512 - Mitchell

HOST SEGMENTS:

"ACTION JACKSON is our name." - "Action Jackson" was a 1988 movie starring Carl Weathers, Craig T. Nelson, and Prince's old girlfriend Vanity.

"BONANZA: It's all right if I pick a little fight, Bonanza!" - A very popular series (1959-73), second only to "Gunsmoke" in terms of long-lived Western shows. Starred Lorne Greene as Ben Cartwright, with Pernell Roberts, Dan Blocker and Michael Landon as his sons. These are the real lyrics, which were not heard on the show but which we know we've heard somewhere; we just can't remember where.

"Elegant, painful, and leaves nothing behind but the great smell of BRUT." - Brut has been a popular men's fragrance since 1964. The Brut website (of course they have a website) says, "Brut is a name that brings to mind the fresh scent of ferns and subtle, woody fragrances." We are not ones to argue.

"Sorry folks, I CAN'T COME BACK, I don't know how it works." - The Wizard says this (or something very much like it) in "The Wizard of Oz" (1939) as his hot-air balloon slowly floats away without Dorothy.

"DAKTARI stool." - "Daktari" (1966-69) was a show about veterinarians and conservationists in Africa. Featured lots of cool animals, including Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion and Judy the Chimp.

The DESIDERATA - Inspirational essay written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann. (To refresh your memory, it's the thing that starts, "Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.") Some reference books claim that it was "found" at Old St. Paul's Church in Baltimore and is as old as 1692, but Ehrmann actually wrote it himself and copyrighted it in 1927. Read the whole thing. "Desiderata" was parodied quite nicely as "Deteriorata" on National Lampoon's 1972 album "Radio Dinner"; also on the "Greatest Hits of the National Lampoon" album.

DEUS EX MACHINA - It's New Latin for "a god from a machine." It was a dramatic technique used by the ancient Greeks, wherein one of the gods would descend upon the stage, Superman-like, and help fix things at the last moment. The actors playing the gods were lowered onto the scene via a crane (or "machine"). Now, the term is used to describe a person or thing that suddenly appears and fixes an unfixable situation. Usually looked down upon as a plot contrivance, something the writer came up with as an easy way of getting himself out of the corner he painted himself into. By calling the Satellite of Love's instruction manual the "Deus ex Machina," the MST writers are acknowledging that the whole escape pod thing is absurd and convenient, for surely if Joel had been on the ship as long as he was, he would have found the thing by now. The writers simply needed an easy way of getting him off the ship, and they knew they were taking the easy way out. That's why it's funny, after all -- it's like they're saying, "Hey, we're just going to come up with some lame excuse and leave it at that," and they're not ashamed to admit it!

HAMDINGERS - The following was taken from a correspondent's homepage--she goes by the name "hamdingr"--"The original meaning was, I believe, an hors d'eouvre that involved rolled-up ham, cottage cheese, seasonings, and (I think) a bit of spam. Eeeeeewww."  

"HARDCASTLE AND McCORMICK - Ride! Riding like a demon that drives your dream!" - 1983-86 ABC series about a retired judge (Brian Keith, as Harcastle) and a released convict (Daniel Hugh-Kelly, as McCormick) who band together to solve crimes. We have to assume that these are, in fact, the correct lyrics to the theme song.

MONTICELLO - Home of Thomas Jefferson (third U.S. president, 1801-09); it's on the back of the nickel. Located in Virginia, about two miles southeast of Charlottesville and about 125 miles from Washington, D.C. Jefferson really loved the place and hoped to die there (which he did). Check out all kinds of neat stuff about the huge mansion.

"MILAVETZ AND ASSOCIATES are calling." - Non-sequitur reference, as are most of the lines used in this particular moment of the show. Milavetz and Associates are a law firm in the Minneapolis area. Our correspondent from that region tells us they're famous -- at least to her -- for having daytime TV commercials emphasizing how much they care about their clients.

"The SEVEN FACES OF DR. LAO." - 1964 Tony Randall film, in which Randall plays six roles. Deals with a Western town visited by a traveling circus, which performs odd little parables. William Tuttle, who did most of the monster make-up for "The Twilight Zone" (1959-64), won an Oscar for his make-up work in this film. Joel pronounces "Lao" as "Loo," but Kevin Murphy points out in the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide that it should be "Low."

The UPANISHADS - The Upanishads are a collection of sacred texts in the Hindu religion. This website will tell you more about them than you can imagine.

"Let's just hope he landed on YAHOO SERIOUS." - Australian annoyance with huge hair, real name Greg Pead. Most famous for 1988 film "Young Einstein," which he wrote, directed, produced, and starred in. Same with "Reckless Kelly" (1993).

"It's got a great article on Fuzzy ZELLER." - Professional golfer, most famous recently for his unfortunate comments on Tiger Woods, having to do with fried chicken and collard greens. Note the irony in Joel's comment, "What a great guy," since Zeller is not too highly regarded of late, because of the Tiger Woods thing.

MOVIE SEGMENTS:

"Meanwhile, on an 'ADAM-12' episode not far away." - Cop show (1968 75) co-created by Jack Webb, formerly of another cop show -- "Dragnet." "Adam-12" stressed authenticity, and the main characters usually responded to several different calls over the course of each episode. "Adam-12" was the patrol car's identification number.

"He's no Claude AKINS, but what a butt." - Claude Akins appeared in "Master Ninja I" (MST #322) and for some reason Joel and the 'Bots make a lot of jokes about his butt in that episode. He made his TV debut in a 1955 episode of "Superman," then went on to do some films, particularly quite a few TV movies, and starred in the famous "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" episode of "The Twilight Zone." (It's the one where the neighborhood works itself into a frenzy and kill each other because they think aliens are coming.) Starred as a trucker in "Movin' On" (1974-76); played the title character in "The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo" (1979-81), which was a spinoff of "B.J. and the Bear" (1979-81), which Akins had also briefly appeared on.

"ANDY CAPP? Flo's really gonna be mad, I'm drunk again." - A comic strip from England, where alcoholism and loveless marriages are apparently a bit funnier than they are here. Andy Capp is a worthless husband who drinks, cheats on his wife Flo, and is usually unemployed. Flo does all the work, both in and out of the house. Occasionally funny, but so bitter and hateful underneath the surface, it's hard to enjoy it. Reg Smythe draws it. The character here looks like Andy Capp, and the "Flo's really gonna be mad" is representative of a typical Andy Capp situation.

"Oh, look, an APPLEBEE'S." - Chain of medium-priced restaurants. There are over 800 Applebee's Neighborhood Grill & Bar restaurants all over the country. Many of them are filled with local memorabilia, to give it that "neighborhood" kind of quality. Feel free to find out everything you ever wanted to know about Applebee's.

Hoyt AXTON - Country & western singer. Wrote "Joy to the World" (commonly known as "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog"), as sung by Three Dog Night. Also sang the theme song on "Flo" (1980-81), which starred Polly Holliday. Axton and Holliday both later appeared in ³Gremlins² (1984), with Axton as the inventor dad who brought home Gizmo (yeah, Joel, I said "Gizmo," not "Gizmonic," so don¹t sue me), and Holliday as the evil old Mrs. Deagle. Axton also appeared on at least one episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" (1978-86) as Maggie Drummond's ex-husband, father of little Sam, who of course was brought into the show solely because Arnold was no longer cute. Remember that? Oh, the days

Joe Don BAKER - Well, MSTies, it seems the rest of the world doesn't find Joe Don Baker as loathesome as we do. Born in 1936 in Groesbeck (not Gross Back), Texas, our hero has been everywhere lately. He appeared in "Mars Attacks!" (1996), "Congo" (1995), "Goldeneye" (1995), and the original "Fletch" (1985), and will appear this Christmas in "Tomorrow Never Dies," a James Bond film. He had his own crime drama (referred to in this episode), "Eischied," from September 1979 to January 1980; it was destroyed by "Dallas" in the ratings, and probably wasn¹t very good anyway And, as appalling as it is, he subbed for the ailing Carroll O'Connor for a few months in "In the Heat of the Night" (1988-94). Mr. Don Baker first came to prominence in "Walking Tall" (1973), in which he played the bat-wielding real-life Tennessee sheriff Buford Pusser. (Leonard Maltin describes Joe as giving a "muscular performance," whatever that means.) Rumor has it Joe Don Baker was furious over the treatment he received in this episode of MST.

"I just felt the BALLOON BREAK." - Refers to the practice among drug smugglers of swallowing a balloon filled with cocaine so that police cannot find it on them. Unfortunately for the smugglers, the digestive fluids in the stomach occasionally eat through the balloon, causing all sorts of problems as the cocaine comes spilling out and into their bloodstream.

Martin BALSAM - Actually a pretty good actor, Martin Balsam (1919-96) appeared in 104 movies, including "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (1961) and both "Cape Fear" films (1962, 1991). (This makes the "Counselor!" reference a little deeper, even though he was not in the "Cape Fear" situation referred to.) In fact, all three stars of the first "Cape Fear" -- Balsam, Gregory Peck, Robert Mitchum -- have little cameos in the re-make. Also, Joe Don Baker -- "Mitchell" his own self -- appears in the 1991 "Cape Fear." So it's a pretty darn small world, if you ask us. Balsam was also Archie's business partner from 1979-81 on "Archie Bunker's Place" (1979-83), and the producers of "The Odd Couple" (1970-75) had wanted Art Carney and Balsam as the leads (anyone's guess who they wanted for which part). Won a Tony for his performance in "You Know I Can't Hear You When the Water's Running," a 1967 Broadway play that we've never heard of. Died of a heart attack while in Rome, Italy.

"This looks positively BAYWATCHian" - "Baywatch" is the most popular television show in the world. In syndication since 1991 (following a 1989 90 run on NBC), the show was regularly seen by nearly a billion people worldwide in 1994; the ratings have dropped slightly since then, but it is still astoundingly popular, although we don't know a single person who watches it. Must be the foreigners making it so popular. The premise is as follows: L.A. beach lifeguards do stuff. Mostly, it's an excuse to show well shaped young men and women, as well as David Hasselhoff, in bathing suits. The cast has changed several times since the beginning, but Hasselhoff is still there, suckin' in his gut.

"Orson BEAN, he's a cop!" - Born "Dallas Burrows," Orson Bean began as a stand-up comedian in New York, and eventually was nominated for a Tony for his work in "Subways are for Sleeping." Has appeared as a guest on "The Tonight Show" over 200 times, and used to guest-host for Jack Paar now and then -- including in 1961, when Barbra Streisand made her network television debut. Has a recurring role on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" (1993-present) as storekeeper Loren Bray. Has appeared in numerous films, including "Innerspace" (1987), "Forty Deuce" (1982), and "Anatomy of a Murder" (1959). Also has appeared on many TV shows, particularly in the old drama "playhouse" shows of the '50s, and as a panelist on game shows.

"At BENEFICIAL" - From an old TV ad for Beneficial insurance. It originally went, "At Beneficial (toot-toot) you're good for more," with the "toot-toot" being provided by a car horn.

"A hot-rod BEN-HUR." - Classic 1959 film starring Charlton Heston, deals with ancient Jews and Romans and the conflicts between them. The reference here is to the famous 15-minute chariot race sequence, in which a stuntman was killed (really) and in which the chariots keep trying to run each other off the course.

"Looks like a guy from a Dave BERG cartoon." - Dave Berg began drawing for MAD Magazine not long after it began in 1952. He initially did all kinds of illustrating for the magazine; however in the early '60s he began doing "The Lighter Side of...". Soon, that was all he was doing, and the five-page collection of comic strip-esque, sitcom-like cartoons became one of the magazine's most popular features, leading to several paperback books for Dave Berg. In 1996, the feature was scaled back to four pages, but it retained its same basic format, and the characters (most of which are non recurring) still look about the same. The man here, for all the world, looks EXACTLY like a typical man in a Dave Berg cartoon.

"BOATNIKS 2, the final conflict" - "Boatniks" was a 1970 Disney film about jewel theft, and boats were involved somehow. "The Final Conflict" was the name of the third "Omen" movie (1981); the two were linked here just for fun, of course.

"BOCCA, Bocca, who's got the Bocca?" - Children's game, "Button, button, who's got the button?"

"BOOZE is good food." - Campbell's Soup has the slogan "Soup is good food," and this is evidently a reference to that. Note, however, references to "the Booze Council" in 415 - The Beatniks, among other places.

"It's almost time for BOZO." - "Bozo the Clown" began on TV in 1956 and has been running ever since. It's not a national show, really; the character's creator, Larry Harmon, came up with the idea of licensing the character to local stations, who would provide their own Bozos to appear in their own shows for that station. Willard Scott, fat weatherman on the "Today" show, was a Bozo for a Washington, D.C., station for a while. Even today, the waiting list for tickets to WGN-Chicago's local Bozo show is five years long.

"There went BRONSON." - Refers to the 1969-70 TV series "Then Came Bronson," about a guy named Bronson (played by Michael Parks) who rode around the country on a motorcycle. Note the motorcycle in "Mitchell" when this comment is made.

"How about some B.T.O.?" - Stands for Bachman-Turner Overdrive, a Canadian rock group that had some hits in the '70s. They were originally called Brave Belt, and began when Randy Bachman, who had just left The Guess Who, played a jam session with his old pal Chad Allen in 1970. By the end of the year, they had formed a group, with Randy's brother Robbie playing drums. In 1971, Fred Turner joined up. The group Brave Belt released two albums that year. Chad Allen was kicked out because his songwriting and singing styles did not fit with the desire to be "heavier." Chad was released with a third Bachman brother, Tim. They became Bachman-Turner Overdrive in 1973, and officially BTO in 1978. Some of their songs include "Rock and Roll Band" (1971, as Brave Belt), "Takin' Care of Business" (1974), "Quick Change Artist" (1975), and "Jamaica" (1979).

"He looks like the wrathful BUDDHA." - Buddha, who lived several centuries before Christ, was of course the founder of Buddhism. He was an Indian prince, named Gautama Siddhartha, before leaving his life of luxury and eventually coming upon the principles of Buddhism. The "wrathful Buddha" thing escapes us, for the time being.

"Oh, how I long for 'The BURNING BED' right now." - Farrah Fawcett was nominated for an Emmy for her performance as a battered wife in this 1984 TV movie, one of the highest-rated of all time. In it, she sets her ex husband's bed on fire while he's in it as a means of indicating that she's tired of all the beatings and stuff. Did we mention that he was in the bed when she set fire to it?!

"They've got Dick BUTKUS on 'em." - Dick Butkus was elected to the NFL Hall of Fame in 1979, and played defense for the Chicago Bears. He has his own website -- and you can also email him! He is currently a radio and TV announcer for the NFL. This particular joke refers to "collector's cups" that are often available from fast food restaurants and convenience stores, featuring various celebrities, movie characters, and athletes.

"Where's Ruth BUZZI?" - Refers to 1968-73 TV show "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In," which featured several recurring skit formats. One involved Ruth Buzz (who formerly had appeared on "Days of Our Lives" and "That Girl") as a homely woman sitting on a park bench. Arte Johnson, as an old man, would sidle up to her and say something dirty, to which she would respond by beating him with her umbrella.

"Hello, this is CARLTON your doorman." - Character played by Lorenzo Music (also the voice of Garfield on all the Garfield animated specials and series) on Valerie Harper's "Rhoda" (1974-78). Music has made a career out of being heard but not seen, both as the phantom-like Carlton and as Garfield, as well as the voice-over for many commercials. In the mid-'70s, at the height of "Rhoda's" popularity, Music recorded a novelty song called "Carlton Your Doorman."

"She's got a David CASSIDY haircut." - David Cassidy was a teen heartthrob in the early '70s, thanks to his role as Keith Partridge on "The Partridge Family" (1970-74). Stepson of Shirley Jones, his TV mom, he helped sell millions of Partridge Family records, even though only he and Jones actually sang on them; the other voices came from studio musicians. In 1978, a crime show called "David Cassidy -- Man Undercover" appeared, starring Cassidy as a cop. It lasted about two months.

"'CATALINA CAPER'! Not again!" - This 1967 movie was MST #204, and it really was awful. Originally titled "Never Steal Anything Wet."

"CHANCES ARE." - See Johnny MATHIS.

"Where's your CHEECH AND CHONG album?" - Cheech and Chong were a comedy duo of the '70s, doing mostly drug-related humor in an era when that sort of thing was still funny. Real names: Richard "Cheech" Marin and Tommy Chong. They had a serious of comedy albums, ending with "Get out of My Room" (1985), which featured the hit single "Born in East L.A." They broke up after that; Cheech can currently be seen in CBS's "Nash Bridges" with Don Johnson; Chong recently appeared as a vampire hunter in a "Sliders" episode. They also did four movies together, in 1978, 1980, 1981, and 1984, and the drug humor was generally the main focus there, too.

"Middle-aged CHUCKY." - Chucky is the malevolent doll in the "Child's Play" movies (1988, 1990, 1991). He comes to life and kills people, natch, and does look a bit like Joe Don Baker.

"A CLOISTERED LIFE is not for me." - The closest we can find is a quote from L. Ron Hubbard, author of "Dianetics" and founder of the Scientologists: "I have lived no cloistered life and hold in contempt the wise man who has not lived and the scholar who will not share."

"We've got to CLOSE THE BEACHES." - From "Jaws" (1975), one of the best horror/suspense movies ever. Roy Scheider is the local cop in a little New England beach town, and he's convinced there's a big ol' shark eating people, which of course there is. His battlecry: "We've got to close the beaches!" They finally do, the shark is killed, and three stupid sequels come along.

"They're on a COLLISION COURSE TO WACKINESS." -

"Put 'em on your feet, give your dogs a treat, what a COMFORTABLE SHOE." - Refers to Hush Puppies, a popular brand of casual footwear for about 40 years. Jim Muir, one of the early salesmen for the shoe company, created the name "Hush Puppies" while visiting a friend in Tennessee. The friend's dogs began to whine, so he tossed them some hush puppies -- Southern dish of fried cornmeal balls. Since feet were often called "dogs" in those days, and aching feet were "barking dogs," and since hush puppies had made the real dogs stop barking, Jim Muir decided to call the new shoe Hush Puppies. Isn't that fascinating?

"He's talking to COMMISSIONER GORDON." - Character played by Neil Hamilton in the popular, campy "Batman" TV series (1966-68). He had a direct line to Batman's Batphone, which was pretty much just a red phone at Batman's house.

"A picture of Mo CONNOLLY." - Refers to Maureen "Little Mo" Connolly, a champion tennis player. Born in 1934, the San Diego native had won the U.S. women's singles championship three times by the time she was 19. She won the Grand Slam (U.S., British, Australian and French titles) in 1953, the first woman player to win them all in the same year; only four other players have won a singles Grand Slam. At the peak of her success, she had an accident while horseback riding that ended her career at age 20. Died of cancer in 1969. Sorry to bum you out.

"He sounds and smells like William CONRAD." - Most recently known as that fat man in "Jake and the Fatman" (1987-92) a crime drama on CBS. He was previously the title character and only star of "Cannon" (1971-76), and had narrated "Rocky and His Friends," "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century," and "The Fugitive" TV shows. Conrad's first dramatic TV appearance was in 1958, on an episode of "Bat Masterson" (1958-62).

"The inspiration for 'COP AND A HALF'." - A not-very-good 1993 movie starring Burt Reynolds (so perhaps the "not-very-good" part is redundant) as a cop who gets a young black kid as his new partner, to help him bust a drug ring. Henry Winkler -- TV's "The Fonz" -- directed.

"Mitchell's on a CORNER." -

"COUNSELOR!" -From "Cape Fear" (1991), starring Robert De Niro as a recently released bad guy who stalks his old attorney, played by Nick Nolte. De Niro says this line when Nolte is hiding from him, and he knows it. Ooh, it's real creepy. May have been used in the 1962 film of the same name; we haven't seen it, so we don't know.

"Tonight on CROSSFIRE." - "Crossfire" is a currently events debate series on CNN, running since 1982. Pat Buchanan, John Sununu, and Michael Kinsley have all been regulars.

"Either those CURTAINS go or I do." - Flamboyantly gay author/playwright/poet Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), while on his deathbed, allegedly said, "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do," and then rolled over and died. Wilde was Irish, but spent most of his life in England. He served two years in prison for homosexual activity.

CUTTING CREW - British pop band from the '80s. Biggest hit was "(I Just) Died in Your Arms (1986), which is featured on every '80s compilation album ever sold on TV for $19.95.

"Oh, this must be DATELINE NBC." - "Dateline NBC" began in 1992 and was NBC's first newsmagazine show to last more than a season. The reference here is to the show's most infamous incident: In November 1992, the show did a segment on how certain GM pickup trucks' fuel tanks would explode when involved in accidents. In order to get this sort of explosion on camera, they staged a collision -- which is fine, except that, to ensure the gas tank would actually explode, they detonated explosive charges underneath the truck. GM figured out what they had done and protested, and the show eventually apologized.

"Was Merlin ever in the DAVE CLARK FIVE?" - British group from 1961-70 featuring Dave Clark, Lenny Davidson, Rick Huxley, Denis Payton, and Mike Smith (the lead singer). Merlin Olsen was not one of them, but the suit and cap he's wearing here are reminiscent of those worn by the group.

"DEAD CALM." - 1989 film starring Sam Neill ("Jurassic Park") and Nicole Kidman ("Far and Away") as a couple out on their yacht who pick up a psycho guy, who proceeds to terrorize them.

Bo DEREK - Real name: Mary Cathleen Collins. She's married to John Derek and has acted in such movies as "Orca" (1977, her film debut), "Ten" (1979), and "Tommy Boy" (1995).

John DEREK - Was an actor in the '40s, '50s, and '60s; has mostly done directing since then. Real name is Derek Harris. He was born in 1926, making him quite a bit older than Bo Derek, his wife, who was born in 1956. He has been married to Ursula Andress, Linda Evans, and Bo Derek, though not all at the same time.

DEVO - One of the original "new wave" pop bands, best known for their 1980 hit "Whip It." "Weird Al" Yankovic's song "Dare to be Stupid" was a parody of the Devo style of music, though not of a specific song.

"My DINNER WITH MITCHELL." - Parody of 1981 film title, "My Dinner with Andre," in which Andrew Gregory (a theater director) and Wallace Shawn (a playwright/actor) have dinner and talk. That's it. That's the whole movie. Not kidding.

The secretary will give you their names and addresses - "And DISAVOW ANY KNOWLEDGE of their actions." - From the popular "Mission: Impossible" TV show (1966-73). The leader of the Impossible Missions Force would receive his instructions via self-destructing tape recorder, and those instructions always included the admonition that if any IMF member were caught while performing his duties, "the secretary will disavow any knowledge of their actions." The voice on the tapes was supplied by Bob Johnson.

"DOCTOR DETROIT, with songs by Devo, Cutting Crew and Haircut 100." - "Doctor Detroit" (1983) starred Dan Aykroyd and Donna Dixon, whom he would later marry. Had to do with a Chicago college professor and a bunch of prostitutes. Cutting Crew didn't release their album until 1986, so they could not have been on the actual "Doctor Detroit" soundtrack; the other two bands may have been. See also DEVO; CUTTING CREW; HAIRCUT 100

"DON'T BE DISCOURAGED, the man don't..." - From the theme song to "Chico and the Man" (1974-78), which starred Freedie Prinze (until his suicide in 1977) and Jack Albertson. Unsure what the connection is here.

"DO YOU KNOW who did it, have you figured it out yet?" - From the "Ellery Queen" TV show, which has had five different incarnations, and six lead actors. (1950-51, 51-52, 54, 58-59, 75-76). Each episode of the detective show would end with Ellery Queen addressing the TV audience and asking some variation of this question. Probably the quiet shot of the house here reminded the writers of the pause "Ellery Queen" would take before quizzing the audience.

"This makes 'DRIVING MISS DAISY' look like 'Bullitt'." - "Driving Miss Daisy" (1989) is about an old Southern woman (Jessica Tandy) who hires a black fellow (Morgan Freeman) as her chauffeur. Of course he drives fairly slowly, since she's so old and Southern. "Bullitt" (1968) stars Steve McQueen as a police detective, and the movie has a classic, action-packed car chase scene through the streets of San Francisco.

"Come on, Mr. Two-Years-from-EISCHIED." - See Joe Don BAKER. "Mitchell" actually came out four years before "Eischied" began.

"EISCHIED" - See Joe Don BAKER.

"EEGAH. Watch out for snakes." - From MST #506. The movie is "Eegah!", a 1963 film directed by Arch Hall, Sr. (though he used the name Nicholas Merriwether in the credits). The house here looks like the suburban home in "Eegah!" The line "watch out for snakes" comes as three characters are walking into a field, looking for a caveman one of them saw. From out of nowhere, someone says, "Watch out for snakes." No indication is given which character is supposed to have said it; it is obvious that it was actually none of the three, but was dubbed in later, and very poorly.

"They arrest Harlan ELLISON." - Science-fiction author, best known for writing the Star Trek episode "City On The Edge Of Forever," and the short story "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream." Has also been known to sell Geo automobiles on TV. Joel's reply of "Good!" in response to the "news" that he's been arrested probably refers to the fact that Ellison can be a bit of a jerk. He is sometimes rude to anyone who doesn't completely agree with him, and we're told that he was quoted in "Starlog" magazine as saying "If you call me a science-fiction writer in this article, I'll rip your throat out." We're calling him a science-fiction writer right now, so come on, Harley, whatcha gonna do, eh tough guy? You're not so tough when we're all anonymous and hidden behind the Internet, are you, hero?

"Joe Don Baker would be perfect for 'ELVIS: THE DYING DAYS." - Elvis Presley, rock 'n' roll star extraordinaire, was quite large and slovenly by the time he died in 1977.

Linda EVANS - Born in 1942, Linda Evans (real name: Linda Evanstad) is best known for her role as Krystle on "Dynasty" (1981-89). Also appeared on "The Big Valley" (1965-69), and a few movies here and there, including, of course, the wonderful "Mitchell" (which Leonard Maltin says has "slick handling of typical action fodder"). Was married to John Derek until 1977 -- note the reference in this episode to her relationship with him -- and is currently married to New Age musician Yanni.

"Hey it's one of the kids from 'FAME'." - "Fame" began as a 1980 film about kids at the New York High School of Performing Arts, a school for aspiring actors, musicians, dancers, etc. It was an NBC series from 1982 83, then a first-run syndication series from 1983-87. At least a dozen or so performers came and went on the show, making it hard to tell who was who (hence the lines, "Which one?" "Any of them."). Janet Jackson was a regular for a while; Madonna auditioned for the show but didn't make it.

"I dreamed I was FATHER MURPHY." - See Merlin OLSEN.

"Every FEDERAL LAW VIOLATION!" - Said in an emphatic way like this, it's a reference to a running gag between Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon while they ran the "Tonight Show." Johnny would have a list of some kind -- common phobias, little-known facts, etc. -- and would read a few. The comedy piece would then be based on OTHER phobias, or OTHER little-known facts, made up by the writers, of course. By means of setting up the comedy, after Johnny read the true things, Ed would say something to the effect of, "That seems like a pretty complete list. I'll bet that every phobia you could imagine is listed there. I'm sure that EVERY PHOBIA IN THE WORLD is right there on that piece of paper!" And Johnny would say, "Not so, martini-breath," or whatever, and then present the "other" items.

Uncle FESTER - Bald-headed creepy character on "The Addams Family." Played by Jackie Coogan in the TV show (1964-66); Christopher Lloyd in the movies (1991 and 1993).

"It's FISH!" - Character played by Abe Vigoda from 1975-77 on "Barney Miller" (1975-82). His first name was Phil. Fish got his own spinoff, in which he ran a home for juvenile delinquents, from 1977-78.

"Do you know Roman GABRIEL?" - Roman Gabriel was a professional football player for 16 years, all with the Los Angeles Rams and the Philadelphia Eagles, and he was one of the game's first tall quarterbacks. He was the Rams' MVP three times, NFL MVP once, and All-Pro four times. He retired in 1977 and thereafter did sports commentating, as well as owning two minor league baseball teams. He also acted in one movie, "The Undefeated" (1969), which also featured John Wayne, Rock Hudson, and Merlin Olsen! Find out many things about Roman Gabriel.

"Daryl GATES on his day off." - Former Los Angeles police chief, during the time of the Rodney King beating and Heidi Fleiss trial. The reference here is to his connection with the Rodney King thing, where he was not quite as upset that the beating had taken place as perhaps he should have been.

Who've we got on our side? "GHOSTBUSTERS." - From the 1984 hit film starring Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd. The #1 hit song from the movie, by Ray Parker, Jr., featured the refrain, "Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!" There was a time in our lives when a person could not say, "Who are you going to call?" without someone else saying, "Ghostbusters." (This is similar to the time in the late '80s when a person couldn't say, "Don't worry" without someone adding, "Be happy.")

"OK, guys, I call no singing the 'GILLIGAN'S ISLAND' theme." - "Gilligan's Island" was a popular show from 1964-67, created by the same guy (Sherwood Schwartz) who later brought us "The Brady Bunch." It featured seven folks whose tour boat got wrecked on an uncharted desert island. If you really have never heard of this show, you are lucky. Anyway, the reference here is to Joel and the 'Bots's tendency to sing the theme song from the show anytime they see boats like this, because of similar images during the opening credit sequence of "Gilligan's Island."

"The GODS MUST BE CRAZY!" - No doubt the most successful movie ever to come from Botswana, "The Gods Must be Crazy" (1981) dealt with cultural clashes in Africa, which is where Botswana is currently located. Featured many scenes taking place in "bush" country, such as the environment depicted in this scene in MST.

"Ah! Hey, a GOLDSTAR..." - Korean-made brand of TVs, VCRs, etc. Generally regarded as being the cheapest and most poorly made products of the electronics world. Look at their website here.

"Bocca's a GOOD COP!" - Originally "Hooker's a good cop!" from "T.J. Hooker" (1982-87), a cop show starring William Shatner, better known as Captain Kirk in "Star Trek" TV show and movies.

The GREEN HORNET - Masked superhero created by George Trendle, who had also created the Lone Ranger. Green Hornet's by-day identity was Brett Reid, a newspaper editor and publisher. The character began on radio in 1936 and was featured in a TV show from 1966-67, trying to capitalize off the success of the "Batman" series.

Is your friend ready? "Who, Rosey GRIER?" - We find it hard to believe, too, but Rosey Grier is a guy. In fact, a former All-Pro defensive tackle for the Los Angeles Rams. He's now a minister, and he counseled former football colleague O.J. Simpson while he (Simpson) was in prison. Grier was teammates with Merlin Olsen, also a defensive tackle.

"Hey, a GUNDAROO." - He's taking a gun out of what might be the underwear drawer; it's a play on words involving "gun" and "Underoos," the popular line of kids' fun underwear from the late '70s. Underoos were designed to look like the costumes of various superheroes, complete with cape, when necessary. Eric recalls having the Superman Underoos and being told by his mother that he could not sleep with the cape on, for fear he would accidentally strangle himself. Eric also recalls being given the Underoos as a birthday present and thinking they were a costume, not underwear, and therefore going down the street to play with his friends while wearing them.

"So are you ready to join HAIR CLUB yet?" - Refers to the Hair Club for Men, a hair replacement system whose president is Sy Sperling, who, as he will tell you in his commercials, is not just the president, but a customer, too.

HAIRCUT 100 - Typical '80s pop band featuring Nick Heyward; best known for 1982 hit "Love Plus One."

"Keith HARING was here." - Keith Haring was a neo-pop artist who died of AIDS recently at age 31. Some of his work can be seen at this unofficial site. His drawings tended to be almost like stick figures, only more fleshy, much like this chalk outline.

"We've HIDDEN MITCHELL somewhere in this picture. Mitchell, will you stand up please?" - Paraphrase from Monty Python's Flying Circus, episode #24 (Dec. 8, 1970), the "How Not to be Seen" sketch. People are hidden in the picture, and whenever they come out of hiding, they are shot.

Paul HOGAN - Australian actor, most famous for the "Crocodile Dundee" movies (1986 and 1988). Also starred in the "Flipper" movie (1996). Had his own show -- "The Paul Hogan Show" -- in Australia in the 1970s.

"Well, old Mitchell sure got hisself HOGTIED AND RAILROADED there." - Typical of something that would be said by the narrator (Waylon Jennings) on "The Dukes of Hazzard" (1979-85), a comedy-adventure series about two fun-loving cousins and their attempts to outwit the stupid and corrupt lawmen in Hazzard County.

"And there on his colon was a HOOK." - From the scary old campfire story in which a man with a hook for a hand terrorizes some kids, and they drive away, and sure enough when they get to where they're going, on the car door, there's a hook. We forget the details, but the story is real creepy when it's told right, and when you're in fifth grade.

"Somewhere an INDIAN is crying" - Refers to a series of public service announcements encouraging people not to litter. A Native American fellow, upon seeing the blight upon the land wrought by the white man, stood there and cried. Kinda maudlin, really.

"IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY." - See Johnny MATHIS.

You really think so - "I'm turning JAPANESE." - 1980 song by the Vapors called "Turning Japanese" featured the chorus, "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so."

"Geez, those JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES are getting tough." - The Jehovah's Witnesses organization began in 1872 under Charles Taze Russell. They are most commonly known for their zealous proselyting and their refusal to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, or other holidays, even religious ones. They are a Christian group, though certainly not as "traditional" as say, the Catholics or Baptists. Learn all about 'em at their official website.

"Goodnight, JOHN-BOY." - John-Boy Walton, from TV's "The Waltons" (1972-81), was played by Richard Thomas. The show began as a Christmas special, "The Homecoming," and was not intended as a TV show pilot. However, response was so favorable that CBS decided to create a whole show out of the characters created for that special. The show would usually end with the characters saying goodnight to each other as they all went to bed.

"I'm gonna call Lady Bird JOHNSON." - Wife of Lyndon B. Johnson, U.S. president from 1963-69. Lady Bird was an avid conservationist and environmentalist.

"Thanks ... for the JUMP CUT." - A jump cut is a film editing technique in which a scene abruptly ends and we are moved to an entirely different location.

Andy KAUFMAN - Odd, inventive comedian of the late Œ70s and early Œ80s. Most commonly known as the strange immigrant Latka on TV¹s ³Taxi² (1978-83). He was also one of David Letterman¹s favorite guests ³Late Night with David Letterman²; it was on that show on July 28, 1982, that Kaufman got into a real-live shoving match with wrestler Jerry Lawler. (Actually, Lawler shoved Kaufman, and Kaufman shouted many obscenities at him.) Appeared on the first episode of ³Saturday Night Live² (Oct. 11, 1975), doing his strange stand up comedy routine. R.E.M.¹s song ³Man on the Moon² is about Andy. Kaufman died of lung cancer in 1984 at the age of 36, though many unstable people think that he faked his death and will return at some future date. The man shown here in "Mitchell" does look like him, and impersonations of some famous Kaufman lines follow (³You¹re so stupid,² ³Thank you very much²). Learn more Kaufman stuff.

"He's sleeping with Helen KELLER." - Helen Keller (1880-1968) was blind and deaf almost from birth, and yet, with the help of teacher Anne Sullivan, she learned to communicate and do a great deal of good. The play "The Miracle Worker" is about her early childhood. She would learn people's faces by feeling them with her hands, much as Linda Evans is doing to Mitchell here.

"Let's rip off the last scene from 'KEY LARGO'." - 1948 film starring Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Lionel Barrymore, lots more. Edward G. Robinson, as a gangster (!), holds a group of people hostage while at a beachside hotel during a tropical storm. We haven't seen it, so we can't elaborate on the specific rip-offness of this "Mitchell" scene.

"Hey, you want the radio? KING BISCUIT FLOWER HOUR is on." - Syndicated radio program featuring an hour of live music, a different band each week. The show began Feb. 18, 1973 (featuring Blood Sweat & Tears, the Mahavishnu Orchestra, and Bruce Springsteen), and has since done well over 1,000 episodes. Several CDs of music featured on the KBFH are available; go here to learn more.

"I'm KING HUSSEIN." - Not to be confused with Saddam Hussein, leader of Iraq, King Hussein is the leader of Jordan, another Middle-Eastern nation. Has led that country since 1953, and has been occasionally difficult to deal with and a bit controversial. Yeah, I guess the guy here kinda looks like him.

"This is so embarrassing, he's playing a KITARO album." - Kitaro is a New Age artist (though he prefers to call it "spiritual" music), much like Yanni, who Linda Evans is married to, which is why it would be so embarrassing if someone played a Kitaro album around her. He was born in Japan in 1953 and has recorded two dozen albums, beginning in the 1970s and continuing up to right this minute. He lives in a huge piece of land near Boulder, Colorado, but he goes back to Japan every year to the foot of Mount Fuji to perform the ritual drum ceremony he started in 1983. Seems like most ritual ceremonies are a bit older and more traditional 1983, started by a New Age musician, but we do not know a great deal about rituals in Japan. At any rate, this ceremony he started consists of him banging on some Taiko drums from sunrise to sunset, without stopping, often with such fervor that his hands bleed. So you can see what it is that pulls him back to Japan every year. Learn more about Kitaro.

"Hi, LARRY, I love your show." - Larry King had a radio call-in show forever, but in 1983, he tried a syndicated TV show with a similar format. It didn't do too well, disappearing after only a few months. In 1985, though, he tried the same thing on CNN, and with smashing results. He has celebrity guests, authors, and politicians on the show, and people can call up and ask them questions. They usually begin their remarks by saying something to the effect of, "Hi, Larry, I love your show."

"LIQUID METAL." - From the very successful little action film "Terminator 2" (1991). The line is spoken by Arnold Schwarzenegger in explaining to the future savior of mankind -- played by Edward Furlong -- what the evil terminator is made out of. Said evil terminator, when shot at or otherwise damaged, looks a bit like the ripped tin foil here, but then quickly comes back together again.

"Here's your LOSER ACTOR BOUQUET." - See Merlin OLSEN.

"The LUNATIC is on the grass." - The first line from "Brain Damage" from Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon." Released in 1973, it helped establish Pink Floyd as an international phenomenon. Although "DSOTM" didn't reach the Billboard top 200 until 1976, it stayed there for 13 years until 1989, setting a record for most consecutive weeks in the top 200. Listen to this album while watching "Wizard of Oz." Is there a cosmic connection? Some people think so.

"The declining years of Lee MAJORS." - Lee Majors' resume is full-to bursting. He was one of the sons on "The Big Valley" (1965-69); Owen Marshall's associate Jess Brandon on "Owen Marshall: Attorney at Law" (1971-74); Steve Austin the superhero on "The Six Million Dollar Man" (1973-78); the lead in "The Fall Guy" (1981-86), for which he also sang the theme song; and he appeared on several other shows, as well. Joe Don Baker looks like him.

"Did you ever have to MAKE UP YOUR MIND?" - Title of a #2 hit by the Lovin' Spoonful, from 1966. Can be found quite easily on their greatest hits album "Anthology," which has some great stuff on it; originally on the "Daydream" album. This song was also used in a 1996 ad campaign for Denny's Restaurants, in which several Denny's breakfasts were shown in very alluring poses while the song played, implying that deciding which delicious Denny's breakfast to order is a difficult decision. The Lovin' Spoonful have a website, of course.

"It's Bugsy MALONE." - 1976 film starring Scott Baio as Bugsy Malone, a gangster who's a kid! It was a light-hearted little thing, just like a gangster movie except all the mob guys were children, and their guns shot whipped cream instead of bullets.

"MANNIX: Extra large." - "Mannix" (1967-75) was a popular crime drama featuring Mike Connors as Joe Mannix, a private detective. MST is fond of mentioning the show whenever an "action" scene is taking place -- e.g., Merlin Olsen jumping -- and since Olsen is a large fellow... well, you get it.

"I'm gonna get a series before Stuart MARGOLIN." - Stuart Margolin was in a number of '70s TV series, and has been in three series with James Garner: "Nichols" (1971-72), in which he played a guy named Mitchell; "The Rockford Files" (1974-80), for which he won a Best Supporting Actor Emmy in 1979 and 1980; and "Bret Maverick" (1981-82). He also appeared in the famous flop "Mr. Smith" (1983), a show about a talking orangutan. MST fans may recognize him from #104 - Women of the Prehistoric Planet.

Johnny MATHIS - Johnny Mathis has been recording easy-listening, light music for about 40 years. His hits include the ones referred to in this episode: "Chances Are" (1957), "It's Not for Me to Say" (1956), and "Wonderful, Wonderful" (featuring the line "I tell myself it's wonderful, 1957). Recorded his first album in 1955. Odds are pretty good that your parents or grandparents have at least one Johnny Mathis record.

"Things will work out, Mr. MAXWELL." -

"Hey, Lucas McCAIN lives here." - Main character in "The Rifleman" (1958-63), played by Chuck Connors. Lucas could fire a round with his
self-cocking modified Winchester in three-tenths of a second. The show was darker and more grim than most other Westerns, but violence was kept at a minimum.

"He's gonna strip down to his underwear and watch 'McQ'." - "McQ" (1974) was a John Wayne film in which John Wayne drives a car! rather than riding a horse. Tries to get bad guy who killed his buddy.

MEATLOAF - Singer best known for his 1977 smash hit album "Bat out of Hell." Meatloaf (born Marvin Lee Aday) got the nickname when he stepped on the foot of his high school football coach. He moved from Dallas to L.A. in 1967 and soon found himself acting in productions of "Hair" and various other things. He appeared in "Rocky Horror Picture Show" (1975) and a few other movies. He continued to sing and record songs throughout the '80s, but never with anywhere near the success of "Bat out of Hell." Finally, in 1993, he released "Bat out of Hell II," which featured the hit single "I Would Do Anything for Love." This album was fairly successful. In 1978, he fell off a stage in Toronto and was in a wheelchair for a month; another time, he was clinically dead for 40 seconds after collapsing while performing. See this Meatloaf biography.

"MELMAC? Why would he be collecting Melmac?" - Brand of ceramic-like dishes used in the '50s; now you see them in cafeterias and diners quite a bit.

Larry MILLER - Comedian who has popped up several places in the last few years. Was a regular character on "The Pursuit of Happiness," a short lived 1995 sitcom on NBC. Also appeared, with Ray Romano, on a 1995 episode of Comedy Central's "Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist," and has guest-starred in episodes of "Seinfeld," "Mad about You," "Dream On," and "Law and Order." Was featured in films "L.A. Story" (1991), "The Nutty Professor" (1996), and "Waiting for Guffman" (1996), among many others.

"Oh, the Martha MITCHELL story." - Martha Mitchell was one interesting woman. A Southern belle, she was the wife of John Mitchell, who was attorney general during Watergate. Her claims that her husband was involved in something foul caused Nixon to later say, "If it hadn't been for Martha Mitchell, there'd have been no Watergate." He amended this to say that John Mitchell, who was president of the Committee to Re-elect the President (CREEP) at the time of the Watergate break-in, was so preoccupied with his wife's behavior that he wasn't properly "minding the store." John was persuaded to divorce Martha -- she was a liability, after all -- in 1973; she died of cancer in 1976. Her story really is very interesting; read more.

"MOBSTERS LAUGHING, really smiling, ... selling heroin." - Originally "People dancing, people laughing, a man selling ice cream," from the Chicago song "Saturday in the Park."

"MOVIN' ON UP, Wheezy!" - Refers to "The Jeffersons" (1975-85), or more specifically to the theme song, which begins, "Well, we're movin' on up..." The "Wheezy" part comes because that's what George Jefferson (Sherman Helmsley) called his wife Louise (Isabel Sanford). The whole reference is made because of the jivey way one of the characters is walking: it reminds one of the opening credits of "The Jeffersons," which showed a very funky George Jefferson walking in much the same manner.

"Why are they playing NADIA'S THEME?" "They're young and restless." - The music here sounds like the theme from TV's "The Young and the Restless" (1973-present). The music was composed by Barry DeVorzen and Perry Botkin, Jr., for the 1971 film "Bless the Beasts and the Children"; it was then called "Cotton's Theme." It was used on "Y&R" for several years before gaining national prominence when gymnast Nadia Comaneci used it for her routine during the 1976 Olympics. Thereafter it was popularly known as "Nadia's Theme," even being released on a single under that title in 1976.

"Johnny NASH breaks into a suburban home." - Johnny Nash was a reggae singer, his biggest hit being 1972's "I Can See Clearly Now." A small disagreement here between your web authors--Mike thinks this was a flubbed line, and Servo meant to say "Johnny Mathis" because of the plentiful Mathis references that follow. Eric thinks it's intentional because of the Nash-esque music playing in the background during this scene. Hmm...anyone?

"I'll NEVER GROW OLD, I'll never die, and I'll always eat oatmeal." - Line from "Cocoon" (1985), spoken by Wilford Brimley.

"You'll NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, coppers." -

"Looks like he's doing a NIXON." - Richard M. Nixon was U.S. president from 1969 until his resignation in August, 1974, following the big Watergate scandal you may have heard about. He is known for raising his arms and making a "V" for "Victory" sign with both hands.

"NOBODY ASKED for a prostitute, take her right away." -

Al NOGA - Al Noga was a defensive end in the NFL, spending most of his career with the Minnesota Vikings, and finishing up with the Washington Redskins. Our correspondent tells us the burglar does look like him, and that he (Al Noga, not the burglar) is now playing for the San Jose SaberCats in the Arena Football League, which means his career is not exactly great at the moment.

"Merlin OLSEN sent him that painting." - See Merlin OLSEN.

Merlin OLSEN - Merlin Olsen gets referred to about a thousand times in this episode. He was born in Logan, Utah, and is a devout Mormon. He started as a football player, graduating from Utah State University in 1962. He was the L.A. Rams' number-one draft pick that year and was named Rookie of the Year. He was a defnsive tackle for the Rams until his retirement from football in 1976, and during that time he was named to 14 straight Pro Bowls (a record), as well as receiving many other honors. As for acting, he appeared as Jonathan Garvey from 1977-81 on "Little House on the Prairie" (1974-83), and then on his own show, "Father Murphy" (1981-82). He was the commercial spokesman for FTD Florists for a while, hence all the references to flowers and "Pick-Me-Up Bouquets" and the like.

I arrange a hundred dollar company in your name - "You mean ORION?" - Refers to the fact that, a few years ago, Orion Pictures nearly had to declare bankruptcy after a series of business failures and unsuccessful movies.

"Jimmy OSMOND, all grown up." - One member of the famous family of Mormon entertainers, the Osmonds. You can learn all about them at the official Osmond website. There isn't a Jimmy page yet, but it's supposed to be under construction.

"He was my PARTNER for seven years!" -

"Take me to Wendy's, I'm meeting Clara PELLER." - Clara Peller was best known as the "Where's the beef?" lady for Wendy's commercials in the early '80s. She died in 1987 at the age of 86. She had also appeared in the 1985 film "Moving Violations." Wendy's is a fast food chain with square hamburgers patties and an even squarer spokesperson -- founder Dave Thomas, a white-haired, friendly-looking fellow who has appeared in well over 100 commercials for the restaurant he started.

"Today on the PEOPLE'S COURT." - "The People's Court" (1981-93) featured real live litigants having their small-claims cases being settled on TV by a real live judge, the grumpy Joseph A. Wapner. The music here sounds like the percussive, synthesized theme music for the show.

"He seems down. I'll send him a PICK-ME-UP BOUQUET." - See Merlin OLSEN.

"It's 'The Servant,' by Harold PINTER." - Harold Pinter is a playwright, born in England in 1930. His play "The Servant" was made into a 1963 movie, which he wrote the screenplay for. It deals with a corrupt servant who becomes the master of his employer, and it focuses on moral degridation, that sort of thing.

"This week's PRACTICAL JOKE, the victim, John Saxon." - From "TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes" (1984-86), wherein celebrities would be humiliated by elaborate practical jokes played on them by their friends. Dick Clark and Ed McMahon hosted the show, which also featured outtakes from various TV shows and movies, as well as little animations by MAD Magazine's Sergio Aragones.

"P.T. 90210." - Refers to the 1963 film "PT 109," a true story about the boat John F. Kennedy commanded in World War II.

"QUALITY'S JOB ONE, yep." - "Quality is Job One" is the slogan for the Ford Motor Company, which was organized in 1903, with John S. Gray as president and Henry Ford vice president. (He became president in 1906.) You can read the entire history of the Ford Motor Company.

"I'm almost Anthony QUINN." - Film actor who has appeared in well over 100 movies since the 1930s, including many foreign ones. Films include "Zorba the Greek" (1964) and "Barabbas" (1962). He also appeared in a few TV movies about "Hercules" in 1994.

"She's gonna write REDRUM on his windshield." - From the Stephen King novel "The Shining," which was made into a film in 1980. "Redrum," which is "murder" backwards, was the word the little boy would write on things.

"REYNOLDS WRAP, keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out." - Reynolds Wrap is a brand of aluminum foil.

Adam RICH - Adam Rich played young Nicholas Bradford on "Eight is Enough" (1977-81). He also appeared in "Code Red" (1981-82), a show about a family of firefighters, and on the short-lived "Gun Shy" (1983), a comedy/western based on Disney's "Apple Dumpling Gang" films.

"This is turning into an episode of RIPTIDE." - Nautical-themed crime show that ran from 1984-86 on NBC. A pair of private detectives and their pal, a computer nerd, ran their operation from a boat docked in a harbor.

"The maritime equivalent of ROCK-CLIMBING." - From MST #208 - Lost Continent. This 1951 movie, which was not good, featured long, extended, redundant sequences with the heroes climbing up the side of a mountain. The scenes were pure torture for Joel and the 'Bots, and Dr. Forrester and Frank took great pleasure merely in mentioning the words "rock climbing."

"Cut out that ROCKFORD music." - "The Rockford Files" (1974-80) starred James Garner as a private eye recently released from prison (though he hadn't committed any crime). The music here sounds like the theme for the show.

"Sorry, bud, we thought you were ROCKFORD." - Refers to "The Rockford Files" (1974-80), in which James Garner, as a private eye, was frequently being beaten up by various bad guys.

"Mr. ROPER, you home?" - Mr. Roper was a character played by Norman Fell on "Three's Company" (1977-84), and on a spinoff, "The Ropers" (1979-1980). We believe that the set here reminds one of Roper's place on "Three's Company."

"What, did you have Mickey ROURKE over or something?" - Film actor known for his wild behavior; he was arrested in 1994 and charged with spousal abuse. Real name: Philip Andre Rourke, Jr. Probably best known for his role in the erotic "Nine 1/2 Weeks" (1986). Has appeared in over 30 films since 1979.

"I'm Rosalind RUSSELL." - Film actress (1908-76) signed by both MGM and Universal in 1934 -- she had tested for both simultaneously and then had to convince Universal to release her, since she obviously couldn't be a slave to two masters at the same time. Her first big role was as Sylvia Fowler in "The Women" (1939); she began her series of "boss lady" roles as the star reporter in "His Girl Friday" the next year. She won a Tony for "Wonderful Town" in 1953, and was nominated for several Oscars over the course of her career. Also wrote the screenplay for "The Unguarded Moment" (1956), which starred Esther Williams in her only non-swimming film role, and which also featured the lovely John Saxon.

John SAXON - His real name is Carmen Orrico, and he was born in 1935 in Brooklyn. He has appeared in well over 100 movies, including the recent "From Dusk Til Dawn" (1996) and the original "Nightmare on Elm Street" (1984). Also starred as Dr. Ted Stuart in "The Doctors" (1969-73), part of NBC's four-in-one anthology called "The Bold Ones."

"SCARFACE didn't do that much..." - From the 1983 movie "Scarface," about a Cuban immigrant (played by Al Pacino) who makes a living in Miami as a major drug dealer. Film is violent and excessive, and fun!

"It was the third of SEPTEMBER, a day you'll always remember." - (To us, it sounds like Servo says "a day you'll always remember," but if he does, he's misquoting it.) First lines of "Papa Was a Rolling Stone," a 1972 hit for the Temptations.

"It's a SHRINERS car." -

"That Mitchell is one fast... SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Hey, I'm just talking about Mitchell." - From the theme song to the movie "Shaft" (1971), about a black detective hired to find a kidnapped woman. (The original words were about Shaft, not Mitchell.) Isaac Hayes did the song, and it won an Oscar! Film was followed by two sequels (1972 and 1973), and a TV series from 1973-74.

"Almost time for 'SILK STALKINGS'." - "Silk Stalkings": a cheesy, sexy crime show on both CBS (1991-93) and the USA Network (1991-present). It comes on late at night, and mostly single guys watch it.

"SIRENS." - Crime show about three lady cops at the Pittsburgh Police Department. Ran from 1993-95, first on ABC, then in first-run syndication.

What's on the water? "SMOKE." -"Smoke on the Water," a Deep Purple song from 1972.

"I think maybe the SNOOP SISTERS are in there." - "The Snoop Sisters" was a short-lived (six episodes) TV show in 1974, featuring Helen Hayes and Mildred Natwick as sisters who wrote mysteries, and solved real ones too. Actually began as a 1972 TV movie.

Nobody paying you this time. -- "I'm doing it on SPEC." - "Spec" is short for "speculation." It's used primarily in the world of free-lance writing when an author submits an idea and is told to go ahead and write it -- the editors aren't opposed to the idea -- but there's no guarantee that the finished product will be purchased; he is writing it purely on "spec." Note that in other episodes, references are made to Crow writing spec screenplays. (Eric, a free-lance writer his own self, finds this MST joke endlessly amusing.)

SPOCK - Spock was a character played by Leonard Nimoy in the original "Star Trek" series (1966-69), as well as in the first several movies. However, Merlin Olsen's death throes remind our heroes not of Spock himself, but of the way William Shatner, who played Captain Kirk, said "Spooooock!" when he was in trouble. (This may have been a particular episode, or just Shatner's behavior in general.)

"Hey, it's the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE in dry-dock." - The Starship Enterprise was the one on "Star Trek" (1966-69), as well as in the movies. In "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987-94), the characters were aboard a new, improved version of the Enterprise.

You were a Christmas gift. -- "I wanted a SUPER-SOAKER." - Brand of very popular, very powerful water guns. They don't just shoot a little stream of water, like the water pistols we had as kids -- they'll soak you.

"SWEET ADELINE." - It's a standard barbershop quartet number, and there are several all-female barbershop groups who call themselves the "Sweet Adelines." But that's all we can find.

"Loved you in the TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE." - 1974 film starring Martin Balsam, about a subway car being taken hostage.

"Alright John TESH, I know you're in here." - Along with Yanni (Linda Evans's husband), John Tesh is a New Age musician. He began as an anchor man for the syndicated "Entertainment Tonight," first appearing in 1986. By the mid-'90s, though, he had become quite successful as a musician. He was a commentator for the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta, and was widely criticized for his superficial, insensitive commentary. Tesh performed musical shows for friends and family as a child, though he initially detested being forced to learn the piano.

"Whoa! The THING WITH THE DEAL, oh!" - This is an impression of Jerry Lewis, from his wacky, crazy films of the '50s and '60s. Did you know that Jerry Lewis was in at least one film every single year from 1949 to 1970?

"I think B.G. THOMAS is in his room." - His song, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head," was the first #1 song of the 1970s. We cannot find anymore information on him.

"And today, THREE-M is a vibrant company, combining innovation, effective risk management, and marketing. Three-M." - There really is a "3M" company: Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Co. They make Scotch tape and Post-It notes, among other things, and of course they have a website. The joke here is referring to promotional films that extol the virtues of whatever company made the film. The background music is what particularly reminds one of those movies. 3M may or may not have made a film of this nature; it doesn't really matter, because the joke is funny either way.

Party's over -- "TIME TO CALL IT A DAY." -

"Mr. TREVINO's been hit again!" - Lee Trevino, a very successful professional golfer.

"He looks like the moon in 'A TRIP TO THE MOON'." - "A Trip to the Moon" was made around the turn of the century by a French magician named Georges Melies. It was an important film in that it was among the first motion pictures to actually tell a stor; previously, films (which at that point had barely come into existence) were usually of ordinary things like people leaving a factory after work, or swimming at the beach. The novelty of seeing pictures "move" was enough to hold people's interest -- but not for long. The newness wore off, but thanks to Melies and others, who began to use films to tell stories, the public again became enamoured with movies, and they're still fairly popular today, from what we understand. "A Trip to the Moon" was probably the first science-fiction film, and it was modestly parodied in the video for the 1996 Smashing Pumpkins song "Tonight."

"Sorry about the porn, there's a Kilgore TROUT piece in there." - Kilgore Trout is a fictional sci-fi writer invented by real sci-fi writer Kurt Vonnegut. He appears in several of Vonnegut's works, including "Slaughterhouse Five." Read more about Trout and Vonnegut at a website devoted to him/them.

"You can't handle the TRUTH!" - Line spoken by Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men" (1992). He's the commanding officer at a base where one Marine was killed by two others, and he doesn't want the truth of the whole matter to come out. It does, though, and boy is he mad. The one he thought couldn't "handle the truth" was Tom Cruise, by the way.

That's the way Mr. Gallano wants it. "UH-HUH, UH-HUH." - From 1975 #1 hit by K.C. and the Sunshine Band, "That's the Way (I Like it)." The chorus goes, "That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it." The band freely admits that the song is nothing more than the conversation between two people while having sex; read more of their provocative rise to fame at this excellent fan site.

"It means the victim was Jack VALENTI." - Jack Valenti is president and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America, and he always gives a lame speech at the Academy Awards. He was a pilot in WWII, and has published several books and essays. We can't imagine it, but maybe you want to know more about him.

"The only really exciting thing is that 'VANISHING POINT' is being filmed on the other side of the canyon." - 1971 film about a guy trying to drive from Denver to San Francisco in only 15 hours, much to the chagrin of the cops.

VAN MORRISON - Merlin looks a bit like him here. Born in Ireland in 1945, Van Morrison has been a professional musician since age 15. He began as an R&B singer, and has always been rooted in blues, jazz, and gospel, playing the guitar, harmonica and saxophone. He considers himself an "outsider" and rarely grants press interviews. One of his biggest hits was 1967's "Brown-Eyed Girl," which is actually not terribly characteristic of most of his music. He also established his reputation with 1968's album "Astral Weeks," with the songs "Madame George" and "Cypress Avenue." He still records occasionally and is still fairly active in performing. Check out this Van Morrison website.

"A VASE, or two faces?" - Refers to the common optical illusion picture that looks like either a vase, or two profiles facing each other, depending on how you look at it.

"We are two WILD AND CRAZY guys." - Catchphrase from late-'70s "Saturday Night Live" sketch featuring Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as the Festrunk brothers, two swinging bachelors from Czechoslovakia. Steve Martin was never a cast member, but he has hosted the show about a dozen times over the years. These characters only appeared on the show twice and have remained famous for all these years; compare this to the current "SNL" strategy of having characters appear over and over and over again, until you're just sick of them. (Can you say "Pat?")

"I tell myself it's WONDERFUL." - See Johnny MATHIS.

YANNI - New Age composer/musician who is currently married to Linda Evans. Born in Greece, he came to America in 1972 to attend the University of Minnesota, where he earned a degree in psychology. He is a self-taught musician and has perfect pitch. He has recorded 13 albums since 1988.