SCI-FI CENSORSHIP Mike: OK, all right. We've brought along a little something. We've never delved into this before. Over the years, we've never actually been challenged by the network for the things we've said on the air, but when we hit the Sci-Fi channel, they actually have a department that deals with that stuff. So we thought we'd bring along some of the things that the Sci-Fi channel has asked us to change over the years. Kevin: These are official memos. Mike: These are official memos from the network, and we're just gonna share with you what we're up against here. Kevin: In reference to the "Devil Doll" episode, 818: "August 27th. I hope I'm not too late with these notes. They are all standards issues. Host segment AH22(?): In Bobo's line to lions, please change 'weak ass' and 'whoop ass'. In the movie script, please change 'you're all gonna see my ass'". They have an issue with the word "ass" when used in its proper context. "25:40 in the script, please change 'eat me'", with the emphasis on "me", "25:52, please change 'his penis'. 26:33, please change 'his other penis'". They put these in memo form and the send them out to us. Mike: This one has a serious, serious tone to it, they're sort of being scolding on this one: "Servo 16:21, 'Man that guy's got pit stains on his underwear'. I didn't see any underwear, not even an undershirt visible. If you want to suggest that he probably does, it needs to be clearer". Then he goes on to talk about the underwear shot for a long time. "Mike 12:07, 'Tampons or Irish Spring'. Neither of us liked the tampon reference. Crow 27:53, What is Sustical? The word is not even in my dictionary. Boobels? Reference to breasts? This is fine, just curious as to what they are." . . . Mike: But a little lesson on the word "suck" from Calvin at the channel. "You can not use the word 'suck' in this way. You could rephrase it 'Every man aboard thinks you suck', and it would be OK. So, next time you use that, please..." Kevin: I think it must have been "You suck every man aboard" or something. I'm not quite... [Audience groans] Kevin: What? Come on! What? Kevin: [picks up another memo] Oh, this is one of my favorites here, from Calvin at the network. They can't use this line: Crow at 6 minutes 30 seconds in the script. The line from the movie is "I'm not who you think I am", Crow's line was "I'm hung like a King Penguin". [Audience laughs] Kevin: "The phrase 'hung like a' is too much, per our standards". So if they had their way, we would have changed the line to "I'm a King Penguin". Which doesn't have the same impact, does it? Let me try this out on you. [Kevin picks a woman in the front row to deliver the lines to] Kevin: For example: I'm a King Penguin. There's no reaction whatsoever. [lascivious voice] I'm hung like a King Penguin! [audience cracks up] Kevin: Now we get a reaction! That's one of my particular favorites there. End. . . . Kevin: That's too bad. [begins reading memo] Memo to everybody at MST3K, concerning our most recent episode, or one of our most recent episodes, "The Blood Waters of Dr. Z", we can not use the term "what's with the net, you dick?" It says 'dick as used here is not acceptable'. So that does give us some license there. And we had to change "titty twister". I think it's because we had it "Oh, that was a bad titty twister, I think I'm bleeding". [laughs and groans] Kevin: This is going back a little while, and this is another one of my favorites right here, and some of these standards have changed as you'll see, as it says "per standards, 'lick me' is not acceptable". Well, we finally pushed through "lick me" and we are free to say "lick me" on our show, and I think... [audience cheers] Kevin: I think that's a relevant...[can't make out a couple words under the cheering]. However, I think I probably agree with most of the rest of these. "9:42, the pre-teen fondler and coke-vacuum Kelsey Grammer references are not acceptable as per standards." Audience: Awwww Kevin: "And the comment 'go light on the anal probes' is less than good taste, and too on the nose". I don't know what that means. And here's just an example of what happens when you work in southern California, is that you forget that the rest of the world exists. We had the line "you smell like canned tamales". I think that's pretty good, especially in the proper context: Mike was all dirty and greasy and he sometimes does smell like canned tamales. And it says, here's the comment we got: "Except for the mid-west, most of the farmers that people think of are Hispanic, therefore, this could be a derogatory statement towards them". Audience: What?!? Kevin: Now is this true? Do everybody think...when they think farmers = Hispanic? Audience: No. Kevin: You see, when you're from southern California, you immediately think that everybody who drives a truck or picks a cabbage is a farm worker and in here illegally, because of...well, that's just a little anger that boils over the top. [grabs another memo to break the awkward feeling that has built up] Oh, we read that one already. [picks a different one] Oh, this is another one of my favorites. At the bottom of the page: "'Mike covers his mouth to stifle a spray of vomit'. Please act this, but we do not want to see the spray of vomit coming out of Mike's mouth". That's one of my favorites. And this is one you'll see coming up in...you know, this was in "Devil Fish". Did you guys see "Devil Fish"? Audience: Yeah! Kevin: There was one shot where the guy was going down the stairs? You could see one of his...well, I'll just read the comment: "Page 12 - the testicle shot is staying in, but you need to use a solid black dot to cover it completely the entire time". We didn't do that. We just sent it in as-is, and I believe the network put a little black dot over the... He actually did hang one out. . . . Mike: They're also...they're getting the first run of the script, which is done...usually the lines assigned by Paul include a lot of filth. We get these notes back, and we didn't even know we'd sent these in. He says "What? What's wrong with that?" Kevin: A sweet, wonderful man, you know, went to the Humphry institute for public policy, an earnest liberal, and yet he has some of the filthiest, most racist humor I've ever heard. He bashes Italians constantly. I don't know what it is. If you're born German, you're just naturally inclined to, uh... Mike: No, we're making it up. Paul's a sweet guy. But he does...he likes his filth.