Alphabetical maneuvering anchors:
A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z
Directed by Steven Spielberg.
Supposedly, Spielberg was going through a really hard time in his life when he put together this confused, wild, high-budgeted mess of a comedy. It's virtually plotless (mostly about paranoid Americans during WWII), but features an enormous comedy cast, too broad to even go into. It's got good points, but overall it's really Spielberg's worst film.
Directed by Andrew Davis.
You might call it "whitesploitation" in a sense. Taking all the best, and cheeziest elements of old fashioned "blaxploitation" style crime dramas, the one and only Steven Segal makes his movie debut with the usual karate-chopping crapage. In fact Pam Grier plays his partner! Segal has stated that he once worked for the CIA, and that's why he wanted to do this film (which deals with the CIA), however, there's never been any real proof he was ever involved with the CIA. Despite it's cheezyness, this film has a bit of filmmaking honesty about it that seems to make this film better than Segals later work.
Directed by Damien Lee.
A mindnumbingly terrible bit of sci-fi in which Sven Ole Thorsen (best known for being in almost every Arnold Schwarzenegger film as a stunt man) goes up against Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who is trying to stop him from planting his futuristic seed of evil in a young girl in the present. More of a yawner than a laugher, the film still delivers enough kicks to be humourous. Straight to video, by the way.
Directed by B. Ron Elliot (Byron Mabe)
This HAS to be seen to be believed. Advertised as "Hollywood's first underground film!", it's definately SOME kind of underground. As to what market of people this film was trying to target, god knows, but it's one of the most bizzare, out-there, insanely scary, drugsploitation films I've come across. A group of "average, every day" blue-collar friends, go on a weekend trip in search of a huge pyramid made of LSD! The weekend, consisting of lots of sex and pot, eventually winds up INSIDE the pyramid of LSD, where things get even MORE out of hand. Besides being massively hilarious, it's also incomprehensibly weird. If you can find it, see it.....you may never want to even go near LSD again, if you use it.
Directed by Craig Baxley.
A wonderful throwback to the action films of 70's "blaxploitation", in which Carl Weathers portrays "Action Jackson", a renegade cop who seeks revenge on the man who got him demoted from his previous position. Admittedly, the film is not a bad action flick, but the cast and styling of the movie is PURE 70's blaxploitation. Features Vanity as a junkie and "coach" Craig T. Nelson as the spooky bad guy. Also look for a small role by Sharon Stone.
Directed by Renny Harlin.
Shock comic Andrew "Dice" Clay stars as a private detective who investigates the death of a popular rock star. A wicked satire of action films with alot of great cheeze going for it. It's not great, but definately worth a watch. The soundtrack is by my favorite band, Yello, but all the music was ripped from one of their albums....not original.
Directed by Albert Pyun/Rusty Lemorande
The reason I have lumped these two films together, is that they are of that rare breed of film....two movies made using the same sets from each other and/or stock footage from one another to create a complete film. Alien from L.A. deals with model Kathy Ireland starring as a ditzy girl who goes in search of her father in a strange underground world that he discovered. Very cheezy, and very pointless, it deserves a good watching. Journey To The Center Of The Earth, deals with a group of kiddies who accidently wind up in a strange underground world, and have to work their way out of this fix. Journey borrows the same sets and TONS of direct footage from Alien From L.A. , creating a VERY bizzare, cross-plot effect. Some scenes are not even changed at all, and are fit into Journey in very poor ways. Both individually, these films are both great, goofy, cheeze that's great to watch and get a laught from, but, if you watch Alien From L.A. first and then Journey, you'll see how infinately more goofy Journey is than it may look.
Directed by Gary Nelson.
The concurrent sequel to King Solomon's Mines, again to feature Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone in an "Indiana Jones" style rip-off. However, where the Indiana Jones films took the old B-movie/adventure serial concept to new highs, Solomon's Mines and this flick manage to recapture alot of the feel and essence of the old fashioned jungle adventure films of the 40s and 50s. The film isn't great by a long shot, but it's fun and, as I said, a great throwback to old style cliffhangers. This film, and it's predecessor, were loosely based on some 70's pulp fiction.
Directed by Lewis Teague.
A made for TV film in which a small girl flushes a baby alligator down a toilet. A few months (or years) later, sewage has turned the alligator into a huge monster. It wreaks havoc and eats people, as you might expect. A sequel was made, but was even worse than this one.
Directed by John Cornell.
The minds behind the Crocodile Dundee films decided to try and milk Austrailian actor, Paul Hogan's career for all it was worth. My god this was a bad idea, though. The film is actually a tearjerker...it's sad to see Paul Hogan having sunk to these depths. Hogan plays a criminal who is returned to Earth by god (who is, no kidding, played by Charlton Heston) to help the needy. He goes through a series of goofy sequences and falls in love AGAIN with Linda Kozlowski (who was in the Crocodile Dundee films), but the film lacks just about everything that makes a romantic comedy romantic and funny.
Directed by Bert I. Gordon.
One of Gordon's most widely known works. An Army Colonel is caught in an atomic blast, and suddenly he begins growing at a massive rate, only to become...HUGE! A classic in it's day, it's pretty funny now.
Directed by John Hough.
To see this film when you're young and impressionable is a scary thing....let me tell you. A group of vacationing "young people" manage to run into a psycho family headed up by Rod Steiger and Yvonne DeCarlo (better known as Herman's wife on the Munsters TV show) who are busy raising some middle-aged psycho kids. The vacationeers are forced to stay with this family, only to discover, they're gonna wind up playthings for the psycho's and try to escape...bad idea. A great bit of horror cheeze, most assuredly.
Directed by Sam Firstenberg.
Michael Duduikoff's major screen debut in one of the hordes of Cannon/Golan-Globus productions involving ninjas, karate experts, an soldiers doing a little of both. Dudikoff decides to fight a group of corrupt military officers who have allied themselves with an arms dealer. It's pretty weak, but better yet...there were about 3 sequels!
Directed by Richard Fleischer.
We all have fond remembrences of The Amityville Horror. A neat little 80's horror flick that just COULDN'T be left alone. After a crappy sequel, an even crappier one lay in waiting. Amityville III was a gimmick film presented in 3-D, with lots of the usual stuff. The best parts are the terribly crafted ways of shoving things into the camera lens to get the 3-D effect.
Directed by Aaron Lipstadt.
A very odd little sci-fi flick (filmed on the same recycled space studio as used in countless 80's, low budget sci-fi films) about a space station where a crazed scientist played by Klaus Kinski (real surprise there) who has a very intelligent android working for him, with the ultimate goal being to create an even better android. Things get weird, though, when a group of space fugitives land on the station and start taking it over. It's a bit better than the usual fare from this time-period, but it's still oddly disturbing in it's own cheezy way.
Directed by Razni Thomas (credited as Alan Smithee)
This film always stuck with me for some odd reason. Crafted like a horror movie, the film is a confusing mix of what's SUPPOSED to be supernatural horror and a look into the life of a depressed and aging faith healer, played by Donald Sutherland. Sutherland takes on an apprentice in his work against evil (Chad Lowe...Rob's brother) and begins to suspect that in his small town, some sort of demonic person has come to torment him. Like I said....a confusing mix. This film has so many odd levels, it's hard to say it's a drama, horror, or whoknowswhat film. It's also a bit laughable bad, especially when one second it's a drama about this faith healer, then the next minute turns into Poltergeist or something. Very odd.
Directed by Peter Manoogian.
This film looks, feels, and smells like a "Band" production, but surprisingly Richard Band only did the music, and Albert Band produced, but the rest of the production is entirely an Italian affair. It's a goofy sci-fi about a kid who decides to become part of an intergalatic fighting association. The catch is that a human hasn't been in the arena in years, and he would be representing humans..a great honor. Anyhow, there's bad guys of course, but the movie never gets out of that "Band" style rut, and ends up being somewhat laughable. Better FX, though than you might expect.
Directed by Joe D'Amato
Joe D'Amato, a B-film director extraordinare, crafts one of MANY of the painful, horrible, Miles O' Keefe Conan rip-offs, featuring lots of guys and gals in loin cloths trying to kill each other with swords. Keefe plays Ator, a warrior destined to do a whole bunch of neat things, including fighting a really huge, goofy spider! Miles O' Keefe.....the name spells CHEEZE. and this one's a hilarious stinker.
Directed by Joe D'Amato
D'Amato (directing as David Hills) triumphs in the world of O'Keefe again. Yes, a sequel to "Fighting Eagle", this one features Ator up against a rather girly tyrant who wants to possess a glowing cylinder that, supposedly, will allow him to rule the Earth and all that. O'Keefe says "NO!!", and fighting begins. Includes a hectic opening sequence that tries to explain the retarded complexity of the first film. Available on video as "The Blade Master" and available in a "Mystery Science Theatre" format on VHS from Rhino home video as "Cave Dwellers."
Directed by B.W.L. Norton.
A surprisingly violent and brutal piece of cinema from the Disney camp, about a pair of anthropologists who look for dinosaurs living in the African jungles. They find them and an evil, corporate schemer (Patrick McGoohan) tries to take them for study and exhibition. Even in it's day, the effects were sub-standard, and overall it was too stupid to capture the kid audience.
Directed by Neal Isreal.
If you haven't seen this, it's required viewing. Tom Hanks (before working overtime to try and make himself respectable) stars in this over-the-top, ultra-sophomoric comedy about an out of control bachelor party. Tawny Kitane plays Hank's finace'. It's got all kinds of 80's crap that wouldn't get past the editing room nowadays, and even has Monique Gabrielle naked! Don't even bother watching this on TV...it's cut to ribbons.
Directed by Andrew Fleming.
A really twisted and surreal film about a girl who comes out of a coma 20 years after a cult commune she was involved with was burned to the ground, with everyone in it. The cult leader haunts her in her dreams (played by Richard Lynch who actually IS facially burned, making him a fitting star) and tries to get her to commit suicide. It's very Nightmare on Elm Street-ish due it's dream death stuff and heavy use of young central characters. It has some interesting violence, but is overal predictable if you've ever seen an 80's horror film.
Directed by Jimmy T. Murakami/Howard R. Cohen.
Two films with that odd connection of being VERY related. Battle is a bizzare, Star Wars rehash with bizzare characters, and a goofy cast, including "Man from U.N.C.L.E.", Robert Vaughn , "Walton-eer" Richard Thomas, and George Peppard. Thomas teams up with various aliens to do battle with an evil force threatening the galaxy. Great, cheezy, sci-fi. Then.....we have Space Raiders. A goofy, B-quality, sci-fi romp about a bunch of space pirates who help a kid out, in his time of need. However, Space Raiders, has most of it's "space" scenes almost entirely composed of footage from Battle Beyond The Stars, which in and of itself, makes this film REALLY cheeze; it can't even make it's OWN crap....it has to steal other people's work to do it.
Directed by Coleman Francis.
Mr. Coleman's first feature...not that it really matters much. All you need to know about this flick is that Tor Johnson gets exposed to radiation, thus turning him into a "beast". Really original plot, eh? Well...regardless, the film is a classic of stupidity, and features a near legendary ending/death sequence. Francis would be back with the badfilm MEGA gems of Skydivers and Red Zone Cuba.
Directed by Don Coscarelli.
The creators of the great pulp horror film Phantasm, also created this ultimate of all "Conan"-esque, swords and fantasy films. On a fairly low-budget, Coscarelli managed to craft one of the most durable hack-and-slash films ever made outside of the mainstream. If you haven't seen it...you have to...it's required =). Seriously though, the film stars Marc Singer as a warrior who can communicate with animals. His tribe killed a by a ruthless bunch of occult thugs, he seeks vengeance whilst making friends in odd places. The film has surreal touch to it that is quite unmatched by any other film I think of...it's got enough of the weird stuff that makes cheezy fantasy films fun, but it's also got a strange sense of obsessive darkness to it. A must see, and an all time classic in my opinion. Followed by 2 REALLY lame-ass sequels.
Directed by Paul Frees.
A film intended to show how "bad, weird, and evil" all those 60's subculture people were, but actually it manages to COMPLETELY mis-portray "beatniks" or anything about "beat" culture in this very funny picture about a group of nasty youngsters, one of whom happens to become a famous singer. His former "beat" friends get pissed at him, so they decide to take down his fantasy world by harassing him with their "beatnik-ness." So bad, it's good.
Directed by Jackie Kong.
A really poor journey into the world of a kid who turns into a freakzoid mutant after he comes in contact with nuclear waste. After being mutanized, he goes around munching people, includin Martin Landau and Ruth Buzzi. Weird.
Directed by Bert I. Gordon.
Bert Gordon presents another tale of goofy, apocalyptic, sci-fi terror. Illinois is terrorized by gigantic grasshoppers, bent on destroying humanity. B-movie regular, Peter Graves stars. Laughable and typical of the genre. Effects were done filming grasshoppers (for real) and then superimposing them on film shots, thus creating a somewhat realistic effect for the time, I suppose. A classic.
Directed by Eric Karson.
This film assembles some sizable martial arts talent (Sho Kosugi, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bolo Yeung) but fails to use ANY of them for anything interesting. Instead, it's lame, boring spy flick with little of anything worth while.
Directed by Philip Noyce.
Esteemed Austrailian director Noyce made this low-budget, straight-to-video action film starring Rutger Hauer as a blind man who takes on a horde of nasties. He's able to swordfight despite his blindness, and he kicks some general ass. Loosely based on a Japanese serial.
Directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis.
One of H.G. Lewis' most infamous films, and the first to start his wave of "gore" films. This movie is essentially the origin of the entire world of so-called "gore films." However, it's also an extremely goofy film, by any means. An Egyptian caterer named Fuad Ramses just so happens to also worship an ancient Egyptian god who requires sacrifice. So, he keep his days filled with killing people and collecting body parts..etc... The movie basically deals with one particualr "Catering" job he attends to. Despite this film's reputation as the god of all gore flicks, in this day and age, it's pretty tame.
Directed by David Peoples.
The man who wrote Blade Runner wrote and directed this futuristic film about a brutal, to-the-death sport that has obsessed the world. Rutger Hauer and Joan Chen (who also starred together in the thriller Wedlock) star as members of the same team who play this deadly football-like game. It's not bad, but certainly evidence of a burned out concept...i.e. the apocalypse warrior films.
Directed by Willam Fruet.
This oddly named film is about a hospital that suddenly becomes victim to a large, praying-mantis type insect who decides to go feasting about. The film is somewhat self-aware and mildly satirical, but that doesn't help it's goofyness all that much. Check it out for a fun bug movie.
Directed by John Badham.
Although this film had enough technology and style to give it potential, the potential went totally unused in this story of a super helicopter that you never actually get to see do anything cool. Instead of an interesting film with lots of action, it turns into some kind of Star Chamber-esque thriller where the helicopter becomes a second-rate player. The acting on the part of Roy Scheider and Malcom McDowell is at least watchable. Daniel Stern as Scheider's co-pilot I could have done without.
Directed by Abel Ferrara.
Ferrara made this third screen version of the classic story. It really sucks. In favor of stylizing the story, it injects it with all kinds of messy modern-day techniques like using teenagers as main characters, and lots of needless oogy-ness. It's a little laughable, however, for some of rather bad dialog.
Director and release year, unsure.
A rare, hard to find Sonny Chiba flick. Chiba stars as himself, and decides to offer his bodyguard services to anyone willing to help him take down drug dealers. The plan works....sort of. In an uncomprehensibly confusing and boring plot, Chiba gets swept up in battle mafia and the like. Worth a viewing for typically bloody, and slightly humorous fighting, not to mention the unbelievably bad dubbing and even worse camera work. This film is where Quentin Tarantino stole the idea for using the Ezekial quote in Pulp Fiction.
Directed by Joseph Green.
Another American International Pictures classic. While this whole film is a great, 50's B-movie, this film holds a special place in my heart for one reason.....the "bar scene." The film deals with a man whose fiancee loses her head in an accident, so he keeps her head alive and decides to find a body to use. However, in part of his quest for a body, he goes to a sleazy strip bar looking for possible women, in what is the most hilarious part of the film and my favorite scene. For the time, this film was unexpectedly bloody and disturbing.
Directed by Frank Henelotter.
The director of Basket Case did this wacky flick about a guy with a weird alien thingy in his head. The creature makes him "high" everytime he eats brains. So, he becomes addicted to brains. It's cult material to some, but I thought it moved way too slow for it's own good.
Directed by Philippe Mora.
An OK, but still slightly laughable film about Ruger Hauer protecting an island from poachers and such. Power Boothe shows up romancing his way onto the island through Rosanna Arquette, and it turns out he's a bird egg collector. There's some interesting action, but it's pretty strange overall.
Directed by Doo Yong Lee.
Although one of the myriad of "Bruce Lee isn't really dead films" in the late 70's, this is unquestionably the weirdest and most funny. It's got a virtually imcomprehensible plot involving some poor kung-fu work by a pitiful Bruce Lee lookalike. Oddly enough, one of the film's primary villains is named Marcus Welby! What's up with that?
Directed by Tinto Brass.
One of the most insane films ever made. Starring Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, John Gielgud (and other major British stars) the movie began filming as a historical epic about Roman emperor Caligula. However, when the production was almost done, apparantly funding and publishing ability was lost and the last ditch effort to get the film finished and get everyone paid was to allow Penthouse Magazine to finish the edges. In doing so, a set of psychotic added-on producers and other assorted crew proceded to re-edit the film and include all sorts of totally unrelated scenes, turning the film into a X-rated one. The tacked on footage included hardcore lesbian sex, gay sex, lots of blood and gore, turning out to be TOTALLY insane...even -I- haven't seen the whole uncut mess. The end result was a radically bizzare and disturbing film of the highest magnitude. It embarrassed all of it's stars, and one of them (a Penthouse Pet) even tried suing the producers for destroying her career....she was awarded $4 in damages. If you want a film that will bring your party to a complete halt while all your guests are busy going crazy, THIS is it. The same general production crew (the Penthouse one) went on to craft a sequel known as Caligula reincarnated as Adolf Hitler, that was equally as bizzare but a bit less extreme.
Directed by John English and Elmer Clifton.
How Not To Make A Movie Based On A Comic 101. A ridiculous film loosely using the Captain America franchise. Supposedly Stan Lee (the man who partly created Captiain America) gave this his thumbs up but it's hard to see how. A messy attempt to turn an unseemly actor into Captin America, as he goes around fighting Red Skull...except, in the film, Red Skull's origins are a bit twisted from this original comic origins, and he's even blamed with being part of conspiracies to kill public figures like JFK and John Lennon. Despite some OK supporting roles, the film is yet another terrible comic film.
Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.
In a bizzare lapse of reason, heavyweight director Coppola spearheaded this rather juvenile project to make a 70mm, "ride film" for Disney amusement parks. The 15 minute film cost $20-million dollars and starred Michael Jackson. Although it's not available on video, it is shown from time to time on music channels. It features loads of special effects, goofy music routines, and a rather interesting robot-queen thing played by Angelica Huston. I don't really even remember a plot...just space stuff. Soon after, another heavyweight director, Martin Scorsese, would direct Jackson's film/video "Bad."
Directed by Adam Simon.
Right around the release of Jurassic Park, this group of filmmakers tried to tackle similar subject matter on a much, much lower budget. For a film that had some promise and genuinely innovative low-budget effects, it's a boring mess of people running around and occasionally seeing a dinosaur. Oddly enough, one of the "bad guys" is played by vetran actress Diane Ladd whose daughter, Laura Dern, was in Jurassic Park. You can skip it, as well as the sequels it has spawned.
Directed by Michael Schultz.
Few 70's films get much better than this. A pointless, but strangely addictive and charming film about a group of black youths working at a car wash and the weirdness that goes through their day. Written by Joel Schumacher, the film is actually quite funny and filled with lots of innocent, goofy humor. In many circles, it's quite a cult-classic.
Directed by Norman Tokar.
One of Disney's more surreal kiddy films. A cat decends to Earth in a flying saucer and recruits Ken Berry to help him get the technology he needs to leave. Filled with loads of oddness and old-fashioned Disney values. Roddy McDowall appears as a villain.
Directed by Fritz Kirsch.
A poor, boring attempt at turning the same-named short story by Stephen King into a film. Having little to do with the story, the film ambles along doing it's B-movie goodness. The only thing really memorable is the little kid who plays "Malachai". Pretty bad. Followed by sequels..
Directed by Jim Wynorski.
A pretty low-brow sci-fi/horror flick about a group of teens who become victims of malfunctioning security robots in a high-tech mall. There's alot of breasts and laser beams shooting kiddies.
Directed by Douglas Cheek.
"They're
not staying down there anymore!" A cheeze horror classic, in my opinion. To put
it simply, a pack of bizzare, mutated beasties who live in the city sewers,
decide to start munching on the citizens. A group of bravehearts decide to
venture into the sewers to see what's up. Pretty gory for the time, but a bit
dorky nonetheless. Follwed by a so-so sequel.
Directed by Steven Lovy.
Vernon Welles (best known as one of the mowhawked psychos in The Road Warrior) plays "Plughead", a vicious futuristic gangster who hordes information and sensory experience. He chases a couple (a girl and a robot designed to be a "boyfriend") through wastelands and such. The film has it's moments, but is a little slow-moving. There was a rather pointless sequel.
Directed by Aaron Lipstad.
The ever present, mid-eighties cheeze film star, John Stockwell plays the hero in this trash flick about a future in which unruly gangs of teens have free reign over a huge, deserted section of a city. Their freedom is threatened, however, by a strange company (which never really explains itself well) that wants to move into their turf. The company is led by none other than...Robby Benson! Film also features roles by such badfilm greats as Kim Cattral and Rae Dawn Chong, AND a guest appearance by James Earl Jones. Very laughable.
Directed by Michael Chapman.
The first in a series of sappy, over-sentimental novels about cave-people, made into a film. Darryl Hannah plays a woman outcast from her tribe, who finds haven in another tribe and makes deep spiritual discoveries. The film is quite literally, a low-brow "chick-flick" style story set in the world of cavemen with a made up cave-dialect (with subtitles). It's barely a step above the abysmal cave-people flop Caveman, with Ringo Starr.
Directed by Desmond Davis.
One of the
great all time, old-fashioned, fantasy tales with token stop-motion creatures.
The classic, mythological tale of Perseus is given the Ray Harryhausen
treatment. Somewhat laughable at the seriousness with which it tries to take
itself. Scenes of the gods discussing matters on "Mount Olympus" are pretty
goofy considering the calibur status of the actors (Lawrence Olivier as Zeus
gains a chuckle), not to mention that these scenes probably were the majority of
the budget. Lots of fun.
Directed by Jack Starett.
Classic 70's blaxploitation. Cleopatra Jones, special government drug fighting agent and femme-fatale, takes to the New York streets to clean up the drug racket of mobster "Mommy", played by Shelly Winters. Goofy, and filled with classic dialog and characters. Besides, any female government agent that drives a purple Corvette with guns on board while wearing a mink coat has GOT to have something going for her! A good, satirical send up of this film (featuring many of the actors from this film) can be found in the movie I'm Gonna Git You Sucka!.
Directed by Richard Franklin.
Henry Thomas (of E.T. fame) thinks an invisible super-spy (Dabney Coleman) is pushing him into espionage and adventure, but of course, adults can't see him or hear him. Despite being loosely based on a novel, the film actually took more advantage of trying to market the film as if it was somehow related to popular (at the time) video game "Cloak and Dagger". A special release of the game for the Atari 7800 used the film as a sort of influence in marketing. If you're a video game fanatic like me, you'll remember the game had NOTHING to do with this flick, and was actually in arcades long before it.
Directed by Jonathan Lynn.
Using board games as sources for film material just doesn't work. Despite some funny moments, this film doesn't work. Various actors (playing characters from the famous board game) gather in a mansion to expose a man blackmailing them. People are murdered, and the whole movie tries to unravel it (with Tim Curry as the butler). Originally, Clue was filmed with 3 different endings, which played randomly in theatres (although I distinctly remember my movie listings telling you which ending was showing where....A, B, or C). The video and cable version has all 3 endings. It's iffy at best, but the only film (to my knowledge) that has Colleen Camp in a French maid's outfit...that's about the height of the film.
Directed by George P. Cosmatos.
The same writers, producers, and director of Rambo: First Blood Part II, pieced together this sloppy action film. Loads of terrible dialog follows Sylvester Stallone around as wipes crime from the street "his way". He chases a serial killer who leads a vicious cult...Brigitte Nielsen is a model they stalk. The opening sequence served as the unforgettably cheezy trailer.
Directed by Jack Hill.
One of Jack Hill's contributions to the world of 70's "blaxploitation" cinema. Pam Grier, in her first major role, stars as "Coffy", a nurse whose sister is the victim of local drug dealers. She decides to clean up the streets by infiltrating the various levels of underworld crime and takin' out the baddies. As usual, for being a Jack Hill film, Coffy is a superior film for this genre, although that's not to say it's not laughable. Coffy takes on dealers, a pimp named "King George", mobsters, and the like. Lots of fun, with great dialog and memorable scenes. Includes Sid Haig as a mob henchman. Goes beyond alot of the usual stuff of this type.
Directed by Mark Lester.
Pretty much Arnold Schwarzenegger's dumbest movie. A silly action/adventure with lots of gore and one-liners.....it plays out like it's spoofing these 80's actioneers, but it's not. Vernon Welles (in another villain role) appears, as does support from Rae Dawn Chong. Arnold's daughter is kidnapped so he goes and gets her back. Bill Duke (who also starred with Arnold in Predator) makes an appearance as well.
Directed by Dick Powell.
If you hate John Wayne movies as much as me, you'll probably like this flick. A laughable and, for the time, obscenely expensive epic about Genghis Khan. Except there's alot wrong with it...namely, John Wayne as Genghis Khan. The film was funded by mysterious recluse, Howard Hughes, who later fought to keep the film from audiences after it's initial failure. Much of the filming was done in areas in the US Southwest still radioactive from all the 50's atomic testing going on, and as a result, more than half of the central cast have since died of cancer. The film itself is filled with terrible writing and just bad everything. It was a disaster in so many ways, it's very tragic.
Directed by Charles Band.
ANOTHER funky-ass Charles Band creation about robots, for those who are completists after seeing Robot Jox. Basically a group of people go to battle with a giant robot trying to kill them. Somewhat more "mature" (I guess) than most of the Band family celluoid.
Directed by Herbert Strock.
A very strange and surreal horror flick about a disembodied hand that moves about killing people. However, what really sets this film apart from most the B-horror 60's genre, is it's totally wild plot. The story involves NASA killing (by remote) an astronaut returning to Earth from Mars or the Moon (can't remember which) because he goes insanse and talks about wanting to kill Earthlings (I presume this was intended to tell the viewer he had been posessed by an alien or something??). His arm washes up on a shore, and a guy decides to bring it home with him and put in the refridgerator. It gets out and starts reaping havoc. It's a very silly film that is surprisingly tasteless for the era. I've heard from several sources that this film was the public's introduction to the now legendary song "The Bird" by the Rivingtons.
Directed William Malone.
Of all the billions of Alien rip-offs, this film comes closet to being more honest and right-on than all others. That doesn't make it all that good, though. An alien gets on board a ship etc...etc...but there's a difference! The victims become servants to the alien! There's some goofyness and good violent fun, however I'm still trying to figure out if the reason that one of central characters, Hans Rudy (played by Klaus Kinski), is named as such as some sort of "in" reference to H. R. Giger (artist for the original Alien).
Directed by Jack Arnold.
An all time classic, considered a "horror film's horror film" in it's day, and originally filmed and theatrically shown in 3-D. Basically a group of archaeologists go looking for an ancient fish specimen in a deep jungle, only to find that a strange creature dwells there. Today, the film is a bit goofy, but you can still see why it was so revered in it's day. If you get the divine chance (as I have) to see this in the theatre with 3-D, do it..it's great fun.
Directed by Juan Fortuny.
This weird serial horror series deserves mention for one reason. The Crimson Ghost is the logo for the infamous punk band "The Misfits"! Now you can spring that trivia on your friends who all wear Misfit's apparel. That skull?? That's the Crimson Ghost. Avoid the colorized versions.
Directed by Stephen Herek.
One of the more "famous" of the mid-80's sci-fi/horror flicks. A group of nasty, furry, small creatures escape intergalatic conviction by escaping to Earth where they not only wreak havoc, but are pursued by some interstellar bounty hunters. Not a bad flick...it's got enough humor and bizarro action to be entertaining, but it's concept came from an age old, cheezy ideal. Look for a young Billy Zane (Dead Calm, The Phantom) in a wasted small role. There a number of sequels, but they all were pretty much wasteful, lame rehashes, with the exception of Critters 4 which was an entertaining cheeze-romp in space.
Directed by William Friedkin.
I wasn't sure where this movie fit....but it has to mentioned to budding cinema buffs. Al Pacino stars in this hardly-ever-mentioned-in-his-career flick. He plays an undercover cop who infiltrates the New York City gay scene in order to catch a gay serial killer. The film is strange, and in many ways quite good. But it understandably upset the gay community due it's portrayal of gays as all being leather-freak whores. The movie has a surreal undercurrent of portraying Pacino as a man who can't seem to figure out if he actually likes the gay scene.
Directed by Juan Piquer Simon.
Yet another miserable attempt at weaving the great, classic, masterful horror lore of writer H.P. Lovecraft, into a low budget crap-fest. However, crap-fest aside, this film is one hilarious dog! It features people getting killed by a possessed refridgerator and showers filling with blood. Filled with some of the goofiest horror sequences I can think of (and it IS intended to be serious). Check it out. Hey, Full Moon Entertainment! Leave Lovecraft alone PLEASE!
Directed by Lewis Teague.
Based on the Stephen King novel about a deadly, rabid dog. The film doesn't quite work since the subject matter is much more fitted to book-form. It's a bit slow moving, but memorable. A little laughable as well.
Directed by David Keith.
Director Keith (who is not a bad actor) is responsible for this miserable horror film about a farm that becomes "posessed" by a strange interstellar virus that causes lots of strange stuff. Features Wil Wheaton (better known as the most hated character on TV's "Star Trek: Next Generation", Wesley Crusher). Supposedly based on H.P. Lovecraft's brilliant short story "The Colour From Out of Space", but it doesn't come close. Several sequels followed, none of which have anything to do with this original plot.
Directed by Albert Pyun.
Jean-Claude Van Damme's career can't really quite recover from this bomb. Damme plays a guy who escorts a robot across the futuristic US, but is all the while pursued by gang led by a weird surfer guy with green eyes. The robot will save the world somehow, so it's important. It's pretty sad, and the surfer evil guy just won't stop screaming.....ever.
Directed by Michael Schroder.
Something happened in the late 80's to get people obsessed with Deliverance clones. This particularly poor one is about a psychotic river-tour guide who turns on his tour-clients. Chaos ensues..adventure..action....whatever.
Directed by Simon Wincer.
One of those "high-tech-y" sci-fi films of the 80's geared towards younger kids. It's an interesting plot about a kid who is taken from his normal life (a mystery) and put into a foster family who then learn that he's actually a super-advanced robot. Unfortunately, the film turns into sappy drivel and ruins the plot. Oh well.....
Directed by Holger Harrivirta.
Although based on actual Norse mythology, it doesn't help make it any less hilarious. Lemmenkainen attempts to get his dearest love, Anniky, out from the clutches of an evil witch named Louhky. Filled with incomprehensible weirdness, the film gets to it's absolute funniest when Louhky demands that she be given a "sampo" in return for Anniky's life. We discover, according to Norse lore, that a "sampo" is a magical pile of...something, that grants wishes. A must see, although virtually unobtainable from American International Pictures..
Directed by Robert Wise.
An all
time, sci-fi classic, even though somewhat dated and mildly humorous. An alien
named Klaatu, and his robot guard, Gort land on Earth to deliver a message of
friendship, but Earth people being a bit dim witted, treat Klaatu with hostility
thus provoking him to eventually resort to violent means to teach the Earth a
lesson. One of those films that had a forever lasting influence on cinema to
come...especially sci-fi.
Directed by Mark Goldblatt.
Few films get as equally strange AND terrible at the same time. Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo are buddy cops who turn into zombies and fight a crime-wave based around the undead. Vincent Price appears as a villian, but it's nothing special. This film REALLY sucks....it's a void of negative talent. See it for some good laughs.
Directed by Michael Fischa.
I rented this because I thought it would be a cool, cheezy, ultra-gory horror film. It's cheezy alright, but dissapoints on the gore level. Anyhow, the film is about a high tech spa where the controlling computers become posessed and go crazy. People get killed in various nasty ways, although the gore is, as I said, not as cool as you'd expect. Check it out though for a great, laughable ride.
Directed by John Watson.
You've seen this one...you've seen just about all of the 4 Deathstalker films. A really sad, funny, screwy "swords and sorcery" flick with lots of breasts, magic, loincloths, and fighting. It also features a role by former Playboy playmate, Barbi Benton who, thankfully, has no speaking lines..... If I recall correctly, one of the sequels featured David "Kung Fu" Carradine in a starring role.
Directed by Dick Richards.
An incomprehensibly poor "slasher" flick, that makes most of the wave of 80's "hack and slash" look really well made. Peter Billingsley (most beloved universally as the star of A Christmas Story) is featured as a child who is on vacation with his family in an "old frontier" themed resort town. While there, a crazy decides to start killing residents for, apparantly no reason. Well, about an hour and half later, if you can figure what was going on, you might get some satisfaction out of it. Very funny...and very senseless.
Directed by Sean S. Cunningham.
Cunningham (director of the original Friday the 13th), crafts this underwater monster film, one in a series of such films to be released in the late 80's. Another underwater research crew encounters a rather powerful little beastie who is intent in munching humans. Lots of cheezed up suspense and characters from out of a 50's monster flick, this one's a keeper.
Directed by Paul Donovan.
A weird Mad Max clone about astronauts who come back to a war torn Earth and have to deal with the mess. It's got some interesting zombie/mutant action and it's laughable....check it out.
Directed by Menahem Golan.
Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin head an all-star cast in this terrorist movie. Islamic fanatics take over an Athens bound flight and George Kennedy, Shelly Winters, Martin Balsam, and Bo Svenson (among others) are held hostage. A cheeze-borne Norris and pals shoot stuff and blow things up. Followed by some dumb sequels.
Directed by Robert Kirk.
Lyle Alzedo stars as a killer who is resurrected from death by the electric power that killed him. Really weird and dumb, and maybe the only role the late Alzedo really fits into. Very goofy, with some neat killings.
Directed by Michele Soavi.
Despite this being a Soavi film and produced by Dario Argento, it's pretty wacky. It's supposed to be a horror film in which a strange-looking Herbert Lom decends upon the household of a young woman (Jamie Lee Curtis' sister, Kelly) and tries to reawaken the anti-Christ. At least....that's what I THINK the film is supposed to be about....it's a confusing and laughable jumble of images with confusing hallucination scenes and non-descript events that are never explained. Soavi's previous film, The Church,was much better. Advertised as "Demons 4" in Italy.
Directed by Ulli Lommel.
Co-produced by Bill Rebane (The Giant Spider Invasion), this is a witch/horror genre flick that's kind of funny. 3 women are accused of being witches 300 years after a similar incident in the small town of Devonsville. There's some interesting death scenes and minor bits of gore and weird effects. It's not much of a horror film though.
Directed by Holte C. Caston.
It's a stinker. Peter Billingsley, who enjoyed 15 minutes of fame after the hugely successful A Christmas Story, stars as a kid who takes on bad guys with a dirt bike that flies. Get some friends and MST it.
Directed by Oliver Stone.
Modern-day exploitation at it's best. A muddled, overlong, and sometimes boring portrait of the infamous 70's rock group "The Doors". Unfortunately, the interesting people in the band (as usual) take a back seat to the story of pseudo-intellectual drunk, Jim Morrison. Val Kilmer does a good job as Morrison and even sings some of the songs himself. The film has tons of memorable imagery and embodies the gimpy hippie mentality quite well. However, the film tries too hard to convince the viewer Jim Morrison was a genius....a subject that's very debatable. Watch it for the cool effects and Fellini-esque scenes of drug orgies.
Directed by Christopher Coppola.
I can't remember why I watched this...but I did. Sylvia Krystel (who was the original "Emannuelle" in the softcore porn movie series of the same name before it turned "mondo") plays the lover of Dracula. Set in modern day, she sets her sights on killing the ancestor or Professor Van Helsing as revenge for Helsing helping to kill off Dracula. It's really stupid and slow-moving, though. Nothing much really happens..there's some mild deaths and weirdness. Much to my surprise Sylvia Krystel doesn't do any softcore or take off her clothes, really. The director is related to Francis Ford Coppola, which is ironic considering Francis would go on to do Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Directed by Joseph Rubin.
This film was a critical failure and a financial bomb and it's not hard to see why. Dennis Quaid stars as a telepath-type guy who can go into peoples dreams. There's some espionage plot elements and such about these dream people being used for assassinations. The dream sequences are pretty goofy though, if not very weird. There's alot of subliminal monsters and interesting dream imagery, but it's mired by the ridiculous plot and mental fights between Quaid and an "evil" dreamwalker. This was the first film to ever be rated PG-13...the semi-pointless halfway to an "R" rating that means virtually nothing to the audience.
Directed primarily by Charles Band, but switched between about 7 different directors during filming.
Lovely piece of classic crap from the "Band" team. Richard Moll, decides to play games with mans' life by throwing him into a strange supernatural contest with a host of weird tasks. With only a talking armband to help him through, the man (Jeffery Byrons) proceeds on this cheeze-filled classic. Alot of the actors, as well the vehicles from the "future" section of the film, were recycled to create Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn.
Directed by Gerard Kikoine.
Despite starring Anthony Perkins(who did almost uncountable amounts of weird films before his death) this messy "Jeckyl and Hyde" retelling doesn't cut it really. Perkins is more like Jack The Ripper than Jeckyll and Hyde, and kills women. The movie feels like a really bad version of Crimes of Passion (which also featured Perkins). In any case, it's worth watching for Perkins' over the top performance, but it's pretty poor overall....and boring.
Directed by Arch Hall Sr.
A very strange and dumbfounding experience. A young girl discovers a cave man living in Californian mountains (played by Richard Kiel, best known as the "Jaws" character from James Bond films), however the cave man decides to kidnap her and her father and keep them captive. Eventually Eegah (the caveman) goes into the city and causes some chaos. A young, pre-director Ray Dennis Steckler is thrown into the pool towards the end. Kiel, now a born again Christian and Conserative Right supporter, ironically was once going to be involved in a project where he played a similar caveman, except when he got into the city, he would find God rather than go rampant....hmmmmmm.
Directed by James Signorelli.
In an ironic twist of fate, Cassandra Peterson ("Elvira") starred in this low-brow horror/comedy flick after years of noteriety as a sexy, sultry late night movie host where she fell into disfavor with many movie buffs for making fun of films in an "MST" style way when the movies were supposed to be shown uncut. I'm a little easier on her than some people... :) The film is OK, but it's laughable and something of a come-uppance for dear Elvira. In the film, she inherits a haunted house and fends off moralists by trying to convince people to loosen up. Not a bad message I guess....but not a very good film.
Directed by Just Jaeckin.
Few movie buffs haven't seen this. The legendary softcore porn flick (based on a novel) in which Sylvia Krystel has sex in several exotic locales. The film earned more than 10 times it's production cost and spawned a horde of sequels. Once Italian director Joe D'Amato (the "Ator" films) got ahold of the films, he turned them into some of the most extreme, surreal mondo films ever made. (I found them unwatchable)
Directed by Duncan Gibbins.
A really, REALLY screwed up flick about a female robot/Terminator thingy that goes berserk with a self-destruct device inside her. Pointless, poorly made, and hilariously dumb. Gregory Hines' lowest point ever.
Directed by John Boorman.
Although a talented director, Boorman crafted this gigantic bomb. One of the worst films ever made, unquestionably, is a senseless, miserable, confusing sequel to the original in which a grown-up Regan (re-played by Linda Blair) is still scrutinized by a priest (Richard Burton) for being possibly still effected by demonic possession. This leads into a nonsense sub-plot about a Sumerian demon in Africa..etc..etc.. This film is BAD, and perhaps one of the worst sequels ever made, despite it's strong cast and high budget effects.
Directed by Joe Dante.
Let's face it. This film sucks. Growing up in the 80's, when film was getting stronger and bigger all the time, this film promised the younger viewers a great "youth-oriented" sci-tale. Instead, we all got ripped off.....BIG TIME! A wonderful plot about a group of mismatched kids collaborating on a way to travel into space using a circuit and equation given to them in a dream, is good. Unfortunately, when they get into space, they find that the eternal mystery to outer space is that aliens are stupid, vapid, cheezy, toilet-humored, losers. Like the (young) Ethan Hawke character in the film, you'll be JUST as let down as he is.
Directed by James Glickenhaus.
Robert Ginty stars as a weird street vigilante who decides to combat crime with more crime. It tries to be a taught thriller, but ends up as a muddled, stupid, cop story wannabe. Laughable, for the premise that Ginty is "The Exterminator" and goes out to clean up New York wearing a welding hat. I had hoped after this film and Glickenhaus' The Soldier he would go on to doing better, grittier action films.
Directed by Mark Buntzman.
Having virtually nothing to do with the first film, except Robert Ginty returns as the bizzare crimefigher, "The Exterminator", but far more laughable than the first. Now Exterminator primarily is fighting a strange gang of Road Warrior rejects, led by Mario Van Peebles as "X." It's as bad as it sounds.
Directed by Walter Hill.
Hill (48 Hours) used to be quite a bad boy in the exploitation style action flick world. Now he's kind of faltering. In this flick, Nick Nolte plays a Texas Ranger who goes after drugs smugglers led by Powers Boothe. There's the usual Walter Hill flare for violence and grit, but it's just not as good as his films like The Driver, and Another 48 Hours.
Directed by Avery Crounce.
A Reverend in the Puritan days, is chased out of his community, accused of a general heaping of sinning. He and his followers settle in a wilderness valley that turns out to be posessed by strange spirits. The spirits begin doing spirit things, and begin slowly tormenting the settlers. An obscure, but potent B-horror film gem. Goofy effects, and a dollop of over-acting, make for a very unusual piece of work. Should be fairly easy to find in most video places.
Directed by "Conan Le Cilaire".
The infamous snuff film that spawned a series of ultra-popular video releases and midnight-film hits. However, unlike many mondo films, just about everything in the series is fake. Very little of the footage is real...it's usually easy to spot to real footage, because it's reasonably accurate....things like autopsies or natural disasters. The fake footage consists of some pretty funny stuff though. The series turned really goofy in number 4, in which an obviously faked "Doctor" character (complete with lava-lamp in his office) narrarates. The series, despite it's fakeness, gained more attention than real snuff/mondo films and subsequently underwent mass bannings and rivers of controversy over it's video store rental popularity. Ironically enough, the films are terrible and can't even match the best mondo and snuff. ("best" being a relative term...I personally don't like the stuff...) To the best of my knowledge 6 official Faces of Death films have been made. Suggestion for viewers: if you REALLY like this kind of stuff, I'd reccomend instead the little known film Death Scenes (hosted by Anton LeVay). If I recall ,versions of this film (and a book) are available from Feral House Publishing.
Directed by Tommy Chong.
Tommy Chong's attempt at re-kindling the "Cheech and Chong" era LONG after it was passed. Chong stars as a stoner trying to find his family. His real-life wife stars as his wife, Rae Dawn Chong (his real-life daughter) and C. Thomas Howell (Rae's real-life husband) also appear, as well as other familiar faces. It's OK, but kinda boring and unfunny since Chong's solo stoner jokes wear thin after the first few minutes.
Directed by Andrew Davis.
One of the first Friday the 13th clones if not THE first. It's pretty much terrible and subscribes to all the cheezy horror film rules like: have sex...you die. It's Darryl Hannah's earliest role of any substance.
Directed by Mark Lester.
A very young Drew Barrymore (her first film) stars as a little girl who has psychokinetic abilites to control fire. Based on a book by Stephen King, the film translates the novel OK, but the novel wasn't that great in the first place so the movie is a little on the boring, overlong side.
Directed by J. Lee Thompson.
Chuck Norris and Louis Gosset Jr. team up in this terrible Indiana Jones wannabe flick. Norris tries to be funny, and Gosset must have cried whilst making this. The plot involves the two going on a quest to find some sort of mystical ancient dagger....there's some kung-fu type stuff, but....it doesn't really matter...
Directed by Ted Kotcheff.
Despite the fact that this films' sequel (Rambo) was pretty stupid and caused a ridiculous fad of dim action films, the original is actually quite a good film. While slightly on the cheezy side, it's an intense action/drama that works much better if you forget it's sequels. Sylvester Stallone plays a Vietnam war vet who wanders into a small Oregon town looking for war-buddies. While in town, a redneck sherrif tries to humiliate him and make him out to be some sort of vagrant and kicks him out of town. Not to be humiliated, Stallone heads back into town in defiance and is arrested. He violently breaks out of jail and heads into the wilderness. The police (in their "hick-ishness") expect him to be some nobody but find him to be a one man army. It's got a great ending, and the whole film is alot of fun and really well made.....there should NEVER have been such a terrible sequel.
Directed by Robert Resnikoff.
Back when Lou Diamond Phillips was set to become a huge star, this film probably destroyed his whole career. (He now is mostly in straight to video releases) He plays a cop trying to stop a serial killer who claims to use Satantic powers to live on from death. It started a wave of films about convicted killers turning into spirits and possessing people's bodies. It's not that good...although a scene where a nun becomes posessed is kind of funny.
Directed by Cheng Chang-Ho.
The first big kung-fu hit in America, before Bruce Lee became a household word. A man decides to become a martial arts student to compete in a local competition after his master is brutalized by the competing school. In the process, he is taught the "Hand of Death" technique, but even he becomes the target of those hoping to beat him up. A good "chop-socky" film, with lots of bad dubbing and laughable dialog/fights/etc...
Directed by Randal Kleiser.
Yet another of the 80's flicks made for kids that treats them like idiots. A very cool plot about a young boy mysteriously travelling several years forward in time only to find himself locked up by the government because they think there's some connection between him and a recently found spacecraft. However, it all falls apart in typical "kid movie" style when the spacecraft's robot pilot is voiced by Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman) and all kinds of dumb humor and slapstick are added in. This was one of the earliest (if not the first) films to use CGI for effects.
Directed by Brian Levant.
An overly expensive and terrible attempt at bringing the classic cartoon to film. Muddled in the typical Hollywood way, the film is visually interesting, but tries so hard to put the classic Flintstones characters into awkward situations because someone (over 20 writers) thought it would be funny. John Goodman is a good Fred....Rick Moranis is a funny Barney Rubble, and Rosie O'Donnell makes a terrible, unfitting Betty Rubble. The once great underground band "My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult" actually contributed a song to this film's soundtrack, as did the "B-52's". The director graduated from the film course at my local state University (UNM).
Directed by Chris Walas.
An attempt to make a sequel to the David Cronenberg, 1986 film. Wheras the 1986 film was stylish and powerful remake of the original, this film is a miserable sequel that goes nowhere and features terrible actors (they don't really fit).. Obviously the creators of this film tried emualting Cronenberg's gore and brutaltity, except that Cronenberg's Fly has crafting skill behind it. The film IS admittedly entertaining on a very base level, and it provides alot of blood, guts, and violence, but it sucks as a sequel to the Cronenberg film and is basically not much better than 50's horror B-movies.
Directed by Jack Hill.
Another Jack Hill great. Pam Grier stars in another "woman fighting drug dealers" film, very much like Coffy (also directed by Hill). Except this one's got more violence and brutality than Coffy. There's some groovy action when Pam starts kickin' butt as usual, when drug-dealers kill "her man". Super- posuer extraordinare, director Quentin Tarantino (whose lame ass comments on how cool he thinks he is open up the new VHS print of Hill's Switchblade Sisters), is ripping off Jack Hill without shame in his disgusting next film project, Jacky Brown (starring Pam Grier), and if that's not cheezy enough for you, he's even putting Sid Haig in it. Mr. Hill....please kick his ass.
Directed by Rachel Talalay.
Everyone WANTED this to be the last Nightmare on Elm Street movie, but it wasn't. The film is mostly about Freddy Kruger's past, and features a strange cast of mostly cameos. It's really weird and the final 15 minutes are in 3-D (they originally gave out the glasses at theatres). The glasses are actually introduced as part of the plot ("You need them to see in Freddy's dream realm"). It's really gimpy, but some of the scenes are funny, like Alice Cooper as Freddy's dad. The film uses so much poor hand-held camera work, it made me throw up.
Directed by Geoff Murphy.
From the director of the good Quiet Earth (on my "Watch the Weird" section), comes this massive bomb. Tons of potential for an interesting film goes down the toilet in this badly crafted, poorly assembled sci-fi film about an auto racer who winds up 20 years in future only to discover he was saved from an inevitable death to have his body be used as a host body for people who are dead, but pay money to be reimplanted (by computer) into new bodies. High budget and visually stylish, this film could have been good could if not for several downfalls (one of the biggest being that in the future none of the auto racers friends have visibly aged in the 20 years). Mick Jagger plays a military force leader (laughably) and Anthony Hopkins is wasted in a final scene that looks like it was made for druggies to get high on, rather than forcebly entertain. The whole film is very laughable, with some laughable special effects.
Directed by Sean S. Cunningham.
The film that began the most infamous series of cheeze horror cinema, and although the sequels may be pretty lame and laughable, there's nothing like the original. A group of idiotic camp counselors at a summer camp at Crystal Lake start being picked off one by one. Of course, it would have helped if they had LEFT Crystal Lake and not hung around having sex and looking around dark corners. The ending, if you don't know it already, is truly goofy.
Directed by Ronald Moore.
A horrible attempt at making a sort of "Mad Max" film that duped loads of people into seeing it because the cover art for the poster and video box was done by master surrealist H.R. Giger. The cast features a few people from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,which was a marketing point. Horrid costumes, horrid humor, boring and bad. However, it IS funny at many points as just how stupid it is. I don't even remember there being a plot.
Directed by Tibor Takacs.
This film was another one of my faves when I was younger. It's such a great, B-movie style, laughable horror movie, with enough weirdness to satsify. It's worth owning...<g> A young boy and his friend listen to a heavy metal album that talk about demons coming to take back the world, and what do you know, the prophecies of evil start coming true and eventually and old stump hole in their backyard turns into a gate from hell. Some decent special effects are features as well as the usual dose of teenage "hooligan" crap.
Directed by Tibor Takacs.
Whereas the first was goofy fun, this film is a mindnumbingly stupid sequel with no point and no redemption. The "heavy metal" kid from the first film is the only orignal cast member to return. The demons return..etc..etc.. About the only funny thing about this film is the fact part of it (if I recall correctly) features some kids using fake money created through the use of dark magic, that eventually turns into shit!
Directed by Bill Norton.
This flick was one of my cheeze favorites as a kid. A horrid, made-for-TV romp about a famous archaeologist who discovers that a group of gargoyle creatures has made their home in some New Mexico mountains. The film is a a great textbook example of a B-movie. The film features an appearance by a young Scott Glenn as a local, motorcycling, tough-guy.
Directed by Alan Levi.
A made for TV flick that was utterly horrible and equally hilarious. Also known as Codename: Minus One, this TV series pilot starred Ben Murphy as a special secret agent who is turned invisible in a radiation accident and uses the power to be a better spy. The TV series, to the best of my knowledge, lasted a week or two before it's miserable failure, and then the concept was re-used again for an equally sad TV movie titled Rider With Death (now infamous from it's MST showing) which was Gemini Man's last hurrah. The pilot film, TV series, and final movie (Rider With Death) all gave a credit that it was "based on the novel by H.G. Welles." I can only imagine they're referencing "The Invisible Man" since Welles wrote nothing even approaching the stupidity of "Gemini Man."
Directed by Ivan Reitman.
This monster hit influenced alot of film to come. Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, and Dan Aykroyd star as loose-witted paranormal investigators who decide to start a business getting rid of ghosts. It has a firm basis on MANY older serials from the 40's and 50's (I'm surprised there were no major legal battles) and stars Sigourney Weaver as a woman who thinks her apartment might be haunted. It turns out the building is a big antenna for supernatural activity, and some bad-ass demons come knocking on the door. When it was released it was genuinely funny, but stupid marketing tie-ins and desperate attempts to glean money from it (including 2 cartoon series, one of which based on an old serial that was very similar, except it had a gorilla as one of the ghost hunters) turned it into a sour, cultural cliche'.
Directed by Ivan Reitman.
While the first film was reasonably well made and genuinely entertaining, this pitiful sequel was obviously written for the money. The original team reunites (after financial troubles) to stop a strange demon originating from an ancient painting. An interesting plot turns into a stupid morality message about "being nice to people" and is just all around vastly downgraded from the original's style.
Directed by Luca Bercovici.
The first in a hopeless series of toilet-humored, light-horror films about a group of little trolls and demons who get lose and wreak havoc among teens and such. It inspired a few clones, and was itself probably inspired from Gremlins. One of the most memorable clones was Hobgoblins.
Directed by Ray Kellogg.
A great
piece of B-monster cinema. A huge gila monster (that's pronounced "heela"
monster by the way) begins killing off some teenagers and wreaking general
havoc. Footage of the gila monster was acheived by taking a regular sized gila
monster, shooting footage of it on minature landscapes, and editing that into
the film, thus insuring truckloads of continuity errors and laughably poor
effects strategy. Worth a watch for it's ludicrous plot involing "teen rockers"
stumbling onto ways of fighting the monster. Also features some great, memorably
dumb characters, and "rock 'n' roll!"
Directed by Bill Rebane.
This one FINALLY got it's deserved place on the MST hall of fame, recently! A great, stupid, inept giant insect movie about spiders who come out of rocks which, in turn, came out of what is eventually explained as being a "black hole" opened on Earth. Gimmie a break, Bill. Alan "Skipper" Hale plays the local sherrif who, literally, spends 99% of his onscreen role time talking on the phone whilst spiders terrorize the town. The film gets goofier and goofier until it climaxes with the giant spider wandering into town to munch.
Directed by Howard W. Koch.
Even -I- had a hard time believing the lacklustre Howard Koch was involved with this film. It's a silly, and typical, 50's crime story, but is worthy of mention as many people believe this film was where director David Lynch drew much of his inspiration for his TV series idea "Twin Peaks". To the best of my knowledge, Lynch has never cited this film as an influence, but if you're a "Peaks" fan, watch this film and see if you can disagree Lynch gleaned at least SOMETHING from it.
Directed by Graeme Clifford.
Christian Slater's first major screen role is a so-so entertaining "skater age" film. Slater plays a punk/skater type whose adopted Vietnamese brother is killed, but no one wants to take the death seriously as a possible murder. Slater and his skater friends try to uncover the truth. A few real-life professional skaters appear in the film, most notably Tony Hawk.
Directed by Stan Winston.
Unbelievably enough, special effects legend Stan Winston (director of Pumpkinhead) directed this very odd, not very funny film about a cop (Anthony Michael Hall) who teams up with a magical Gnome. It's really terrible...
Directed by David Greene.
This hokey Jesus Christ Superstar clone is both scary and hilarious at the same time. It's the Biblical Gospel stories, set to frentic "hippie" style rock-n-roll, set in modern day, with a cast of Hair rejects in really out-there costumes. Lots of weird musical numbers and characterizations of Biblical characters are to be expected. As much as this film is pretty goofy, it's actually alot better than Jesus Christ Superstar, simply for it's over-the-top weirdness that JCS seemed to balk at getting into.
Directed by Joseph Rubin.
After starring in "feel good" comedies, child-actor Macaulay Culkin took on this "bad" role where he plays Elijah Wood's cousin. Culkin turns out to be an evil, bad tempered child and Elijah Wood tries to convince everyone of it, but no one wants to believe that sweet, little Culkin is a psycho. It's funny at it's face value, but ultimately forgettable as more Culkin trash. If they had gotten a kid with actual talent to play the bad kid, it might have been better. This was one Culkin's films where his father exorted more money from the studio by threatening to let Culkin appear, then stole his son's salary for himself. Culkin would later divorce his parents and stop acting. At present he still has not gone back to acting...
Directed by Ralph S. Singleton.
A miserable, but funny film, that's another the series of films to make a bogus claim it's based on a Stephen King story....basically, it's not...I've read the original. In the film, a man works late nights at a textile mill and discovers a giant bat is killing off the workers. About the only cool thing in this film is Brad Dourif (one of cinema's most underused actors) as a man hired to help to kill the beastie. In the original story, it's about large rats (not monstrous) and merely implies their existance and doesn't sucumb to telling this retarded story of people dying in the dark etc.... Stephen King should have sued to have his name taken off the film.
Directed by Gerard Ciccoritti.
One of the worst horror films I've ever seen. A mindnumbingly boring story about a vampire who drives a late-night taxicab. Supposedly this was a big hit on home video, but I can't see how. The vampire falls in love with a television director and purses her. I thought it moved slow enough to take the audience back in time.
Directed by William Friedkin.
Probably Friedkin's worst film. A sinister nanny who sacrifices kids to a tree god is hired by a young couple. The nanny is later referred to as a "Druid" but I have no idea where that comes from since Druids have nothing to do with killing kids for trees. Anyhow, the couple tangles with the nanny and her supernatural forces. There's alot of gore and tons of laughable errors. I'ts very unusual, but dumb.
Directed by Robert Clouse.
Legendary American martial arts film director, Clouse (Enter The Dragon) was behind this bizzare, terrible feature that starred Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas. Thomas attempts to get through a strange "decathalon" of various fighters and dangers, all of which are pretty lame. The action isn't very good, but the movie is fiercely funny. Check it out.
Directed by Ian Softley.
This pitifully executed film probably did more to set back to proper education of computer-illiterate people than anything else. A group of "alternative" teens band together under the moniker that they're "hackers", and eventually wind up fighting an evil corporation trying to frame them for a crime. Despite a few inspired moments of computer knowledgability, 99% of the film is garbage that misrepresents real hackers, and alienates anyone that's been using computers since the mid-80's. Fisher Stevens is pretty funny trying to be an "evil, scary" computer security man. After this film came out, there was hardly an Internet/BBS newbie who didn't use the handle "ZeroCool" (referencing the film's central character). The film's title best describes the authors of the script.
Directed by Luigi Cozzi.
As if the Italians weren't doing a goofy enough job of the Herculean myth films, the American production company of Cannon films (Golan/Globus) took a swing at it, with none other than "the Incredible Hulk", Lou Ferrigno as the Herc. If you thought the Italian films were laughable, get ready for this one. Featuring some of the most mindblowingly cheezy effects for the age (including a scene in which Herc tangles with a bear that is so PAINFULLY, obviously, a man in a suit it's amazing) and lots of scantily clad women, including the ever present Sybil Danning. This Herc interpretation is so bizzare and "sci-fi-ish" that it goes beyond this world. Also, Ferrigno's voice WASN'T dubbed, and for those of you who weren't "Incredible Hulk" fans, at this time in his career, Ferrigno was one step away from total deafness, thus his voice sounds utterly retarded, though not his fault. There was a sequel.
Directed by Arthur Seidelman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's very first film appearance. A bad comedy in which Arnold plays Hercules visiting New York City. His voiced is dubbed poorly and I could never figure out if they dubbed his voice for a reason, or if the stupid sounding dubs were meant as a reference to the poorly dubbed original, Italian Herc films. Ironically, this film predated the Lou Ferrigno Hercules films, yet made funny situations out of stupid events that would be attempted SERIOUSLY in the Ferrigno films. Previous to this, Schwarzenegger made a few TV appearances, but this flop set back his movie career big-time. Conan wouldn't thrust him into the spotlight until 1982.
Directed by Bruce Pittman.
This film, though billed as a sequel, has nothing at all to do with the 1980 original. It's alot like Carrie and deals with the spirit of a scored teenage girl wreaking havoc on a high school. There's some interesting death scenes. 2 more films followed in the series.
Directed by Joe Johnston.
The usual Disney script for "comic mischief" is reused in this (at the time) ultra-expensive, effects laden, kiddie adventure. Rick Moranis plays a goofy inventor who accidentally shrinks his kids (and one neighbor kid) down to a size smaller than ants. The kids wind up in the backyard and have a big adventure getting back into the house. It's got impressive effects, but it slows down too much for "touching" scenes. Disney would milk with franchise for all it's worth. Two sequel films were made, one of which was straight to video (both were crap), and they even funded a really poor TV series (which has an entirely new cast...Peter Scolari playing the goofy scientist).
Directed by Steven Spielberg.
I'm not really sure what exactly Spielberg hoped to accomplish with this film. It doesn't really make much sense, even for a "fairy tale" type story. Robin Williams plays a corporate lawyer named Peter. When his kids are suddenly kidnapped, Peter's mother insists he was once Peter Pan, but grew old. (?) Then Robin is escorted to Neverneverland by Tinkerbell and the Lost Boys teach him to be Peter Pan again. (????) In my opinion, a new film version of "Peter Pan" would have been more fun than this weird, high-budget whim. Robin Williams is lousy and not much fun in his role, Dustin Hoffman makes a funny Captin Hook, and awards for worst role go to Julia Roberts (who had previously played a hooker in Pretty Woman) as Tinkerbell. The whole thing is very bizzare, and things get really scary when Robin Williams starts dressing like Peter Pan in green tights.
Directed by Willard Hyuck.
Few people in 1986 understood the fact that this box-office flop was based on the classic Marvel comic character, Howard the Duck. (except his comic persona was a bit different) Like many mid-80's sci-fi films, this one ramps up the toilet humor and low-brow attitude. Howard the Duck is accidentally transported from his planet to Earth by scientists experimenting with a special telescope. Unfortunately, when trying to send him back, the telescope also latches on to strange interstellar creatures known as the Dark Overlords, and one posesses a scientist. Lea Thompson is the girl who helps Howard. Tim Robbins is featured, and Jeffery Jones is the possessed scientist. The entire film was headed up by the same group of "friends" who had previously worked on such films as American Grafitti and Star Wars, including George Lucas. The movie is pretty poor, but some of the scenes are so oddly concieved (like the Dark Overlord trashing a truck stop), it makes the whole thing strangely fun.
Directed by Sam Newfield.
Another of the myriad of juvenile deliquent films that skyrocketed in the 40's-50's, but with a twist! The kid in this film doesnt't really do much of anything bad...he just goes to prison eventually for being a minor player in a mob...go figure. Anyway, it's a humorous film with lots of cheeze (it was done up on MST3K I believe), and for all you "old-school" Ministry fans out there, this is the film that was the origin of the long, lecture sample in their song "So What." Oh...did you want a plot? <g> A kid (who looks about 25) has parents who party and drink. He tries to seduce the girlfriend of a mob boss, and winds up getting framed for a mob hit. He flees and winds up being taken care of by a funky burger-joint operator and has a nice life...until...<drum roll>...
Directed by Stewart Raffil.
Perhaps one of the most infamous "badfilms" of the 80's. A mind-bogglingly tasteless and mindless sci-fi adventure featuring cheeze actor extraordinaire Robert Urich. Urich stars as the leader of a group of space pirates (which include Anjelica Huston and Ron Pearlman) who steal water, which, in the future, is a VERY precious commodity. Eventually they wind up helping a galactic princess look for her father across the universe, and wind up discovering a conspiracy to create inflated water demand. The film MIGHT have been somewhat acceptable as a mindless fare, except the terribly written humor, poor acting on the part of the psuedo-suave Robert Urich, and some cheezy characters make this one a stinker. But....an entertainly dumb stinker! <g>
Directed by Craig R. Baxley.
Former "A-Team" director and stunt co-ordinator, Baxley, directs this rather odd, laughable sci-fi flick starring Dolph Lundgren. An alien comes to Earth with the goal of sucking endorphins out of people's brains to use as an intergalactic narcotic. Dolph catches on and does battle with the alien, who fires deadly CD's out of his wrist and has a gun that blows up just about everything. On a bigger budget, this might have been more "epic", but it's pretty dissapointing, not to mention funny. The film's title is based on the fact that it's all the alien says.
Directed by Daniel Niera.
Roddy Piper is a policeman on the trail of some dissapeared people or something. He's parterned with (get ready for this) Sonny Chiba. Chiba is unintelligible due to his very thick Japanese accent, and Piper doesn't quite fit. They end up battling Meg Foster who controls fighting zombies. Wrestler Tiny Lister shows up in a small role. It's laughable, but boring in most parts.
Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler.
Absolute goofyness from B-cinema great, R.D. Steckler. Billed as a "monster musical", the film is 90% footage of musical acts, most of which, I assume, are meant to be suggestive and erotic. The remaining 10% of the film deals with a young hoodlum (played by Steckler as "Cash Flagg") who gets involved with a really spooky, funky-accented, fortune reader at a carnival and starts killing people. Having very little to do with incredibly strange creatures or mixed-up zombies, the film truly excels at hilarity and "badness." Check it out. This film was recently given a roasting on "MST3K", with only minor cuts (nudity).
Directed by Koji Ota.
Notable as Sonny Chiba's first big film appearance. This unbelievably corny Japanese film is one of the several types of Japanese films where a gangly and goofy superhero (usually named "space" something-or-other) comes to save the day versus aliens. The terrible dubbing in this one, makes it all the more great. Chiba's role is pretty small, and it was pre-karate flick period.
Directed by Alfred E. Green.
A hilarious film from the age of ultra-American filmmaking. A hypnotist in a bar manages to hypnotise all the patrons into seeing what would happen if we DARED to stop spending gobs and gobs of cash on the American war machine. What happens?? Well..the Russians launch a massive attack that we just CAN'T fight back since all us Americans were so chinsy with our military cash. Filled with some of the most laughably "patriotic" scenes I've ever seen, my favorite of which is a scene where a Russian soldier (disguised as an American) attempts to get into the White House when an American soldier tries to stop him by asking him who won the World Series.
Directed by Joseph Zito.
Not to be confused with the previously mentioned 1953 film, is this great, funny, Chuck Norris vehicle where he stops a force of evil Commies from blasting into the US and taking over! (Even though the entire Commie force is smaller than one Army platoon). Norris kicks ass as usual and heads go flying.
Directed by Sidney J. Furie.
An 80's classic about an 18 year-old son of a fighter pilot who decides to organize a mission to rescue his father from imprisonment in the Middle East. Louis Gosset Jr. plays a friend. There's lots of 80's rock music, some pretty decent fighter plane action, and lots of "teen-ness". It was pretty popular, despite being a bit poor in the writing department.
Directed by Sidney J. Furie.
This sequel is much better than the first film. It doesn't balk at being stupidly outlandish, and consequently is more fun. In this film, the kid from the first one is killed by a Russian figher in a skirmish. Some time later, American pilots and Russian pilots are teamed together to help take out a Middle Eastern army base holding nuclear weapons. There's better air-combat and overall effects. The film was wildly popular on the video market (as are most B-action films on video) and spawned another film, Iron Eagle III: Aces which was directed by John Glen, who had previously directed several James Bond films.
Directed by Jack Arnold.
The first film ever in 3-D. A sci-fi classic based on a story by Ray Bradubury. The plot is a little weird, but I'll give all those who haven't seen it out there a bit of a "surprise" if you can call it that, by not going into it. All you need to know is, the film was considered great in it's day, and even today it still holds a bit of clasic charm, despite it's unintentional sillyness. See it in 3-D if you can....it's a must.
Directed by Roger Corman.
"Every
man its prisoner! Every woman its slave!" One of my favorites of 50's, B-sci-fi.
A scientist played by Lee Van Cleef, discovers a way to talk, by radio, to a
creature living on Venus. His friend, Peter Graves, thinks he's just a bit
loony, until soon Cleef beings discussing how he wishes to help the being come
to Earth and take over the world. Yet again, he is ignored until strange, little
bat creatures begin latching themselves onto important public officials, thus
brainwashing them! Van Cleef uses the creatures (from Venus) to help the
Venutian come to Earth to take over. Mind you, we never actually get to SEE the
creature on Venus make his way down to Earth....he just gets here. Peter Graves,
in all his stylish, monster fighting-ness, decides to take on the bat creatures
AND the Venutian in hopes of saving Earth. Great, classic, goofyness.
Directed by Edward L. Cahn.
A wonderful piece of 50's B-sci-fi. A monster gets on board an interstellar ship and wreaks havoc with the crew, who undergo the usual batch of cliches getting the monster licked. This film is, essentially, almost the exact basis of the horror film classic, Alien. Great classic stuff.
Directed by Andrew Lane.
An overlooked, but fun and goofy film that tries to emulate the comic hero type films like Raiders of the Lost Ark. Two women hire a bumbling, but, of course, able bodied Jake Speed to help them infiltrate a white slavery ring. The main villian is played (horrifyingly) by John Hurt.
Directed by Joe Alves.
Whereas Jaws 2 was just poor, this film was laughably terrible and bizzare. The dismal succes of Jaws 2 did not teach Universal Pictures anything. Now we have another huge shark eating people, except now its's in 3-D!!!! And not very good 3-D at that. A marine park tries to keep a baby Great White shark in captivity, but it dies. Silly people...the mom comes back for revenge and people get chomped. The people include Dennis Quaid, Louis Gosset Jr., and Lea Thompson. Avoid Jaws 4 (Better referred to as Jaws: The Revenge), which is utterly horrible.
Directed by Richard Patterson.
This video tricked me and some other people who didn't bother to closely examine it, into thinking it was some re-titled release of old adventure/horror serials like The Crimson Ghost. It's not. It's those old serials re-dubbed by the Firesign Theatre and some other celebrity people. It's funny, but the cover should have pointed it out a little better.
Directed by Walter Hill.
Another one of Walter Hill's violent and gritty crime dramas. Mickey Rourke plays a disfigured man who is involved in a jewlery-store robbery scheme. His gang makes him take the fall, and while in prison he gets facial reconstruction. When he gets out, he plans to re-unite with his old gang (who won't recognize him) and get revenge on them. It's pretty good in general, but I would have liked more action.
Directed by Franc Roddam.
Roddam, usually considered an "art-house" filmmaker, directed this very poor flick about a group of climbers who attempt the world-famous K-2 face, but end up getting into all kinds of mishaps. It's not very exciting, and was one of many films at the time to get on the "Arctic adventure" bandwagon.
Directed by Stephen Chiodo.
Although funny in some parts, this low-budget horror/comedy is mostly near-miss. A giant spacecraft shaped liked a circus tent lands in a small, woodland town. The aliens look like freaky clowns, and capture people in cotton candy to use them as food. A few good scenes, but kind of boring.
Directed by Ivan Hall.
This is a pretty funny flick. James Ryan (most memorable to me from his appearance in Mutiny In Space) is a karate master who takes an evil Nazi running a large school/brainwashing camp. Very weird for a martial arts film. This film, and it's sequel Kill and Kill Again bear resemblances to Enter The Dragon.
Directed by Ray Kellogg.
From Ray
Kellogg (director of The Giant Gila Monster) comes another cheeze horror
flick. A group of people stranded on an island while a hurricane goes by,
discover a scientist living on that island. The scientist, who insists he is
doing important research, has unfortunately created a slight, scientific side
effect of some of his work.....giant, killer shrews. The film is unbelievabally
poor quality, and perhaps one of the most laughable of it's age and genre. The
most painful aspect of the film are the "killer shrews" which are obviously dogs
with ragged rugs thrown over them, and goofy rat-tails attatched to the rug.
Also features the typical B-sci-fi genre, expected stuff like: The one brave man
who is the hero, the weak scientist, and the woman who just doesn't know
anything and must be saved by the afforementioned hero.
Directed by Jeffery Obrow.
A young man inherits his mother's house (she was some sort of genetics scientist), has over some friends, then learns that his half-brother is somewhere in the house as a mutated creature, a result of a certain experiment. It's pretty boring and nothing much interesting happens until the second half of the film. It's good for an MST night though.
Directed by Nicholas Ray.
There's a few Hollywood-ized epics about Jesus Christ out there, but this one is my favorite. It's my fave because it's so odd. It has the usual all-star cast, though a virtual unknown (Jeffery Hunter) played Jesus. Orson Welles did the narraration which in turn was written by sci-fi authot Ray Bradbury. It's got some wild scenes, and is probably one of cheeziest Jesus epics of the era. It was a flop and critical bomb.
Directed by Abel Ferarra.
Ferarra makes some weird films. Christopher Walken is a mafia-style gang leader who gets out of jail. David Caruso (and crew) is out to nail him again. There's some visceral action, and lots of violence. It's rather implausible and totally wacky, filled with "gritty" dialog. This is the kind of role Walken always gets teased about for being so good at.
Directed by J. Lee Thompson.
A low budget (for the time and genre) flick attempting to compete with the Indiana Jones style of film. Loosely based on the pulp adventure fiction of H. Rider Haggard, the film follows adventurer Allan Quartermain (Richard Chamberlain) and his companion (played by Sharon Stone) in their search for the mines of legend. It was mostly filmed in Africa and features lots of various baddies (including cannibals), and is great, cheezy fun. It was followed by the sequel (filmed concurrently) Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold.
Directed by Jalil Jackson.
Made on the tails of the giant success of The Terminator, this film was logically disregarded by most as a stupid clone. In actuality, Lady Terminator is a bizzare film that tries to be a Terminator clone, but comes off more like a Hong Kong style horror flick, using mostly Asian style mythos. It's worth a viewing for it's surrealistic manner, and complete abandonment of all filmmaking techniques deemed sane.
Directed by Kevin Connor.
The classic Edgar Rice Burroughs story translated into film. Doug McClure stars as one of a few of survivors of a boat torpedoed by a German U-Boat in WWII. They take control of the German Sub and proceed to travel home, except they wind up at a bizzare island where dinosaurs and caveman still lurk about. Some goofy FX mire an otherwise OK film. Kevin Connor and McClure would later team up for Warlords of Atlantis.
Directed by Michael Rae.
"Billy
was a kid who got pushed around...Then he found the power." Great sci-fi
hilarity, with hilarious effects. A young boy, who is essentially a social
outcast, happens upon an alien ray gun (with powersource). He takes the gun and
goes on a vengeful rampage throughout his California town, during which the
radioactivity from the ray gun mutates him and makes his psyche even worse off.
Eventually the aliens who left the gun on the planet, come to Earth to have a
face off with the kid. Really, really, goofy.
Directed by John Mctiernan.
Action-director god, McTiernan directed this bomb, that bombed probably due to it opening the same weekend as Jurrasic Park. The film tries hard to satire modern action films (including a few funny jokes at Arnold Schwarzenegger's expense), but doesn't go nearly far enough as it should. A young boy find himself sucked inside "movieland" where he meets his favorite action hero "Jack Slade" who, in reality, is played by Arnold. Charles Dance takes the cake as the sinister villain hitman with changing glass eyeballs.
Directed by Michael Shultz.
One of the funkiest, blaxploitation style films to ever emerge since the "hayday" of the genre in the 70's. A young, black, teenager (who happens to be obsessed with karate and Bruce Lee) gets involved with a bizzare, kung-fu packing street gang led by "The Shogun of Harlem." This film is as wonderfully funny as it sounds. However, unlike the black action film of the 70's, this film has more of a modern concious, and keeps things a bit more level-headed. Look for 80's flash-in-the-pan actress, Vanity.
Directed by Nick Castle.
Basically a Tron clone. A kid, whose life is headed nowhere, gets an incredibly high score on a video game ("The Last Starfighter"), and the score summons an intergalacitc recruiter to try and take the kid to a distant planet to help fight an interstellar war. All of the special effects and space sequences were computer graphics, except without the fine honing of something like Tron. The plot is pretty banal and juvenile. High marks go to vetran actor Dan O'Herlihy who, as a lizard-like alien, is almost unrecognizable as his normal self, even in mannerism. Note: The Psychotronic Video Guide incorrectly cites the plot for this film as involving the recruited kid fighting the "evil" lizardman. In actuality, O'Herlihy's character (Grig) is friendly, and the war is against another entity entirely.
Directed by Jon Hess.
A dull, boring, and fun-less attempt at retreading Mad Max territory. A young couple are chased by a vicious gang in an apocalyptic future. Unfortunately, the action scenes are pitiful, the acting is low grade, and the film moves at a snails pace. I had to post this up on the list to warn people....even though it might LOOK like a cool/funny movie, it's not....it's crap.
Directed by Brett Leonard.
Despite some cool effects, this film is pretty much one of the most incomprehensibly muddled and screwed up sci-fi films I can think of off hand. A mentally slow lawnmower (Jeff Fahey) is given a brain boost by a scientist (Pierce "James Bond" Brosnan), by playing some virtual reality games. The film claimed to based on a Stephen King short story. Well, the actual story is SO unrelated to the film that King sued New Line Cinema to have his name taken off....they didn't on the video release so they were fined a hefty sum of cash. Anyhow..once the lawnmower man gets his brain boost, he turns slightly psychotic and kills people with CGI. The "uncut" version features some additional plot elements of Job (the lawnmower man) befriending a monkey who was also part of the VR experiements. This film is cool to watch in some ways, but in others...it's just....dumb.
Directed by Paul Weiland.
This film took a major nosedive in theatres and was a HUGE bomb. Bill Cosby plays a "Bond" style secret agent who's asked to fight a bizzare vegitarian cult trying to hypotize animals to take over the world. Quite frankly, I thought the movie was about the funniest thing I've seen Cosby do in a motion picture. The film is stupid on a base level, but there's alot of good moments, typically the ones that have nothing to do with the central plot.
Directed by Mark Jones.
Warwick Davis is some sort of demon Leprechaun who decides to kill a bunch of people who took his gold. It uses slapstick humor and cheezy horror in such varying degrees, it's a confusing and muddled film. There were continued sequels, all of which seemed to get worse and worse.
Directed by Rod Daniel.
Another unfunny, yawn-fest about an older man switching brains with a younger man. The 80's "switching" craze basically started with 18 Again, and it caught on producing movies like this one and Vice Versa. Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron switch brains, and the usual sophomoric garbage ensues. Woopie. A not-funny-at-all Sean Astin shows up (post-Goonies) to provide comic relief and a few cuss-words to get the "teens" involved. This concept basically goes back to Disney's Freaky Friday where Jodie Foster becomes her mom and vice-versa, that film had it's moments and was made in the proper era. These flicks bombed.
Directed by Richard Martini.
Nancy Allen plays a stockbroker-type character who deals with the Devil (Danitra Vance) in order to gain a successful career as a woman. It doesn't quite work too well, and far too often the film just isn't funny. Danitra Vance was a short-lived SNL cast member.
Directed by Richard Franklin.
Right around the time of the "nice, feel-good" monkey film Project-X was making it's success, this stupid horror film tried to scare the same people who liked nice monkeys with this bizzare horror flick about apes being used for scientific experiements. One of the apes becomes self-aware of his own situation, and decides to terrorize Terance Stamp and Elizabeth Shue, killing stuff along the way.
Directed by Richard Greenberg.
Howie Mandel plays a "monster under the bed", Fred Savage (young) plays a kid who captures him, and is then inducted into the weird society of "monsters who live under beds". The concept, visuals, and effect all show promise, but instead the whole thing decends into a juvenile mixture of poorly crafted toilet humor.
Directed by Mary Ann Fisher.
One of the seemingly endless series of "underwater monster" flicks to come out in the region of 1988-89. This one, is full of cheeze and high camp. An underwater research team (of course) has one of their crew killed off while he's diving by "mysterious forces" (of course) and when they get his body back, his wetsuit is filled with a weird goo (of course). Well, it turns out this goo is actually an underwater alien, just taking shape, and even though it claims (telepathically....of course) to be friendly, the film still tries to go into the horror realm by having a dimly lit, underwater ship explored by idiots who walk into dark closets looking for aliens. It's no wonder Roger Corman has a small cameo role in this one!
Directed by Joel Schumacher.
A vampire film made for 14 year-old girls. Despite the gore and some surprising brutality, this film cannot escape it's "exploitation", kiddie background. However, it is a fun flick....it's just hilariously muddled by the insistance on "boy-toy" cast members like: Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Kiefer Sutherland...the cast reads like the interview list in an issue of "Tiger Beat" or something. Admittedly, Schumacher does a better than avergage job with a script that would have would up as B-grade trash most likely. Anyhow....plot: A family moves to Santa Clara, California only to discover vampires are rampant. There. <g>
Directed by Harry Revier.
This astonishingly bizzare adventure serial is worth looking for in it's video-compiled form. If I recall correctly, an episode or two even made it's way onto MST3K (retitled, though). It involves a heroic character venturing into the deepest, darkest African jungles only to discover that world-threatening storms are being caused by some strange sorcerer (Zolok) whose powers including being able to change people's skin color! Even for the time period, this film is unusually confusing and offensive. Very strange.
Directed by Sam Newfield.
Cesar Romero (best known as "The Joker" on the 60's TV series of Batman) is an Air Force major who leads a group of scientists and explorers into a jungle in the hopes of finding some lost rocket or something. All the characters are HORRIBLE stereotypes (one of which is Hugh Beaumont from "Leave it To Beaver"), and a strong sexist undercurrent is both funny and disturbing. This was shown on MST3K with empahsis on the phrase "Mountain Climbing". Well, the film features an excruciatingly long sequence in which the men climb up a mountain, with little to no events happening. It's hard to imagine filmmakers who thought this scene was good. Eventually, they all encounter stop-motion dinosaurs and other flora and fauna. It's funny, but don't feel guilty about fast forwarding through "Mountain Climbing".
Directed by Harry Hoyt.
The revolutionary and groundbreaking effects film. An adaption of the Arthur Conan Doyle novel, it tells the story of explorers who happen upon a part of Earth ruled by dinosaurs. The effects astounded the public at the time, and influenced numerous special effects creators, including Ray Harryhausen. Presumably, the Jurassic Park sequel Lost World was intended as a titular reference. The film was later remade by, who else, Irwin Allen who used costumed lizards instead of stop-motion. I've been told this film bears the distinction of being the first ever motion picture shown on a passenger airline flight. Interesting.
Directed by Paul Bartel.
Starring Tab Hunter and Divine, this film is very often mistaken for a John Waters production. In fact, it's a film desperately trying to be like a John Waters film. It's not that bad, but it's not that good either, and lacks the energy of a Waters production. It's a parody Western, by the way.
Directed by Bert I. Gordon.
This time, the notorious B.I.G. takes on a "swords and sorcery" style film, with very laughable results. Essentially, a young knight wannabe, uses magical gifts in order to help save a princess from a wicked sorcerer....you know, the usual. The wicked sorcerer is played by none other than Basil Rathbone. Lots of colorful weirdness, and "badness" makes this fantasy stinker, a fun and mindless voyage.
Directed by Roland Emmerech.
Before any kind of success (and long before Stargate, ID4, and Godzilla), Roland Emmerech worked on this confusing, hazily written supernatural thriller directed towards kids. A youngster becomes obsessed with some sort of haunted ventriloquists doll and yearns to contact his dead father using a toy phone. It's disturbing, poorly written, and doesn't really seem to have a goal. Very odd.
Directed by Susan Seidelman.
There was something about the mid-80's a movies about creating people and weird sciences. John Malkovich is a scientist who creates a super-life-like android that looks like him (called Ulysses). Ann Magnuson is a public relations agent who tries to turn Ulysses into a sell-able product, but winds up falling in love with the android. One of those cheezy "feel good" comedies with a sci-fi aspect.
Directed by Tobe Hooper.
The once great Hooper seems to have lost almost all respectability in his work since the mid-80's. Robert "Freddy Kruger" Englund is featured in this senseless, dismal adaption of a short story originally by Stephen King. The original story (about a haunted, industrial steam-press for laundry that kills people) was really supposed to be humorous and slightly satirical in that cunning King style. Unfortunately, the movie lacks that important humor and turns the "haunted laundry machine" concept into something taken a step too far. It's pretty depressing to see Hooper doing this stuff.
Directed by Michael Gottlieb.
Looking back, it's hard to believe a studio gave this film a greenlight. Andrew McCarthy singlehandedly revives the ailing career of a large department store by creating "amazing" window displays with the help of a mannequin that comes to life (Kim Cattrall) because she's posessed with an Egyptian princess. Meshach Taylor (before heading to TV's "Designing Women") plays an offensively bad "gay" interior decorator, and James Spader gives a wonderful (but totally wasted) performance as a snide, geeky department store manager at a rival store. The band "Starship" (composed of the tatters of Jefferson Airplane) provided the hit theme song, thus destroying anything even remotely likable about Grace Slick. A sequel followed and bombed horribly.
Directed by Hal Warren.
Before this became infamous after being shown on "Mystery Science Theatre 3000", I had the honor of seeing it on some late night, movie channel as an excuse for showing a horror film. In a film that defies all known sensabilities and goes into a realm beyond badfilm, we find a vacationing family encounter a strange abode occupied by "Torgo", a henchmen for the evil demon himself....Manos! Directed with a sense of music/lighting/acting/pacing/editing/whathaveyou that seems to have come from a dimension far from this one. So massively goofy and poorly made, it becomes a surreal experience that will make you scream with laughter, or scream from pain. A must-see if you can catch someone's taped MST 3000 copy of it....someday it might come out on video as part of the MST 3000 VHS series, currently in limbo due the companies that own crap films like Manos actually trying to buy back their copyrights to make money off them. Of note: the "father" figure guy in the film is the director himself, Hal P. Warren....a former fertilizer salesman..no joke.
Directed by John Lafia.
For some bizzare reason, Lance Henriksen creates a weird half-robot/half-dog thing that goes crazy and menaces Ally Sheedy, who is an animal rights activist. It makes little sense, it's pretty violent, and doesn't have a point, really.
Directed by Robert J. Roth.
Some brilliant corporate stooges decided to take the influential and bizzare sci-fi classic The Man Who Fell To Earth (which starred David Bowie), and tried to turn it into a TV series with this pilot. Lewis Smith takes over Bowie's role as the alien (badly), and he falls in love with Beverly D'Angelo. Huh? It has little to do with the film, and was alot like the TV version of John Carpenter's Starman...there wasn't any point. Few people remember it, though, and finding the video of it is VERY hard.
Directed by Otto Preminger.
I noticed this film was convieniently omitted from Frank Sinatra's "film tribute" at the 1999 Oscars. Frank Sinatra plays a heroin addict who lives his life in a seedy, grimy way, surrounded by prostitutes, drug dealers, and all sorts of baddies. It's wonderfully weird and brutal, not to mention laughable simply for starring Frank Sinatra as a junkie. This was one of the first films to be rejected for MPAA approval coming from a major studio (United Artists).
Directed by Dwight H. Little.
More Steven Seagal goodness. Segal is pursued by Jamaican drug dealers for reasons I can't remember. Seagal kills alot of people and breaks alot of bones.
Directed by Gary Goddard.
This film is the shit.... Dolph Lundgren is cartoon star "He-Man", Frank Langella is "Skeletor" and the "scary-eyed" Meg Foster is "Evil Lyn". If you grew up in the 80's, you knew these characters....you loved these characters.....but.....you hated this film. It took a well loved cartoon/action figure character and smashed him into miserable pieces. Oh....the pain! A must see for those "let's rent a movie and trash it!" nights....
Directed by Larry Brand.
Roger Corman backed this TERRIBLE attempt at filming the classic Edgar Allan Poe story which is little more than a softcore porn movie. Patrick Macnee (??) shows up as "Red Death", and the whole thing is boring as hell. Read the story instead (or watch the Vincent Price version).
Directed by Hal Needham.
Really goofy, but high budget spectacle about a super-team of international crime fighters. Features Persis Khambatta and Barry Bostwick (post-Rocky Horror). Oh and Henry Silva is a villain (big surprise). Check it out...it's pretty wild.
Directed by Charles Band.
In what seems to be a direct continuation from his work on the infamous badfilm, "The Dungeonmaster", Charles Band recycles most of the cast and crew from that film to craft this sci-fi trash flick. In a futuristic world, where mining for mysterious ores are what keep people happy, the evil Jared-Syn and his band of religious fanatics and cohorts (including a really messed-up guy who squirts deadly acid from his mechanical arm!) start harassing the miners and taking over territory for themselves. Lots of goofy effects and costumes contribute to this films wonderful atmosphere of classic B sci-fi, and on top of all this, it's filmed in 3-D! Look for Richard Moll as leader of the Cyclops people. Unbelievably stupid ending sequence is worth renting the film alone.
Directed by Michael Anderson.
Cheryl Ladd and Kris Kristofferson star in this good-concept/lousy-execution sci-fi film. Ladd is from the future where the environment stinks and people use a strange time-gate to go back in time and rescue people from planes that are doomed to crash, before they crash. Kristofferson is an Airline Disaster investigator who happens upon some futuristic equipment while looking into a crash. Ladd has to go back in time to stop him from finding the device, but all kinds of time paradoxes result in a terribly confusing and badly botched plot. Comedian and former "Kid in the Hall" Scott Thompson has a painfully short, one-line role. For those of you who were/are "Kids in the Hall" fans, you might recall one of Thompson's "Buddy Cole" monologues about a bad Canadian sci-fi film he's starring in that "won't make a dime". Well...that wasn't JUST a monologue...THIS is it....
Directed by Joseph Zito.
The first "official" Rambo clone. Chuck Norris goes into Vietnam to save MIA Vets from a sinister general, and blows lots of things up.
Directed by Lance Hool.
This "prequel" to the original has Chuck Norris escaping from a POW camp in Vietnam (rather than breaking-in, like the first film). It's much better and alot more fun than the first film. Soon Teck-Oh is oddly cast as an evil Vietnamese Colonel, which is odd since he had just come off TV's "M*A*S*H" where he played the pacifist Korean, seeking do dodge the war.
Directed by Primo Zeglo.
A rather strange Italian sci-fi flick with some genuinely funny stuff. It's a little confusing but it involves a group of space women visting Earth on a special mission involving a scientist from the Moon. Anyhow, the plot isn't really that important....the film is goofy in the typical 60's sci-fi way. Recently re-released in slightly better quality.
Directed by Andrew McLaglen.
Infamous on MST3K as the episode where Joel left, is this typical, poor, 70's cop action film. However, it's very light on the action and heavy on portraying a rather disgusting man...Joe Don Baker's beer-drinking, hazy interpretation of a cop named Mitchell. Linda Evans plays a hooker. Fun! Surprisingly, this film is getting hard to come by....the MST video version is your best bet, and the MST crew make it more laughable than it is by itself.