Here's a list of episodes currently available on Comedy Central.
All films, characters, and show references are, of course © their
creators/distributors, and their mention here is not a challenge of ownership.
Episode #401: Space Travellers (color)
Released as Marooned. Astronauts Gene Hackman, Richard Crenna and James
Franciscus are stranded in orbit and Gregory Peck tries to rescue them. Host:
Joel Hodgson
Episode #402: The Giant Gila Monster (b/w)
A giant gila monster encounters a band of rock and roll loving teenagers in
the New Mexico desert. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #403: City Limits (color)
Set 15 years in the future after a devastating plague, youth gangs take over
the planet. Starring Robbie Benson, Rae Dawn Chong, and James Earl Jones.
Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #404: Teenagers from Outer Space (b/w)
Invaders from space invade Earth and breed giant lobster monsters, but their
plans are thwarted when one of the aliens falls for an earth girl. Host: Joel
Hodgson
Episode #405: Being from Another Planet
A mummy dug up from Tutankhamen's tomb is actually an alien visitor. The mummy
gets revenge on whomever stole jewels from its tomb. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #406: Attack of the Giant Leeches (b/w)
Intelligent, bloodthirsty leeches lie in wait in southern swamps for
unsuspecting white trash. Subplot: bartender catches wife cheating. Host: Joel
Hodgson
Episode #407: The Killer Shrews (b/w)
A mad scientist in Texas has created monstrous attack shrews. With James Best,
Ken Curtis (Festus on "Gunsmoke"), and Ingrid Goude (1957 Miss Universe).
Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #408: Hercules Unchained (color)
Hercules must use his strength to save the city of Thebes and the woman he
loves from the giant and evil Antaeus. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #409: Indestructible Man (b/w)
A man unjustly electrocuted for murder returns from the dead and vows to kill
those who have wronged him. With Lon Chaney Jr. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #410: Hercules Against the Moonmen (color)
(1964) Hercules (Alan Steel) must face off against the evil Moonmen who are on
a killing rampage in hopes of reviving their dead queen. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #411: The Magic Sword (color)
Action-packed sword and sorcery fantasy (evil magician kidnaps princess,
princess is rescued) featuring dwarves, dragons, and ogres. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #412: Hercules & Captive Women
The sadistic Queen of Atlantis has kidnapped Hercules' son and he must find a
way to save the boy. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #413: Manhunt in Space (color)
The Space Ranger is sent on an outer space mission in this 1954 science
fiction adventure. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #414: Tormented (b/w)
An adulterous piano player pushes his mistress to her death from a lighthouse
and is haunted by the limbs of her ghost. Host: JoelHodgson
Episode #415: The Beatnicks (b/w)
A talent scout offers the leader of a terrorist gang a shot at stardom. Trying
to break from the gang, he gets involved in a murder. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #417: Crash of the Moons (b/w)
A space crew must evacuate planet Ophiuchus before the Gypsy Moons collide.
Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #418: Attack of the Eye Creatures
Evil eyeballs from outer space invade unsuspecting inhabitants. The people
have one defense -- the eyeballs blow up when exposed to bright light. Host:
Joel Hodgson
Episode #419: The Rebel Set (a.k.a. Beatsville) (b/w)
A beatnik coffee shop owner gets involved in a million-dollar heist but things
go awry. Stars Edward Platt. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #420: Human Duplicators (color)
Richard Kiel stars as an evil alien sent to Earth to infiltrate the government
with man-like androids. With Hugh Beaumont. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #421: Monster a-Go-Go (b/w)
Featuring Henry Height, the tallest man in the world, this movie is about an
astronaut who returns to Earth as a mutated giant. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #422: The Day the Earth Froze (color)
A witch cries out for a magical fire, but when refused, she casts a spell to
stop the sun, turning the Earth into a huge ice ball. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #424: Manos, the Hands of Fate
A vacationing family takes a wrong turn and stops at the wrong house to ask
directions when the nightmare begins. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #502: Hercules (color)
(1959) Steve Reeves stars as the mythical hero who endures countless trials to
win the woman he loves. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #503: Swamp Diamonds
Mike Connors and Carole Matthews star in this tale of stolen diamonds, prison
breakouts and true love. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #504: Secret Agent, Super Dragon (color)
The CIA calls in the agent known as Super Dragon when they learn a Venezuelan
drug czar wants to spike American candy with LSD. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #505: Magic Voyage of Sinbad (color)
Sinbad embarks on a fantastic journey after promising the people back home
that he will find the elusive Phoenix. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #506: Eegah! (color)
An anachronistic Neanderthal falls in love with the teenage girl who discovers
him. Richard Kiel stars. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #507: I Accuse My Parents (b/w)
A juvenile delinquent tries to blame a murder and his involvement in a gang of
thieves on his parents' failure to raise him properly. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #508: Operation Double 007
Neil Connery (Sean's brother) plays a secret agent who gets involved with
everything form the ruthless criminals to brainwashed robo-girls to assassins.
Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #509: Girl in Lover's Lane
A drifter falls in love with a small town girl but becomes a murder suspect
when she turns up dead. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #510: The Painted Hills
Lassie outsmarts crooked miners and rescues her friends. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #511: The Gunslinger (color)
A woman marshal struggles to keep law and order in a town overrun by outlaws.
With Beverly Garland and John Ireland. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #512: Mitchell (color)
Tough cop battles drug traffic and insipid script. Meanwhile Joel Robinson is
blasted off the Planet of Love. Host: Joel Hodgson
Episode #513: The Brain That Wouldn't Die (b/w)
A surgeon experimenting on transplanting parts of dead bodies to living ones
looks for a suitable home for his decapitated fiancee's head. Host: Mike
Nelson
Episode #516: Alien from L.A. (color)
Kathy Ireland stars as a valley girl who accidentally falls down a hole and
finds herself in the lost city of Atlantis. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #521: Santa Claus (color)
Award-winning children's tale of the holiday hero. Stars Joseph Elias Moreno
and Ken Smith. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #601: Girls Town (b/w)
Bad girl Mamie Van Doren is sent to a correctional facility where she learns
she's not so funny after all. With Mel Torme, Elinor Donahue. Host: Mike
Nelson
Episode #602: Invasion USA (b/w)
A TV reporter investigates the need for a draft in this Red Scare propaganda.
Also with short film, A Date with Your Family. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #603: The Dead Talk Back
Unreleased until now . . . a so-called thriller about people communing with
the dead. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #604: Zombie Nightmare (color)
A murdered teenager is brought back to life as a zombie. He then takes revenge
on all his former rebel friends. Stars Adam West. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #605: Colossus and the Headhunters (color)
The survivor of a spectacular earthquake escapes to an island, where he
pledges aid to the dethroned queen in her battle against a ferocious tribe.
Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #606: Creeping Terror (b/w)
A giant carpet monster is hungry for lackadaisical teenagers. This alien
carpet sucks them down and devours them. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #607: Blood Lust
Dr. Jekyll returns to London with a vengeance to destroy the human race. Also
with short film, Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #608: Code Name: Diamond Head (color)
Spies and a deadly chemical hidden somewhere in Hawaii -- a deadly
combination. Also with short film, A Day at the Fair. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #609: The Skydivers (b/w)
A spiteful girl is bent on destroying a skydiving school run by an ex-G.I. and
his wife. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #610: The Violent Years
Trouble ensues after a co-ed heavy petting pajama party. Also with short film,
Keeping Clean . Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #611: The Last of the Wild Horses (b/w)
A ranch owner isaccused of trying to force the small ranchers out of business
and the conflict almost starts a range war. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #612: The Star Fighters
Congressman Bob Dornan stars in this classic Air Force epic. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #613: The Sinister Urge
An Ed Wood classic about a smut picture racket, focusing on plump women in
their underwear and how that contributes to juvenile delinquency. Host: Mike
Nelson
Episode #614: San Francisco International (color)
A pilot's wife is held hostage in a plot to steal money from a cargo plane.
With Pernell Roberts, Van Johnson, Tab Hunter, and David Hartman. Host: Mike
Nelson
Episode #615: Kitten with a Whip
When a politician lets a runaway girl spend the night, he gets more than he
bargained for. Starring Ann-Margret and John Forsythe. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #616: Racket Girls
A must-see female wrestling melodrama. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #617: The Sword and the Dragon (color)
Demons, giants, and a fire-breathing dragon have to be vanquished to defeat
the evil Kaleen. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #618: High School Big Shot
An ingenious high school guy tries stealing to impress and eventually steal a
girl's heart away. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #619: Red Zone Cuba (color)
Three escaped convicts hired as mercenaries in the Bay of Pigs invasion are
captured in Cuba. They steal a plane and escape. Starring John Carradine.
Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #620: Danger! Death Ray
A good ole-fashioned swingin' spy caper film. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #621: The Beast of Yucca Flats (b/w)
A scientist escapes the Communists, flees to America, and is pursued by
Russian agents. Brain destroyed by H-Bomb. Murder and rape result. Host: Mike
Nelson
Episode #622: Angels Revenge
Like Charlie's Angels, five lovely women band together to fight a local
kingpin and his henchman. Starring Jack Palance and Peter Lawford. Host: Mike
Nelson
Episode #623: The Amazing Transparent Man
Mad scientist makes convict invisible to steal radioactive materials for him,
but subject would rather use his talents at the nearby bank. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #624: Samson and the Vampire Women
A dubbed Mexican vampire wrestling movie, features the masked avenger Samson,
known as El Santo, a famous wrestling hero in Mexico. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #701: Night of the Blood Beast
(1958) Starring Michael Emmet, Angela Greene, and John Baer. An astronaut
returns from space apparently dead; when he awakens, he's found to have alien
embryos within him -- a pregnant man! Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #702: The Brute Man
(1946) Starring Tom Neal, Rondo Hatton, Jane Adams. Good looks take a bad turn
in this tragic tale of disfigurement. Loosely based on star Rondo Hatton's
real life. Basically, a poor boy's Elephant Man. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #703: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
(1946) Rondo Hatten's last film. Rondo (a.k.a. the creeper, the Back-Breaker,
and The Brute Man) stalks and befriends a blind woman who aids and abets his
maniacal killing spree. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #704: The Incredible Melting Man
(1978) Starring Alex Rebar, Burr DeBenning, and Myron Healey. A lone survivor
from a low-budget space mission realizes to his chagrin that the mission has
turned his body into a melting mess. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #705: Escape 2000
(1981) Ripoff of The Most Dangerous Game. A big-lipped hero eludes an
incompetent hero who wants to get everyone out of the Bronx. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #706: Laserblast
(1978) A teenager finds a raygun which allows him to destroy his enemies.
Aliens are the best things in the film, along with a drunk grandpa and a
hurtful geek. Host: Mike Nelson
Episode #801: The Revenge of the Creature
Episode #802: Leech Woman
Episode #803: The Mole People
Episode #804: The Deadly Mantis
Episode #805: The Thing That Couldn't Die
Episode #806: The Undead
This cinematic slop, directed by Roger "Gets Far More Respect than He
Deserves" Corman, has a former student returning to his teacher at the
"Institute Of Psychical Research" (yeah, right) to prove that he has surpassed
this ex-mentor, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Mel Cooley of The Dick
Van Dyke Show. Apparently tutored by mystics in Nepal, this weird and
disturbing younger psychicicical researcher endeavors to regress a
streetwalker - whose time he has quite appropriately paid for - through her
past lives. The point? Who knows. Ask Roger Corman. Anyways, this woman-of
dubious-virtue from the 20th century soon regresses to medieval France, where
she is now a young maiden falsely accused of witchcraft and scheduled to be
beheaded the following dawn. From there ensues one of the most baffling
narratives ever created by man, an unnecessarily complicated tale involving
witches; imps (an imp, more specifically, played way over the top by
small-person actor Billy Barty); an annoying gravedigger named Smolken who
constantly sings lame songs about death, corpses, rats, etc.; an
extraordinarily fey Satan in a Peter Pan hat; and all sorts of time travel
nonsense and reincarnation bunko. In the end, the over-ambitious young 20th
century pyschicicicicicical researcher gets trapped in this medieval kingdom,
which is the size of an 10' by 15' movie studio. Oh yeah, and the 20th century
prostitute attains virtue and wisdom because - oh, frankly, I don't know.
Again, I refer you to Mr. Corman. I wish I could provide his home number.
Episode #807: Terror from the Year 5000!
Episode #808: The She Creature
Filmed in Depress-o-vision, this talkie follows the exploits of the wholly
unappealing, ineffective psychic, Dr. Carlo Lombardi, who has been dipped in
oil. Lombardi uses his vanishingly small talents to hypnotize a woman into
conjuring a feminine lobster creature from out of the sea to kill people who
annoy him. It doesn't make any more sense when you see the film, trust me.
Lance Fuller is the only one who can rescue Lombardi's Trilby, a sock-eyed
woman named Andrea, who, inexplicably, falls for the sack-of-doorknobs that is
Lance. Eventually, the full-figured crawfish creature kills Lombardi and
returns to the sea to spawn, or something.
Episode #809: I was a Teenage Werewolf
I was a Teenage Werewolf. Well, there you have it. There's not much more to
add to that. This bio-pic portrays Michael Landon's life as a teenage
werewolf. He's a frustrated teen who doesn't fit in. A psychiatrist (the
magnetic Whit Bissell) does some sort of past life regression on Landon's
character and he becomes a werewolf whenever he hears a bell ringing... or
sees milk... or hears milk ringing... (I'm not real clear on this - neither is
the movie.) His girlfriend loves him for no apparent reason, and he has a
pitiful dad who's doing his damnedest to try to keep things together. Landon's
werewolfery spins out of control (because of Whit Bissell's unbridled
ineptitude, I might point out) and all ends tragically. Although Landon dies
in the end, so does Whit Bissell, so its a draw. Check out the entire Michael
Landon bio-pic oeuvre, chronicling his entire life, which includes I Was A
Late-Teens/Early Twenties Cowboy; I Was A Middle-Age Prairie Dad; I Was An
Angel Of A Certain Age.
Episode #810: Giant Spider Invasion
Once upon a time in a faraway place called Wisconsin, evidently a land of
alcoholic scrub farmers and prideless prostitutes, there was a low-budget
filmmaker named Bill Rebane. He gathered a few of his sub-literate neighbors
and made this movie. In it, between drinking and whoring and failing at
various endeavors, these good people find themselves invaded via meteor by one
or more large spiders who eat them. (I wouldn't eat one of these people,
myself, but then I'm neither a giant spider nor Ed Gein.) A couple of
unconvincing NASA scientists, one played by Barbara Hale of tattered Perry
Mason fame, come to the rescue. They paste together some kind of explanation,
and if I can recall (we wrote this way last week) blow the spiders up. Barbara
Hale repeatedly deploys a harshly nasal scream toward the end, something like
a cougar in heat. You ever hear a cougar in heat? Wow. Oh yeah, it may not be
worth mentioning that the town's Sheriff is played by Alan Hale.
Episode #811: parts: the clonus horror
What appears to be a summer camp for tiny-brained adults turns out to be a
secret encampment of clones, raised to provide body parts for (can you guess?)
rich white people. Peter Graves is one of the whitest people there's ever been
and in this movie he's also rich, so he's running for President. His brother
is rich and white too but has something of a conscience, so when he meets his
own clone - a thunderingly stupid fellow with a perpetually downcast mouth -
he feels kinda bad. I mean who wouldn't, faced with your slim-shouldered
womany clone looking at you with those big cow eyes?
This thick clone has escaped from the cruel and frankly condescending
caretakers of the impenetrably isolated clone world by crossing an ankle-deep
river and a line of medium-sized hills. As luck would have it he runs smack
dab into Keenan Wynn and his wife, who between bouts of really bitter and
pointless bickering take something of a shine to the young semi-human. They
introduce him to Peter Graves' brother, thus setting in motion a chain of
events. There are at least two events that I can remember.
Sadly (I guess), the Keenan Wynns are blown up by the forces of evil
whiteness, our sad sack hero is recaptured, his clone girlfriend is given an
entirely gratuitous lobotomy, and everything just falls apart. Keenan manages
to get word of the project to a reporter, but knowing rich white people as I
do I wouldn't be surprised if they got their way regardless.
Episode #812: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became
Mixed-Up Zombies
A drunken doughy salesman (that is, a salesman - we're talking 1964 here)
turns down the apparently sexual advances of pizza-faced Carmelita, a carnival
fortune-teller who summons her even more pizza-faced assistant Ortega to help
her pour acid on the guy's face and usher him into the back room, where he
joins her growing army of former salesmen who are now zombies. Had even one
salesman consented to lay with Carmelita perhaps we might have been spared
this movie, but on such chances doth history turn.
Then we meet a guy named Jerry (director Ray Dennis Steckler, acting under the
pseudonym Cash Flagg) who is posited to be a rebel, albeit a whiny weenie sort
of rebel. He's got a friendly Czech roommate, which is fine, and a girlfriend
named Angie who in spite of her super-skinny mom and super-fey brother Madison
seems a pleasant sort. So what's Jerry's problem? Why is he such a crab? Who
knows. Anyway, soon enough Jerry, Angie, and roommate head to the carnival and
what with one thing and another Jerry is ensnared by Carmelita and becomes a
zombie. He kills a carny or two and is shot by a cop on the beach.
Aside from all that, there are dozens of extravagantly shoddy dance numbers,
performed by women clad only in saggy underpants.
What I've skipped could fill a paragraph.
Episode #813: Jack Frost
Episode #814: Riding with Death
This epic slice of the Seventies is actually two episodes of a failed and
monumentally stupid TV series welded together. It (they) star(s) the vacuous,
meaty Ben Murphy, an alleged Harvard Law grad, now a super-agent for a super
secret agency that works out of a parking garage in Sherman Oaks. On a super
secret mission, radiation turned Ben invisible rather than killing him and
ending the series before it started, dammit.
In the first episode of the -ahem- movie, addle-pated Ben plays a trucker, a
station far beyond his intellect, and along with Heywood Floyd from 2001: a
Space Odyssey spearheads a badly planned transport of a super-secret fuel
additive from-
Aw, who the hell am I kidding? Why even bother? The plot is stupid and
pointless, The dialogue pat and smarmy, the actors stagy in that Mid-seventies
Universal Television "who-gives-a-good-crap" sort of way, Heywood Floyd is
embarrassingly bad. And to cap it off, Riding With Death showcases the slimy
ministrations of the insipid, badly dressed and apparently talentless cracker
Jim Stafford. And I'm just talking about the good stuff.
Episode #815: Agent for H.A.R.M.
Ah yes, it's the Sixties again, and studly secret agents are running all over
the place, proud and free. The eponymous "Agent For H.A.R.M." is one Adam
Chance, a joyless fellow who favors yellow cardigan sweaters and looks like
Dr. Smith's less effeminate younger brother. Chance is assigned to protect one
Dr. Jan Steffanic, a scientist recently defected from a vague Iron Curtain
country (remember them?). Turns out Steffanic is on the cutting edge of some
wacko technology which shoots "spores" at people, turning them into quivering
masses of green-grey fungus - quite a disgusting little fate, as you might
imagine. Dr. Steffanic also has a frequently-bikini-ed niece, who is
certifiably hot. And though she is easily 25 years younger than Chance
(really, when has that ever mattered in the world of movies?), they become
entangled. They survive an onslaught of fey, mincing Euro-bad guys, one of
whom is the artist known as Prince. Turns out the niece - like most alluring
women in these kind of movies - is Evil and not to be trusted. She is exposed
as a double agent for the Commies, and then the movie mercifully ends.
Episode #816: Prince of Space
This movie is Japanese. It's so Japanese in fact that the actors spoke
Japanese, and so in order to understand it, it had to be dubbed in English.
And this is where our sad involvement begins.
So the plot as it appeared to me is this: This mean guy, The Phantom of
Krankor or just Krankor as we called him, and his band of tiny-wienered (as in
Oscar Meyer) minions are out to capture Earth, by way of Japan. Krankor laughs
a lot. Meanwhile a slim bachelor bootblack and his microshort- wearing
bootblack kid friends root for Japan's savior - Prince of Space. Prince of
Space, in a farm fresh plot twist, is really the slim bachelor guy! Tension
mounts as the phrase "Your weapons are powerless against me!" is repeated 700
times.
There's a monster thing and the kids have access to all levels of commerce,
industry, and military decision-making. Approx. running time: 4 days.
Episode #817: Horror of Party Beach
Doughty 1960's seagoing polluters dump rusty casks filled with radioactive
waste into the ocean. The spill is immediate, as is the effect: a
long-submerged human skeleton turns into a monster with many odd tubes
protruding where its mouth should be. (Surrounding fish remain unaffected).
Meanwhile, on the beach, a convention of old teenagers bare their aging bodies
and enjoy the really pretty good songs of a band called the Del-Aires. As
sinewy men dance and wiggle their pelvi far too enthusiastically, a motorcycle
gang arrives; a girl flirts with a gang member, and a fight ensues. The girl,
angry at the loss of focus on her perfectly innocent striptease, swims out to
a tiny island and is eaten.
A whole townload of fleshy cops and scientists, moving with the quick
precision of a school of groupers, wake slowly to the possibility that they
have a problem. When a whole slumber party's worth of girls is eaten these
guys really begin working feverishly, and before too many weeks have passed
they discover they have no idea what's going on. Eulabelle, a scientist's
happy servant (those were the days, huh?), helps these stupid white men
realize the monsters can be killed with sodium.
Which, basically, is what happens, after way too long a time. There's also a
romance sub- plot, which concludes with two normal people beginning a normal
life together.
Episode #818: Devil Doll
Okay, you got a sour ventriloquist/hypnotist, a lady with the bottom half of
her butt hanging out of a skimpy costume, a crabby vent figure containing the
soul of a guy, another lady in a skimpy costume, a mush-mouthed hero, a couple
fellows with big beards, some Germans, a whole herd of rich old ladies: and
go!!
And... nothing.
A ventriloquist named The Great Vorelli with the most unconvincing act this
side of the Thames controls women, abuses his dummy Hugo, and employs
semi-voodoo to get his puny way. That's really all you need to know. The
leading man is another fine example of our heroes who get themselves into a
scrape and then stumble out of it completely by accident.
There's a real darkness to this movie, too. You can't see a thing.
It's so bad I don't feel like talking about it anymore. North By Northwest,
though, isn't that a great movie? To my mind, it's the essential Hitchcock
film. It's light, yet genuinely tense; it showcases Cary Grant at his sexy
middle-aged height, it contains scene after scene so well-crafted as to defy
belief; it's funny, it's cool, it's got that 1950's color going for it, it
features the line "She really did get under your skin, didn't she, Mr.
Kaplan?" It's got Eve Marie Saint. The auction scene alone is a masterpiece
most directors could never even imagine.
I guess what I'm saying is that North By Northwest is a better move than Devil
Doll. I'll be very surprised if someone can convince me otherwise.
Episode #819: Invasion of the Neptune Men
Filmed in exquisite Pain-O-Rama, this paean to Japan's failure as a Twentieth
Century World Power pits the fierce little archipelago against a dozen
lumbering mute robots in a rocket which might at fullbore achieve
dirigible-like speeds. The eponymous invaders seem to have but one superhuman
power, the ability to transmogrify into transsexual infantrymen.
But once again, at the time of most critical need, the reigns of Japanese
governance are given to children. And not charming little children, but
mincing, horrid little spawn whose only redeeming quality is that they can
only become less annoying as adults.
Right on cue, the invaders invade, drooling Japanese scientists are helpless,
the military postures and rattles its flaccid spears, and the children assume
power and pull the country's ohtoro out of the fire, again. Oh, and there's an
impotent hero named Space Chief.
Starring no one, not a living soul, and filmed in black and white so
depressing it would drive Fred Rogers to eat a Glock. Watch for a delightful
cameo by Adolph Hitler.
Episode #820: Space Mutiny
In a time at some point way in the future, there are literally many people
living in a large basement warehouse - I'm sorry, I mean a large spaceship,
clearly a spaceship, what with all the storage area and forklifts and security
guards sitting around at massive metal desks, the kinds of things one expects
to find in a spaceship, and not at all in a basement warehouse or other
planet-bound industrial facility - just kind of drifting around the galaxy,
apparently having fled some sort of awkward situation on Earth; maybe they'll
settle down on a Class M planet someday, who knows, what the hey.
This placid bunch is ruled by a bearded Cameron Mitchell and his elderly
daughter in hot pants (the pants being the hot item in this case, and not what
they envelop), and all seems well until the movie starts, when the security
forces in this warehouse (spaceship!! Darn!) come to their senses and plan a
mutiny to force Captain Santa to land anywhere.
The bad guys are foiled when the thickly-muscled Rider, a free-lance
jock/pilot, bullies his way to the top in this goofy world, simply because he
and no one else has any command or leadership qualities. There is fighting;
there are guys falling over railings; there are some real skinny dancing girls
(the kind you would in fact expect to find dancing in a warehouse space), and
after we get to see Rider and The World's Oldest Daughter rolling on the
concrete floor of this spaceship, the mutiny is put down.
Episode #821: Time Chasers
There was probably a period - perhaps back when Homo Erectus was giving way
reluctantly to the more centered and erudite Neanderthals - when the idea of
time travel really was just too, too fascinating. But isn't it about time for
people who do things like make movies (and write Star Trek: Voyager for that
matter) to move on to another basic plot device?
Anyway. In Vermont, in 1991, a lone healthy bike-riding science teacher named
Nick develops time travel and sells it immediately to a transparently evil
corporation. While traveling through time trying to impress his wildly
wholesome love interest Lisa, Nick discovers that GenCorp plans to use time
travel to destroy civilization. Mr. Robertson, the lanky CEO of GenCorp,
refuses to not destroy civilization, so a couple Mr. Robertsons and several
Nicks and any number of Lisas chase each other through time back to the
Revolutionary War. One Lisa ends up dead, and one Nick, and one Mr. Robertson,
but it doesn't matter because with time travel there's always equally
uninteresting spares to take their place.
Nick and Lisa win out, no thanks to a handful of very dumpy patriots who
wander around a field nearby, and Nick returns to 1991 and destroys the secret
of time travel. At the end he and Lisa meet up in the produce section and fall
into the lettuce and just go at it in the most passionate, sweaty, grinding
manner, it's some of the hottest - well no they don't, but the clear
implication is they will wholesomely produce some children at some point.
We're left with the hope that perhaps the new generation will be the one with
no interest in time travel.
Episode #822: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
Raul Julia stars as Aram Fingal (yeah, right), a brilliant but bored
data-input-something-or-other for the huge Novicorp Corporation, which acts
really benign, but - gosh, wouldn't you know it - we find out that they're
really kinda evil. After being busted for watching movies on the job (movies
being cleverly renamed "cinemas," in a genius stroke of faux-Orwell), Fingal's
essence gets lost in the corporation's huge mainframe during a mandatory
"dopple," wherein his mind, or something, is put in to an aging baboon, for
reasons known only to the screenwriter. Some creepy little sex-crazed kid
switches Fingal's toe-tags in the operating room, and his essence goes running
around the computer changing everything into some watered-down version of the
movie Casablanca. And, oh yeah, when he does that...it's really "funny."
Experiment #801: Return of the Creature
Well, after a loooong wait, we MSTies got what we were waiting for. In this
experiment, we see Mike and the Bot's heckle the sequel to the Sci-Fi 50's
horror, "Creature from the Black Lagoon". After such a long wait, it seems
that the folks at Best Brains said to themselves "they asked for it, lets give
it to them!". Boy, did they ever. This movie has to rank up there with Red
Zone Cuba and Manos: Hands of Fate! If you have ever seen those movies, you
know that these movies are practically illegal they are so bad. The jest of it
is; a scientist named Cleate goes to Africa to find out if the stories of a
freaky fishman (which they call the "Gill Man") are true. It is, and they
capture him with dynamite and take him back to the States. He is put in a very
large goldfish bowl and is put on parade. He escapes and captures a beautiful
blonde and takes off. The cops hunt him, then they kill him. This movie makes
you think... not if man is wise messing with radiation, but if man is smart
for making and watching this movie.
* note: The big story about this was that it was the first time MST had been
seen in a long time, saved by the Sci-Fi channel. Was it going to be good? How
would they treat it? Also, during the move to the SF channel, Trace (Dr.
Forrester and Crow) left to move on with his life. It was thought that taking
one third of the SOL crew away and the main character in Deep 13 would destroy
the show. We will all miss Trace, but the skeptics were wrong. The new guy,
Bill Corbett was excellent, and all was well. Mother Forrester (Mary Jo Pehl)
took over the lead roll as villain and was better than ever. The whole plot
was sort of changed, too. When we left (experiment #705) Mike and the Bot's in
the "not too distant future", they had been turned into energy and became one
with the universe. Now, they are in the 25th century. Man has been replaced by
apes (a' la' Planet of the Apes) and they in turn are ruled by the Law Giver,
Mother Forrester, who has vowed to fulfill her son's experiments. Whew! Turn
your back for a minute and you are in another movie! All in all, I see nothing
but great things for MST on the SF channel. What do I mean, you ask? Well, at
the end of this experiment, an announcer talked over the MST love theme. The
internet was abuzz with MSTies who were crying foul. At the end of experiment
#802, they didn't do it. The MSTies won. With the show back on, we all win!
Thank you Sci-Fi Channel!
Experiment #802: The Leech Woman
Another 50's cinematic masterpiece... NOT! This is the lovely story of a woman
who is a drunken lush who has an abusive husband (who happens to be a doctor
of oldness). One day, after the husband is done telling his drunk wife that he
is going to force her to have a divorce, he is visited by a molting
lizard-like old old old old woman. The woman claims that she is 152 years old,
and shows the doctor some snuff in a can that her African clan has that can
keep people young for a long long long long time. All she wants is the money
to go back to Africa. Being a pure scientist, he gives her the money and tells
his wife that he loves her. Nice guy. He takes his wife to Africa, where they
find the clan and then the old woman shows up and becomes young by stabbing a
dude in the back of the head. Giving the American woman the choice (?), the
American woman kills her husband and goes back to the States where she
randomly kills men to take their skull juice and become young and beautiful.
The cons her lawyer into loving her, kills his fiancée and drinks her juice,
which doesn't help her rapidly aging skin. She freaks and jumps out a window.
Nice.
*note: Throughout the whole movie, Tom Servo keeps making reference to the old
old old old woman looking like a black "grandma" (from the Beverly
Hillbillies). He keeps yelling "Jed" (Clampet). It is really great. At the end
of the show, when the credits are rolling, instead of the announcer talking,
Servo says
"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!"
Experiment #803: The Mole People
No, not Cindy Crawford. The other Mole People. You know.. the kind that live
in one of the middle Earth's? Yea! Those Mole People. Folks, this movie had
more wedgies than a wedgie convention... too bad they were all men.. and not
only men... one was Ward Cleaver! Oh, the horror...
Anyway, these guys find a lost world under the Earth's crust... and guess
what? They were evil, and there was one that wasn't an albino, and she was
good and they fell in love and stuff. That is about it. Mike and the Bot's
tore them a new one!
*note: Servo tried to play a song on the guitar (sort of), and almost put
Mike's eye out. Why do I mention this? Because I play guitar and have been
there, baby!
Experiment #804: The Deadly Mantis
Oh, the pain.... this one really hurt.. deeply. An ice cap melts (no doubt due
to man!) freeing a giant deadly mantis. The mantis then goes on a killing
spree, and decides to leave the arctic military base when the military decides
to try and kill him. Anyway, he goes all over the country, even Richmond
(Virginia? No Richmond the United Emirate of Arab's, Richmond! Come on, wake
up!). He ends up in New York City (get a rope!), where an ace fighter
pilot/girlfriend stealer (a star of the movie who's name I refuse to
remember), crashes his $100 million dollar jet into the bug, mortally wounding
it, and they trap it in Lincoln's Tunnel and kill it in a nail-bitingly slow
scene.
* note: During the segments, we see the Earth destroyed by some stupid apes
playing with a nuke. Right before mother is destroyed, Mike and the Bot's get
the Nanites to give back control of the SOL to them, and they escape. Pearl
Forrester and BoBo escape, too, and she chases them all across the universe in
her space ready van. Now we know!
Experiment #805: The Thing that Couldn't Die
Her husband having committed suicide (one presumes), a viciously greedy widow
named Flavia (?) raises her dim daughter Jessica on an arid southwestern
ranch. While out "dousing" for water one day, the comely Jessica stumbles on
an ancient box, buried back in the long ago times. Nasal Flavia keeps bleating
about "traysure," but instead the box contains the goateed head of a
not-to-be-trusted Englishman. With the unwitting help of some dude ranch
guests (did I mention Flavia also runs a dude ranch, and employs rock stupid
criminals?), said head is freed from his box and uses about 14% of his other
worldly powers to mind-control the majority of this wretched crew. Within
minutes he is connected to his also-buried body and is then knocked over and
dies. Alternate title: The Thing That Died.
