the woods
2. Joe Don Baker throwing empties into the gallery
1. Hearing CBS golf commentator Gary McCord say the word "puffy" a lot
TOP FIVE WAYS A HOT AIR BALLOON CHASE SCENE WOULD HAVE IMPROVED MITCHELL
5. Chance for director to slip his Association tape into the soundtrack
4. Balloon failing to rise with Joe Don on board great for comic relief
3. Joe Don's balloon shaped like a Schlitz can
2. A balloon chase would have to be faster than that car chase
1. Joe Don would replace propane tanks with beer kegs
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU CAN TELL JOE DON BAKER HAS USED A CAMPSITE BEFORE YOU
5. Chalk outline next to bed of pine needles
4. Chipmunks have developed a taste for porkrinds
3. Deer's antlers decorated with empty sour cream tubs
2. Definite recession where Joe Don's tent had been located
1. Area trees stripped of bark by an unidentified corrosive liquid
FIVE THINGS JOE DON BAKER MIGHT HAVE SAID TO PIERCE BROSNAN HAD HE BEEN HANDCUFFED TO HIM ON A MOTORCYCLE LIKE IN TOMORROW NEVER DIES
5. Hey Jimbo, pull my finger!
4. Pull over, we just passed Taco Bell!
3. Hope you don't mind, I brought a beer cooler along
2. At least you drive faster than Merlin Olsen
1. Think Terri Hatcher likes me?
TOP FIVE WAYS A HUGE GREEN LIZARD WOULD HAVE IMPROVED THE MOVIE MITCHELL
5. Joe Don already has inflammable breath, why not use it?
4. Viewers spared 90 painful minutes by stomping Martin Balsam at film's start
3. Thousands of fleeing Japanese forshadow box-office receipts
2. Merlin Olsen in a rubber suit worth the price of admission alone
1. "Godzilla VS Mitchell" just has a certain ring to it
TOP FIVE WAYS MITCHELL WOULD DEAL WITH PUBLIC VANDALISM
5. Have Merlin Olsen administer public canings in the town square
4. Disguise self as giant sour cream burrito and wait...
3. Blast Hoyt Axton music from historic monuments
2. Discourage taggers by coating entire town with chunky salsa
1. Line `em up, let the big yellow thing sort `em out
THE GENERIC JOE DON BAKER TOP FIVE LIST
5. There's Schlitz in them thar hills
4. Cream cheese... sour cream... see the connection?!
3. If Martin Balsam were here, he'd slap your fat face
2. Mitchell:The Musical seemed like a good idea at the time
1. Wasn't John Saxon on this list?
TOP FIVE JOE DON BAKER TV ENDORSEMENTS FOR McDONALDS NEW McPUFFY SANDWICH
5. "Loaded up with twelve types of processed cheese!"
4. "Only burger to have a hot dog as a topping!"
3. "The McPuffy: One look at my gut and you know I like these babies!"
2. "Eat my weight in McPuffies and your next one's free!"
1. "Hey, it's gotta be better than their McPizza!"
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE UPCOMING NHL PLAYOFFS
5. Throwing pork chops on the ice in Detroit
4. Merlin Olsen cooks a wicked batch of "red wings" every Saturday night
3. Don Cherry usually pounds the snot out of Ron McLean by the third period
2. Ditching Linda Evans in Montréal somewhere
1. Martin Balsam's a face painter
TOP FIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S NEW PERSONAL WEB PAGE
5. Animated GIF of Mitchell crushing beer can on forehead
4. MIDI collection of every known Hoyt Axton song
3. John Saxon image gallery: 404 address not found
2. Links to Schlitz breweries and the BTO homepage
1. Porkrind bullets
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WAS CUT FROM THE CANADIAN BOBSLED TEAM
5. Placed a "flaming dickie" hankie on the Finish team's sled
4. Insists on going through Arby's drive-through halfway down the run
3. Team-members annoyed by his constant YEE-HAs at every turn
2. Busted Ross Rebagliati for grass
1. Bobsleds aren't supposed to do wheelies
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT RODEO CLOWN
5. After years of butting heads with Olsen, a big cow is no problem
4. Two words: rodeo burritos
3. Chicks really go for a guy in uniform
2. Crowd gets to see why he's called "the teflon butt"
1. Audience always laughs when he scrawls Linda's name on a cow's ass
TOP 5 REASONS MITCHELL WOULD MAKE A GREAT HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
5. For once, the puffy kids have a shot at the star role
4. Interpretive dance for the car chase scene good for a laugh
3. Not a dry eye in the house when "My-my-my-my Mitchell" is sung
2. Other song highlights include "Adjust my Roscoe" and "You're Lying Through Your Teeth"
1. I'm sick to death with Grease already!
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER IS ALREADY FED UP WITH 1998
5. Drinking buddy Olsen too busy taking orders for "Millenium bouquets"
4. Tired of receiving support cheques from his ex-wife dated "1997"
3. Only two weeks into the year and he's already gained four pounds
2. It's been over twenty years and he still can't live that MITCHELL role down
1. Windows98 just around the corner...JUST KIDDING!!
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER IS LOOKING FORWARD TO DISCOVERING LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS
5. Distant hope that he just might be superior to some type of life form
4. Get in on some of that Romulan ale, like on STAR TREK
3. Get in on some of those green Orion slave girls, like on STAR TREK
2. Fun to imagine what Martian pizza might taste like
1. It'd be nice to take Linda Evans back home
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MITCHELL INTERACTIVE CD-ROM
5. Lift sofa cushions to reveal delicious snacks
4. Reenact riviting car chase in almost painful detail
3. Ability to have Olson make more soup
2. Incredible soundtrack options thanks to John Saxon's 8-tracks
1. Rifle through Linda Evans' purse and find the pot
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A GREAT DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
5. No padding necessary
4. Nose lit up like a cherry
3. During holiday season, switches from bourbon to Peppermint Schnapps
2. Elves Saxon and Olson a hit with the kids
1. Willing to bust even Mrs.Claus for smoking grass
5 REASONS JOE DON WAS SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED FOR VAN HALEN'S SAMMY HAGAR REPLACEMENT
5. Makes Michael Anthony look sort of talented
4. Knows "Take Your Whiskey Home" like he wrote it himself
3. Makes Michael Anthony look sort of cute
2. All the more groupies for Eddie and Alex
1. Makes Michael Anthony look sort of sober
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER HATES ABOUT COLD WEATHER
5. The way his tounge sticks to beer cans
4. Can't walk around shirtless for too long
3. Martin Balsam waddling around in his Gortex snowsuit
2. Saxon borrows shovel...goodbye shovel
1. Linda Evans tastes like Vick's Vap-o-rub
JOE DON BAKER'S TOP 5 MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT LIFE IN CANADA
5. Thinks everybody's named Gordie
4. BTO's still on the radio
3. Pamela Anderson's number is listed in phone book
2. Back bacon is calorie free north of the border
1. Donut shop on every corner (Actually, it's every other corner)
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKERS CATERING BUSINESS WENT BANKRUPT
5. His adamant refusal to wear a hairnet
4. Kept showing up at parties with an empty truck and a sheepish grin
3. Secret ingredient in his salad dressing: baby oil
2. Insisted on serving food while shirtless
1. Merlin Olsen was a lousy waiter
FIVE JOE DON BAKER IDEAS FOR NHL EXPANSION TEAM NAMES
5. The Pensicola Porkrinds
4. The Milwaukee Merlins
3. The Chicago Schlitzkies
2. The Philadelphia Deep-Fat Fryers
1. The London Saxons
FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER CONSIDERED BECOMING A PRIEST
5. Access to lots of ceremonial wine
4. Always wanted to sing "Kumbaya" to an audience
3. Chance to talk of the miracle of the seven porkrinds and two oranges
2. Saxon and Olsen, alter servers
1. Today's homily: The spiritual qualities of Schlitz
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WAS NOT ACCEPTED TO BECOME A CANADIAN MOUNTIE
5. PETA protesting cruelty to JoeDon's horse
4. Pork rind crumbs on his spit polished boots
3. When he signed to join the mounted police, he thought he'd be gettin' it a little more
2. Flipped the "O Canada" tape to play "Whipping Post" during official ceremonies
1. Red uniform makes him look like an over-ripe tomato
TOP 5 SCENES IN THE JOE DON BAKER VERSION OF DR.STRANGELOVE
5. In the "Big Map" room, president is actually calling for Thai take out
4. JoeDon keeps referring to Dr.Strangelove as "Doc Weirdmitts"
3. Slim Pickens actually rides the big yellow thing onto Russian target
2. George C.Scott and John Saxon argue over who's forehead is more "sweaty"
1. "Forget the Ruskies, let's bomb Canada!"
FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER HATES CARPOOLING WITH SAXON, MERLIN, AND MATHIS
5. When it comes time to chip in for gas, Saxon's never around
4. Back seat littered with flower petals and orange peels
3. The way Johnny Mathis sings his travel directions
2. Merlin's the *worst* nagging backseat driver you can think of
1. The way Saxon taps the dashboard whenever "KungFu Fighting" plays on the radio
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WANTS TO START A DAY CARE CENTER
5. Make good use of his new patent: The all-day pork rind
4. Stack of beer cases in back yard quickly converts into fort
3. Challenge of shaping young minds into own, bloated image
2. Martin Balsam is great with kids
1. Two words: Single moms
THE FIVE SIGNS OF THE JOE DON BAKER APOCALYPSE
5. Classic rock stations switch to freeform jazz formats
4. Merlin's bouquets don't arrive on time any more
3. All the Schlitz in the world suddenly turns "skunky"
2. Local Gulp'N'Go enforces new "No shirt No shoes No service" policy
1. John Saxon comes back!!
FIVE JEOPARDY CATEGORIES JOE DON BAKER WOULD NOT EXCELL IN
5. Primary colours
4. Homoerotic books
3. Ike and Tina Turner
2. What's that? Soap?
1. Famous vowels
FIVE REASONS WHY A BALLOONFEST SCENE WOULD HAVE MADE MITCHELL A BIG HIT
5. All those "hot air" jokes too good to resist
4. A balloon chase would have been faster
3. Action-packed balloon scene with Mitchell and the big yellow thing
2. Linda Evans replica balloon is pretty scary
1. Burning hankie has catastrophic effect at 5000 feet
TOP 5 REASONS WHY JOE DON WOULD MAKE A GREAT KINDERGARTEN TEACHER
5. Snack-time guaranteed four, five, six times a day
4. By year's end, kids will know words to "Freebird" by heart
3. Encourages children to nap by setting an example
2. WHERE'S WALDO books come to life when John Saxon visits
1. "Hey kids, that was a fun game but how's `bout another snack?!"
FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT REPLACEMENT FOR ACE FREHLEY
5. Understands "Cold Gin" intimately
4. Joe Don's actually hit "Rock Bottom" a few times
3. Can always count on makeup tips from Linda Evans
2. Ace would drink `till he couldn't play, Joe Don's already there
1. After a few Schlitzkies, even he has "Trouble Walking"
FIVE THINGS OVERHEARD AT JOE DON BAKER'S POOLSIDE SUMMER BASH
5. Don't you dare let me catch you peeing in my pool, Adam Rich!
4. Sorry to get your suit wet, Balsam!
3. Uh, Joe Don, could you please wear trunks instead of that speedo?
2. Clear the pool! Olsen and Saxon are cannonballing!
1. Ugh!! For God's sake, Linda! Put something on!
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER'S TRIP TO THE HOCKEY HALL OF FAME
5. Using the Stanley Cup for chip dip
4. John Saxon playing "virtual goalee"
3. Don Cherry's "Rock'em Sock'em" videos set to waka-jawaka music
2. Standing next to the Blackhawks of `72 and still having more teeth
1. After a few Mooseheads, that Kelly Hrudy looks pretty good
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A GREAT REPLACEMENT FOR MIKE NELSON
5. Jumpsuits will fit just about anyone, lumpy or not
4. If escape pod was in box of hamdingers, Joe Don would be long gone
3. Invention exchange: beer can art, week after week after week...
2. We'd probably see a lot more of ANGEL'S REVENGE
1. Makes Torgo look kind of cute
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER HATES ABOUT LONG ROAD TRIPS
5. The way his beefy, gummy, shirtless back sticks to the vinyl seats
4. That damned Yanni tape stuck in the the cassette player
3. The way Olsen and Balsam cry out "Are we there yet?" from the back seat
2. "Hot merging action" really ain't that hot
1. The way Saxon taunts him from his passing limmo
TOP 5 REASONS JDB WOULD MAKE A GOOD CLOWN FOR DAMAGE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
5. Doesn't make balloon animals...only balloon dickies
4. Not too many clowns bring their own coolers to parties
3. Knows lots of jokes, just not most of the punchlines
2. Can juggle an eight course meal, usually between lunch and supper
1. Clown makeup by Linda Evans
TOP 5 REASOSN JOE DON NEVER MISSES AN APPEARANCE BY THE QUEEN
5. Royal barbecues the stuff dreams are made of
4. Always fun to stuff Fritos in Prince Charles ears
3. Her "We are not amused" line at his toe-handling-sixpack trick is so cute
2. Great chance to moon Princess Margaret and blame it on Saxon
1. That moment the guitar breaks into "We Will Rock You" is pure magic
JOE DON BAKERS TOP 5 FAVORITE PRANK PHONE CALLS
5. Call a stranger and ask her what they're eating
4. Call FTD, ask Merlin to deliver a pick-me-up to an invalid address
3. Call Linda Evans and yawn incessantly (Yanni, get it? Ugh!)
2. Call James Garner and yell, "Hoyt Axton never did your theme song, tough guy!"
1. Call Saxon, ask if his fridge is running, get sidetracked and invite himself over
FIVE JOE DON BAKER SCENES CUT FROM CATALINA CAPER
5. A drunken JoeDon harasses Little Richard to sing "Shout" from ANIMAL HOUSE
4. Little Richard, pepped up on goofballs, smashes a pickle tray over JoeDon's head
3. Bumbling CIA guy is actually funny compared to JoeDon's pathetic attempts
2. JoeDon asking the Greek guy if he knows Telly Savalis
1. Joe Don Baker in little pants!!! No!!!!!
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JOE DON BAKER GAME SHOW
5. Spinning wheel of dollars replaced with John Saxon shooting craps
4. Gain points by eagerly refilling host's bowl of peanuts
3. Only game show in which the host has a buzzer...to order beer
2. Win twenty bucks by identifying stuff in Merlin Olsen's beard
1. Get a wrong answer and down drops the big yellow thing
TOP 5 RIDES AT BAKERWORLD
5. John Saxon dune-buggy race (Roll the buggy and die, get your money back)
4. Linda Evans and the scary new age house of Yanni
3. Johnny Mathis shooting gallery
2. Martin and Merlin's slow speed car chase rally
1. JoeDon's tilt-o-whirl (Not a ride, just what he does after a few 6 packs)
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER WANTS TO GET DONE AROUND THE YARD THIS SUMMER
5. Mow Linda Evan's garden
4. Arrange a few garden gnomes he scoffed from Martin Balsam's place
3. Rake up the six-pack rings littering the yard
2. Compost the jack-o-lantern
1. Compost Johnny Mathis
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER HATES ABOUT ICE HOCKEY
5. Puck too damn hard to see after a couple of Shlitzkie chasers
4. Player's names not American enough, dammit!
3. Tailgate parties in cities like Hartford and Edmonton
2. Don Cherry keeps asking for his autograph while in Buffalo
1. ESPN pre-empts women's beach volleyball for Colorado games
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF INDIANA MITCHELL AND THE TEMPLE OF SAXON
5. Travels to India to find missing three Schlitzkies from sacred six-pack
4. Dinner of sheeps eyes and roast scarab beetles served by Merlin Olsen
3. Trademarked Tiley hat replaced with "Hooters" T shirt
2. Crushing rolling boulder courtesy of Martin Balsam
1. John Saxon is really Mitchell's father, and boy is he disappointed
TOP 5 FREE PRISES FOUND IN BOXES OF NEW MITCHELL-O'S
5. Trial-size bag of pork rinds
4. Little, bitty bottle of baby oil
3. Plastic rings from a six-pack of Schlitz
2. John Saxon toy -- wind him up and off he goes never to be seen again
1. Stuff found in Merlin Olsen's beard
TOP 5 SURE FIRE WAYS TO TELL JOE DON BAKER IS NOT CANADIAN
5. Sings "O Canada" to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"
4. Keeps asking "What happened to the fourth down?" at CFL games
3. Metric measurment on tubs of sour cream still confuse him
2. Can't swear in French
1. No Gordon Lightfoot 8-tracks to be found in his truck
TOP 5 SCRIPT SUGGESTIONS JDB HAD ON THE SET OF GOLDENEYE
5. "Think you can work in a beery sex scene with me and that Russian chick?"
4. Theme song a duet by BTO with Johnny Mathis
3. "Shaken not stirred" replaced with "Schlitz in the can"
2. "How about Bond going to a monster truck ralley?"
1. Butt-double stand-in for the tattoo scene
TOP 5 FEATURES JOE DON PUTS IN HIS PERSONAL AD
5. I can tell the difference between butter and I-Can't-Believe-Its-Not-Butter
4. Underneath my soft chest, there's a soft heart
3. I'll bust your ex-boyfriends
2. There's nothing as romantic as eating pork rinds by candlelight
1. Gimme a six-pack of Schlitz and I'll be yours `til morning
THE GENERIC JOE DON BAKER TOP FIVE LIST
5. Kim Mitchell really hates it when people mistake him for that guy
4. Turn-ons include baby oil, BTO and chunky salsa
3. FTD florists are thinking about getting another spokesperson
2. Reverend Joe Don and the Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
1. What's that? Ham?
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JOE DON BAKER VERSION OF BABE
5. Three singing mice replaced by ZZ Top tribute band
4. 3M corporate film worked into dog show scene
3. Sheep-killing dogs replaced with car chase, complete with merging action
2. Merlin Olsen the farmer, John Saxon his wife
1. Two words: pork chops
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JOE DON BAKER VERSION OF THE GREAT ESCAPE
5. Theme music whistled by Hoyt Axton throughout film
4. "If Saxon can do it, so can I!" line repeated over and over
3. Nazis always asking, "Are all Americans like you?"
2. Seventy-three escapees found by following trail of pork-rind crumbs
1. Bigger tunnels, BIGGER tunnels!
TOP 5 REASONS THAT MITCHELL DAY IS BIGGER IN CANADA THAN CHRISTMAS
5. Mitchell carols give everyone that happy, bloated feeling
4. With a nation population of 20,000 John Saxon's pretty easy to find
3. Festive Schlitz go well with backbacon
2. One workday of year employees can stretch out for a nap on the job
1. Post-Mitchell Day sales! Porkrinds half off!
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MITCHELL PREQUEL COMING OUT NEXT YEAR
5. Johnny Mathis fall from grace in Vegas
4. John Saxon ain't in this one much either
3. T-1000 comes from the future to terminate Linda Evans
2. Mitchell's first name revealed: Cosmo
1. Adam Rich just an embryo
TOP 5 WAYS JDB WOULD HAVE IMPROVED SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
5. Human head in jar replaced with pickled eggs
4. Merlin Olsen skinning vitims to make commemorative football
3. Fava beans?? Pork rinds!!
2. Jizz replaced with Schlitz suds
1. Joe Don would provide enough leftovers for a week's worth of sandwichs
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF MITCHELL'S GUEST APPEARANCE ON "LITTLE HOUSE"
5. Advent of the "more soup?" argument
4. Willie Olsen shows up at school drunk after breaking into Mitchell's hootch
3. Doc Baker discovers he's "family" and kills himself
2. Olsen's mercantile smash to bits for not stocking pork rinds
1. Charles Ingalls shot for trying to drag Mitch to church
TOP 5 DIFFERENCES IF JOE DON BAKER HAD BEEN THE CREATIVE FORCE BEHIND THE RE-RELEASE OF THE *STAR WARS* TRILOGY
5. Han Solo taken to Jabba imprisonned in giant chocolate bar
4. R2D2 actually a beer fridge on wheels
3. Luke has too many one-sided phone conversations with little relevance to plot
2. Jabba sends every bounty hunter in the galaxy to find John Saxon
1. Vader's "Imperial March" replaced with "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet"
TOP 5 THINGS MITCHELL COULD ADD TO THE JURRASIC PARK SEQUEL
5. The much needed "big lumpy guy" character
4. Will act on audience request and shut Jeff Goldblum up
3. Dinosaurs no match for big yellow thing
2. Will have a LETHAL WEAPON thing going with Samual L.Jackson
1. Velociraptors seem...hungrier
TOP 5 WAYS JOE DON BAKER WILL TRY TO SABOTAGE NEW MST3K SEASON ON SCI/FI
5. Cross wires in SciFi's control room substituting old GREEN ACRES episode
4. Start rumour about Best Brains employing sweat shop labour
3. Bust Mr.B.Natural for possession of illegal substance
2. Will fly by with dangling yellow thing, smashing SOL into smithereens
1. Link with Joel's and Frank's disappearance with that of Jimmy Hoffa's
TOP 5 THINGS THAT WOULD BE COOL IF JOE DON BAKER SAT NEXT TO YOU IN SCHOOL
5. Habbit of stretching out for a nap mid-way through class amusing
4. I can always count on his big, yellow eraser
3. Cafeteria catered by Merlin Olsen
2. Joke about John Saxon not showing up for class never gets old
1. Geeks are sure to be brutally hazed in a bizarre sour cream ritual
TOP 5 WAYS JOE DON BAKER RELIEVES WINTER STRESS
5. Merlin can always be talked into shoveling the driveway
4. Schlitz stays cold if you leave on the back porch
3. Tricks Adam Rich into sticking his tonge to a flagpole
2. Car chases are funner when there's black ice involved
1. Three words: tittie hard-ons!
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER AND JOHN SAXON DID ON LAST VACATION TOGETHER
5. Polished off an 88oz steak in under 30 minutes, got their meals for free
4. Went spellunking in Martin Balsam's toolshed
3. Followed Jimmy Buffet on tour because of some "free margaritas" rumour
2. Went to Dallas to look up Linda Evans (heard she used to work there)
1. Visited Wichita, the birthplace of the pork rind
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF JOE DON BAKER AS THE LEAFS NEW HEAD COACH
5. Frequent time-outs for "pee breaks"
4. Will have Maple Leaf Gardens concession stands moved down to ice level
3. Assign new Leaf enforcer: the big yellow thing!
2. Get Linda Evans to flash opposing team, throwing off their game
1. Promise to win the cup and fill it with pork rinds
TOP 5 REASONS WHY JOE DON WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT AS LEAD IN "ERASER"
5. Would have talked the director into including a beery sex scene
4. New impulse weapon does a cleaner job than a pike in the gut
3. No need for James Caan to spike bottled water
2. No need for bottled water
1. "You're luggage!" line sprayed with pork rind crumbs
TOP FIVE JOE DON BAKER NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
5. To wake up bright and early at the crack of noon
4. No Scotch before ten a.m.
3. Limit helicopter marina flights to one per movie
2. Send Merlin Olsen flowers
1. Give the John Saxon thing a rest already!
TOP 5 REASONS JDB WOULD MAKE A GREAT SALVATION ARMY BELL RINGER
5. Offers Christmas shoppers choice of craps shoot or blackjack
4. BTO around the clock baby! (Sorry, had to use this one again!)
3. Will accept pork rinds in lieu of cash
2. Encourages multi-faith input, says "Happy Hannukah" is "Merry Christmas"
in Jewish 1. Salvation Army pot actually a magnum of Thunderbird
THE TWELVE DAYS OF MITCHELL'S CHRISTMAS
On the twelfth day of Christmas, Joe Don Baker gave to me:
Twelve hour stake-outs
Eleven day-old donuts
Ten super tacos
Nine cedar lattices
Eight Saxon minutes
Seven-eleven coffee
Six cans of Schlitz
Five onion rings
Four shots of rye
Three pork rinds
Two orange peels
And a tub of week-old sour cream
TOP 5 REASONS JDB WOULD MAKE A GREAT USA/CANADA BORDER CUSTOMS AGENT
5. Duty on pork rinds waived
4. Zero tolerence on Linda Evans
3. No more cavity searches because, "...they're too damn icky!"
2. Busts anyone who kind of looks like Martin Balsam when he squints
1. Adam Rich ain't getting into Canada alive!
TOP 5 THINGS JDB DOES TO BEAT HOLIDAY DEPRESSION
5. Hang mistletoe off his fly
4. Hit up Martin Balsam for a Christmas bonus
3. Visit John Saxon, open presents
2. Beat up an elf
1. Drink eggnog straight out of the carton while at the grocery store
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF "MITCHELL- THE CHILDRENS EDITION"
5. Mr.Rogers substituted for Martin Balsam
4. Mitchell able to "transform" into robot-slug
3. Beery sex scene replaced with Ernie & Bert skit
2. John Saxon/Johnny Mathis pie fight
1. Mitchell's "CareBear Lesson in Caring" at end of film
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE "JOE DON BAKER - JOHN SAXON - NORMAN FELL, MONSTERS OF ROCK" WORLD TOUR
5. Just like Axl Rose, John Saxon disappears midway through the set
4. Hells Angels always rush the stage when Norman Fell pays tribute to Hendrix
3. Joe Don Baker's stage dives about as graceful as a trainwreck
2. Fell's drum solo puncuated by Saxon slapping Baker
1. John Ritter sells the tourshirts!
TOP 5 REASONS JDB WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT "BUZZ LIGHTYEAR"
5. Domed helmet gives him that adorable "chubby kid" look
4. Electronic speech buttons say "Gimme a beer" in three languages
3. Arm readout gives exact location of John Saxon at any time
2. Space wings perfect sturdy enough to support a big-yellow-thing
1. All that lying around while the kid's in the room just seems natural
TOP 5 REASONS THAT JDB SHOULD REPLACE MICHAEL RICHARDS AS KRAMER
5. Krammer's "Giddy-up" catchphrase replaced with disgusting belch
4. George might actually feel pretty good about himself
3. John Saxon sure to appear as a guest star
2. NBC to receive millions in endorsements from Schlitz and Frito-Lay
1. Jerry's door will be continually smashed-in by the big yellow thing
TOP 5 REASONS YOU WOULD BE HAPPY TO SEE JDB BECOME PART OF YOUR ACCOUNTING STAFF
5. Draws funny "flip-it" cartoons in legers
4. Big-yellow-thing paperweight looks cool
3. Overdue accounts tracked down and shot like a dog in the street
2. Keeps pork rinds and Schlitz stashed in filing cabinet
1. Books ain't balanced? Wing it!
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER REALLY HATES ABOUT TRICK OR TREATING
5. The rule about not eating anything until getting home
4. The constant "Aren't you a little old for this" routine from people
3. Nobody gives out six-packs like they used to in the old days
2. Apples
1. Can't recognize that Adam Rich kid while wearing a mask
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY JOE DON BAKER WOULD BE A GREAT PRE-SCHOOL TEACHER
5. Brownies for snack time baked by Linda Evans
4. Kids will learn how to nap pretty much anywhere
3. Nobody runs in the halls at this school
2. The big yellow thing loads of fun at gym time
1. Joe Don somehow inspires kids to study harder
TOP 5 REASONS WHY BAKER & SAXON SHOULD BE THE NEW MST3K MAD SCIENTISTS
5. Oftentimes, MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL slips in as an experiment
4. Servo's head neatly converts into beer keg
3. Satellite Of Love: Total babe lair!
2. Umbillicus useful in dispensing nacho cheese dressing
1. All three WALKING TALL movies guaranteed!
TOP 5 TITLES FOR RUSH SONGS RE-WRITTEN FOR JOE DON BAKER
5. Natural Sandwich (Natural Science)
4. Yanni Yanni Zamphir (YYZ)
3. Time Stands Still: The Martin Balsam Stakeout Song
2. Dog Breath (Dog Years)
1. Joe-Don And The Hotdog (By-Tor And The Snow Dog)
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER SHOULD BE ADDED TO THE CAST OF X-FILES
5. Spilling Schlitz on Scully ensures weeks worth of "wet blouse" scenes
4. Mysterious crop circles actually result of a few Martin Balsam donuts
3. Will use alien autopsy video as a date flick
2. Will make Mulder look even prettier
1. Where'd John Saxon go? ALIEN ABDUCTION!
TOP FIVE REASONS JOE DON BAKER SHOULD *NOT* BE ADDED TO THE CAST OF FRIENDS
5. Chandler would probably get on his nerves and therefore be shot
4. Would bust Phoebe for smoking grass
3. Central Perk's "No shirt, no shoes, no service" policy doesn't bode well with him
2. That Ross guy looks too damn much like John Saxon
1. Continually spilling Schlitz on the girls for "wet blouse" scenes would get old fast...uh, on second thought, scratch that...there is no number one!
TOP 5 WAYS THAT JOE DON BAKER WOULD BE GREAT ON THE NEW MST3K SEASON
5. Would ensure Servo's head always full of sour cream
4. Mother Forester: love interest
3. Energetic "WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN" replaced with a lot of grunts and wheezes
2. Can brow-beat Mike Nelson to tears
1. Will assign Martin Balsam as Crow's new voice
TOP 5 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JOE DON BAKER VERSION OF JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR
5. Lyrics to "What's The Buzz" take on a whole new meaning
4. Johnny Mathis as Judas Iscariot manages to slip "Chances Are" in second act
3. Roman soldiers replaced with piss-drunk union guys
2. "Hosanna" an homage to Schlitz
1. John SAXON 3:16!!
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A GREAT DUNGEON MASTER
5. A Denny's in every dungeon!
4. Players permitted to leave a trail of pork rinds when entering labyrinth
3. The deadly pit of sour cream really not that deadly
2. A dragon spewing Schlitz is a good thing in this dungeon
1. You can buy your way out of battles with smokes
TOP 5 SLOGANS FOR JOE DON BAKERS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
5. Who's the big, lumpy guy that's a candidate? MITCHELL!
4. It's time we put the MARE back in America!
3. Powered by Schlitz
2. Who can you trust? A flowery talkin' liberal or a porkrind eatin' regular Joe Don?
1. Brewed in the USA
TOP 5 COOLEST PRIZES EVER TO COME IN JOE DON'S GRAVY-FROSTED SAXON-Os
5. Small tub of sour cream
4. Very cool John Saxon doll, just wind him up and he disappears in mid-play
3. A can of Schlitz
2. Miniature yellow thing with Merlin Olsen's imprint
1. NRA membership form
TOP 5 MORE STYLISH WAYS SAXON COULD HAVE OFFED JOHNNY MATHIS
5. Read him the owner's manual to the Goldstar entertainment unit
4. Use his own brand of Kung Fu set to wakkajawakka music
3. Lace the STAR TREK collector plates with cyanide
2. Borrow the big yellow thing from Olsen
1. Make him drink a mouthful of beer that's been swirlled around in Mitchell's mouth
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A LOUSY SANTA CLAUS
5. Covered in scotch and soda rather than ashes and soot
4. Checked list twice, realized Burger King owes him another whopper
3. Salvation Army bell substituted with boombox and BTO tapes
2. John Saxon and Merlin Olsen dressed as Santa's helpers actually frighten children
1. No kids sitting on his knee, his breath could gag a maggot
TOP 5 REASONS WHY MITCHELL WOULD BE A GREAT SCOUT LEADER
5. Knows that moss grows on the north side of his compass
4. Can put sleeper hold on park ranger trying to confiscate his beer
3. "Don't feed the bears? Not with my Ho-ho's!"
2. Teaches kids how to properly shoot Johnny Mathis in the woods
1. In a pinch, a pork rind makes great kindling
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD BE A GREAT OPENING ACT FOR RUSH
5. Backup band features John Saxon on stun guitar
4. Haunting tribute to Black Oak Arkansas
3. Backstage, he makes a wicked batch of ceasars
2. Two words: Dragon boots
1. Would you prefer Suicidal Tendencies?
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A GREAT ADDITION TO THE SEINFELD CAST
5. Makes George look kind of good
4. More evil than Neuman
3. Sex scene with Elaine worth a few laughs
2. Whenever entering Jerry's apartment, draws gun and scares him half to death
1. He *is* the master of his domain
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A GREAT NHL COACH
5. Can chew gum
4. Can't speak french but can mimic a french accent
3. Fresh new strategy: For every win, the pork rinds are on Joe Don!
2. Will arange for team to beat the crap out of Gretzky before game
1. He's an old drinking buddy of Don Cherry
TOP 5 THINGS JOE DON BAKER LOVES ABOUT CANADA
5. Sour cream sold in bigger, metric size tubs
4. No Yanni music to be found anywhere
3. Back bacon and beer? Mitchell heaven!
2. Figures he'll eventually spill his drink on Pamela Anderson up there some day
1. All those Canucks look like John Saxon
TOP 5 PUBLICITY STUNTS TO GET PEOPLE TO GO TO "MITCHELLWORLD!"
5. Bring in 500 Schlitz UPCs, get a 5% discount
4. Molly Hatchet live in the grandstand all summer long
3. Kids become "Mitchellteers" for the day
2. Give Joe Don Baker a backrub for only four coupons
1. John Saxon's tilt-a-whirl (waiver must be signed)
TOP 5 PROMOTIONAL GIMMICKS TO GET PEOPLE TO GO SEE MITCHELL II
5. MITCHELL action figure, with it's own smells, on sale in lobby
4. "See MITCHELL, it's better than watching three WALKING TALL movies back-to-back"
3. Eat own weight in sour-cream, get in free!
2. Orange peels handed out first one hundred movie-goers
1. John Saxon will work concession stand
TOP 5 REASONS JOE DON BAKER WOULD MAKE A LOUSY STARFLEET CAPTAIN
5. Body mass puts tremendous strain on dilythium crystal consumption
4. Hailing frequencies replaced with Molly Hatchet record
3. His phaser's jammed with potato salad
2. Holodeck renovated into a new bowling alley
1. "Forget the prime directive, just point me to a Denny's!"
LINDA EVANS FIVE PET PEAVES ABOUT JOE DON BAKER
5. Thinks wearing a gallon of Brüt will mask BO
4. Breath reeks of beer, smoke and juicyfruit
3. Spits when he talks
2. During sex scene, continually whispers "Are you through yet?"
1. He's a mouth breather, that one!
TOP FIVE REASONS "MITCHELL:THE TV SERIES" NEVER AIRED
5. Jenny Craig pulled sponsorship
4. Original MITCHELL production crew now employed by Oprah
3. Joe Don Baker's role reduced to cameo as "a big yellow thing"
2. Louie Anderson as Mitchell? I don't think so!
1. John Saxon wasn't available
TOP TEN SIGNS MITCHELL IS LOOSING IT
10. Continually asks police sargent to act more like Jack Lord
9. Two words: stilletto heels
8. Often thinks aloud, "I wonder what that old broad from MURDER SHE WROTE would do?"
7. Stakeouts reduced to tacking polaroid of self to suspect's door
6. Shoots Johnny Mathis himself
5. Busts Linda Evans for marrying Yanni
4. Sets his pants on fire while shouting, "Anyone for popcorn?"
3. Greets John Saxon with a peck on the cheek
2. Constantly asks viewing audience, "Who loves you babe?"
1. Refers to his penis as "little Mitchell"
TOP TEN LINES JOE DON BAKER HASN'T SAID IN ANY OF HIS MOVIES
10. No thanks, I don't drink
9. You wanna buy a monkey?
8. Screw me if I'm wrong but is your name Cora?
7. Gee, these spandex bike-shorts fit great!
6. No, I'm not Tom Cruise
5. Officer, there's a naked lady in my pool and she's NUDE!
4. Snausages
3. Linda, we're going dancing tonight!
2. I couldn't eat another bite!
1. YOU WANT THE TRUTH?? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!
TOP TEN REASONS MITCHELL THE BOOK WAS BETTER THAN MITCHELL THE MOVIE
10. Johnny Mathis shooting scene softened out of respect for Johnny Mathis fans
9. Extensive glossary defines vague Mitchellisms for the first-time reader
8. Includes a fun "Where's Mitchell?" section for the kids
7. Cooking tips from Merlin Olsen
6. Views into Mitchell's personal life limited to one or two sentences at a time
5. Readers aren't subjected to Linda Evans' and Joe Don Baker's beery sex scene
4. Adam Rich vomits into Mitchell's car
3. Special bonus chapter reveals exactly what John Saxon got for Christmas
2. Humourous "flip-it" cartoon of anvils dropping on Mitchell
1. No Hoyt Axton songs!
JOE DON BAKER'S TOP TEN FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOURS
10. Mocha almond gravy
9. Blackberry-taco
8. Fish-belly white vanilla
7. Garbanzo ripple
6. Pineapple-cheese
5. Xanthum-bubblegum
4. John Saxon frozen yogart
3. John Saxon's unfinished yogart
2. Cookie dough and ash
1. Fudge sludge