MST3K Quotes by Episode (Archived from http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Chamber/4575/ on 5/25/01) K01 Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars K02 Invaders from the Deep K03 Starforce K04 Gamera vs. Barugon K05 Gamera K06 Gamera vs. Gaos K07 Gamera vs. Zigra "I laughed... I cried... I cried *a lot*!..." -Tom Servo. K08 Gamera vs. Guiron "All of the adults in this movie have their own sticks!" -**. "I have no depth perception; it seems like a normal sized turtle to me..."-Tom Servo. "People from the future are so smug." -**. "Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat."-Tom Servo. K09 Phase IV K10 Cosmic Princess "Could you beat on my chest, please?" -Tom Servo (as Alan). "Don't you *get* it??" -Tom Servo. et al. "Hey, Servo, tell me again about those mango-juice-rubbing babes..." -Crow. "In the land of Dairy Queen..." -All. "Is that what they use in Mister Misty's?! That's extremely icky, Joel!" -Tom Servo. "I think he found the titanium -- or, the titanium found him." -Joel. "I think he's made of chili now." -Tom Servo. "Nice jammies." -Crow. "Oh, golly!" -Tom Servo. et al. "Sooorrry, Mr. French..." -Tom Servo. "There's one ball of titanium that's not to be trifled with." -Joel. "They can't be very intelligent -- look what they're flying!" -Crow. "Titanium -- it's the feel-good mineral of 1999." -Joel. "Well, we don't have very much money for the other ship; let's use a -- PEPSI BOTTLE!" -Tom Servo. "We're starting to do _Cosby_ on _Mystery_Science_..." -Tom Servo. "What color is the sky in your world, Joel?" -Crow. "You know, your records just don't sound the same once they've been through a space-warp." -Crow. "You're lucky my chick's here..." -Crow. et al. "Yummy noise!" -Dr. Forrester. Pizza 'N' Pasta commercial, seen during break. K11 Humanoid Woman "Because in space, no one can smell your breath." -Crow. "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee..." -Tom Servo. and #103(MM) "She's very attractive when she weeps. Like death warmed over." -Tom Servo. "That turtle should be showing up any time now, shouldn't it?" -Tom Servo. "The plot thickens -- like rancid pea soup..." -Tom Servo. "They're Corn Czechs!" -Tom Servo. "What about gel?... Can we take gel?..." -Joel (as Edek). K12 Futive Alien K13 SST: Death Flight "Don't you *get* it?? The name of this movie is _Death Flight_!!" -Tom Servo. "Do you have anything for a queasy stomach?" "Yes -- this film." -**. "Hey, you. Come over here and spill some of this in a dangerous place." -Tom Servo (as **). "If it takes a plane crash to bring people together, I think it's worth it." -**. "Oh, and you can smoke too." -Tom Servo (as Capt. Mike Brady). "Oh, wowww..." -Joel. et al. "Protect the legend... the LEGEND!!" "Okay... He was Bigfoot." -Burgess Meredith/** (as **). K14 Mighty Jack K15 Superdome K16 City on Fire K17 Time of the Apes "I have never seen anyone so nonchalant about a flying saucer." -Tom Servo. K18 The Million Eyes of Su-Muru "Excuse me while I kiss this guy." -Joel. "He really reacted to 'Rome'." -Joel. "Joel, I'm not going to be able to watch the rest of the movie. I have to make brownies for the Pinewood Derby." -Tom Servo. "She's got a swing on her back porch." -Crow. "Well, it's certainly a B film." "More like a T-and-A film." -Crow/Tom Servo. K19 Hanger 18 "We... could hurt them badly...? Maybe kill 'em?" -Tom Servo (as CIA Chief). "Well... Should we go after the head or the body?" -**. "We're up a specific creek..." -Tom Servo (as **). K20 The Last Chance "I just never imagined the future being lit so poorly." -Joel. "Would he get a DWI for that?" "Posthumously." -Joel/Tom Servo. K21 Legend of the Dinosaurs "Huzzah!" -**. "It's *supposed* to hurt! It's *science*!" -Dr. Forrester. "Oh -- Canada. That explains why it SUCKED!!" -Crow. SEASON 1 101 The Crawling Eye "'Anchovies'... He said 'anchovies'." -**. "Damn... I'm just too fat to be climbing a mountain." -**. "'Dear Diary: Once again the fat guy got the bed...'" -**. "His head! It was torn off!!" "You say that like it was a *bad* thing." -**/Tom Servo. "Let's get the dog drunk next!" -Crow. "Let's start with a simple test. Can you tell where I'm looking right now?" -**. "Pizza." -Door Number Three. #101-#512 "She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence." -**. "Someone with a really big butt sat there." -Tom Servo. "THANK YOU!" -Drs. Erhardt and Forrester et al. "Two men in a hut and..." "And??" "...The fat one takes the bed!" -**. 102 Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (Commando Cody-1) "Every mad scientist has one of these speeches." -Crow. "Good thing scientists are such good fighters." -**. "Isn't *any* amount of atomic activity on the moon unusual?" -Tom Servo. "I thought the robot with the human head was really offensive." -**. "Love me and my deformed friend!... Oh, and the guy in the car." -** (as The Bat). "My shorts are never boring." "Thank you, Tom." -Tom Servo/Joel. "No, Edward! Don't do it!" "DO IT, EDWARD, DO IT!!" -Flora/All. "Oh I'd hate to shoot a butt like that!" -Tom Servo et al. "Oh -- I thought that was a smoke detector!" -Tom Servo (as Cody). "Okay -- It forms three creamy layers -- No, wait, three layers: a creamy layer, a gelatinous layer, and... dammit, I *must* find that formula!" -Tom Servo (as The Bat). "This has got to be one of the most boring rides at Disneyland." -**. "Who's bad?" "Tom Servo!" "*Who's bad*?" "Tom Servo!!" -Tom Servo/All. "WINDOW!!... WINDOW!!..." -All. "You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth... Okay, mixed with a little fiction... Alright, I'm lying my butt off..." -Tom Servo (as Edward). 103 Mad Monster (Commando Cody-2) "Dale van Sickel! He never made a bad film!" -Crow et al. "Earth chair! Earth chair!" -Crow. "Gardening always takes a back seat to science." -Tom Servo. "Hey, when I said you could borrow some of my stuff, I didn't mean my torso!" -Crow. "I didn't know they had plywood on the moon." -Crow. "It's injection time!!!" -Tom Servo. "Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!" -Tom Servo. "Nice caboose on that girl... What am I saying?!? That's my daughter!! ... I *am* mad!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Cameron). "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee..." -Tom Servo. "That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Cameron). "That's the most casually dressed monster I've ever seen." -Joel. "Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?" -Tom Servo. "You seem to be excellently equipped." "Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers." -Prof. Fitzgerald/Tom Servo (as Dr. Cameron). 104 Women of the Prehistoric Planet "Correction: You have an hour and 37 minutes to disarm. And, yes, you *are* up a creek." -The Isaac Asimov Death Satellite. "Do you have to bring everything you find in space into the living room?" -Crow. "Finish it! Finish it!" -Joel et al. "He asked me! He asked me!" -Crow (as Dr. Faroe) et al. "He'll be riding in the trunk on the way back to Earth." -Crow. "Hi-Keeba!" -Engineer Bradley. "Hope you didn't get any of that tattooed anyplace important." -Joel. "I can see my house from here!" -Joel (as Linda) et al. "I'm not just for breakfast anymore." -Tom Servo (as Tang). "I'm so concerned I felt compelled to touch you." -Joel (as Admiral King). "Is it primordial soup yet?" -Joel. "It's all hot and it hurts and stuff!" -Tom Servo (as Linda) et al. "Love me!" -Joel (as Lieutenant Anderson) et al. "Oh, and that playground ball's a threat, too." -Tom Servo. "See no evil... Well, maybe just a little. Yeah!..." -Joel (as Kiko the Monkey). "She'll be perfect for my experiments..." -Joel (as Tang) et al. "Tang's gonna go take a powder... Wait a minute -- Tang *is* a powder!" -Crow. "Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours! Their use of stock footage is amazing!" -Joel. "They're like Klingons without the Kling." -Joel. "What wire would Camus cut?..." -Joel. "Where's your spirit of adventure?" "Uh, that's in my other pants." -"Chief"/Tom Servo (as Engineer Bradley). "Wrong, but thanks for playing." -Crow (as Commander Scott) et al. "You're new here, aren't you, Elvis..." -Crow (as Dr. Faroe). "Your mother was aboard Cosmos 3!" "Yeah, well *your* mother swims out to troop ships!" -Linda/Tom Servo (as Tang). "You think they're gonna be comic relief? I just have a feeling." -Joel. 105 The Corpse Vanishes (Commando Cody-3) "A horticulturalist told me you're the original hybridizer." "Nobody calls me that and lives!" -Pat/Tom Servo (as Dr. Lorenz). "And his hair was *perfect*!" -All. et al. "Come on, you guys. It's not a real wedding. Don't cry." "We know. It's the *script* that's upsetting us!" -Joel/Crow. "He's been injecting her with young and pretty, now he should start injecting her with smart and nice." -Tom Servo. "Joel, I sense there's a loooong basement scene coming up..." -Crow. "Joel, why can't *you* wear nice things like that?" -Crow. "Looks like a train, but -- he'll need proof." -Joel. "May I take your skirt?" -Tom Servo (as Toby). "NICE TAG!" -All et al. "Nipple nipple tweak tweak FLY!!..." -Tom Servo (as Commando Cody). et al. "No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and *then* hold a candle to him." -Crow. "Oh, great, Tony, you shot a midget. Hope you sleep well tonight." -Joel (as a Cop). "Our minds play strange tricks on us sometimes." "Yeah, like that weiner- between-the-fingers trick!" -Dr. Lorenz/Joel. "Seemed like a nice enough fellow... AT FIRST!..." -Crow/Tom Servo. et al. "Spacemen just don't look at home in a breakfast nook." -Crow. "Toby will show you to your rooms. You'll be sleeping with the monkey- boy tonight." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Lorenz). 106 The Crawling Hand "Dames like her always keep beer around." -Paramedic. "'Dear Skipper: Why haven't you sent help? Signed, The Castaways.'" -Crow. "Every time I get a boyfriend, he crushes my windpipe!" -Joel (as Marta). "I wonder if there's an abridged version of this movie." -Tom Servo. "Next time I make a robot, no more free will." -Joel. "No self-respecting scientist would have his shirt unbuttoned that far." -Tom Servo. "No zombies. Not allowed." -Tom Servo (as Restaurant Owner). "Tell him I'm smoking." -Tom Servo (as Steve Curran). "This corn relish is radioactive!" -Joel (as Steve Curran). "What does it mean I am 'stacked'?" "Uh, 'stacked' means you're really smart." -Marta/Crow (as Paul). "Wow -- look! She really *is* smart!" -Tom Servo. 107 Robot Monster (Commando Cody-4&5) "All riiight! Beautiful maidens in the hands of hideous beasts. This is my kind of movie!" -Joel. "Better keep digging graves. This isn't going too well." -Joel (as George). "Come in, 'Same-Guy'..." -Joel (as Ro-Man). "Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you." -Joel (as Ro-Man). "Hey -- Mom? Tell us about Hell again." -Tom Servo (as Johnny). "I don't get it. Is it cool to make no sense, Joel? Is it hip to be vague?" -Crow. "I think we've all 'reported to the moon' at one time or another." -Tom Servo. "I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this film." -Joel. "Kids, don't ever sit on an archaeologist's lap." -Tom Servo. "That guy's uglier than a mud fence. He could make a train take a dirt road." -Tom Servo. "Upon further review, the refs find that Cody is dead. The play stands -- Cody is dead." -Tom Servo. "Wasn't there something in the rule book about 'equal and opposite reactions', Joel?" -Tom Servo. "What did you do today? Well, we watched a stupid movie..." -Crow. "What kind of universe is this where they alter your clothes while you sleep??" -Joel. "You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave." -Joel. 108 Slime People (Commando Cody-6) "A marine who says 'Gee whiz'??..." -Joel. "Boy, I bet that'd be scary if we could make out what it was." -Crow. "Crooks are always dropping obvious clues like that. It's really a desperate cry for help." -Joel. "Don't point that goat at me, it might go off!" -Tom Servo (as Cal). "*Fear* killed Tolliver." "I thought it was those big guys in the costumes." -Tom Gregory/Tom Servo. "Hey, it's not like it's the end of the world or anything." "But -- it *is*!" "...D'OH!!" Tom Servo/Joel/All. "Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now; please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb." -Crow. "If you drag out our rotting, broken carcasses, it means it didn't really work out very well." -Tom Servo (as Prof. Galbraith). "It's not much, but I call it Hell." -Tom Servo (as Prof. Galbraith). "I've got a thing about women on stepladders." -Joel. "Joel, I think we're in for a long, hard ride." -Crow. "Krakatoa: East of Java." "Fentonville: East of Muncie." -Tom Servo/Crow. "Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see... 'zero'." -Tom Servo (as Tom Gregory). "Now, we've always known that there are fish in the ocean--" "--Oh, that's a little farfetched!" -Prof. Galbraith/Joel (as Tom Gregory). "Objection! The use of the term 'nipple' is imprecise, incorrect, and misleading -- though, I admit, mildly provocative..." -Tom Servo. "Steve, have you ever really looked at a squirrel? I mean *really*, up close." -Joel (as a Thug). "The Cessna Skyhawk *is* usually your best choice for bombardiering missions..." -Tom Servo. "There's nothing like being in a gunfight with 600 pounds of high-test nitro rocket fuel on your back..." -Joel. "Well, Cal, you've been really worthless -- a coward and a tower of jello. Thanks for your help!" -Tom Servo (as Prof. Galbraith). "We've been dealing with genetic mutations since you were in short- pants!" -Dr. Forrester. "Why'd a goofy old apocalypse hafta happen right when my acne was starting to clear up?" -Joel (as Lisa). "Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat... at night... in a fog..." -Tom Servo. "You know, as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to *think* about Slime People." "--Although it's hard, looking at a mug like yours." -Cal/Crow (as Cal). 109 Project Moonbase (Commando Cody-7&8) "Boy! Walking on the walls must be a big problem!" -Joel. "By this time my lungs were aching for air." -Crow et al. "Don't talk to me, I'm a high-fashion model from the future." -Tom Servo. "I can't believe we're trying to annihilate you -- This is *delicious*!" -Crow (as a Moon Man). "I love the smell of SPACOM in the morning. Smells like... chicory??" -Tom Servo. "Now that we have a space station,--" "--or FRISBEE--" "--it is at last possible to send a ship--" "--or BATTERIES--" "all the way around the moon." "--or PLAYGROUND BALL." -General Greene/All. "She wouldn't have me on a silver platter." "How about on an air mattress slathered with butter?" -Major Moore/Tom Servo. "That's the tee-shirt her mom got married in." -Joel. "There's a bonus if you get killed." -Joel (as Mr. Roundtree). 110 Robot Holocaust "*Always* get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power." -**. "Hey, watch who you call 'impervious', lady!" -**. "If I were skeptical, I'd say that was Central Park." -Joel. "In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts." -**. "Joel, if we ever get to be like these 'bots -- please shut us down?" -**. "Thank you , Shoeshine Boy, you're humble and skeletal." -**. "That blast to the face kinda helped her diction!" -**. "Underoos are fun to wear..." -**. "Well, her corns are gone..." -**. "Whoa... Better bring a calculator!" -Crow. "Yeah, I guess it's a wasteland... except for that *city* behind you!!" -**. "Your father was a great man -- and an even better side dish." -**. 111 Moon Zero Two "Antigravity! It's not just for breakfast anymore!" -Joel. "Hi. I'm intrinsically evil, and I've got a new jogging suit I'm showing off." -Joel (as J.J. Hubbard). "If I'm going to stay down here and thump Number Three again--" "--I'll need a magazine!" -Kemp/Crow (as Kemp). "If we don't die, you want to catch a movie or something? I mean, if you're not alive I'll totally understand, it won't hurt my feelings or anything..." -Joel (as Kemp). "I know a Weiner Man..." -Crow et al. "I'm here for the Gumby wedding." -Crow (as Taplin). "Works every time..." -Joel (as Kemp) et al. 112 Untamed Youth "Ask me about my extra chromosome!" -Joel (as the goofy Dancing Fool). "Gregory Peck -- this week on Solid Gold!" -Tom Servo. "Happy Birthdaaaay!..." -Tom Servo. "He had on a suntan uniform." "You mean, he was naked?" -Penny/Crow (as Bob). "I'd like to see you again, lots of times. And then stop abruptly, breaking your heart like a toy." -Joel (as Bob). "I forgot -- you're on the 'other side'." "What other side?" "Sauron's dark army." -Janey/Bob/Crow (as Janey). "I'm cookin' with Crisco now!..." -Tom Servo. "I'm not interested in what's fair. I'm only interested in things that make my head look bigger." -Joel (as Mr. Tropp). "Last time *you* helped on a project, we had to jetison a whole pan of burning rock candy into outer space!" -Tom Servo. "Oh, we sold her into slavery for some magic beans. Why?" -Joel (as Penny). "So... I understand you two are untamed?..." -Joel (as Sheriff). "TELL HIM, GREG!!" -All. "Thanks, Bob. You're real gone." "Thanks. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure I'm right here." -Janey/Crow (as Bob). "This is like Up With People in prison." -Tom Servo. "This is probably the longest minute in film history." -Joel. "This is really gonna make the reunion show hard. Greg's back from Sweden and he looks way different." -Tom Servo. "You know, the acoustics in that cotton field are fantastic." -Joel. 113 Black Scorpion "Hey! How'd he know his name was 'Fella'?" -Crow. "It's obsidian!" "Oh, I don't think it's *that* bad..." -Dr. Scott/Crow. "Now, if you look out the left side of the train, you'll see -- the right side of the train." -Crow. "The horse must have eaten her!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Scott). "Well. This isn't good, not at all. I mean, I've seen good before, and it didn't look anything like this." -Joel. SEASON 2 201 Rocketship X-M "A fellow can get used to anything, I suppose." "Yeah. I once ate a woodchuck!" -Tex/Crow. "--and a good friend..." -Head of NASA. "And there, on the handle, was a HOOK!" -Joel (as Hugh O'Brien). "Ever tasted human flesh?" -Crow (as Lloyd). "Funny or not funny floating?" -Joel. "He's a Woozle. His name is Peanut." -Tom Servo. et al. "How do we stand on fuel?" "I'm for it." -Lisa/Crow. "I just ate my own vomit!" -Joel (as Dirk Squarejaw). "I killed it and I'm glad." -Crow (as head of NASA). "I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!!!" -TV's Frank. "I think everyone ought to come in and have a hot cup of cocoa and come inside and be nice and snuggly." -Crow (as Dr. Herly). "It's an entire race of mimes! We've got to get back and warn Earth!" -Joel (as Hugh O'Brien). "I've heard that said about Texans, too." -Tex/Crow. "Let's go kill something we don't understand." -Crow (as Hugh O'Brien). "Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough." -Crow. "Oh, shut up! Ever since we left, all it's been out of you is 'Texas this' and 'Texas that'... Well, listen, bub, I've been to Texas, and it's not all that great!" -Crow (as Lloyd). "Quick, somebody get her a sandwich." -Crow. "Stand by to jettison tail section..." "Oh, wowwww..." -Hugh O'Brien/ Joel. "Thank you for being gutless." -Crow (as head of NASA). "The boys in the press corps have nicknamed him 'The Golem'." -Crow. "The reason Miss van Horn is making this trip is because of her pioneering research with monatomic hydrogen." "And, she's cute as a button." -Hugh O'Brien/Crow. "Uh oh, looks like the Splunky's about to his the fan..." -Tom Servo. "Uh, the press is a bunch of wussies. Are you alone in there?" -Joel (as Hugh O'Brien). "We like it here! Now we're even closer to the atomic pile! And someday..." -Dr. Forrester. "Well, the good news is that we won't make a big explosion when we hit the earth..." -Tom Servo (as Lisa). "You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of his boring speeches!" -Crow. "You do the voice, I'll move the jaw." -Crow (as Lloyd). et al. "You know the consequences of a body moving with unchecked velocity in free space!!" "... Uh... We're our own grandparents?" -Hugh O'Brien/ Crow (as Lloyd). 202 The Sidehackers "Chili peppers burn my gut." -Rommel. "Even these oil fields seem to remind me of her... Can't quite put my finger on it..." -Joel (as Rommel). "Filmed in Longtorso-Vision." -Tom Servo. "For you folks at home, this might be a good time to go get a sandwich." -Joel. "He hit Big Jake!" -Big Jake. "He really sucked the air out of that room, didn't he." -Crow. "How's your buddy?" "Kinda personal, isn't it?" -Paisley/Crow. "It's an exciting day indeed here at Japanese War Atrocity Park..." -Crow. "I've got to take the fridge to the airport. You need anything?" -Crow (as Rommel). "I *will* kill him!!" -Tom Servo. "Looks like that jelly donut got away from him." -Crow. "Meanwhile, in another movie..." -Tom Servo. "No, but I once saw a bear drinking a soda." -Tom Servo. "Oh! You magnificent son-of-a-bitch, I read your book!" -Crow (as Paisley). "PEEP." -Crow and Tom Servo. "That's right, we're evil, EVIL!!!" -TV's Frank. "That was number five!" -the Hillbilly Thug. "THIRD BASE!!" -All et al. "This is kind of looking like 'Thirtysomething' -- except for those dirty pictures in the background." Joel/Crow. "Uh, that's 'Gooch', sir..." -Tom Servo (as Gooch). "We used to come here and club seals together." -Crow (as Rommel). "You ever seen me look so happy?" "Yeah, but you didn't know I was watching you." -Luke/Joel (as Rommel). "You should never drink 10W-30 in the summer." -Crow. 203 Jungle Goddess (Phantom Creeps-1) "Because I kill indiscriminately?" -** (as Bob). "Ever get pieces of flesh caught in your teeth? I *hate* that!" -**. "Get me! Sentenced to death and I'm *still* making time!" -** (as Bob). "I could sure go for a charbroiled hamburger sammich and some french fried potatoes!" -the White Goddess. "I'll give you five minutes." "For what?" "To start running!" -**. "I wanted to play hopscotch with the impenentrable mystery of existence, but he stepped in a wormhole and had to go in early." -Crow. "Oh, Bob's alright. A little trigger-happy, perhaps..." -**. "Put that lampshade on your head, tie femur bones around your waist, and dance naked in the moonlight!" -**. "Should I get out the anatomically correct doll?" -** (as White Goddess). "So, every time I eat a burger, an acre of this stuff disappears? I don't understand..." -**. "Thanks for the exposition." -**. "White goddess having trouble?" "White fascist getting smart?" -Bob/** (as White Goddess). 204 Catalina Caper "Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world..." -Crow. "He's between a rock and a hard place!" -**. "Hmmm, look at this. 'White People Voted the Best People in the World'!" -Tom Servo. "I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional." "Ewww! Here on the beach??" -Mr. Duvall/Tom Servo. "Is he a time-traveler?" -Tom Servo. "Meanwhile, in the dark, impenetrable void, Jean-Paul Sartre was a-movin' and a-groovin'..." -Crow. "Monkey love pile on me!" -Joel (as Charlie). "'No, Joel, *you* can't go to Woodstock, *you're* only nine years old...'" -Joel. "Oh, yeah, feel real good about kicking a fish's butt. That's real nice." -Joel. "Saaaay... These Klan meetings have really lightened up!" -Tom Servo. "Should I go put a horse's head in my bed again?" -Crow (as Borman). "The best beach party ever was the one at Normandy!" -TV's Frank. "This is the kind of padding I *like* to see in a film!" -Crow. "We don't want you to pray *for* us, we want you to pray *to* us!" -Dr. Forrester. 205 Rocket Attack USA (Phantom Creeps-2) "Could you please state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death?" -Joel. "Could you say that a little more woodenly?" -**. "For a robot, he's got a really flat butt." -**. "'Get bent!!' Is that official enough for you?!" -**. "Give him this. It's raw pork. He'll know what it means." -**. "Help me." -Blind Guy. "I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying." -**. "It's the feel-good film of the cold war era!" -TV's Frank. "Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a screeching halt..." -Tom Servo. "'Stunned'?! He took six bullets!!" -**. "Suddenly *I'm* the jerk!" -**. "Walk invisibly and carry a big stick." -**. "We've whipped the problem of skin friction on the warhead..." "Uh, are we talking about the same thing here, buddy?" -**. "We want to challenge your robots to a game of hockey." -**. 206 Ring of Terror (Phantom Creeps-3) "Bacchus, King of Wine!" "Bud, King of Beer!" -The annoying guy/Crow. "Now, where were we. Ah, yes, I believe I had my tongue down your throat." -Crow (as Lewis B. Moffitt). "Please slip corpses under the door after ten." -Crow. "Puma? Puma!" -R.J. Dobson. "The aorta makes an excellent sock puppet, and from here on will be represented by the tympani." -Crow (as Dr. Raeburn). "This man must have led a very full and active life..." "'Cause he's got a squirrel in his stomach!" -Dr. Raeburn/Crow (as Dr. Raeburn). "What about the plot, Joel? Am I the only one who cares?" -Tom Servo. 207 The Wild Rebels "Citrusville, City of Progress! Where everyone is juiced!" -Crow. "Do not induce vomiting." "The movie will do that for you." -Tom Servo/Crow. "Guys, it doesn't get any stupider than this." -Crow. "I'm huge!" -Joel (as Detective) et al. "I'm in it for the kicks!" -Gypsy. "It's Spiro Agnew and Spiro Agnew in 'The Parent Trap'!" -Joel. "Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse." -Tom Servo. "Remind me to hit you later." -Crow (as Bartender). "That square bugs me... he REALLY BUGS ME!!..." -Banjo. "There's just something about that guy that screams 'I'm not really a cop'." -Crow. "This movie was like spending the weekend with your dentist." -Crow. "Whoa! That's a lot of slang for one sentence." -Tom Servo. "You and your friends are the only creeps in this place." -Banjo. "You didn't learn a thing last night, did you." "Well, I *did*, but I don't think we can use it to rob a bank..." -Linda/Joel (as Rod). 208 The Lost Continent "A whole new day of rock climbing!" -Crow. "Brain the size of a walnut..." "The dinosaur?" "No -- the director!" -Crow/Joel/Crow. "Could you be a little more vague?" -Tom Servo. "--football practice!!" -Crow (as Cesar Romero) et al. "Hitler -- what a jerk!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Rostov). "I'd never wanted to die in a plane, but now I'm very excited about it." -Crow (as Lt. Wilson). "Jeez, this sketch is getting preachy." -Crow. "Let's take a 15-minute break." "But, ah, keep the camera rolling!" - Cesar Romero/Tom Servo (as Cesar Romero). "My spirit is snoring!" -Tom Servo. "Oh, I'll alert the media..." -Tom Servo (as Cesar Romero) et al. "Oh. We're in Hell. Neat." -Joel. "Please, Dad -- don't kill us and take us to the afterworld and stuff!" -Crow. "Remind me to kill you later." -Tom Servo (as Hugh Beaumont). "Rock climbing, Joel..." -Tom Servo. "WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE WE?! COULD WE PLEASE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING PLEASE?!" -Joel. "You look at it; I'm bitter." -** et al. 209 The Hell Cats "Congratulations. You are now officially white trash." -Crow. "Don Fido is mad." -Tom Servo (as Mr. Adrian). "Heeney hiney horny..." -Hiney. "Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead!" -Crow. "Hiney cubed it again..." -Betty. "I bet if these guys filmed _Citizen Kane_ it would have had a twenty- minute sled sequence in it!" -Tom Servo. "I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a corn spy!" -Joel (as Bartender). "Joel, we *are* heavy machinery." -Tom Servo. "Steve's dead now. From here on, Steve's death will be represented by the oboe." -Tom Servo. "That had better be beer!" -Crow. "We're born, and then we die, and there's lots of padding in between." -Joel. 210 King Dinosaur (X Marks the Spot) "Boy! God sure has a crummy office!" -Tom Servo. "Even the musicians are mocking this film." -Crow. "If you're looking for plausibility, you won't find it here." -Joel. "I'll be with you in a moment, I'm just sealing some fates." -Crow (as God). "*I'll* decide if it's a good morning or not!" -Tom Servo (as God). "I'm a stranger with parasites." -Tom Servo (as Ralph). "*I'm* your boyfriend now!!" -Crow (as Giant Iguana) et al. "Looks like he lost a pie contest!" -Crow. "Red flare at night, lizards fight." -Tom Servo. "Thanks for almost killing me!" -**. "Thanks for annihilating everything I know!" -Crow (as Joey the Lemur). "They're making pretty good time, considering this is a Lippert film." -Tom Servo. "Time to drown the lemur!" -Crow (as Dick). "We're getting a lot of mileage out of that lemur bit!" -Crow. "What a desolate, forsaken place!" "What a stilted, pretentious line!" -Nora/Crow. "Would you guys knock it off? I can't concentrate on my own lame wisecracks." -Crow. 211 First Spaceship on Venus "--and Brinkman..." "--screamed like a baby when we flew off and left him." -Herringway/Joel (as Herringway). "Fries are up." -Tom Servo et al. "Good thing the Venusians could never get very far from the bathroom." -Crow. "I'd say Mrs. Butterworth is going to have a lot of explaining to do..." -Tom Servo. "I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling..." -Crow (as Chen Yu (gesundheit!)). "Mmmm... French dressing. I love it." -Crow (as Talowa). "My one piece of advice: Do not have the Venusian Pu-Pu Platter." -Crow (as Durant). "*My* transmitter?! Look, dickweed..." -Crow (as Herringway). "Oh, everything's better in the crawlicopter..." -Tom Servo. "Oh, the Crawlicopter -- that's your answer for everything." -Crow. "Smucker's raspberry preserves..." -Joel et al. "There's an angry black gentleman on line one..." -Crow (as the Lunar Switchboard Operator). "The sphere is turning red!" "Well, wouldn't yours?" -Orloff/Tom Servo. "This is our secret fort; we're gonna keep Chen Yu out." -Joel (as Orloff). "Would somebody shoot that turkey!?" -Tom Servo. 212 Godzilla vs. Megalon "Hey, look -- I found some funny powder!" "Uh, that's mine, just leave it alone, there..." -Roxanne/** (as **). "I'd like to thank the fine people of Seatopia for giving me these totally useless arms!" -Joel (as Megalon). "If you're like me -- and I know *I* am..." -Joel. "I guess a rocket *is* standard picnicking equipment in Japan..." -**. "It's the All-Idiot Channel!" -**. "I wet 'em!" -Tom Servo (as Roxanne). "Looks like I got the load end of the pan that time." -Crow. "Now they can all die on dry land!" -**. "Oh my god! The humidifier committed suicide!!" -**. "Rex Dart -- Eskimo Spy!" -All. "Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer." -**. 213 Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster "All these monster fights are rigged." -Crow. "Duh!... A secret laboratory that makes bowling pins..." -Tom Servo. "I... am going... to KILL you! Why? Because you are going to die!" -Crow (as the Sea Monster). "I am Servotron, destroyer of worlds!" -Tom Servo. "I just saw half a crab kill a guy..." -Joel (as Commander Yamoto). "Kabob and -- Ka-Steve!" -Crow. "Now, every scientist worth his salt knows that dogs love chirpy little chew toys, *and* they love rock-'n'-roll; so..." -Dr. Forrester. "Ooh, Steve is really delicious!" -Crow (as Rota). "Sorry, I'm gonna have to impale you, that's my job..." -Joel (as the Sea Monster). "Sounds like your monster reads Frost." -Joel. SEASON 3 301 Cave Dwellers "But, we *are* barbarians!" -Crow (as Ator). "Daddy, there's a boy outside..." -TV's Frank. "Drink it all. Sometimes the poison's at the bottom." -Crow (as Village Elder). "Everybody knows smoking kills, but it's cool! What are you gonna do? Everybody loves tar -- Sure, who doesn't? But scientists have known for well over a year that it's bad for you." -Joel. "How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?..." -Joel. "Is that Ator up there, or are you just glad to see me?" -Tom Servo (as Zor). "Jeez! *Tolkien* couldn't follow this plot!" -Crow. "Look -- anal-retentive snakes. They lined up the skulls." -Tom Servo. "No, Marmaduke! Don't use the triple-overhand stitch! Bad dog!" -Crow. "Oh, bite me. It's fun!" -Joel (as Zor). et al. "Ouch!! I landed on my eight-sided dice!" -Joel (as a human sacrifice). "Thong? No, it's a dance belt." -Tom Servo. "Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the Sizzler." -Joel. "Wait for it... Wait for it!..." -Dr. Forrester. "What do you want from us?? We're *evil*! EVIL!!" -Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. 302 Gamera "Commander! The plant is completely destroyed!" "I told you to *water* the plant!!" -Japanese Solder/Crow (as Japanese Commander). "Don't go into that area. There's radiation there." "And, as everybody knows, it can only affect you if you touch it." -Dr. Hidaka/Tom Servo. "Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?" -Crow. "Hmmm... Looks like a medium-rare porterhouse." -Tom Servo. "It has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter!..." "-- Like McDonalds?" -Col. Sanders-san/Joel. "Let's see -- there's chaos here, chaos there, hmm... He's right, chaos everywhere." -Joel (as Karnak-san Japanese technician). "Maybe it's the flying saucer that I heard them talk... so much... about... late-... ly..." -Old Japanese Foster-Brooks guy. "Saaaay!..." -Tom Servo. et al. "Water -- the source of all life..." -Tom Servo. et al. "Yeah, hello, this is Gamera. Knock it off!" -Tom Servo. 303 Pod People "Hmmm... This potato's got big ears..." -Crow (as Trumpy). "I'll never forget you, Trumpy." "...The way you callously knocked off 15 people... I'll never forget that; don't ever change, Trumpy..." -Tommy/Tom Servo (as Tommy). "I love you, Tom Servo!" "I love you, Joel!" "I love you, Crow!" "You're not my real father!" Joel/Tom Servo/Joel/Crow. "It's called EVIL, kid." -Crow (as Trumpy). "It stinks!" -Rick. "Now we can kill us some game in peace and quiet." "Do you realize what you just said?" -Matt/Crow (as Lorne Green guy). "Something there is that doesn't love a crummy monster film..." -Tom Servo. "...the helpless cough of a squirrel with a crushed face -- *that's* what life's all about." -Joel (as Lorne Green guy). "Tommy, now you quit warping time and space this instant!" -Tom Servo (as Mrs. Stevens). "Trumpy, you can do magic things!" -Tommy. 304 Gamera vs. Baguron "Caution: Filling is hot -- and *alive*!" -Tom Servo. "Hi, I'm dangerous to myself and others." -Joel (as K.Z.K). "Seen it... hated it... taped it..." -Tom Servo/Joel/Crow. "The monster can destroy everything with its tongue." "*You* try saying that without laughing." -Japanese General/Crow. "Well, that's it. We're licked." -Crow (as K.Z.K.). "Whatever you do, don't hit the inflatable reindeer! Please!" -Tom Servo. 305 Stranded in Space "Hooker's a good cop!!" -Crow. et al. "I had Jello today..." -Joel (as Dr. Revere). et al. "Let's see if I can strand this baby." -** (as Neil Stryker). "Lots of Chryslers on this planet..." -Crow. "My god you're ugly..." -Crow (as Neil Stryker). et al. "Start running, Frank..." -Dr. Forrester. "They shot my spare turtlenecks!" -Joel (as Cameron Mitchell). "Wow... Do you realize how many TV series would be wiped out if this room blew up?" -Tom Servo. "Yes!! It worked! I'm gonna score on an interplanetary scale!" -Crow (as Neil Stryker). 306 Time of the Apes "Ah, it's just some kids down there." -Joel (as Ape Sentry). "Apes of the oooold west... That's John Wesley Ape, once flung crap at a man just for snorin' too loud." -Joel. "But I kid the potatoes..." -Joel (as Godo). "Do not be afraid, I do not hurt innocent people. I have assistants for that." -Tom Servo (as His Excellency). "I don't care!" -Johnny. "Let's crap in our hands and throw it at people! Heh heh... You know, no matter how much you evolve, that's still damn funny." -Crow (as Ape Lieutenant). "No, no, forget the beach chair! You're in a hurry!" -Tom Servo. "Off to meet my doom, Mom! See you after school!" -Joel (as Johnny). "Uh, I'd wash that hand if I were you -- that's my throwing hand." -Joel (as His Excellency). "What is this -- 'Planet of the Fops'?" -Crow. "You said 'bowling ball' earlier. What did that mean?" -Crow. 307 Daddy-O (Alphabet Antics) "Goodbye -- from me and my package." -'Jack Perkins'. "I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness." -Crow (as the Narrator). "It's the smell of copy machine toner and white-out that makes my soul soar!" -Tom Servo. 308 Gamera vs. Gaos "And in case you're interested, mucilage tastes just like sweet honey! Mmmm..." -Crow. "Do you want to go *faster*? Raise your hand if you want to go *faster*!" -Joel. et al. "Excuse me, I've just gotta mate with a Tilt-a-Whirl, here..." -Crow (as Gamera). "Face it -- he likes blood, but not the way *you* make it." -Crow. "Granddad's *already* disturbed." -Crow. "Hey! Could you get the subplot off the road, please?!" -Crow (as truck driver). "Honey, we're at grandma's; put your shoes on." -Joel (as Chuchumi). "I do I do I do I *do* believe in Gaos!" -Joel (as Itchy). "I don't know where my friend went, but -- there's a pile of poop here with shoes in it!" -Tom Servo (as Itchy). "Mom, if the UN calls, I'm playing with my slot cars." -Joel (as Itchy). "Oh. Flying hellbeast. Seen it." -Joel (as Itchy). "Red sky at morning, monsters take warning." -Joel. "The fountain will spray out a substance which resembles blood, both in smell and in taste." "Who tested it?" -Chuchumi/Tom Servo. "There, I just marked our territory." -Joel (as the Fat Japanese Comic- Relief guy). "Tiny *itchy* diodes, you mean..." -TV's Frank. "Walk quietly among other men, but know their power for they are your enemies. Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the night. Pay attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your ally. Drink deeply and lustfully from the foamy draught of evil... Uh, do it to the other guy before he does it to you, and be bad to the bone. Won't you? Thank you." -Dr. Forrester. "Would somebody please milk grandpa? He's in a lot of pain!" -Joel. "You know what burns my butt? A flame about this high." -Joel (as skinny comic-relief guy). 309 The Amazing Colossal Man "Can we smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames." -Sergeant/Joel (as Glen). "Did someone say 'meat'?..." -Crow. "Even though your feet smell like cheese, we prefer to think they smell like *good* cheese." -Crow. "Frank, does it... hurt much?" -Dr. Forrester. "I dunno, some planet, I think. Supposed to be good for you..." -'The Amazing Colossal Man'. "I thought it had no texture." -TV's Frank. "I would have taken my head, and made a hat..." -Gypsy. "Look, if I want my opinion I'll beat it out of me!" -Dr. Forrester. "Pull my finger." -Crow (as Glen). et al. "Push the button, Frank. I've got a tennis game later with the chirping hellbeast." -Dr. Forrester. "Ribs! *That's* what I'm hungry for!" -Joel (as Insensitive Reporter). "Scare me?" -Crow. et al. "Stock footage is hell." -Crow. "This is your house, and you're in it, and I'm out here laughing!" -Joel (as scientist). "Vandals came in and put skin on him!" -Joel (as doctor). "Wait... he's alive, but his head's gone..." -Crow (as Glen). 310 Fugitive Alien "Cigar?" "Why, yes, it is." -Capt. Joe/Tom Servo (as Ken). "Did he say 'Whopper'? What is that, a pet name?" -Joel. "Gymkata!" -Joel. et al. "Hahahahahahahahaha -- YOU'RE STUCK HERE!!" -Captain Joe. "He tried to kill me with a forklift... Ole!" -All. "Hmm. --I'm sorry, I was just playing a video game in my head." -Joel (as Capt. Joe). "I'd rather share a needle with Keith Richards." -Tom Servo (as Ken). "Ken did it." "Those bastards!!" -Lord Halkon/Joel (as Rita). "Kissing monster! Kissing monster!" -Crow (as Ken). "Looks like Ken's driving the Malibu Barbie Beach Jeep..." -Joel. "Looks like he got his prescription filled." -Crow. "No one can beat me at snap zooms! I was in _Time of the Apes_!" -Crow (as Capt. Joe). "Now this, to me, is good TV -- being genetically altered on cable television." -'Jack Perkins'. "That was about as painful as a cattle prod to the shoulder can get." - 'Jack Perkins'. "That was no meteorite -- that was my wife!" -Crow. "They never explained the blond wigs. I don't get that." -Joel. "You're a disgrace to all Kens." -Crow. 311 It Conquered the World (Snow Thrills) "Does this bug you? I'm not touching you..." -Crow (as Bat thingy). et al. "Get your shoes on, we're at the monster." -Crow (as Lee). "He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature..." -Peter Graves. "Honey, why can't you just *once* let me take over the world?" -Joel (as Lee van Cleef). "I'm doing this for Jody Foster. It's nothing personal." -Tom Servo (as a Cop). "It's the parade of shame and wasted lives!" -Tom Servo (as Narrator). "I understand now. Gallagher *is* funny." -Joel (as Gen. Paddock). "Just kill it, don't play with it!" -Crow (as Gen. Paddock). "Man... You just can't keep that guy away from the farm animals." -Crow. "Next on Sally Jesse Raphael -- Ski Joring." -Tom Servo. "Saaaay... Who's the new girl?" -Tom Servo. "Title puns. I love 'em." -Tom Servo. "Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests anymore. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement." -Joel (as Peter Graves). "Well, there's blankets and canned goods in the broom closet. We'll make out." "Oh, wowwww..." -Scientist/Joel. "Which one's Manuel?" -Tom Servo. "Yeah, everybody gets a day off at the end of the world. Didn't you know that? It's a free day." -Joel. "Yeah, well you're full of skit!" -Joel. "You want me to -- scratch my butt??" -Joel (as a Cop). 312 Gamera vs. Guiron "Almost all of the monsters had their haircuts done that way back then." -Joel. "'Cornjob'??" -Joel. "Gamera is really neat/ Gamera is full of meat/ We all love you Gamera!" -All. "Gamera's dancing go-go!" -Tom. "I saw Gamera kissing Santa Claus." -Joel (as Scientist). "Mind if I smell your daughter?" -Crow (as **). "Mmmm... Donuts and gray-water!" -Crow. "My mother's donuts are a saint!!" -Crow (as Tom). "Ooh, that's good lard..." -TV's Frank. "Uh, why are you rotating the biscuit-holder?" -Crow. "Why do you have that *glazed* look on your face?" -Tom Servo (as Tom). "You know, even though they tried to eat our brains, you gotta admit it's kinda fun here!" -Joel (as Tom). 313 Earth vs. the Spider (Speech: Using Your Voice) "Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing?" -Crow (as Prof. E.C. Buehler). "Don't *ever* mention Emerson Lake & Palmer around Gypsy!" -Joel. "He died as he lived -- with jelly all over his face." -Tom Servo. "Hey, professor! Does this count as a lab?" -Joel (as Mike). "I'll just stay here and bark out belligerent, fat-assed orders." -Tom Servo (as the Sheriff). "Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I drive a truck, I'm butt- ugly, and I hate spiders." -Tom Servo (as Carol's Dad). "Oh, and you must have a wire rack." -Tom Servo (as Prof. E.C. Buehler). "So I was sitting by myself, and I said -- 'Spider'! Hahh hahh..." -Crow (as the Sheriff). "This man's wearing a push-up bra. Now *he's* pleasing!" -Crow (as Prof. E.C. Buehler). "Use plenty of lip and tongue action!" -Prof. E.C. Buehler. "What, do you think soup is a biped?" -Crow. "Yeah -- I'll say we got burnt! We got burnt all the time!! It was just part of what went with the territory when you got to make your own cool plastic toys!" -Joel. "You have *got* to be kidding me!!" -Crow. et al. "You know, that spider's really neat, but there's something really interesting on that wall over there..." -Joel. 314 Mighty Jack "And make sure that Dr. Takebana doesn't commit suicide." "Phht. Yeah, he's always pulling that." -**. "Eddie, Yuri, put on your diving suits and scout out the whole area. You, put on your diving suit and meet me in my cabin." -** (as Atari). "He died as he lived -- lovin' his work. Heh heh..." -Crow. "Meanwhile, back on the _Greasy Bastard_..." -Crow. "'Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came down from the stairwell...'" -**. et al. "The anti-missiles are loaded, sir." "Shhh! Later..." -Jerry/** (as **). "They're using every toy in the box!" -Crow. "We'd like to welcome you to _Collateral_Damage_Playhouse_..." -**. "You accelerate *my* molecules, doctor." -** (as Mary). 315 Teenage Caveman (Aquatic Wizards/Catching Trouble) "Feel free to dig your heel into my groin." -**. "So long, chum!" -**. "Something goofy this way comes..." -** et al. "This has got litigation written all over it." -**. "This script is like a telephone directory!" -**. "We have bowling and miniature golf... We get drunk and make fun of you guys 'cause you're so stupid..." -Crow (as the guy from across the Wastelands). "You know, I'm just guessing, guys, but since this is a Corman film we'd better get used to this scenery." -Joel. 316 Gamera vs. Zigra "--and she's a space-woman!" "I *knowww*..." -**/All. "--celestial body number 105!" "I *knowww*..." -Evil Spacewoman/All. "Did I get that right? 'They died on vacation'??" -Crow. "For this afternoon's show, we'll drown two schoolchildren." -Tom Servo. "Hey, give someone else a chance in there! What, did you fall in?" -**. "If you remember that, you have a great weapon!" "I *knowww*..." -Evil Spacewoman/All. "I had this dream once." -Crow. "No one will be seated during the famous Fish Argument." -**. "Oh, and, uh, you're married to me, that was the other thing..." -**. "Please take the Bob Hope hat off!" -**. "Sister, that dress is headed for trouble and it's taking you with it." -Crow. "Stay away from those powerful hind legs, boys." -**. "You know, these films are." -Tom Servo. 317 Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (The Home Economics Story) "...a GIR-L?!?!" -Semya. "But you don't understand! I'm a PRINCE!!" -Semya. "Help me please!! I'm being attacked by a ham sandwich!!" -Crow (as Semya). "How do pop tarts work?" -Joel (as Kay). "How long have you been a Viking?" -Crow (as Tira). "I am HOT! I turn *myself* on!" -Tom Servo (as Brasiere). "Let's face it, sticky-fingers -- waffles are just a vehicle for butter and syrup." -Dr. Forrester. "Look look look at my crotch..." -All (as Cheerleaders). "Oh, Crow... What the heck does this have to do with French toast?!" -Tom Servo. "Oh, no!! They *licked* her to death!" "I *knowwww*..." -Tom Servo/Crow. "Ooh! I hope they start wrestling!" -Tom Servo. "Roger, this is God. Pick up the pace!" Crow (as God). "Sorry about the costume. Corman's poodle died, and he doesn't like to waste anything." -Crow (as Stark). "The storm god sits quietly with his napkin in his lap, num-num-num." -Crow. "They killed H.R. Puffinstuff!" -Joel. "This is getting weird, you guys. There's a silhouette of theater seats behind that movie." -Joel. "Uh, Joel, I think the butter's slipped off your stack of waffles, buddy." -Crow. "Well, okay, yonder lies *the matte painting of* the castle of my father." -Tom Servo (as Zarko). "Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great, really. You know, the other day my colon looked up at me and said, 'Frank, thank you.' And I said, 'No -- thank *you*!'" -TV's Frank. "We need them --" "--like a fish needs a bicycle." -Brasiere/Tom Servo. "Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 5000 people -- most of them named Chad?" -Crow. "You know, this Home Economics film really took a weird turn somewhere along the line..." -Tom Servo. "You're weird, which results in creativity." -Crow. 318 Star Force: Fugitive Alien II "Come on, *this* is your mother now. Try her out!" -Tom Servo (as Capt. Joe). "Existential void where prohibited." -Crow. "For the walking sequence, special director Roger Corman..." -Crow. "I just love the whole incoherent _Mighty Jack_ quality of this film." -Tom Servo. "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!?!" -Crow. "Who's that guy with the big head, big head..." -Tom Servo. "You can't destroy me -- I *quit*!" -Crow (as Lord Halkon). "You don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole..." "...but it helps!" -Ken/Tom Servo (as Ken). 319 War of the Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural) "And as for these phantom 'breasts'..." -Tom Servo. "A whole new way to love the same old crap!" -Joel. "Buzz... this time, try not to make so much noise when you read." -Crow (as Buzz's Mom). "Conform... conform..." -All. "Glen! Remember *these*?" -Crow (as Joyce). "He's dead and therefore unable to come to the phone." -Tom Servo (as some Soldier). "If only an androgynous man would come and visit meeeee..." -Joel (as Buzz). "It's all part of this nutritious war!" -TV's Frank. "Joel, I'm scared..." -Crow. "Knew your father, I did!" -Mr. B Natural. "KTLA predicts..." -Joel. "Lost in the valley of the shadow of the subplot..." -Crow. "Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker and find out why they call him 'Buzz'..." -Tom Servo. "Mr. B, you're HOT!!" -Joel. "Oh, excuse *me*, sexless man-woman." -Tom Servo (as Buzz). "Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer." -Joel. "Oh my god, please say this isn't happening!!" -Crow. "Oscar Wilde only *wished* he were this gay." -Joel. "Spankin' time!" -Joel. "Stay together, cheeks..." -Tom Servo (as Maj. Baird) et al. "The best instruments are uniform -- every one is exactly like every other of the same kind." "--Just like you and me!" -Narrator/Tom Servo (as Narrator). "They say you never hear the snack with your name on it." -Crow. "This delicious meal has a flat trajectory and a muzzle velocity of 2400 feet per second." -Dr. Forrester. "Turn it off... TURN IT OFF!!..." -Tom Servo et al. "Uh, Mister B, what would *you* know about dignity?" -Joel. "Uh oh -- Glen passed a truck on the highway. I mean, he *passed a truck* on the highway!" -Tom Servo (as Sgt. Mario). "What the hell is a 'chonga'?" -Crow. "You get a Mister Misty-meanor for that" -Crow. "Your brother died a watery death. Well, gotta go!..." -Crow (as Maj. Baird). 320 The Unearthly (Posture Pals/Appreciating Our Parents) "Accept the pain, Frank." -Dr. Forrester. "Frank, Frank... Once again I'm going to have to kill you." -Dr. Forrester. "Here's to risking your life in the name of some national TV exposure." -Joel. "Pulse normal... Heartbeat faint but regular... Respiration steady... Reactions, none..." "Wait a minute -- that's *me*!" -Sharon/Joel (as John Carradine). "Their chances of being cool are ruined for life." -Crow. "This Brown-'N'-Serve is alive!! ALIVE!!..." -Crow (as John Carradine). "Time for go to bed." -Tor Johnson. "You know, sometimes I too am able to peer over the ledge of sanity and gaze on the boundless beauty of psychosis and -- boy, is it dark!" -'Jack Perkins'. 321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians "And no one on Earth will ever know that Santa was kidnapped by Martians!" "Do you realize what you just said?" -Voldar/Joel. "And now, for your enjoyment, some suggestive scenes of jets refueling. Oh-h-h-h..." -Tom Servo. "'Dear Hair Club for Men: I need help big-time...'" -Joel (as bald military guy). "Droppo, you are the laziest man on Mars." -Keemar. "Gentlemen! We can't *all* be the Honey-Nut Cheerios honeybee!" -Crow (as Voldar). "I don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the wheels of a train, is there?" -Tom Servo. "I sure hope that's pudding..." -Tom Servo. "I want to decide who lives and who dies!" "Oh, I don't know..." -Crow/Joel. "Oh my god, he's playing dress-up! NO! NO!!!..." -Tom Servo. "Pills for breakfast? What are we? Judy Garland?" -Crow (as kids). "Shield your eyes, Frank..." -Dr. Forrester. "Somewhere there's a warrant with his name on it. I'm sure of it." -Joel. "The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head!" "Don't worry -- we'll give them to dyslexic kids!" -Girmar/Joel (as Santa). "Then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change..." -TV's Frank. "Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before..." -Joel. "We've landed. You'll just have to take my word for it." -Lomas/Tom Servo (as Lomas). "What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?" -Crow (as Keemar). "When she thinks of the mass media, she touches herself!" -Tom Servo. "Why do you think they call him 'Droppo'?" -Crow. "You know, elf tastes just like chicken!" -Tom Servo (as KID-TV reporter Andy Henderson). 322 Master Ninja I "And I don't want *anyone* strapping *anyone's* hands across *anyone's* engines!!" -Joel. "Ha ha ha ha... We're bald and we're bonding!" -Joel (as Mr. Patterson). "Hey! They spent 20 bucks of it on a pizza!" -Joel (as Max). "Hey, you got enough sticks in your drawers there?" -Joel. "I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere." -**. "I hope she's into big-assed medallions." -Tom Servo (as Lee van Cleef). "It's show--!" "Don't even think about it, Frank. Send 'em the movie." "--time..." -TV's Frank/Dr. Forrester/TV's Frank. "MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!!" -Joel. "Now, wait a minute... Is it me, or did I just lose face?" -**. "--Oh!! I thought he was gonna rip off his mustache!" -Crow. "P.J. Truffleberry's -- try the fantoozler!" -Joel. "The tranquility of post-war Japan?!?" -Joel. "This is from my 1935 film _The Prancing Ninny_..." -Tom Servo (as Mr. Patterson). "Uh oh -- I just passed wind in my suit. I ask you, as a point of honor, give me a second." -Tom Servo (as Okasa). "We're getting into a whole weird area here..." -Tom Servo et al. "Who says a coma can't be delicious?" -TV's Frank. "Yes, once again the pursuing vehicle is driven by STUPID people." -Tom Servo. "You know, say what you want, but Claude Akins has a nice rump." -Joel. 323 Castle of Fu Manchu "I feel like a hundred bucks!" -Crow (as Prof. Heracles). "I'm learning a lot more about this guy's nasal hair than I ever wanted to know." -Joel. "Joel, this movie really isn't very good, is it?" -Crow. "She had to sit next to -- THE STINKY GUY!" -Joel. "Then you will sign this lady's death warrant!" "Sure. Got a pen?" -Fu Manchu/Tom Servo (as Kessler). "These guys are really easy to kill!" -Joel. "This movie sucks, Joel." -Tom Servo. "Was it disgusting for you, too?" -Crow (as Ingrid). 324 Master Ninja II "Damn! I just injected him with blowfish poison!" -** (as Lee van Cleef). "Microsoft Service. Could you hold for an hour?" -**. SEASON 4 401 Space Travelers "Here at Phillips Petroleum, we've found ways to replace the environment..." -Crow. "I AM IRONMAN!!!" -Joel. "If Bruce Willis' career continues its downward slide, it could be a setback to the forces of Evil everywhere!" -TV's Frank. "I'm a highly trained professional and it's *still* cool!" -Joel (as Stony). "I want this man savagely beaten." -Crow (as Gregory Peck). "Oh, Gene Hackman. He's good in anything." -Joel. "'*Read* you'?? I *love* you!" -Joel (as NASA technician). "Since when did NASA paint anything red?" -Tom Servo. "We had to scrub the launch." "Hey! Hey! There are ladies present!" -Gregory Peck/Tom Servo. "Well, I think the point they've established so far is that they're going into space. I think that's probably established. Maybe we'll need another TEN MINUTES or so to make it clear!!" -Tom Servo. "We suggest you start breathing in shifts." -Crow (as Gregory Peck). 402 The Giant Gila Monster "Accident?" "No thanks." -Tom Servo/Joel. "...And the Lord said DIE CHILDREN DIE!!" -Joel (as the Giant Gila Monster). "Bad movie? You're soaking in it!" -Crow. "Guys, did we just do an After-School Special, here?" -Tom Servo. "Here, drink this. It'll make you feel American." -Crow (as Chase). "I just want to know if the Lord said it this many times in a row." -Joel. "I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's." -Crow (as Chase). "I sing whenever I sing whenever I..." -Chase Winstead. "Sample my *fist*, you community theater reject!" -TV's Frank. "Stupid-Man! More powerful than an okie-motive..." -Crow. "They killed off the only likeable character!" -Crow. "What are you wearing?... I'm putting my knee up right now... oh-h-h- h..." -Crow (as Chase). "Whoa! Honey, speak English!" -Tom Servo. "Would you forget the skid marks!!!" -Tom Servo. 403 City Limits "Did I mention that I cried?" -'Morrissey'. "If I knew what was going on I'd really be indignant." -Crow. "I'm a Grimald warrior!!" -Joel (as Mick). "It's after the apocalypse! Nobody's hiring!" -Tom Servo. "It's like he wants to order a pizza but doesn't dare." -Joel. "Kim's having my fantasy about her!" -Crow. "Mister Papercut -- 47 different angles of paper jut from his body!" -Joel. "Nice location for a beating. Real scenic!" -Tom Servo. "One good thing about the apocalypse -- always plenty of parking." -Tom Servo. "Perfect Paul and his Magnetic Spleen -- he has only one flaw!" -Tom Servo. "Progress! *That's* what my career lacks!" -Crow (as Robbie Benson). "Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comic books in plastic bags?" "No, we have lives." -Crow/Tom Servo. "So what was that whole hitting-me-with-chains thing about?" -Crow (as Lee). "SwitchERRRR!!" -Joel. "That's a lot of fabric to wear on a cycle." -Crow. "They're trying to kill me! I guess I'll park." -Crow (as Lee). "We're basically evil, granted..." -TV's Frank. "What is this -- 'Pantsless Motorcycle Repair'?" -Tom Servo. "Would you quit being evil over my shoulder?" -Crow (as Kim Cattrall). "You're really stupid if you get hit by a car after the apocalypse." -Crow. 404 Teenagers from Outer Space "And he forced Gramps to drive here? He *is* insane!" -Joel (as Joe). "But, Resusci', you *is* a chick!" -Dr. Forrester. "'Expandable legbands'? Yes *sir*!!" -Joel (as a Teener from Outer Space). "I have never piloted swim trunks before." -Tom Servo (as Derek). "I like you, Gramps. That's why I'll kill you last." -Crow (as Thor). "So, have I told you I have a man up in space?... No, literally -- I have a man up in space." -Dr. Forrester. "Sounds like the foley guy's frying up a burger." -Crow. "When we return to our planet, the high court may well sentence you to TOR-CHAR!!" -Teener Captain. 405 Being From Another Planet "A fishfinder -- in a hospital??" -Tom Servo. "Ahhh, 'two scoops of raisins' my ass..." -Joel (as Ken Melrose). "'Dear Aunt Nefertiti: Thanks for the socks.'??..." -Crow. "Frank, let's pretend that I hurt you and move on, shall we?" -Dr. Forrester. "How do you tell someone they've been dead for a thousand years?" -Crow. "Oh, great. The plague. And I've got a date!" -Crow (as Michael). "This looks like spermatozoa vacation pictures." -Joel. "Well, there's no emotional attachment to me. I can die." -Crow (as the Janitor). "Why'd they send a mummy to Pine City Vo-Tech?" -Joel. 406 Attack of the Giant Leeches (Undersea Kingdom-1) "Blindsided by another short." -Joel. "But, keep in mind, I'm intensely stupid." -Crow (as Evans). "Can we stop for a snack? Dave would have wanted us to." -Joel (as some guy in the search party). "Free trial sample! Try *me* for a week!" -Tom Servo (as Cal). "Geez, lady, scream in someone else's ear!" -Crow. "Hand me up that horse!" -Crow (as Atlantean Soldier). "Hey, little girl! Would you like a salted nut roll?" -a Holoclown. "How come they all turned when he said 'Dad'?" -Crow. "It's not very invisible..." -Joel. "Joel, I can't help but think that this film was flawed in some ways." -Crow. "Just advancing the plot, nothing personal." -Joel (as Cal). "Keep out of sight. I'll find out if they're friends or enemies." "Uh, if they kill me, they're probably enemies." -Crash Corrigan/Tom Servo (as Crash Corrigan). "Stop wait come back..." -Tom Servo. et al. "Thanks for comforting me with a gun." -Crow (as Nan). "These guys are aggressively incompetent." -Tom Servo. "This looks like a fine place to set down my pasty white bottom." -Joel (as Prof. Norton). "Wait there! We're coming to attack you!" -Crow (as Atlantean Soldier). 407 The Killer Shrews (Junior Rodeo Daredevils) "Alf, NO!!" -Joel. "Are the dogs and the shrews friends? Is that what's going on?" -Tom Servo. "Did I mention my saliva is poisonous?" -Crow. "Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four!! --WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?!?!" -Joel (as a Kid in the Junior Rodeo). "He must devour three times his own weight every day--" "--plus a delicious shake." -Narrator/Tom Servo (as Narrator). "I'd like to hit you really hard." -Crow (as Capt. Sherman). "I don't even know how fish work!" -Joel (as Capt. Sherman). "I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter." -Joel. "New rule, Frank: Don't ever touch me." -Dr. Forrester. "Rodeos are the opiate of the masses." -Tom Servo. "That's a pretty complex insult, for a drunk." -Crow. "Would you knock it off about Dixieland jazz!?!" -Crow. 408 Hercules Unchained "Ever thought of putting two similar sentences together?" -Crow. "Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this film." -Joel. "Hey, stop feeding my bride." -Crow (as Hercules). "I have the feeling we've met somewhere before." "*I* just have the *feeling*!" -Queen Omphale/Crow (as Castor). "I'm LONG!" -Crow (as Laertes). "I'm sorry, your *what* hurts?" -Tom Servo. "I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake." -Hercules. "I want you to beat up Tom!" -Crow. "Ow!! I fell on my keys!" -Crow (as Hercules). 409 The Indestructible Man (Undersea Kingdom-2) "Honk if you're indestructible!" -**. "I'm gonna get you! All three of you!" "Wait, there's... only one of me!" -the Butcher/** (as **). "It sounds like the soundtrack is drunk." -**. "Oh, pardon *me*, Tom 'I've-got-to-take-an-Indestructible-Whiz' Servo." -Joel. "So, in a way, pain is good. Otherwise, we might be hurt and not know it and die during social studies." -Tom Servo. "That's *Mister* Stinking-rotten-mouthpiece to you." -**. "Well, Kevin here is Irish, but I'm Danish..." -Officer Nelson. 410 Hercules Against the Moon Men "Can you have a platonic relationship before Plato?" -Tom Servo. "DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRTINGGGG!!!" -Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. "Dolphins: one of the smartest mammals on Earth. Do they wear pants? No! But they *wish* they did. That's how smart they are!" -Tom Servo. "Good thing they made everything out of balsa wood back then." -Tom Servo. "Hey, who *hasn't* been 'in the hands of the Queen'?" -Joel. "Hey, you got change for an eight-year-old?" -Joel. "Hi, I'm a chocolate bar. Break off bits of me and enjoy me all day long." -Tom Servo (as Guard Captain). "I *am* the button!" -TV's Frank. "I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts than the women." -Crow. "I made a boomerang to hunt wild animals!" -Tom Servo. "Imagine what it'd be like if something were happening!" -Crow. "I'm a *scientist*! I don't think -- I observe!" -Dr. Forrester. "I'm glad I chose kickin' butt as a career." -Tom Servo (as Hercules). "'Pizza pizza' my ass..." -Joel (as Hercules). "Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of *me* all day long." -Tom Servo (as Hercules). "The Pant Association urges you to wear pants at least three times a day!" -Joel. "This is wild, I swear..." -Tom Servo (as Hercules). "This is wild! I've never killed a guy like *this* before. Neat!" -Joel (as Hercules). "We've got to think about your wound." "I can't think about anything else!" -Hercules/Tom Servo (as Derrix). 411 The Magic Sword "As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill..." -Dr. Forrester. "Beseech this!" -Tom Servo. "Double-hi-keeba! Raised you one." -Tom Servo (as George). "I don't cotton to those long-haired artsy types." -Dr. Forrester. "I have waited until your daughter reached that age, so that my dragon could relish the flesh of the princess." "Oh, wowwww..." -Basil Rathbone/Joel. "Mount your horses, gentlemen." "We're not *that* lonely!" -Sir Branton/Crow (as George). "Take her." "Here? In front of the circus people?" -Basil Rathbone/Crow (as Sir Branton). "They're not dead, they're just 'metaphysically challenged'." -Tom Servo. "Why does the most evil man in the world live in a Stuckeys?" -Tom Servo. "You're not going home." "You're going to Disneyland!" -Basil Rathbone/ Joel (as Basil Rathbone) "You've violated ape law!" -Crow (as the King). 412 Hercules and the Captive Women "It says that one time this big lobster came and attacked a lady, but Mr. Ed saved her." -Tom Servo. "Today is dedicated to Uranus." "Why, thank you, I..." -Ismene/Crow (as Hercules). "Uranus was a good cop!!" -**. "Whoa... Did I toss a throne last night?" -Crow (as Hercules). "You've been *following* this?!?" -**. 413 Manhunt in Space (General Hospital-1) "But Paris was destroyed in the apocalypse, Winky..." -Tom Servo (as Rocky Jones). "Here comes Nurse-feratu." -Crow. "Here -- Let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain." -Crow (as Doctor). "Hey, we can't all notice the same subtleties." -Tom Servo. "I am frank to say, I am puzzled." -Haggar Nu. "I *have* performed surgery once before, and although the patient didn't survive I feel quite confident." -Joel (as Doctor). "I know what you're thinking -- Did I fire six shots of seltzer or seven?" -Crow (as Vena). "I'm *already* sorry, Bobby..." -Tom Servo (as Rocky Jones). "I may be color blind, but it's plain to see I'm wearing a dress." -Tom Servo. "Joel, this movie hurts." -Tom Servo. "Make it personal. Hurt their feelings if you can." -Tom Servo (as Rocky Jones). "Ow!! Right in the Winky..." -Tom Servo. "See what you can do about making this lobby spookier." -Crow (as Doctor). "Send in the clowns -- Oh! Don't bother, they're here." -Tom Servo (as Sec. Drake). "The body sees a hernia as a series of ones and zeroes..." -Tom Servo (as Doctor). "This is the part where the Zagnut is fertilized by the salted nut roll..." -Joel. "To put it even *more* simply: You eat like a pig." -Tom Servo (as Doctor). 414 Tormented "BEEP plot point BEEP plot point BEEP plot point..." -All. "Booze really heals!" -Dr. Forrester. "I've got a date with Mrs. Butterworth..." -Crow. "Nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning." -Tom Servo (as Tom Stewart). "Two words: Get over it!!" -Dr. Forrester. "You're assuming I liked you in the first place." -Crow (as Tom Stewart). 415 The Beatniks (General Hospital-2) "At least we killed 'em before we stuffed 'em in there." -Crow. "'Dish of Ice Cream'?? Don't tempt me!" -Joel. "Gypsy crushes Joel! We'll be right back." -Gypsy. "Hello, this is Pete in props. Don't eat the cake!" -Tom Servo (as Pete). "He's got a really nice skull." -Crow. "Hey, you've got a snooker down there!" -Crow. "I 'desire' you to stop singing." -Tom Servo. "If these people are beatniks then my *mom* is a beatnik and, she's not!" -Joel. "I KILLED THAT FAT BARKEEP!!" -Mooney. "I'm gonna moon you, man, I'm gonna MOON you!!" "Well, that's gonna be tough, 'cause you really don't have a hinder to speak of." -Crow/Tom Servo. "Looks like this scene was shot by a bank camera." -Crow. "Not a high school diploma between them..." -Crow. "Shut up, Frank, or I'll let the dog play with you." -Dr. Forrester. "Thanks for the character development." -Tom Servo. "Uh oh... ... Smells like a montage." -Tom Servo. "Well, I'm gonna go over to the morgue and cheer up." -Crow (as Ken). "Whatever happened to empiricism?" -TV's Frank. 416 Fire Maidens of Outer Space "Allow me to knee you right in the groin." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Blair). "As disgusting pigs, they just weren't that convincing." -Tom Servo. "Breakfast is the most boring meal of the day." -Crow. "Dear God he's unappealing..." -Crow. "Guys, we're in for some deep padding." -Crow. "How'd ya like it if we picked *your* apples?" -Joel (as a Tree). "I can't believe how really in London we are." -Crow. "If you get near a consonant, let us know." -Tom Servo. "I give not a crap for thee." -Tom Servo (as Hestia). "I'm going to call it Planet Me." -Joel (as Dr. Blair). "I question the relevance of this scene." -Crow. "It's like a beer commercial!" -Crow. "I've got a headache this big, and it's got Cy Roth written all over it." -Joel (as Prossus). "I was thinking maybe I could just *marry into* posture." -Crow. "Jupiter -- America's dairyland!" -Crow. "Oh, like there's a plot to this..." -Tom Servo. "Okay, *don't* kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though..." -Tom Servo. "Thanks for hurling that gas bomb at me!" -Joel (as Hestia). "The four dullards of the apocalypse." -Tom Servo. "The message is 'Hot, steamin' love -- Texas-style.'" -Joel (as Capt. Larson). "Uh, better not go in there for a while..." -Tom Servo (as Prof. Stanhope). et al. "Uh, could we get a table closer to the plot?" -Joel (as Dr. Blair). "Uh, Joel, if you don't mind, I'm *cooking* here, I'm beginning to smell *delicious*..." -Tom Servo. "What? What was that? Was that a plot point?" -Crow. "You don't have to be Freud to figure *that* one out!" -Crow. "You know how I love humans." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Higgins). 417 Crash of the Moons (General Hospital-3) "Bobby, you're a bad person and nobody likes you." -Tom Servo (as Rocky Jones). "Can I take your helmet? --Oh! That's your hair." -Crow (as Phil). "'Dear Abby: I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy sex...'" -Tom Servo (as Rocky Jones). et al. "Do something, Joel! This aggressive niceness is making me feel really uncomfortable!" -Crow. "Frank, quit bogarting that toothpaste!" -Dr. Forrester. "He's got an extra Y chromosome." -Tom Servo. "How can you not love a skull like this?" -Crow (as Phil). "I'd be relieved if I knew what was happening." -Joel. "Made my own blender mayonnaise the other day..." -Joel (as Phil). "Please hit Bobby." -Joel (as Rocky Jones). "Rocky, have you ever had a funny feeling you're about to get slugged?" "Here, let me complete the thought --" -Winky/Joel (as Rocky Jones). "Sugar is the next best substitute for parental love!" -Dr. Forrester. "Tripping. Still works in the future!" -Joel. "What he lacks in expression, he makes up for in hat-tips." -Crow. "Why does he have to take orders from a bus driver?" -Crow. "You see, when a spaceship loves a space station *very* much..." -Tom Servo. 418 Attack of the Eye Creatures "Hi, I'm selling subscriptions to _Smoocher_ magazine..." -Tom Servo (as Stan). "I'd like to appologize for the entire male gender, thank you." -Joel. "I'm going to show you the moon." "No, please stay seated!" -Stan/ Crow. "I saw it with my own hair!" -Crow (as Susan). "It's more like the *Minor Vandalism* of the the Eye Creatures." -Crow. "Man... It's like _No_Exit_ with bad jokes!" -Joel. "Number of seances since last injury: 13." -Sign found in Deep Thirteen. "Oh, a *single* smoocher! The worst kind!" -Joel. "O'Neal amulances. You plug 'em, we lug 'em." -Tom Servo. "That's the dullest thing you've ever said." -Tom Servo (as Susan). "The unspoken language of bald men!" -Tom Servo. "The White Rock Cafe, where whitey comes to drink and dance!" -Joel. "They just didn't care!" -All. et al. "What a surprise. He lives in a shabbily furnished room." -Tom Servo. 419 The Rebel Set (Johnny at the Fair) "Abstract expressionism -- it's what's hot!" -Tom Servo. "And thus did mighty Samson overcome the Phillistine." "By hitting him over the head with a sitting stick while wearing a priest costume??" -Tucker/Crow. "'Dear Kids: Shot this guy for you. Ham in fridge. -Mom.'" -Joel. "Gentlemen -- Spill your milk!" -Joel (as Tucker). "It's the Law of Averages! I'm average -- I'll make it!" -Tom Servo (as Johnny Mapes). "Oh, great. Another oily, unlikable character." -Crow. "The cops ate my Chiclets!" -Joel (as Leland). "The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in..." -Crow (as the Narrator). "There are no small laws, just small criminals." -Tom Servo. "WHO IS MERRITT STONE?!?!..." -TV's Frank. 420 The Human Duplicators "C'mon, I'm huge, humor me." -Crow (as Richard Kiel). "Dr. Heimlich: The Early Years." -Crow. "Excuse me. I'm gonna go toss myself out the window." -Joel (as George Nader). "Hey, we're trying to *duplicate* down here!" -Tom Servo (as Prof. von Dornheimer (stifled laugh)). "I'm equipped with shifting antigens, so don't even try to find a cure!" -Tom Servo. "I'm going to be a world-champion blind lady!" -Crow (as Lisa). "I oughta kick your so-called butt!" -Crow (as Prof. von Dornheimer). "It's the blind leading the bland." -Crow. "I worked at NASA back when we were next to Cost Cutters." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Munsen). "Oh, George Nader. He's untalented at any speed." -Joel. "That's me, except I'm moist." -Tom Servo. "The boys did *what*? They duplicated *Lumpy*?!?" -Crow (as Hugh Beaumont). "There's no need to be formal, Mr. Martin. Please -- take off your pants." -Joel (as Prof. von Dornheimer). "This is a complete redesign that I've called 'Tank Rambo'. It's an all- terrain assault Me." -Tom Servo. "This is _Beverly Hills Cop_, only the slow, white version." -Tom Servo. "Well, okay, but don't duplicate my butt." -Joel (as George Nader). "Wow! If a fellow were to happen to be a human duplicator, he could really have a ball up here!" -Joel (as George Nader). 421 Monster A-Go-Go (Circus on Ice) "A friend who can't catch? I don't think so!" -Tom Servo. "America is leaning on cheese!" -Crow. "Any moment now, unspeakable horror! Trust me!" -Tom Servo (as Narrator). "As dull as a beige room." -Tom Servo. "Barkeep, could you freshen my date?" -Joel (as Dr. Manning). "But there was no monster..." -Narrator. "Could you imagine if you were the kind of person who enjoyed this?" -Tom Servo. "Douglas was pear-shaped, very short, and stood the whole way." -Tom Servo (as Narrator). "Great place to die, though. Real spooky!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Manning). "He made her bark!" -Crow. "Hey, Timmy, my dad's dead again! Can I come over for dinner?" -Crow (as Jimmy). "If you can't out-act a post!" -Crow. "It's a hover-Bonneville!" -Joel. "Johnny Longtorso /Johnny Longtorso / the man who comes in pieces... He's LONG!" -Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. "Let's play with phosphorous!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Taylor). "Now *that's* science!" -Joel. "Oh, he's just the host organism..." -Crow. "There! Your announcer feels vindicated. This is extremely horrible!" - Tom Servo (as the Narrator). "These two girls they make quite a pair/ They both come from your worst nightmare/ They will haunt your soul forever/ And now, when you see pink, you're gonna think, 'We're doomed!'/ They are agents of Satan..." -Tom Servo. "This has been a test. Had this been an actual movie, you would have been entertained." -Tom Servo. "This is gonna suck..." -Crow. "This is the 'A-Go-Go' part." -Tom Servo. "Tom, I don't get you." "Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby!" -Gypsy/Tom Servo. "We're gonna get burned, Joel. We're gonna get roasted like nuts!" -Tom Servo. "What a day. I invented Gainesburgers and I didn't even mean to!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Brent). "Women are torn apart like fresh bread..." -Joel (as Narrator). "Yeah, kids are always mutilating people." -Crow. 422 The Day the Earth Froze (Here Comes the Circus) "And here come the freaks now, look at 'em..." -Crow. "And Madonna thinks *she's* innovative!" -Crow. "Are you with the bride or the failure?" -Crow (as a Swede). "Hey, uh, lady? I'm a nice big pine that you could pray to, maybe. Maybe!..." -Joel (as Pine Tree). "I'm relative humidity. It's not so much the heat as it is me." -Tom Servo (as the West Wind). "Is it Sampo yet?" -Joel (as some whiney Troll). "Is there another wise man we could talk to?" -Crow (as Lemonkainen). "I think it's a strapless evening gown." "You think *everything* is a strapless evening gown!" -Tom Servo/Crow. "It's a bag of Homer Simpson!" -Joel. "Kids come running for the great taste of Sampo!" -Joel. "Sorry about the tip; I left my money in my other -- uh, pocket..." -TV's Frank. "Store this image away for a later nightmare!" -Tom Servo. "*The Box*, Frank, *The Box*!..." -Dr. Forrester. "The U.S.A. makes the best damn Sampos on the market, and I mean *nobody's* gonna change that!" -Tom Servo. "They're doing it clown style!! Noooo!..." -Tom Servo. "They're roasting Bullwinkle!" -Joel. "This is the most emotion ever expressed in Sweden." -Joel. "This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen." -Joel. "We come bearing honey-baked hams!" -Crow (as a Swede). "You know what would be a really funny routine? -- if we could somehow make the audience members... question their love for their spouses!" -Crow. "You may get burnt on this ride." -Joel. 423 Bride of the Monster (Hired!-1) "Are you mad, Varnoff?!" "What the hell do you think?!" -Prof. Strowsky/ Joel (as Bela). "CUT!! Hey, Bela, don't even *think* about it!" -Crow. "Don't worry, he's as gentle as a kitten." "Yeah, a big, bald, deranged kitten that could snap your neck like celery!" -Bela/Tom Servo. "Her pencil's gone again..." -Crow. "He's shooting at a different movie!" -Crow. "He tampered in God's domain..." -Captain Robbins. "Man... I wish they had a more effective monster. This is taking forever!" -Joel. "Oh -- God, no!! Does he have room for *her* down there?!" -Crow. "Oh, no!! Not the bean bag chair!" -Joel. "The night, the monster, and thou." -Crow (as Prof. Strowsky). "You know, this is Bela's best scene, and he's not even in it!" -Crow. 424 Manos: the Hands of Fate (Hired!-2) "Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?" -**. "Could you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah -- 'Arf!'" -Crow (as the Evil Hellbeast). "Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph." -Joel. "He's the clown who makes the dark side fun." -**. "His only crime was being born delicious!" -Crow. "I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me --" "--was Harry!" -Crow (as Hired! guy). "Kids worship the darndest things!" -Joel. "LeT mE gET yOuR CoMplImeNTaRy CraZy bREaD--" "--NO!!!" -Torgo/Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. "Say, y'know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm..." -TV's Frank. "Tonight: Manos gets caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse..." -Tom Servo. "Torgo, you're missing the fight! Put your dress on and get in there!" -Tom Servo. "You know, there are certain flaws in this film." -Tom Servo. "Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now *that's* funny!" -Joel. SEASON 5 501 Warrior of the Lost World "Another Buddhist protesting the helmet laws..." -Joel. "Any fruit to declare?... ANY *FRUIT* TO DECLARE?!?!" -** (as Omega Guards). "Feel some malaise, sucka!" -** (as 'Jimmy Carter'). "Gee. Ohio looks great after the apocalypse!" -Joel. "I can't tell you how richly satisfying this is." -Tom Servo. "I'd put football pads on and just go up and down the street diving through plate glass windows!" -Crow. "It's Kung Foley!" -**. "It's not so much the apocalypse as it is the humidity." -Joel. "Mall of America was the scene of a violent coup today..." -**. 502 Hercules "But -- wait a minute; my head *is* a mass of muscle..." -Joel (as Hercules). "Excuse me while I have a strange interlude." -Crow (as Iole). "Have I mentioned I'm immense and immortal?" -Joel (as Hercules). "Hey, it's *my* piece of meat, I'll bite it where I want to!" -Crow (as Hercules). "Hi! We came to get Scruffy, our pet lion -- OH MY GOD!!" -Joel (as a Greek soldier). "I love my dead Greek son!" -Tom Servo (as King Pelias). "'Love' is an expression never used here." "Except when it comes to chocolate!" Queen Antea/Joel (as Antea). "Now, don't you kids get drunk and go swimming under the dock. (Doodly doodly doodly...) Help! I'm drunk and I'm swimming under the dock!!" -Tom Servo. "Now that the Golden Fleece is gone, he must officiate." "EWWWW!!" -Iole/ All. "Oh, I hope *they* aren't Herc's mortal weakness!" -Crow. "Oh, no! My aunt's coming to take me to the Michael Bolton concert!" -Tom Servo. "Pretty please, with Herc on top?" -Crow (as Hercules). "This island bites. It's, like, totally Amazon-less." -Tom Servo (as a Greek sailor). "This morning, a lone chain-man terrorized downtown Athens. No motive w was apparent." -Tom Servo. "Wait -- this is *ancient* Greece. They didn't have ruins yet!" -Crow. "You know, I get the feeling Hercules is going to learn an important lesson and kick some serious butt." -Joel. 503 Swamp Diamonds (What to do on a Date) "Alright, we need volunteers to get killed at this campsite." -**. "But, Santa, why, *why* are you taking my gun?" -**. "Enjoy yourself!" "I just did. :)" -**/** (as Touch Connors). "Get over here. We just wanna kill you for a minute." -**. "Hey, can we stop and wrestle now?" -**. "I do not know what we are. Perhaps we are gauchos. Ole!" -** (as some guys in the parade). "No, you can't inject puberty, it has to happen over time." -**. "Okay, now remember our rule: Only one dead at each place." -**. "They're doing a nickel at UPS!" -**. "Uh oh -- Roger Corman. This is gonna go down hard, guys." -**. "Would Kay enjoy... a weenie roast?" "NICK, NO!!" -Narrator/All. "You normally find this sort of thing on pay-per-view!" -**. 504 Secret Agent Super Dragon "...And starring Technicolor as himself." -Crow. "Boy! He sure is smooth, boss!" -Crow (as a Henchman). "'By special arrangement'?? What, did they have to get her out of the fourth grade?" -Joel. "Could something please just happen!!" -Crow. "Could you explain again why I do all the work?" -Crow (as Baby Face). "Hey -- He made the pool!" -Joel (as Super Dragon). "Hi, honey, I'm smooth!" -Crow (as Super Dragon). "I am the atomic powered robot. Please give my best wishes to everybody!" -Minsky the Robot. "I can't believe I just said 'codependent'!!" -Tom Servo. "'I don't want to die, I don't want to die'... Look, I got problems too!!" -Crow. "It's tasteless, odorless, and leaves no trace in the human body." "Velveeta?" -Coleman/Crow. "Personal effects make me happy." -Joel (as police chief). "Point zero-zero-FORE!" -Joel. "Remind your engineers to use coasters on me." -Crow (as the Table). "Two healthy students suddenly die of heart failure--" "Oh! I've heard this one..." -Comfort/Tom Servo. 505 The Magic Voyage of Sinbad "And I shall be there... bringing you my golden fish." "Oh, wowwww..." -Morgiana/Joel. "Cavorting really makes you lose your electrolytes." -Joel. "Eehhhh... Could you catch another fish, please?..." -Joel (as some Prole). "Gentlemen! Ours is a society based on ancient traditions!" "Really? I thought we just sold each other fish." -Tom Servo/Crow. "Have you got the bird of happiness?" "Well, we've got a pretty friendly chicken..." -Sinbad/Crow (as Viking chief). "He just brought the level of discourse *way* down." -Tom Servo. "He's not Sinbad..." -Crow. "Hey! I'm sacred; leave me alone." -Joel (as a Cow). "If you find a melody, Sinbad, hop on..." -Joel. "I know all about your Luberia." "Hey! That cleared up." -Morgiana/Crow (as Sinbad). "I'm not worried about it; my name's in the title." -Joel (as Sinbad). "Is this really the best away team he could have chosen?" -Crow. "It seems as though my doom is imminent. So -- How are you?" -Crow. "Let me explain it to you one more time: No." -Crow (as Sinbad). "Man... I never knew Arabia was so *Russian*." -Joel. "Sadly, Sinbad wandered to the edge of the enchanted sea..." "...and had a magic B.M." -Narrator/Tom Servo (as Narrator). "'Santa bites the bishop'??" -Tom Servo. "Shame fuels the economy!" -Dr. Forrester. "Sir... Sir, we may be underwater, but we still have standards." -Crow. "Sounds like God picked up some extra bucks doing voice-overs." -Joel. "Take it to the bridge, Sinbad!... Drop it in the water..." -Crow. "That bear has Hammer-pants on!" -Joel. "This is how they selected the jury for the Rodney King trial." -Crow. "Uh oh -- I broke him..." -Crow. "Use *your own* magic bird!" -Tom Servo (as Sinbad). "What fresh hell is this?" -Crow. "Why, in God's name, is Sinbad tax-exempt??" -Tom Servo. "You guys were shameful *before* he got here." -Crow. "You know what this is, don't you? It's fear of a short red planet is what it is!!" -Tom Servo. 506 Eegah! "Do you think we'll freeze to death before the jackals get us?" -**. "He's surrounded by adoring housewives!" -**. "Hey, did I tell you my tires are filled with water?... ... My tires are filled with water." -Joel (as Arch Hall, Jr.). "Honey, why do we have an oven in the living room?" -**. "Honk if you love Eegah!" -**. "Is something wrong, Mr. Miller?" "Sit down, pie-face, it's a long list..." -Arch Hall, Jr./** (as Mr. Miller). "It's swell for tearing up fragile ecosystems -- Watch!" -** (as Arch Hall, Jr.). "Looks like it hurts to be him." -Joel. "Oh, I know I'm being punished for something... What have I done??... I DIDN'T ASK TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!" -Tom Servo. "Stop saying 'whee!' Nobody says 'whee!'." -Tom Servo. "That's a strange thing to wield." -**. "The oldest cliche in the movies -- 'they're doomed'." -**. "Watch out for snakes!" -Disembodied Voice. 507 I Accuse My Parents (The Truck Farmer) "Can I show you something in a size *me*?" -Crow (as Jimmy). "Here in Texas, there is an additional problem --" "-- Texans!" - Narrator/Crow. "I accuse her hair!" -Crow. "I know how toast works..." -Tom Servo (as Jimmy). "I'm gonna build a blimp and fight the Nazis!" -**. "I'm thinkin' of tellin' my wife I love her... ... ... NAHHHH!!!" -Crow (as the Truck Farmer). "I went and liberated France while you were dancing." -Crow (as Jimmy). "Joel, why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?" -Crow. "Joel, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR MENU!!" -Tom Servo. "Let's strip him!" -Crow (as Shirley). "--the hell?!? Tom Servo, you're naked!" -Joel. 508 Operation Double 007 "All I know is that in this outfit I feel like a total femme. And you know what? I don't have a problem with it!" -Tom Servo. "Alternate vibrators inserted..." "Hey!! You can't say that!" -Technician/Crow. "Do I have enough time to beat up the band?" -Crow (as Neil Connery). "Good god I'm ugly. Scared my own children out of the nursery today." -Crow (as Alpha). "Human Cleaners -- We'll clean your humans overnight!" -Crow. "I just want to be Bavarian for one brief, shining moment! Is that so wrong?!" -TV's Frank. "'I like you. Do you like me? -Signed, The Minister of Health.'..." -Joel (as Neil Connery). "I think I had her in the eighth grade." -Crow. "I woke up, you weren't there, I *hate* that!" -Tom Servo (as the Old Spice guy). et al. "MaY i uSE yOuR BatHroOM?" -Torgo. "No, my doctor says I can't have Mr. Pibb!" -TV's Frank. "Now Michael Jackson's journey is complete..." -**. "Oh -- See, gays in the military, right there." -Joel. "Prepare to meet Kali's brother -- near hell!!" -Tom Servo (as Thayer). "Thanks for the all-clear, Moneypenny." -Crow (as Ward). "The remaining monkey brains have been reduced to $1.99." -Crow (as **). "We just came to beat everybody up, we're leaving now! Thanks!" -Crow (as the Old Spice guy). "Whatever can I do to make it up to you?" "Uh... paint my house?" -Maya/Crow (as Neil Connery). "You're dressed as a space-angel. Why?" -Joel (as Neil Connery). 509 The Girl in Lovers' Lane "Big, should I have not put my head in the driver's lap? Was that wrong?" -Crow (as Danny). "Did his head just turn into a big sucker?" -Tom Servo. "He does look like an easy target for thugs. Hell, *I'd* like to beat him up." -Crow. "Hey -- my eye went straight! Thanks!" -Joel (as Jack Elam). "How about that guy I groined in the knee?" -Tom Servo (as Danny). "I'll give you ten dollars every time you don't hit me." -Crow (as Danny). "Joel, when I grow up I wanna be a DRIFTER!" -Crow. "Look, why don't I save you the trouble and just give *these* guys the money?" -Joel (as cashier in pool-hall). "No, I'm saving myself for the right oily drifter." -Joel (as Carrie (she's so very)). "Now, I envision Big Stupid as pure energy..." -TV's Frank. "Oh, boy, this is gonna be dark..." -TV's Frank. "Oh, this is a great date. I've always wanted to be nuzzled by a hobo." -Joel (as Carrie). "Once again, Big has saved Danny from a heterosexual experience." -Joel. "Pa doesn't know very much about girls' clothes." "There's so much you could say to that." -Carrie/Crow. "Pervert-Burger!" -Crow (as Jack Elam). "She's a prostitute. You can't really shame her, okay?" -Joel. "Tell me all about yourself." "Well, I don't have any bones, I'm all cartilage..." -Sadie/Tom Servo (as Danny). "That was one weird-ass movie." -Tom Servo. "The first 10,000 lucky kids get slide whistles, and the second 10,000 lucky kids get real brass knuckles. Then, the first 10,000 lucky kids become unlucky..." -Dr. Forrester. "Uh, camera three get off the track... Camera three -- OH DEAR GOD!!!" -Crow. "What I'm gonna do, see, is kill *you*, and strap you around *my* body for armor..." -Tom Servo (as Big Stupid). 510 Lassie: The Painted Hills (Body Care and Grooming) "...An entire day spent grooming." -Joel (as Narrator). "Arf-keeba!... Gym-collie!..." -Joel (as Lassie). "Book of Me, Chapter 4, Verse 12..." -Joel (as Pile-On Pete). "Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everyone else." -Crow (as the well-groomed guy). "Expressing individualism is just plain wrong!" -Crow (as the Narrator). "Grooming is between you and the lord God." -Crow (as the Narrator). "Guys, this couldn't be lamer." -Tom Servo. "Hey, everybody, Tommy's in there crying like a little girl!" -Joel (as Jonathan). "Hi! I'm Moisty, the national spokesman for sweat!" -Tom Servo (as sweaty athlete). "His head just doesn't have the structural support for that hair." -Crow. "I'm a *dog*! I can't process this much information at once!" -Joel (as Lassie). "Look -- Bigfoot, putting on a blazer!" -Crow. "Matthew 6:19 at the half... heh heh, little preacher joke." -Tom Servo (as Pile-On Pete). "Oh, there she is -- about 200 yards. You could make it with iron sights, but you'll want to use a scope, Crow..." -Tom Servo. "'Pile-On Pete'??" -Joel. "Remember last week, when he was alive? Well, that didn't last..." -Joel (as Taylor). "She's looking right at his throat..." -Crow. "So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, then leaves??" -Crow. "Thank you for extruding me." -Crow. "Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography..." -Crow. "We just took your libido and starched and pressed it." -Crow (as the Narrator). "Would this be a bad time to bring up Snausages?" -Joel (as Lassie). "You know, people were whiter back then." -Joel. 511 Gunslinger "Boy, it's really *blue* out today..." -Crow. "Come in -- er, out...???" -Joel (as Kane Merow). "Do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure -- we all do!..." -Dr. Forrester. "He shoulda slid him *across* the bar." "That hadn't been invented yet." -Joel/Tom Servo. "Hey, my sammich is whole again! Cool!" -Crow. "I like Wade, he's just not a dancer." -Tom Servo (as some guy). et al. "Neat. Dark specter in basic black." -Tom Servo. "That's right; it's nature's own wiffle." -Crow. "That's what I want -- mummified and next to Stalin." -Crow. "This movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it." -Joel. 512 Mitchell "Any movie with 'wok-a-chicka wok-a-chicka' in it is okay by me!" -Tom Servo. "Booze and I are buying a house together, we're going to move in." -Joel (as Mitchell). "Frank, my towel and your hinder have an appointment." -Dr. Forrester. "Hey!" "What?" *BANG!* "Oh!" -John Saxon/Joel (as 'Johnny Mathis'). "It's the maritime equivalent of rock climbing." -**. "MITCHELL!!" -All. "Mitchell... Even his name says, 'Is that a beer?'" -Joel. "My my my my MY GOD!!!" -Crow. "This makes _Driving Miss Daisy_ look like _Bullitt_!" -**. "Well, she was gonna smell like a beer sooner or later." -**. "Well, you're rich and white, I don't see a problem..." -** (as a Cop). "What, are you kidding?? We're on a spaceship! This place is *crawling* with toothpicks!" -Joel. "Why would anyone want to *do* this with Mitchell, Joel??" -**. "Word on the street is, you're a jerk." -**. "You don't have to be a pig for the rest of your life, Mitchell." "Well, I kinda *do*..." -**/** (as Mitchell). "You know, it's about this time in any killing spree that you really ought to turn the gun on yourself." -Tom Servo. 513 The Brain that Wouldn't Die "And, with that cryptic comment, I'm going to bed." -Mike (as Dr. Courtner). "Guys, that's not cheese..." -Gypsy. "He'll either win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy." -Crow. "Help I'm in another dimension!!..." -Crow (as Dr. Courtner). "Ho there!" -Tom Servo. #513-. (Robot Roll Call.) "If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's..." -Mike. "I'm not ready!" -Gypsy. #513- (Robot Roll Call.) "*I'm* your mother now, Frank." -Dr. Forrester. "Just a normal Tuesday for Cher..." -Mike. "Maybe he's just in there building a shelf?" -Crow. "Meanwhile, at Kurt Cobain's house..." -Tom Servo. "'Mike' is a very nice name." -Gypsy. "Oh, as if *you're* the only person who ever got their head cut off. Quit whining!" -Tom Servo. "Oh, pleeeease, Laurel Records! Let us use "The Web"! C'mon!" -Crow. "Show yourself!" -Cambot. #513-. (Robot Roll Call.) "That's one 'o'!" -Crow. #513-. (Robot Roll Call.) "This dance represents that there are no baked potatoes until after five." -Mike (as Dancer). "...Well, at least there are some cocktails in this dimension..." -Tom Servo. "Well, I'd better be going. It's been sleazy and all, but, uh..." -Crow (as Dr. Courtner). "You're listening to KPORN -- sleazy, slutty music all morning long..." -Tom Servo (as radio DJ). 514 Teenage Strangler (Is This Love?) "And I didn't steal no bike, neither!" -Mikey. "I think I'm a hermaphrodite!" -** (as Mikey). "Oh, don't invoke Jupiter..." -Mike. 515 Wild, Wild World of Bat Woman (Cheating) "A Centron production -- although we got the idea from another company, because we're cheating! Thank you!" -Crow. "A lot of villains aren't bold enough to wear clamdiggers." -Mike. "Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart is good." -Gypsy. (Also attributed to Crow. :) "He copied my frigging paper!!!" -Gypsy. "I have no clue what you're talking about, but I'm profoundly devastated." -Tom Servo (as Flannigan). "I have the feeling *Satan* would regret making this movie." -Mike. "I shun you version 3.0 for Windows!" -Tom Servo. "It's fun when it's fun!" -Mike. "It's like we're smart, but we're not!" -Tom Servo (as a Bat Girl). "Mother Theresa called... She hates you." -Crow. "Oh, god... I was gonna get through this movie without thinking about his hips, and now *this*!..." -Mike. "Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further." -Crow. "She's got a frontal bike-rack!" -Crow. "So, there's a subplot about a horseshoe, then?..." -Crow. "That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound butt capacity pants!" -Mike. "They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'mix' button!" -Crow. "This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub." -Tom Servo (as Miss Grandy). "This is like a Mentos ad!" -Mike. "To me, that leash screams 'unhealthy relationship'." -Crow. "What's in it for us? --and by 'us' I mean 'me'." -Crow. "Would you like some -- SOUP?" -Crow. "...yeah the Devil made this movie for you..." -Mike. "Yes, yes, but what does it *mean*??" -Tom Servo. "You know a movie is bad bad BAD if it makes The Monkees look good!" -Crow. "You know, that may not really be Chinese." -Tom Servo. 516 Alien From L.A. "Actually, the Atlanteans are very supportive of referendum bond issues so the highways will be --" "SHUT UP!!" -Crow/Tom Servo. "And the answer is -- dull surprise!" -Crow. "Boy, it's *blue* in Egypt. Bluer than I remember." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Saknussem). "Did I mention I'm Austr-eye-lian?" -Tom Servo (as Gus). "How about you bite me twice?" -Mike (as Kathy Ireland). "I'd slap this movie if I could." -Tom Servo. "I hope I look all right for my meeting with the Sun God..." -Crow (as Dr. Saknussem). "I see you've decided to go psycho. Godspeed." -Dr. Forrester. "Mother Theresa, please hold, *Kathy's* on line one..." -Crow (as God). "Now, you see, this is irresponsible. They're encouraging people to go out and drug Kathy Ireland." -Mike. "Oh, pooh -- I'm in the pit of Hell." -Tom Servo (as Kathy Ireland). "See, *this* should have a brain in it." -Mike (as Robbie). "Teat teat teat teat teat teat..." -Crow and Tom Servo. "We are not *murderers*!" "Sir? Uh, actually, we are." -Crassus/Mike (as some guy in a hardhat). "We're just not right for each other -- I mean, *I'm* right, but *you're* not." -Crow (as Robbie). "Y'know, in Austr-eye-lia my voice is as annoying as yours." -Crow (as Gus). 517 Beginning of the End "Guys, this is so not-Illinois." -Mike. "He just polygraphed a sandwich! He needs real help!" -Mike. "Hello. Bug lab." -Crow (as Peter Graves). "I'd really like to see you rub your forearms together." -Crow (as Peter Graves). "If you could see my hands right now, you'd be horrified." -Tom Servo (as Peter Graves). "Is that car in your area?" "I beg your pardon!!" -Police Dispatcher/Crow (as MacKenzie). "Okay, okay, you can have your raise!" -Crow (as Peter Graves). "She's got her radio tuned to the Marching Band Station." -Mike. "The name is *Jeffrey*, I happen to be *in* a helicopter." -Crow (as Helicopter Pilot). "They're not gonna let us drop the bomb! Don't answer it!" -Crow (as Bomber Pilot). "This is where you step back and say, 'Thank God for my exoskeleton!'" -Crow (as Grasshoper). "Wait, this isn't a stick shift -- AAHHHGHGH!" -Mike (as Audrey Ames). "Well, Todd thinks it's okay..." -Tom Servo. "We've got to get organized! We should not be losing to *grasshoppers*, people!" -Mike (as a Soldier). "You know, when I was a boy, we didn't *have* fast movies. Sometimes, we had to wait three or four *hours* for something to happen!" -Mike. 518 Atomic Brain (What About Juvenile Delinquency) "I'll stay here and supervise the zombie." -Tom Servo (as Victor). "I'm a practical woman, Dr. Frank. Now: Lop my head off!" -Crow (as Mrs. March). "The 'K' stands for 'Karl'. Karl was the man who invented lightning." -Tom Servo. "Time elapsed. Just take our word for it." -Tom Servo. "When you get close to an accent, let us know." -Crow. 519 Outlaw "'...don't want to be pleasured by the slave girl'... What was I *thinking*?!?" -Crow (as Cabot). "Get out of here -- you disgusting *worrrrrm*!!" -Lara. "_Honey, I Shrunk the Nelson_." -Crow. "I crap bigger than this movie..." -Crow (as Jack Palance). "It's Dr. Freud's office!" -Crow. "Mmmm... Dove bars. I love 'em no matter what dimension I'm in!" -Mike (as Cabot). "She feels for me, and I feel for her, and we're free to express it..." "--*naked*." -Cabot/Crow (as Cabot). "Tonight we have a very special vintage -- nineteen *me*!" -Tom Servo (as Marlenus). "We've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to *you*!" -TV's Frank. "Yeah -- It's fun until somebody *dies*!!" -Gypsy. 520 Radar Secret Service (Last Clear Chance) "Forty percent of all traffic accidents are caused by women's hinders!" -Crow. "His face makes no sense." -Crow. "I have the feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines." -**. "--It has no time to stop for you corn-shucking crackers!" -Mike (as Narrator). "It's like they weren't even sure they were filming a chase scene!" -**. "It's not better than *radar*, is it?!" -**. "Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt-cheeks." -** (as Narrator). "Only *radar* knows what the hell is going on..." -Mike. "Trains are blameless, holy creatures..." -Mike (as Narrator). "Why don't they look?" -Railroad Engineer. 521 Santa Claus "Ah, the classic battle between Evil and -- the narrator." -Crow. "A pentagram, and reindeer laughing. You figure it out." -Tom Servo. "Brass monkeys, Frank, brass monkeys..." -Dr. Forrester. "'Dear Santa Claus: Please bring me a little brother.' Oh ho ho ho! Can do! Can do!" -Crow (as Santa Claus). "Don't you *ever* do that again!!" -Mike. "El Santa flew 23 missions over North Korea!" -Tom Servo. "He enjoys pantaloons more than he should." -Mike. "_Home Alone 3: The Quickening_." -Mike. "I'm here to eat candy canes and kick ass, and I'm all out of candy canes!" -Krusher Kringle. "It's an oscillating fan with an ear attached -- *period*." -Crow. "Oh -- I forgot France! Oh, well..." -Mike (as Santa). "Oh, I suppose *Hell* got an NEA grant." -Mike. "Okay, we're gonna whack Santa, he's muscling in on the Easter Bunny's turf..." -Tom Servo (as Italian kid). "Santa's doing the forbidden dance!" -Crow. "Think it's really a good idea to jingle *all* the way?" -Tom Servo. "Well *this* is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel." -Crow. "WOULD YOU SHUT THE BLOODY ORGAN GRINDER UP!!" -Crow. "You can't be in our club, Satan!" -Crow (as Mexican kid). 522 Teenage Crimewave "At this point it's more of a Teenage Crime *Ripple*." -Crow. "Eww! He's really moist!" -Tom Servo (as Terri). "I don't mean to rush you, ma'am, but is this death going to take long?" -Tom Servo(as a Cop). "Nice hinder, son." "Thanks, dad." "I meant the girl!!!" -Tom Servo (as Tom Grant)/Crow (as Ben). "Oh, Nelson. So close and yet so not." -Dr. Forrester. "Society didn't give me enough bullets!" -Tom Servo (as Mike). "Somewhere, a deer is smiling." -Mike. "Thank god we have RADAR!" -Mike (as police captain). et al. "That guy's not even sexual enough to be a femme." -Mike. "Thelma and Louise and -- Steve." -Mike. "'...tied his ass to the tree...' Heh heh heh. Love that." -Tom Servo (as Tom Grant). "Yeah, just remember, Mike: If push came to shove, I could take ya!" -Gypsy. "You're our most dangerous friend." -Mike (as Ben). "You want to unpack that one for me, son?" -Tom Servo (as Tom Grant). 523 Village of the Giants "At this point, what's inappropriate?" -Crow. "By this time my son's lungs were aching for air." -Crow (as Lloyd Bridges). "Chicks love big ducks, let's face it." -Crow. "Don't give me that 'Woof!' crap! I want an answer!" -Crow (as Genius). "First base is LARGER than I remember!" -Mike (as that guy in the cowboy hat). "First rule: No theme music." -Dr. Forrester. "I hope they eat *him* first." -Crow. "I reject Tommy Kirk and all his works." -Crow. "Just think -- now that girl looks like leather, smells like Marlboros and Giorgio, and makes her grandchildren call her by her first name." -Mike. "Look, free breast rides and we'll waive the membership fees." -Mike (as Beau Bridges). "Mom! No!! She's putting out for a nickel! ... I have no mother..." -Tom Servo. "Most of the town didn't have a problem with the Giant Regime..." -Mike. "Oh -- I didn't grow proportionately!!" -Mike (as Pete). "Okay, sheriff, we've given your idea a lot of thought and -- we've decided to step on you." -Tom Servo (as Beau Bridges). "Okay, show of hands: Who wet 'em?" -Mike (as the Sheriff). "Painful, yes, but I've got to think of the greater Me." -Dr. Forrester. "So far, there's not thing one wrong with this movie!" -Crow. "Take me, you savage mousketeer!" -Crow (as Nancy). "Thanks for providing the transition." -Tom Servo. "To him it's kind of a sexy puppet show." -Tom Servo. "Tommy Kirk discussing 'goo' makes me very uncomfortable..." -Tom Servo. "What sins could a duck commit in a single lifetime?" -Crow (as a Giant Duck). "You'll start immediately, you'll work 24 hours a day, you'll live on the premises in a 3-by-3 closet, and you'll be paid in skunk pelts." -Dr. Forrester. 524 12 to the Moon (Design for Dreaming) "Can I eat you when you die?" -Crow (as the Moon Puppy). "Conspicuous consumption makes our love stronger." -**. "Do me a favor, Frank. Take these oranges and wrap them in this towel..." -Dr. Forrester. "I have named it! It's called *Me*-ite!" -**. "I kinda feel bad about our passions of conquest." -**. "I'm turning on my invisible electromagnetic ray screen. Even *I* don't buy it." -**. "There's no steam in a vacuum!" -Tom Servo. "You know, you can only apply one-sixth the tongue on the moon." -Crow. SEASON 6 601 Girls Town "Frank, I'll give you three seconds to stop licking my face." "Count slow..." -Dr. Forrester/TV's Frank. "Go bingle your bongle!" -Mamie van Doren. "How about some fresh sliced *me*?" -Crow (as Bakery Driver). "I'm *mental*, not *stupid*!" -Tom Servo (as Seraphina). "Is science supposed to smell like banana creme?" -TV's Frank. "Probation isn't a right, it's a privilege." "Like stretch pants." -Probation Officer/Crow. "She's dressed like Minnie Mouse, only many times HOTTER!" -Tom Servo. "Uh oh -- Romulans." -Mike. 602 Invasion U.S.A. (Date With Your Family) "And when you pledge to the Soviet Union, you get this nifty tote bag!" -Tom Servo. "Did they mug David L. Wolper or something?" -Tom Servo. "Emotions are for ethnic people." -Crow (as the Narrator). "He's always bragging about his huge stocks." -Mike. "I'm torn between mourning my boyfriend and subscribing to Marxist dogma." -Tom Servo (as Carla). "I never realized the Russian army would have chaperones." -Tom Servo. "It's the most feared geography teacher of Central High!" -Crow. "This is it. The final game of the world series. And we're the Mariners." -Tom Servo (as Ed Mulberry). "Will somebody *please* invade something!!" -Tom Servo. "You know what the fellow says -- drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die!" "It's not that funny when it's *true*, Ed." -Guy in Bar/Crow (as another Guy in Bar). 603 The Dead Talk Back (Selling Wizard) "A gut-shot model will often hide in the woods for up to three hours..." -Crow. "In all my years on the force, I don't think I've ever seen a more vicious murder. *God* I love my job!" -Tom Servo (as Lt. Lewis). "In this all-purpose two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23 cubic foot storage capacity--" "--bodies stack easily." -Narrator/Mike (as Narrator). "It's the pizza dominatrix!" -Tom Servo. "NC-17 -- fifties style..." -Crow. "Oh, fine. Everyone pick on the Devil." -Mike. "The problem of communicating with the departed--" "--is that they're dead." -Krasker/Tom Servo (as Krasker). "This balance of power keeps ice cream in check." -Mike (as Narrator). "This freezer RULES!" -Mike. "Through this maximum glass-area front, across the narrow rail, and through the wider sales-design top opening..." "To grandmother's house we go!" -Narrator/Tom Servo. "Uh, can we get back to our bleak, meaningless lives please?" -Tom Servo (as Kreuger). "Uh, the Dead, could you turn your radio down please?" -Tom Servo (as Krasker). "Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza in that time?" -Crow (as Renee). "You can't hold a man, or convict him, because he buys a new pair of shoes. That's the whole basis of our judicial system!" -Crow (as Lt. Lewis). "You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle." -Mike (as Lt. Lewis). 604 Zombie Nightmare 605 Colossus and the Headhunters "Aaaagh!" -The Headhunters. "And then what happened?" -Colossus. "Do *you* know? Do *you* know who did it?" -Crow (as Kermie). "Geez... they washed up at a Klingon language camp." -Tom Servo. "I'm on the verge of despair again!" -Tom Servo (as Ariel). "Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?" -Crow. "Kids! No weapons on the waterbed!" -Tom Servo. "Now *this* will anger the gods." -Tom Servo. "So... apparently, the director has a girlfriend." -Mike. "Soon I will become King of the Urias. Who wants pancakes?" -Mike (as Kermie). "The gods were supposed to help me move last weekend!!" -Tom Servo (as Ariel). "Well, it looks like the fish got a new Pope." -Tom Servo. "Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what *is* it??" -Mike. 606 The Creeping Terror "Bobby's hopelessly inbred synapses slowly begin to fire..." -Mike (as the Narrator). "Cyanide goes to my hips." -Mike. "Even the A-V Club laughs at these guys." -Mike. "How many shots of gauges do you need in any one movie?!" "You can *never* have enough." -Tom Servo/Mike. "If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography -- *this* would be it." -Tom Servo. "It's a federal law to keep your monster in a car seat." -Tom Servo. "Let's see. Stick... sharpened... ... GRANDPA!" -Mike (as Bobby). "Okay, guys. Don't frag me again." -Tom Servo (as Col. Caldwell). "Sorry, folks. Should've told you about the subplot. It even caught me, the narrator, off guard." -Mike (as the Narrator). "There are times when a man needs the touch of a llama." -Crow (as Dr. Bradford). "They were part of the second line of defense." "--also known as 'dessert'." -Narrator/Crow. "This might be rather cynical on my part, but I put it to you that that is the same monster." -Crow. "You can see why the British invasion was so *easy*!" -Mike. 607 Bloodlust (Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm) "If, earlier, he had said, 'I'll never be impaled on my own rack', *then* this would have been ironic. But..." -Mike. "I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'!" -Gypsy. "Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver!" -Crow. "Mmmm... your lips are like crisp, delicious bacon..." -Tom Servo (as Dean). "You see, when lackeys turn on their masters they become bulletproof." -Tom Servo. 608 Code Name: Diamond Head (A Day at the Fair) "Ah, the gripping 'luggage sequence'." "I'm not gonna tell you what happens. I'm just gonna say, someone's luggage gets lost." -Tom Servo/Crow. "He's got a figure like Marcia Brady." -Crow. "Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims." -Crow (as Narrator). "Let me guess. The last words in this movie are gonna be 'Ahahahahahaha!'" -Tom Servo. "Looks like Daddy-O's apartment -- except for the big-ass phone." -Tom Servo. "Scientists aren't sure what this represents." -Mike (as Narrator). "Spoken like a true fart." -Tom Servo (as Diamond Head). "Thank god methane rises!" -Crow. "This is too nice a place for a deadly game of cat-and-mouse." -Mike. "Uh, is that poison gas part of the presentation?" -Crow. "*We're* your 'Friends and Family' now!" -Tom Servo (as Sakai). "What the hell does that mean. Over." -Mike (as CIA telephone operator). "You know, in retrospect, the luggage scene was really fascinating." -Tom Servo. 609 The Skydivers (Why Study the Industrial Arts?) "A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, then leaves." -Crow. "Even the *soundtrack* is making coffee!" -Tom Servo. "Frolicking has never been so depressing." -Crow. "Heck of a lot of glancing going on here..." -Tom Servo. "Here's a tip: Don't buy the Tommy Kirk Workout Video." -Mike. "He's like an idiot savant -- minus the savant." -Crow. "I care deeply about them as characters." -Tom Servo. "I feel like a cheeseburger. Would you go make love to the guy at the Jack-in-the-Box?" -Mike (as Frankie). "I predict that in the climactic finale, she jumps without a chute, and then her *hair* opens up." -Mike. "They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man." -Crow. 610 The Violent Years (A Young Man's Fancy) "All the fats are numbing my emotions." -Tom Servo (as Judy). "Am I *out of* 'Reba'? Do I *need* more 'Reba'?" "Or *any* 'Wynona'?" -Tom Servo/Crow. "And you want to *study* this??" -Tom Servo (as Judy). "Another right turn! Those fiends!" -Tom Servo. "Dr. Forrester has sent us a TRULY great movie!!" -Crow. "Eleven dollars went a long way back then." -Crow. "Food?!? Is that all you can think of at a time like this?!" "You mean, lunchtime?" -Judy/Crow (as George). "I'm squishy and I need to move on it!" -Mike (as Judy). "I will not tell a lie. God, my teeth hurt! Thank you! " -Tom Servo (as George Washington). "Pajamas, jazz, and communism. This is WILD!!" -Crow. "See you when I can. Is that vague enough for you?" -Crow (as Mr. Parkins). "Society owes me a Kit-Kat bar!" -Tom Servo (as Paula). "So many children in needy families. Really bugs me." -Mike (as Mrs. Parkins). "Standard sitcom joke landing on runway seven..." -Crow. "Their answer is summed up in two callous words:--" "'Bor-ing'." -Judge Clara/Crow. "There is an audible thud every time he tells a joke." -Crow. "This is my Own Private Idaho Potato." -Mike (as Keanu Reeves). "Uh oh! She's getting squishy!..." -Tom Servo. "Wynona!" -TV's Frank. "You know, a federal indictment may prove difficult to overcome in the student elections." -Tom Servo. "You'll eat at 6:30, and your dinner takes an hour and a half to cook. The Nazis will be on you by then." -Crow (as Mrs. Adams). 611 Last of the Wild Horses "Come here and let me make a *man* out of you, Captain Servo." -Gypsy. "Double C-men?" -Tom Servo. "Gypsy?" "Not evil!" Mike/Gypsy. "I mean, they're all evil and stuff." -Gypsy. "Johnny Pooper, the number 2 badman in the West." -Crow. "Remedy, soon to be known as Malpractice." -Crow. "You rarely see a good facial whipping." -Dr. F. 612 The Starfighters 613 The Sinister Urge (Keeping Clean and Neat) 614 San Francisco International 615 Kitten With a Whip 616 Racket Girls (Are You Ready for Marriage?) 617 Sword and the Dragon 618 High School Bigshot (Out of this World) 619 Red Zone Cuba (Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance) 620 Danger! Death Ray! 621 The Beast of Yucca Flats (Money Talks!/Progress Island) 622 Angels Revenge "Alright, let's get a real actor in here!" "Uh, that would blow the budget, sir!" -director/Tom Servo. "Hey, don't beat him up too much." "He's our only customer." -boss/Mike "Hey, teach!" "Hey, Chong!" -Trish/Mike. "I don't have any lines." "But you get to wear slinky dresses and carry guns and stuff." "Not this sister!" -Gypsy/Crow/Gypsy. "It's a wonton, unauthorized bris." –Crow. "It's the T&A Team!" –Crow. "No one deserves a beating like that." "Pauly Shore does." -April/Tom Servo. "Oh no! Is he alright? Oh no!" "He is alright." -Michelle/Crow. "Oil can! Oil can!" –Mike. "This is Jim Backus' first role after he died." -Crow. "Where did you get such a nice lookin' machine?" "Hey, Cheech-man!" -Sticks/Crow. "You're listening to K-PLOT!" –Crow. 623 The Amazing Transparent Man (The Days of Our Years) 624 Samson vs. the Vampire Women "Always be yourself and wave your freak flag high." -TV's Frank. "Go El Santo, go El Santo, go El Santo go!" -All. "In short, yes, we have second bananas." -Torgo the White. "I wonder if there are vegetarian vampires." -Crow. "Mexico could really use a Martha Stewart." -Crow. "The International Fight-Like-A-Girl Championship." -Crow. "Who will I kill?" -Dr. Forrester. "You have been summoned to a place beyond this earth, a place beyond your understanding, a place filled with happiness and love, safety and happiness for all eternity. A trusted friend will accompany you to this other plane of existence. Watch for the signs my friend. Godspeed and good luck. What a crappy fortune!" -TV's Frank. "You will die alone and afraid, knowing not a single human being ever loved you. Luck numbers 3, 18, 80...it's weird. I keep getting the same one." -Dr. Forrester. MST3K: The Movie "I'm a naughty boy! Naughty, naughty, naughty!" -Dr. Forrester. "When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...oh." -Tom Servo. "Hey, his legs are sticking out!" -Crow. "I have no control." "I keep eating and eating." -Cal/Mike (as Cal). "Early LSD tests in the Air Force." -Tom Servo. "This is a job for Weenie Man!" -Crow (as Joe). "All that ringing. Now we know what the world sounds like to Pete Townsend." -Tom Servo. "Until we find out what happened, all three of us are blind." "I'll go poke Webb's eyes out." -Cal/Crow (as Joe). "Wow, that's one hell of a viewmaster!" -Crow. "The secret government Eggo project." -Crow. "Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around." - Crow (as Cal). "Sort this, deliver that. I'll make them all pay!" -Mike (as postman). "Hey, Miss Interoceter." -Mike (as Cal). "Here's something my wife could use around the house." "A man?" -Joe/ Crow. "Cal, you bitch!" -Tom Servo. "*crunch* 485 sir!" -Crow (as Joe). "Industry, science and technology." "Big men putting screwdrivers into things, turning them and adjusting them!" -Crow/Tom Servo. "Snapples caps off of any size jug, bottle or jar, and it really, really works." -Crow. "You know what my kids would say..." "You're not my real father!" -Joe/ Tom Servo (as Joe). "It's the Amazing Technicolor Cheese Wedge!" -Tom Servo. "No way! This is your dishwashing liquid, you soak in it!" -Gypsy. "Mike broke the Hubble!" -Tom Servo and Crow. "Hey, it's a moth equipped with a lightning bug!" -Tom Servo. "Joe, watch out for the prop, Joe! *thunk thunk thunk*" -Tom Servo. "I'm your pilot, Claude Rains, you co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit." -Tom Servo. "You're being kidnapped by the Lite FM." -Mike. "There are two woodies in this scene!" -Crow. "Shrinky-dink, remember?" -Crow. "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest, but I'm not an alien!" -Tom Servo (as Exetor). "Yeah, let's slip away under cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county." -Mike. "Now it's time for the Brak Show! It's the Brak Show, starring me, I'm Brak!" -Tom Servo (as Brak). "So they worship the everlasting gobstopper?" -Tom Servo. "Well, I never Metaluna I didn't like." -Mike (as Cal). "I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!" -Dr. Forrester. "We're hickory curing them." -Mike (as Exetor). "They're magnetized." "And if your hands were metal, that would mean something." -Exetor/Mike (as Exetor). "Hey, big Swedish underarm crystal." -Mike. "My contents have shifted!" -Tom Servo (as Ruth). "Well, the tangerine dream music is good." -Mike. "Now you're playing Simon!" -Tom Servo. "Ew, it's Michael Stipe's head!" -Crow. "Normal view, normal view, normal view, NORMAL VIEW!" -All. "Hey, they're landing in Tommy Chong's backyard." -Tom Servo. "It looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet." -Crow. "Dr. Adams, Dr. Meechum." "Glad to Meechum." -Exetor/Crow (as Cal). "Now I swear we parked in level C right next to...oh sh*t." -Tom Servo. "Oh, I'm very vulnerable there! There go the piano lessons. Ow, I can't remember my dad! Ow!" -Crow (as a mutant). "Oh no! Tinkerbell's going down! Pull up, Tink!" -Crow. "Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!" -Tom Servo (as mutant). "Self-cleaning mutant. Leaves only the fresh scent of pine." -Tom Servo. "A giant flaming hat was seen over the coast tonight." -Crow. "We're just having a little Metaluna Mixer." -Mike. "I'm just like one of your insects, larger of course!" -Tom Servo. "It's the Amazing Rando!" -Mike. et al. SEASON 7 701 Night of the Blood Beast (Once Upon a Honeymoon) 702 The Brute Man (Chicken of Tomorrow) "Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there?" -Tom Servo. "Captain M.J. Donnally doesn't do it for a superhero." -Tom Servo. "Creeper, creeper, creeper-you give me the creeps!" -Grocery store owner. "Crow?" "You shall live." "Thank you." -Gypsy/Crow/Gypsy. "Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them." -Crow. "None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required." -Crow. "Rocks move faster than this guy." -Tom Servo. "She can't resist the great smell of Brute Man." -Crow. "Wait a minute...men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is going on here?" -Mike. "Weathered bitch." -Tom Servo (as grocery store owner). 703 Deathstalker & the Warriors from Hell 704 The Incredible Melting Man 705 Escape 2000 (Contributed by zmaturin) "Don't worry, Nelson, there's still my nude celebrity trap shoot! Pull! Heh- heh!" -Dr. F. "Every successful television show has had a winsome child of some sort. Take your Family Affairs, your Full Houses, you're the Avengers" -Dr. F. "Formerly Dan's Diaper Service. Now, the Annihilation Squad!" -Mike. "Gary saw a silver fish!" -Crow. "He died as he died...dead." -Mike. "Henry Silva provided by Rent-a-Silva" -Crow. "He took out Horshack!" -Tom Servo. "Hey, I had the radio on, I didn't hear, am I supposed to leave the Bronx?" -Mike. "I am gonna take the crap out of this picture!" -Tom Servo (as the 'If they see us, we've had it' guy). "I'll show 'em who's piddle! I'll bring this cathedral down with one blow of my hammer!" -Crow (as Gov. Piddle). "Is that true? Do you suck?" -Mike (as reporter). "It's for the really, um, sad kids with...hurt puppies..." -Crow. "It's Trash! We've got him! He's a sitting duck! A-woo-hoo!" -'Professional' helicopter pilot. "It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. He was wearing his coveralls, he was nothin' but a bag of blood." -Mike. "Let me correct you, Mr. Clarke. I'm worse than anybody." "'Cept for that one guy, he was really worse" -Henry Silva/Crow. "Oooh, I'm hungry, I'm tired. It never stops. Death...would be a blessing" -Dr. F. "She looks like if Gilda Ratner and Satan had a baby" -Mike. "This trampoline accident could have been avoided. Never use a trampoline with unstable TNT in your pocket" -Crow. "Those squibs were meant for me!" -Mike (as Trash). "We lost only three-hundred and twelve dollars and thirty-one cents, and next year we'll lose even more! Thank you everyone, thank you, you cheap heartless bastards..." -Crow. "Wilfred Brimly IS 007!" -Tom Servo. "Will it still be a Hell of a town, sir?" -Tom Servo (as reporter). 706 Laserblast "According to this, "A Fish Called Wanda" was as good as Laserblast'." -Mike. "All right, watch out, Thunderbucket, you're about to meet your greatest challenge!" -Tom Servo (as fat, lumpy Hank Williams, Jr,- esque deputy). "And I'll tell you something else if you don't think I'm crazy..." "...I have grasshoppers taped to my back!" -Mrs. Joe Don Baker/Mike (as Mrs. Joe Don Baker). "Bad movies have taught us that sheriffs hold on to their belts a lot." -Crow. "Boy, I'm glad I never got rid of the big rig" -Pearl. "Boy, when a movie starts showin' you parts of itself, you know you're in trouble" -Mike. "Could Leonard Maltin be wrong and this ISN'T worth two and a half stars?" -Crow. "Duh, I'm a dork" -Crow. "Dumb Cop and Dumb Cop- they're Dump Cops." -Mike. "Excuse me, I just got crabs from your toilet" -Tom Servo (as smarmy Bill Bixby-esque businessman). "Flesh is a nice color for a house" -Mike. "Frankly, Billy, I'm baffled AND grossed out!" -Crow (as Dr. Mellon). "Glad I hung on to this!"- Mike. "Good Shooting, Xanthar!" "Thanks, Denise!" -Crow/Mike (as cute big-butt aliens). "I'd like to teach the world... to get READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!" -Mike (as fat, lumpy Hank Williams, Jr,- esque deputy). "I don't like goin' to doctors..." ".... But it was Roddy MacDowell, he made it fun!" -Billy/Mike (as Billy). "I just keep feeling like you're not ready for some football...." -Crow (as fat, lumpy Hank Williams, Jr,-esque deputy). "I'll show you a race!" "Just let me get in my dad's electrical supply van..." -Billy/Crow (as Billy). "I'm gonna drink the Hell out of this Coke!" -Tom Servo (as Billy). "I'm thinking of getting an ass reduction, Ted" -Mike (as cute big- butt alien). "I think they were going for a 'Touch of Evil' feel, but they got a touch of somethin' else" -Crow. "J.D. Powers and associates rank these guys the most loathsome in their class" -Tom Servo. "Now that scene worked because you were expecting a bear to jump out" -Mike. "Oh, Billy, between you and the motor oil and your B.O. and the scabby hole in your chest.... I just love you..." -Tom Servo (as Billy's girlfriend). "Oh, poopie" -Dr. F (as a star child). "Oh, they targeted this movie to lonely bass fishermen" "In other words, bass fishermen" -Tom Servo/Mike. "Ow! There's a folding shovel in there!" -Crow. "She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!" -Crow (as Chuck). "Something touched me deep inside\the day Eddie Deezen died..." -Mike. "That'll be..." "...let's see, uh, five bucks for the butt nudge..." -Gas station guy/Crow (as gas station guy). "What if I stomp up and down on your chest?" -Mike (as Dr. Mellon). "Yes, non-skinny women are inherently not happy" -Tom Servo. "Yes, teens love their cake pool parties" -Crow. "Yes, we're making restitution to all who had sex with Billy!" "Although not admitting any wrong-doing, we agree to compensate you for having sex with Billy." -Mike/Tom Servo. "You know, Mike, this film was run through a highly technical process called "Tension Extraction" before being released to theaters..." -Crow. SEASON 8 801 Revenge of the Creature "Hortiznatz! Ah, forget it! I'm knocking off for a Ho-Ho." -Tom Servo. "My name is Bobo! Professor Bobo, son of Coco and heir to the lineage of Godo, Bogo and Chim Chim!" "And I'm Peanut!" -Prof. Bobo/Dr. Peanut. "Now stand up" "And...evolve!" -scientist/Tom Servo (as scientist). 802 The Leech Woman "A hundred and forty years ago." -All. "He's got built-in smug." -Tom Servo. "If old women give him the creeps, maybe he shouldn't have gone into old-woman-ology." -Mike. "I love to go to bar. I usually order sandwich and have drink." -Mike. "It's so embarrassing to have to report your own death." -Tom Servo. "JEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!" -Tom Servo. "Out of Africa." "No, there's more in the trunk." -Tom Servo/Mike. "Pineal!" -Tom Servo. "Real Africa, Hollywood Africa." -Crow. "Today's miracle cure: booze!" -Crow. "You could bake a turkey in that dress." -Mike. 803 The Mole People "Avalanche footage, run!" -Crow. "Does all-powerful have to mean over budget?" -Crow. "Down, down, down." -All. et al. "A flashlight! Now all we need is a tent, some s'mores, and some outside." -Crow (as Priest). "Guards, sixty lashes." "Make them long, beautiful Maybelline lashes." -Captain Fingerhead/Tom Servo (as Capt. Fingerhead). "I ain't got no body." -Mike (as statue). "It's a race of albino Patti LaBelles." -Mike. "It's Baby Jessica. She's digging her own way out!" -Mike. "Not everyone can wear a snood." -Mike. "They're really Jello-mold men." -Crow. "This is for all those years of Whack-a-Mole." -Tom Servo (as mole). "Virgil Vogel, vestal virgin." -Tom Servo. "What a load." -All. et al. "Watch, they'll get crushed by a giant dog chasing a frisbee." -Mike. "You really ought to have those moles looked at." -Tom Servo. 804 The Deadly Mantis "All right people, let's go kick some thorax." -Crow. "I fear mantis mounting, too!" -Tom Servo. "Inuit Bay-watch." -Mike. "Readly Rantis!" -Crow (as huskies). "There's a mantis in my pantis." -** (as **). 805 The Thing that Couldn't Die "A formidable force: the octogenarian, the drunk, and the wuss." -Mike. "But Jessica doesn't charge anything." "And the Devil's built right in!" -Aunt Flavia/Tom Servo (as Flavia). "Did you mae-sure the trae-sure?" -Mike (as Flavia). et. al. "Evil book, evil sofa, evil rhododendron." -Tom Servo (as Jessica). "Gidget, have you lain with the horned one again?" -Mike. "Guy's smoking a field mouse." -Mike. "Here comes the bride/She's out of her frigin' mind!" -Mike. "Here's the windup, and the scream!" -Tom Servo. "I don't need tools, I have these hands. My hands are strong." -Mike (as Mike). "I found some 'This Island Earth' music!" -Mike (as Jessica). "I thought you were going to paint me playing golf with clowns." "Nah, you wanted yourself tossing kittens in a meat grinder." -Crow/Tom Servo. "Nothin' like smokin' a slim-jim." -Crow (as Boyd). "Oh no, she's getting squishy!" -Crow. "So, she's kind of a Ouija-Broad." -Crow. "They've beamed onto the planet O.K. Corral." -Crow. "This is no time for your damn haikus!" -Tom Servo. "Yeah, what the hell." -Gypsy. "You are as amoebas." -Observer. et. al. "Your blood shows a recent chemoglobulin inoculation." -Tom Servo (as Giddeon Drew). "You're all evil and I hope you all have snacks." -Tom Servo (as Jessica). 806 The Undead "Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards." -Mike. "I'm a bad psychical researchiculator." -Crow (as Quentis). "It's beautiful when the tortillas come back to Capistrano." -Mike. "Me in white satin." -Tom Servo (as knight). "Sir Ray Nitschke!" -Mike. "This forest could use a plant." -Mike. "This is subtle?" -Crow. "You have fingers. I like that in a man." -Mike (as Diana). 807 Terror From the Year 5000 "Damn you, Dave Lennox!" -Crow (as Victor). "Filmed in black and...slightly less black." -Crow. "I like milk." -Crow (as terror). "It's the terror with 5000 yards rushing." -Mike. "Jimmy Carter has Disco Fever." -Mike. "Let's get this right. A vicious woman from the future comes back and slaps people." -Tom Servo. "Never get off the boat, absolutely golly darn right!" -Crow (as nurse). "Sinus pain can feel like a sparkler up your nose." -Crow. "The lumberjack competition turns ugly." -Mike. "You will jazzercise!" -Crow (as the Terror). 808 The She Creature "Here comes Mike, Destroyer of Worlds!" -Crow. "I can't believe I ate the whole thing." -Tom Servo (as dead guy). "I'd like a cup of coffee." "Would you like a C-cup or a D-cup?" -Andrea/Crow (as Dr. Ericson). "Is this felt? It is now!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Lombardi). "It's Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi!" -Crow. (singing) "My subject is not herself tonight. She's too tense." "Yeah, she's a teepee and a wigwam." -Dr. Lombardi/Crow. "Sleep!" -Tom Servo (as Dr. Lombardi). et al. "So Mafia goons and withered spinsters party together?" -Tom Servo. "Soul Transmigration." -Tom Servo. "Touchdown!" -Tom Servo (as She Creature). 809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf 810 Giant Spider Invasion "Ahhh!" "Ahhh?" 'Barbara Hale'/Tom Servo. et al. "Cow tipping gone horribly wrong." -Mike. "Got milk?" -Mike (as cow's head). "Greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable 2 PM beer buzz...you homesick yet, Mike?" -Tom Servo. "I hate it when a movie kills of a beloved character...This is great, though!" -Crow. "It's Snuffalufagus! No!" -Crow. "Look at that!" "I made a R!" -Kester/Mike (as Kester). "No on hunts out of season in Wisconsin!" -Mike. "The Satellite of Love has got MRxL, MRxL, MRxL!" -Tom Servo. "This can't be Wisconsin! There aren't any signs for Tommy Bartlett's water show." -Tom Servo. "342 pairs of cotton boxers, no duplicates, 78 pairs of silk boxers, 702 high cut briefs, 55 low cut briefs, 7 banana warmers, 1 pair of Home of Whopper briefs, 1 vintage pair of Joe Namath netted slingshot briefs." -Tom Servo. "What a remarkable pig!" -Crow. "When snowmobilers drive cars." -Tom Servo. "Woo-hoo! Packers won the Super Bowl!!" -All. et al. "You're so dumb, you wouldn't know rabbit turds from rice crispies." "Snap, crackle, poop!" -Kester/Crow. 811 Parts: the Clonus Horror "I like mittens." -Tom Servo (as clone). "She really was on top of old smokey!" -**. "What does m-i-l-w-a-u-k-e-e spell?" "It spells $2.99 a case." -Richard/Tom Servo (as 'confessional'). 812 The Incredibly Strange Creatures "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!" -Mike. "You'll have a big house, and *phiot* there's a swimming pool." -Mike (as fortune teller). 813 Jack Frost "BO? That's absurd! I don't even have a body." -Brain Guy. "Help me Obi-Wankonoboski!" -Crow (as Nastinka). "I always pick that guy off my pizza." -Mike. "I didn't know there were any land mines left in Narnia." -Tom Servo. "I enjoy watching people's mental illness." -Mike. "I'm a bear." -Crow. "I'm bacon!" -Mike (as pig-sleigh). "Is this true love or just a kidnapping?" -Tom Servo "Jack Frost opened fire on a stand of willows today." -Mike. "Michael Nelson *is* Lord of the Dance!" -Crow. "Mmm. Liver on a stick." -Crow. "She's imprinting on the geese." -Tom Servo. "So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys." -Mike. "The world's thrown into chaos, earthquakes, fires, but that's fine, you knit your sock." -Tom Servo. "There are worse places to apply ointment." -Bobo. "Uh-oh, there's a ripple in the daughter market today." -Crow. "You know, Mike, I don't think I like evil Russo-Finnish grandmas." -Crow. 814 Riding with Death "Cupcake cupcake cup cup cupcake cupcake.." -Tom Servo. "For some reason, this film was a hit with elderly black women and Hispanic lesbians." -Mike. "It can't beEEE!" -Stark, et al. "It's 3:15 now. *beep* D'oh!" -Crow (as Sam). "Sam, are you in position?" "This is Sam. I am." -Driscol/Crow (as Sam). "They didn't charge us for the hush puppies!" -Crow (as Buffalo). "Well, we're home -- do you want to sleep in the front or the back?" - Crow (as Buffalo). "You've got mail! *kaboom*" -Tom Servo. 815 Agent For H.A.R.M. "EXTREME RICE!!" -Crow. "I'll try to be more accurate next time." "'Kay, good luck. I'll stand still." -Marcoux/Crow (as Adam). "It's like being chased by your anthropology professor!" -Mike. "Mike, do you have Kevorkian's number?" "Yeah, I have it on speed dial. Reservations for 3?" -Tom Servo/Mike. "No, you're out of order! You're out of order! The courtroom is out of order! The candy machine by the men's room is out of order!" -Bobo. "Shut up or I'll shoot you in your other pocket!" -Crow (as Marcoux). "So, if he starts jumping rope, it might go off in twenty minutes, right?" -Crow. "Stop or I'll Agent-from-H.A.R.M. you!" -Tom Servo (as Adam). "You know, she hurt herself bad when she mixed up her Lady Schick with her Lady Wesson." -Mike. "You studied Sporificololololigy, haven't you?" -Mike (as Adam). 816 Prince of Space "An exchange of deadly negative scratches." -Mike. "But, I mean, what's too far when your entrails are spilling out?" -Tom Servo. "Ha ha ha ha ha." -Phantom of Krankor. "Holy Santa, pray for us!" -Mike (as Japanese men). "I am the lemon zester of distruction." -Crow. "I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!" -Crow (as Prince of Space). "I like it very much!" -Crow (Mikey). et al. "I'm not afraid I'm wearing a tie you go home." -Mike. "It looks like an upside-down wheelbarrow with a scoop on top, but..." -Tom Servo. "Oh, the Stanley Cup invaded Earth." -Tom Servo. "Pagoda of the Damned." -Crow. 817 Horror of Party Beach "Ahhhh-ve Mariaaaaa." -Tom Servo (as skull). "Batch-man!" -Tom Servo. "Cookie!" -Mike (as monster). "Don't know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid." -Mike. "Fight direction by William Shatner." -Crow. "I think a gas grill would do it...or a pony." -Crow. "It seems Lillian Gish could take this mob." -Mike. "It's got a delicious bleu cheese filling." -Tom Servo. "Look Polish." -Mike. et al. "Men should not have bikini areas." -Mike. "Mike, you're nude." -Crow. "Oh, it's an Exxon training film." -Crow. "Ooh, I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Then again, I'd eat my own head with drawn butter." -Crow. "Original soundtrack by Nigel Tuckman." -Mike. "Planimal." -Mike. "Sodium!" -All. et al. "So radiation has a sense of humor?" -Tom Servo. "The sweeping majesty of young white republican love." -Crow. "Yeah, the horror of Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip." -Crow. 818 Devil Doll "Debbie!" -Crow. "England, the land of jug-earred, chinless stomach-eaters." "Well, at least they aren't French." -Tom Servo/Crow. "How can you make a deal with the devil?" "With prices like these, how could I not?" -Mike/Crow. "I'd sure like to examine that dummy." "So if you wouldn't mind looking the other way..." -**/Mike (as **). "Pants! Pants!" -All. 819 Invasion of the Neptune Men "A break dancing task chair." -Mike. "He must be the Piggy of the group." -Mike. "Incoming Crispix!" -Tom Servo. "I think they're trying to pass a rain shower as an action sequence." -Tom Servo. "It's a prefab Lutheran church." -Tom Servo. "Kill the pig, drink its blood. Oh wait, that's another movie." -Crow. "Mike, will you tell me the name of your favorite Japanese theater?" "Noh." "Why not?!" -Crow/Mike/Crow. "Oh, that guy just fell down, for crying out loud." -Tom Servo. "Ooh, Grandpa tried to program the VCR." -Tom Servo. "Ready and strut, pout, put it out." -Tom Servo (as Neptune soldiers). "Rogee Panty Complex." -All. et al. "Space Chief is off having a couple of saporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space." -Tom Servo. "The clock's running backwards!" "That means lunch won't be till yesterday." -Reporter/Tom Servo (as Reporter). "Those are very destructive sand crabs." -Tom Servo. 820 Space Mutiny "A severely retarded jellyfish could make a better movie than this." -Tom Servo. "Big McLarge-Huge." -Mike. "Calgon, blow me away." -Tom Servo. "Get a bunch of women together and it's always witchery or a wedding shower." -Crow. "He's like an Armand Asante-wannabe." -Tom Servo. "Ho ho ho-ooo." -Crow (as Commander Janson). "If the first ten minutes are any indication, this movie is going to blow." -Tom Servo. "I have my doubts that this movie really stars anyone." -Tom Servo. "I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance." -Crow (as 'Sting'). "Ooh!" -Rider. "Railing kill!" -All. et al. "Slate Fistcrunch." "Buff Hardback." "Bob Johnson...oh, wait." -Crow/Mike/Tom Servo. "Take away all the muscle mass on this Rider guy and it's pretty much you, Mike." -Crow. "Wouldn't want to slam a stack of that guy." -Mike. "You know, they shouldn't have set their phasers to miss." -Mike. 821 Time Chasers "Warning! Warning!" -Tom Servo (as robot from Lost in Space). "You iridescent techtonic idiotic imp! You dicotimous...drum majorette!" -Crow (as the guy from Lost in Space). "You've got male...pattern baldness." -Tom Servo. 822 Overdrawn at the Memory Bank "Hey! Extreme babooning!" -Tom Servo. "I can't lose you now! We've never even had a dance together!" "You've never bought a muffler together, either. What's the point?!" -Apollonia/Crow. "I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple." -Mike (as Apollonia). "So this is public television. Suddenly I feel like beating up Fred Rogers!" -Crow. "Though shalt not screw around with things thou dost not understand." -Apollonia. "Verti-Go to hell!" -Mike. "Where do you want to go today? All over this movie!" -Crow. "Whoa! Huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!" -Crow. SEASON 9 901 Projected Man "I thought you didn't have legs." "I don't." "Well, where did you get the footsteps?" -Crow/Tom Servo/Crow. "Kcot kcit, kcot kcit." -Tom Servo (as watch). "Lembach is staying." -All, et. al. "Oh no, they're going to make more British people!" -Mike. "The Golden Arches! He's McProjecting himself." -Mike. "The great monsters of the cinema: Frankenstein's Monster! Dracula! Paul!" -Tom Servo. "The incredible, edible Earth!" -Tom Servo. "Yeah, I always kill when I panic." -Tom Servo. 902 The Phantom Planet "Activate the gravity curtain." "Or the venetian gravity blinds." -Cecil/Tom Servo (as Cecil). "Attack of the killer peanut brittle!" -Crow. "Da dum, da dum! Push him on the gravity plate!" -Mike. "Dino, no!" -Mike. "Grandpa tried to use the microwave again." -Crow. "Hemorrhoids! Get the Tucks!" -Crow. "Honey bunches of death!" -Tom Servo. "Houston, we have a moron, out." -Mike. "I just want to remind you this is a Northwest flight, so we'll be sitting on the tarmac for an hour with no beverages and air conditioning, and we're out of meals, and our flight attendants are overworked and abusive, and if you complain, we'll throw you off the flight." -Mike (as astronaut). "Is someone rubbing a cat against a zither?" -Tom Servo. "It's just a Shar Pei with a parted afro wearing a pizza slicer." -Tom Servo. "Laura Petri, you are charged with treason!" -Tom Servo. "Let's take roll call. Me? Here. Ray? Dead. Okay, that's clearer." -Crow (as Frank). "Linoleum Tile of Doom." -Mike. "No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!" -Crow. "Oh no, a colony of tiny mimes!" -Mike. "Oh, the hell with every last one of you!" -Gypsy. "Pegasus 4, you are..." "Completely boned." -Control/Mike (as Control). "Put the combat rod in position." -Cecil. "So people are just balloons?" -Crow. "Soup is funny." -Crow (as Andy Rooney). "The Phantom Planet is quilted for softness." -Mike. "Tight turning radius on the chicken thing." -Crow. "Today, the moon narrowly missed hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie." "Scientists believe 'that's amore'." -Crow/Tom Servo. "Well, maybe if they didn't disguise the planet as a Chicken McNugget, the dogs wouldn't attack it." -Crow. "Who knew that Hall's vapor action could be so powerful?" -Tom Servo. "You know, Captain, every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful." -Ray. et al. "You wouldn't want to try Tiffany Amber Theisen and eggs Florentine, would you?" -Tom Servo. 903 The Pumaman "Christmas ornament of the gods." -Tom Servo. "If this is all the gods can do, I'm over to the Darkside so fast." -Tom Servo. "I hate it when Aztecs force themselves into your hotel room and make you try on belts." -Tom Servo. "I now know that if I ever met a puma, I can just push it over." -Crow. "I sense danger." -Pumaman. et al. "It means this movie will have good shoes." -Mike. "POOMA-man!" -All. et al. "A post-it note can sense danger better than this guy!" -Crow. "Pumaman: Liberace with Dockers." -Mike. "So no one who doesn't go there doesn't not talk?" -Crow. "Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio." -Crow. "This always happens. People throw me out windows, tell me I'm Pumaman, then leave." -Crow. 904 Werewolf "Anaglochi translated means an animals that travels around on all fours." "So, any animal." -Noel/Tom Servo. "Bad bad bad bad or just bad bad bad?" -Crow. "Chia-Estevez." -Tom Servo. "Chip Hilter." -Tom Servo. "Dis iss ahbsolutely fuhsinading." -Natalie. "Fidel Castro, housekeeper." -Tom Servo. "Freddy Krueger, Hellraiser, Paul." -Crow. "He's almost as hairy as Robin Williams." -Crow. "He's Winnie the Pooh." -Tom Servo. "I is here home!" -Mike (as Natalie). "Legends have to begin somewhere." "Like Keebler Elves." -Noel/Mike. "That was the sound of the director getting up and leaving." -Crow. "There's too much Zarindast in this movie already." -Crow. "The very model of a modern man-made werewolf." -Mike. "They're excavating a tiramisu." -Crow. "This is the MIR of archaeological dig." -Tom Servo. "Wurwilf." -Natalie. "You know, the antidote to being a werewolf just might be Ammonium AD." -Mike. 905 The Deadly Bees "A couple of no-pest strips could make this movie go away." -Tom Servo. "And tortillas stuffed with ham!" -Bobo. "I love thee, filter, flavor, pack or box." -Crow. "Ms. Robbins, do you know anything about bees?" "No, nothing." "So you stopped after A, did you?" -Inquest guy/Ms. Robbins/Mike (as inquest guy.) "The dog's meat-have you seen it?" -Mrs. Hargrove. "They named every bee? This is going to take forever." -Crow. 906 The Space Children (Century 21 Calling...) "Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?" -Crow. 907 Hobgoblins "Full contact mulching." -Tom Servo. "In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash." -Crow. "Now, I'm going to thatch you." -Mike. "Oh big man, you strangled a plush toy." -Mike. "So, does Hardware Hank have a defense contract?" - Crow. "There's been a lot of involuntary on-turning." -Mike. "We don't need to see every part of the human anatomy outlined in spandex. I can trust it's all there." -Tom Servo. "What, is he going to get mauled by $100 bills?! Do something!" -Tom Servo. 908 The Touch of Satan "Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand!" -Tom Servo. "Is that your car?" "Mind if I skip rocks across it?" -Melissa/Tom Servo (as Melissa). "I sure hope he said 'peanuts'." -Crow. "Make me disappear." "Yea!" -Jodie/Crow. "This is where the fish lives." -Melissa. et al. "Za!" -Jodie. et al. 909 Gorgo "Curse you, Maltin!" -Tom Servo. "I didn't know elephants exploded on impact." -Crow. "Pacifist or not, Ghandi's got to be chuckling about now." -Tom Servo. "People running through the streets yelling, 'This simply isn't done. You'll be hearing from my solicitor.'" -Mike. "The infant, the outfant." -Crow (as professor). "The legendary treasure of Captain Crunch." -Crow. "The poor Irish-you know, if they aren't being invaded by Cromwell or infested with leprechauns, they've got this guy." -Mike. "Well, what do you know?" "Not much, you?" -Joe/All (as Sam). "We're out of fresh water." "We'll have to drink concentrate, then." -Sam/Mike (as Sam). "What's that? Oh, pain! Argh!" -Tom Servo (as Gorgo). 910 The Final Sacrifice "Bla...bla...bla...uh, hiss." -Tom Servo (as idol faces). "Hockey hair." -All, et. al. "It means 'Ooh, I'm gonna hog tie that varmint'!" -Tom Servo (as Pipper). "Oh come on, one more sacrifice before we go." "Okay, but this is the FINAL SACRIFICE!" -Tom Servo/Mike. "Oh, it's the 'Came with the frames' family." -Mike. "Oh man, that's not a nose, it's a duplex!" -Mike. "Seven years later..." -Mike, et. al. "That's an illegal use of a silent consonant." -Crow. "The music is really more suited to plate spinning." -Tom Servo. "Wait, it's me!" "I *know*." -Mike (as Rowsdower)/Crow (as Troy). "You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shoving those sandwiches into your face" "Singing we will, we will Rowsdower!" -Crow/All. 911 Devil Fish "I knoooow." -Bob. "Just because you *can* edit doesn't mean you *should*." -Tom Servo. "Man, he's built like a G.I. Joe. He even has shoulder sockets so you can pose him." -Mike. "So, Mike, turtles excrete wax and you humans put it in cans and rub it all over your cars?" -Tom Servo. "The sheriff's report simply read, 'ick.'" -Crow. "2000 flushes, the movie." -Crow. 912 The Screaming Skull (Robot Rumpus) "I'm going to glaze your backside, young man!" -Tom Servo (as Gumbo). "I'm still a beautiful butterfly." -Tom Servo. "Please Mike, just work the lumps." -Crow. "Remember folks, if you die of boredom, you do not get a free coffin." -Crow. "Yup, when you think of shocking horror, you think of German um-pah music." -Crow. 913 Quest of the Delta Knights "Can you say Baydool?" "Let me try...get bent. I guess I can't." -Baydool/Pearl (as T). "Ew, wizard wiz!" -Pearl. "Going up, Chalky!" -Pearl. "He has his own personal airbag." -Mike. "I'm a sweet Delta Lady/I do what I please/I'm strong and I'm savvy/And I've got *these*!" -Lady in Tom's Madrigal Choir. "I'm com-m-m-ming!" -Some forest guy. "It's hard to pick up chicks when you look like Holly Hobby." -Crow. "It's so awkward at the Ground Round when you have to kill a person." -Tom Servo. "Je M'appel Bite Me!" -Crow (as T). "Norm!" -All (as drunk man). "Please, Mint-giver, we love you!" -Crow. "She's a Merv Griffen Production." -Pearl. "So he spits mosquitoes through a straw and they bite people?" -Mike. "So the Ewoks grew up to be big stupid men?" -Mike. "There's a midget under her dress pushing up." "Lucky midget! Midgets get everything." -Tom Servo/Crow. "This kids should really wear a hair net while fighting." -Crow. "This sounds like a movie that should have Matthew Broderick in it." -Crow. "Well, better than Quest of the Delta Burkes, I suppose." -Crow. "Well, the movie lost me, it lost me, and it's trotting off without me." -Tom Servo. "Wench-jacking was a big problem in the Middle Ages." -Mike. SEASON 10 1001 Soultaker "Corn with cream and sugar?" "Well, I take my corn black, so it's not a problem." -Mike/Crow. "Crow, your voice kind of sounds different..." -Joel. "Don't compare yourself, Mike. It ain't healthy." -Tom Servo. "Ew, I instantly need counseling." -Crow. "Frank, how are you, Frank?" -Joel. "Guy's a catcher's mitt with eyes." -Crow. "I know, let's play ring toss with your soul!" -TV's Frank. "I like fudge." "You don't mean that!" -Crow (as Mr. McMillan)/Tom Servo (as Mrs. McMillan). "I'm stuck up here, and that guy gets to manage a hot fish shop." -Mike. "Interior bedroom. Me, draped across the bed, touseled by tawny, I lay there, hand on my taut tummy, still pretty in a worried sort of way." -Tom Servo (as Natalie). "It's either grain alcohol in back alleys or a happy world of rodents in feetie pajamas." -Mike. "Jump up my tube, white boy." -Gypsy. "My years on the Satellite of Love were the best years of my life. They made a man out of me, and maybe, just maybe, they'll make a man out of you, too." -Joel. "The Sooouuuullll-takah!" -Tom Servo. "Triple sow-cow really takes it out of you." -Tom Servo (as Natalie). "We got thrown from the car in an equidistant fashion." -Crow (as Natalie). "You know, it's just not death with dignity if there's an Estevez in the room." -Crow. "You're beautiful." "Yep, she did write this." -Zach/Crow. "You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!" -Crow (as Natalie). "Zach, good-byes are more effective when somebody leaves." -Crow (as Natalie). 1002 Girl in Gold Boots "Bad cut!" -Tom Servo. "Can I pony?!" -Brain Guy. "I'm a crummy Critter." -Tom Servo (as Critter). "I think you're uncomfortable acknowledging Crow as a sexual being." -Tom Servo. "Man, if it gets any wilder, a bridge game is going to break out." -Crow. "Merry Christmas everyone, let's go to the Haunted House." -Crow. "Oh, God, I wish I had that pretty mind back!" -Joan. 1003 Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders "Count how many large mouth bass I swallow." -Mike. "Don't I get a kiss?" "You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing. Now go!" "So she threatened him with sex?" -Merlin/Zurella/Mike. "Give me all your cookies and I won't have you killed." "Hooray." -Tom Servo/Crow and Mike. "Good use of trolls." -Mike (as Jonathan). "I'm Tinkerbell." -All. "Merlin was a thieving crack head who fenced VCRs to feed his habit." -Crow. "Oh god, look at this!" -Jonathan. "Rock and roll Martian!" -Michael. "So that's how you got rid of Grandma, eh?" -Mike. "Those Altoids are curiously strong." -Mike (as Jonathan). "We like to be as trendy as possible up here, so lately, we've gotten into 1920's college pranks." -Mike. 1004 Future War "Four days ago, a fire fell from the sky..." -Sister Ann. "I have a big chin, ho ho ho." -Mike. "He's *boxed* in." "Well, I'm *card-bored*." -Crow/Mike. "He's Jean Claude Van Dahm." "No, he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn" -Tom Servo/Mike. "Plaid Avengers, ho!" -Tom Servo. "Thank you, Pearl, for not killing us." -All, et al. "This isn't a real movie, it's a movieloaf." -Tom Servo. "You know, I could point out that it's not the future and there is no war..." -Crow. 1005 Blood Waters of Dr. Z "And then at the right moment, ATTACK!" -Crow. "And you, balding comb-over fish..." -Tom Servo (as Dr. Z). "Shoe polish...Cleaning compound of deceit!" -Crow. "I hope you like you're catfish hot and spicy." -Crow. "I mean, Mike, you've had victims die prematurely, but you don't act petulantly like this." -Tom Servo. "Oh. I'm really going to sashay through the sarcasm." -Crow. "Please enjoy a fish anus." -**. "Typical male, sitting in his chair, playing with his rod." -Tom Servo. 1006 Boggy Creek II "Here it is. This is all we have to do." "Get naked and wrestle!" "Not now. C'mon." -Girl/Servo/Mike "I saw the little creature." -**. 1007 Track of the Moon Beast "A lunar meteorite..." -Kathy. "Blossoming makes everything tastes grrreat!" -Tom Servo. "Bring your 4x4 down to the Track of the Moon Beast." -Tom Servo. "Hawkeye Pierce returns to the MASH unit." -Crow. "Johnny Longbone..." -All. et al. "Moon rock, oh wow!" -Kathy. "Ooh, what haven't we seen in this movie yet? Oh, right. A scrawny, drunken bowler's ass cheek. Thank you." -Crow. "Plunger, yum!" -Tom Servo. 1008 The Final Justice "Clowns. Terrifying in any country." -Crow. "God, I hate cute." -Crow. "High Goon." -Tom Servo. "It's dangerous for Joe Don to be in the water. Someone might harpoon him." -Ton Servo. "Joel got to escape after seeing a really bad Joe Don Baker movie, so I just figured..." -Mike. "Mike's tripping." -Tom Servo. et al. "Oh, I see. You're complaining." -Pearl. "Revenge is best served with laughter and giggles." -Mike. 1009 Hamlet "Alas Poor Who?" -Mike. "Choke it down, Schnitzelbots." -Pearl. "Find the lady!" -Mike. "Flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." "Unfortunately, they're Northwest angels, so they'll be late." -Horatio/Crow (as Horatio). "If he but blanche, I know my course." "But if he charbroils..." -Hamlet/Mike. "Is it me? Am I a magnet for these idiots?" -Pearl. "It's not Servo. It's Sirvieux." -Tom Servo. "May four captains bear thee like a soldier to the stage." "Captain Spaulding, Captain Kangaroo, Captain Crunch..." -Horatio/Crow. "Unfold yourself!" -Hamlet. "What's worse than clowns? Danish clowns!" -Crow. 1010 It Lives By Night "Bat on the run." -Tom Servo. "Bloodless Bob to Monkey One...the lemmings are in position. Drop your payload!" -Observer. "He's turning into a damn warwilf." -Mike. "How dare you be Lou and you be Ted and not let me be Mare? I can turn the world on with my stinking smile!" -Crow. "I guess then, by definition, I'm in the Batmobile." -Crow (as Johnny). "It isn't happening. It's in my mind." "Well, then you can clean that up with your mind, young man." -Johnny/Tom Servo. "It makes me want to invest everything I have in steam-powered weaving machines!" -Crow. "It would have been a better movie if he had been bitten by a cow." -Crow. "McClod!" -Mike. 1011 Horrors of Spider Island "Could there be any more goose poop in my front yard?" -Crow. "From Los Angeles, they take off from New York to get to Singapore." -Tom Servo. "Is this the titillating trump card? Dancers chasing a half-man, half-spider?" -Mike. "It's kooky and we're swimming and we have no nipples." -Mike (as the girls). "Man, we *do* need shoelaces!" -Tom Servo. "Ooohhh, water!" -Girls. "There's absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and that we've lost radio contact." "Well there's absolutely nothing to be worried about." -Dr. Strangelove guy/Mike. "Too bad we couldn't grab this movie with a tissue and flush it down the toilet." -Mike. "Wait, who told them to get dressed?!" -Tom Servo. "We've got to make it! Paddle with your hands!" "Or your panties, or your breasts, or whatever." -Gary/Crow (as Gary). 1012 Squirm "All his shirt needs is a Chianti candle and a menu." -Tom Servo. "Do you suppose there's a hellish imp for me?" -Mike. "I do the cute names around here, Nel...son." -Pearl. "If I see you one more time..." "That'll be three times." -Sheriff/Tom Servo (as sheriff). "I'm Coiley. The Spring Sprite, they call me!" -Coiley. "Maybe giant cows will attack, what's your point?" -Tom Servo. "No springs, hehehe!" -Coiley, et al. "Save the girl, or go antiqueing?" -Crow (as Mick). "Servo's become inflicted with Southern-Belle-ness." -Crow. "The most bizarre freak of nature ever recorded...oh, broccoflower." -Crow. "Where does Coiley fit into God's plan for us?" -Crow. "Yeah, this is the night the lights went out in Georgia." -Mike. "You'll be the first to die." -Tom Servo (as Coiley). 1013 Danger: Diabolik "Crow, you're wreaking the moment." -Tom Servo. "Each sea gull has its own parking space." -Tom Servo. "He done blowed hisself up!" -Crow. "Is that stud coming?" -Valmont. "It's not unusual to steal trucks from anyone." -Tom Servo. "Move on Nelson. I have." -Pearl. "Never start a movie in the middle of a spin cycle." -Mike. "Sophisticated, not gay." -Crow. "This is just a Good Samaritan he met in the tunnel." "She's a GREAT Samaritan!" -Tom Servo/Crow.